


Operation Desert Wolfe

by kelticscribe



Category: Berena - Fandom, Bernie & Serena, Campwolfe - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: Angst, Another Berena Fix It Fic, Bernie Wolfe Is Not Dead!, Big Macho Army Medic Bernie Wolfe, Comfort, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt, Passion, Romance, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2020-09-29 15:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 114,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20438297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelticscribe/pseuds/kelticscribe
Summary: This is the fix-it story for Holby City, S21 Episode 30: Don’t Leave Me, Episode 31: Things My Mother Told Me and Episode 32: When Worlds Collide. Serena doesn't believe Bernie is dead and decides to go to Mogadishu to find her and bring her home. The first three chapters follow canon with my canon mixed in. From chapter four onwards it is all my canon. Bernie Wolfe is not dead to me or this fandom! The story will have its share of angst, hurt and drama. But I promise this Berena fanfic will have a happy ending.*Trigger Warnings: War, terrorism, death, injuries and PTSD are mentioned in this story*





	1. No News is Good News

**Author's Note:**

> Holby City and its characters belong solely to the BBC and its writers, as well as the wonderful cast of actresses and actors who brought the character’s we love to life. This femslash fanfiction story has been written purely for the love of the Berena pairing and the characters of Major Bernie Wolfe and Serena Campbell. I have never sought or received any financial gain from this story. No copyright infringement intended.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What actually happened in Mogadishu to take Major Berenice Wolfe from her family and friends. How will those left behind cope? Serena and Cameron are not ready to accept Bernie is dead, especially as a body has not been found, and they will set out to prove the assumption she was killed in action wrong.

Joint Forces Military Hospital, Mogadishu, Somalia, 16th July 2019:

The day so far had been a typical one for Major Berenice ‘Bernie’ Wolfe of the British army’s Royal Army Medical Corps. She had been stationed at the joint British/American and African Union military hospital in Mogadishu, Somalia for four months. The military surgeon was thriving in her work and kept busy with multiple trauma patients every day.

The hospital was located next to the airport. Bernie was billeted in a secure military tented compound behind the hospital. The trauma unit saw an array of injuries from domestic, industrial and RTC’s right through to machete, gunshot, IED and bomb victims as a result of the high level of crime, due to numerous armed militia across Somalia, and terrorist attacks carried out by an Al-Qaeda affiliate, Al-Shabaab. 

Bernie loved the work. Trauma was her field of expertise and she was glad to be able to work where she was needed the most, helping adults and children, soldiers and civilians alike.

On this particular day Major Wolfe was working an early shift. Her fiancée, Captain Alex Dawson, an anaesthetist also serving in the British Army Royal Army Medical Corps, had been on a night shift. The majority of the time the two women usually worked together, but every six weeks they were on opposite shifts. On the next rotation, it would be Bernie working nights and Alex on days.

They had met for coffee in the trauma unit consultant’s office at the start of Bernie’s shift and the end of Alex’s. Behind the closed door and blinds, they shared a loving hug and long good morning kiss. It was a soothing kiss for Alex, easing her stress away after a long and very busy night. While it fortified Bernie for the twelve-hour shift ahead. 

It was 11.30 a.m. on Tuesday and Bernie had completed three operations already. A soldier with a gunshot wound, a young man who had crashed his scooter after drinking with friends the night before and a little girl with appendicitis. There appeared to be a lull in the patients coming through the doors of the trauma unit. It had been a tough couple of weeks even for their location. So Bernie decided to take advantage of the lull and take a rare break to stretch her legs, have a cigarette and get a coffee from the officer’s mess.

Entering her office Bernie took her standard-issue Virtus body armour off. As a seasoned army officer, who had served in several wars and disaster zones in over twenty-five years of army service, she was accustomed to facing risk and danger and the assessment of that risk and danger. Bernie didn’t like the new standard-issue Virtus body armour. She found the dynamic weight distribution spine a headache to configure. It was heavier than her old Osprey body armour once additional plates were fitted for protection when on the front line. Dropping her Virtus on the floor beside her desk Bernie decided to go to her room and collect the Osprey body armour she had brought with her and wear that instead.

One of her lead trauma nurses, serving in the Royal Army Medical Corps through the TA (Territorial Army), Major Frank Carter accompanied her to the mess. When he wasn’t serving as a reservist with the TA Frank’s full-time job was a charge nurse in the major trauma unit at the John Ratcliffe hospital, Oxford. He noted her lack of body armour and Bernie reassured him she was going to get her Osprey once she’d collected a coffee and had a cigarette.

The two majors got on very well. As they walked across the compound to the officer’s mess, both preferring the coffee there rather than the instant coffee supplied in the trauma unit, the pair talked amiably and shared a joke or two. Bernie turned her face to the sun squinting her eyes against the glare of the yellow giant and enjoyed the warm rays on her face.

Once they had their coffee’s they went their separate ways for their break. Frank said he was going to call his wife, while Bernie wanted to enjoy a cigarette with her coffee. The roof of the Wyvern wing at Holby City had been her escape for solitude. Here in the unbearable heat of Somalia, she had found a quiet place behind the hospital. A place where empty storage boxes and two large air conditioning units sat under a canopy. No one tended to venture back there. 

Bernie sat on a box placing her coffee beside her. She leaned to her left stretching her right leg out and slid her hand into the right pocket of her combat trousers and retrieved her lighter and a new packet of cigarettes. Putting the lighter down next to her coffee Bernie unwrapped the cigarettes. She turned them upside down tapping the pack three times on the top of the box she was sitting on. Opening the packet and taking out a cigarette she turned it around placing it back into the packet with the tobacco side up. It was a ritual for good luck she had started during her first deployment and that cigarette would be the last of the packet to be smoked.

Removing a second cigarette she placed it between her lips slipping the packet back into her pocket. She picked up her lighter, a battered silver lighter with the RAMC crest and her initials on the front, and flicked the lid open in practised fashion igniting the flame. Cupping her other hand around the cigarette she lit it. Bernie flipped the lighter’s lid closed and slipped it back into her pocket. 

The blonde took long slow drags on her cigarette, inhaling and letting the smoke out slowly. She tilted her head back with her eyes closed and let the sun warm her skin. She took another long drag on her cigarette allowing the smoke to fill her mouth tasting it and letting the smoke out slowly. The whole ritual was a soothing and calming one for her. It allowed her to think and reflect.

She really loved what she did and was happy. She was in the thick of the action where her talents and experience were most needed. The blonde trauma surgeon was at the top of her field and able to share that with a woman who shared her passion for trauma and understood the older woman’s love of medicine and the military, because she was serving right beside her. There was no conflict of interest or choices to be made, Alex was a talented young officer and anaesthetist who was also thriving in her work. They loved each other and had got engaged. It was the perfect partnership...

Only deep down for Bernie it really wasn’t perfect. It was loving, it was wonderful in its own right and she was happy. But it wasn’t perfect. Perfect had been with Serena Wendy Campbell, her partner and professional co-lead on AAU back at Holby City. Their professional relationship had been like no other, including the one she had with Alex because Serena was her professional equal and the same age with similar life experiences. Their specialities of vascular surgery and trauma surgery fitted together like a glove. Staff often commented when they operated together it was like watching a flawless dance. Female surgeons were in the minority and especially consultant surgeons and clinical leads. They had a strong friendship always having each other’s backs.

But the love they had for each other was like a love Bernie had never experienced before or expected to find at her age. Serena Campbell was the kind of woman one simply didn’t get over. The two consultants had bonded fast and fallen in love hard. They had been there for each other through all their trials and tribulations; from Bernie’s public outing by a patient, her divorce and estrangement from her children, their colleague Fletch’s stabbing by Bernie’s stalker and the worst of all, the death of Serena’s daughter Elinor.

They had thought they would be able to make their relationship work after Serena agreed to join Bernie at the brand new trauma unit she had set up in Nairobi. However, this had not been possible. Serena had been needed to return and help run Holby City after Henrik Hanssen’s son Fredrik’s devastating attack on the hospital, as well as take care of her nephew and grandniece. Then there was the affair Serena had had with Leah Faulkner, an F1 on AAU. Bernie was deeply hurt by Serena’s infidelity but had accepted her absence was in part the reason Serena found company and affection from someone else. 

Despite Bernie telling Serena she had resigned the from the trauma unit in Nairobi and was applying for the trauma consultant post to run the new trauma unit at Holby alongside Connie Beauchamp, Serena had eventually ended their relationship telling her she couldn’t imagine a suburban Bernie Wolfe. Bernie had agreed she couldn’t see Serena working on the front line either. And so they had parted vowing they would always love each other. Both believing their sacrifice was worth it in order that the other woman would be happy.

Bernie knew, for her at any rate, that she could never stop loving Serena. She was very much the one. But she was a realist and understood that fairy tales didn’t really exist, at least not for her. So she had gone against her instincts and accepted that Serena was ending it because long-distance relationships were not her thing and neither of them could nor should be different people. Deep down Bernie had hoped when retirement came round if Serena was still single, although she doubted that such an amazing woman would be, maybe they would stand a chance of making a relationship work. However, that option had ended when Bernie accepted Alex’s marriage proposal.

Bernie took a long drag on her cigarette letting the smoke out slowly enjoying the calming sensation it brought her. She had agreed to marry Alex a couple of months ago. They were sat on the beach below the hotel they were staying which was along the coast from Pathos in Cyprus. It was a moonlit night and they were sharing a bottle of wine when the younger woman popped the question. Bernie loved Alex and was happy with her. They shared their private and professional lives together with ease. But the pang she often felt for the absence of Serena and the love she carried for her was a painful reminder of what she had lost. It made her feel guilty that she spoke often of Serena and Alex allowed her too. The younger woman rarely changed the subject and had even made Bernie admit the journal she constantly wrote and drew in was for Serena. 

It was an unspoken understanding between Bernie and her fiancée that they both knew Serena was the love of the blonde’s life. Bernie would reassure Alex that she loved her dearly and she truly did. But the ghost of Serena Campbell was and always would be a permanent fixture in their relationship. Alex had accepted this in a pragmatic way. Feeling that whilst she couldn’t compete with the way Bernie felt for Serena, she was at least Bernie’s partner and fiancée and that was worth putting up with the love Bernie would always have for her ex-lover. 

Finishing her cigarette Bernie stubbed it out and put the dog end onto the top of the box and once she had finished her coffee she dropped the dog-end into the cup intending to put it in the first bin she came upon. She stood and made her way to the accommodation block where she dropped the coffee cup in the bin in her room, retrieved her Osprey body armour putting it on and made her way back to the trauma unit and work. 

Only Major Bernie Wolfe never made it back to the trauma unit. As she approached the hospital there was a loud bang and the still-hot air around her was drawn away in a sudden rush as the force of the explosion hit her full force sending her flying backwards into the RAMC Land Rover parked five feet behind her. Debris filled the air flying everywhere and the Land Rover ended up on its side. She was face down in the dirt. She could only open one eye and saw bodies laid around, injured people trying to get up and others staggering about in shock and/or trying to find loved ones, friends and colleagues. 

The blonde trauma surgeon could see fires amongst the remains of the trauma unit and knew there should be a great amount of noise but there was only a loud ringing noise in her ears. Seeing people apparently screaming but unable to hear them she knew the explosion had burst her eardrums. The searing pain in her head was only matched by the pain in her right hand and right leg. The metallic taste of blood dominated her taste buds making her feel nauseated. 

Bernie tried to move, knowing her friends and colleagues were under the remains of the trauma unit in dire need of help, despite her own injuries. But the movement resulted in her breathing becoming ragged and pain to rage rampant through her battered and bleeding body. A cold clammy sweat covered her as she was rendered incapable of helping herself let alone anyone else. Feeling the ground shake and seeing flying debris and new flames spring up, a result of a second explosion coming from the other side of the hospital, a dark curtain began to close over her vision and then there was nothing but darkness and silence.

***

6,383 miles away, back at Holby City Hospital, 16th July 2019: 

Serena Campbell’s heart had almost stopped at the sight of the soldier in her office talking to Cameron Dunn, her ex-partner’s son. When the uniformed man left the young doctor alone she rushed to find out what he had come to tell Cameron. She feared the worst and that fear was realised when the tall dark-haired doctor looked at her with a haunted look in his eyes. Eyes which were so like his mother’s. The silver-haired vascular surgeon wanted to turn and run away from him. If she didn’t hear it then whatever he was about to say had not happened.

But Serena was rooted to the spot and had to know, even though she suspected her heart was about to be broken into a million pieces. “There was an explosion at the airport. He said mum, was missing in action.” The words were spoken in a whispered monotone. Cameron’s eyes showed the hurt and pain he was in as he attempted to take in the newly obtained information.

Serena’s hand shot up to cover her mouth to stop the anguished cry from leaving her mouth. Her heart was being ripped apart. This was the nightmare she had secretly feared when they had last exchanged a catch-up email two months ago. Bernie had informed her ex-partner she was returning to the army and was being posted to a field hospital offering humanitarian aid next to the airport in Mogadishu, Somalia. The silver-haired consultant had made the blonde army medic promise she would take care. Bernie had responded in her usual practical fashion by advising her ex she would, of course, take great care, but working in a war zone meant she could make no promises. 

Serena had collected herself together and put on a brave face in order to carry on working. She kept telling herself the army had said missing in action. So no remains meant no proof Bernie was dead and that enabled the silver-haired vascular surgeon to indulge in a little hope. Hope that news would be forthcoming that Bernie was safe when either Bernie contacted Cameron to tell him she was ok or when the army contacted him to inform him his mother had been found.

Images and memories of Bernie invaded Serena’s thoughts during her waking moments and dominated her dreams when asleep. She was suffering from insomnia. She woke with a start and a sob at a particularly vivid memory of Bernie leaving Albie’s with a grin, wink and salute of two fingers to her forehead. It was the last time she had seen the army medic. Serena decided to give up on sleep and instead write her thoughts down in an email to Bernie. Think positive thoughts she told herself. Bernie could read it when they found her and then she would know Serena was always thinking of her. 

“Dear Bernie,

They say for a solider to be killed in action is the best way for them to go. But do we just say that to make ourselves feel better? Any death is sad and painful for the ones you leave behind. No matter how it happens. And yet I have this strange sensation that you’re not actually gone. That you’re out there somewhere. And you’ll come back. Or is it that I can’t bear to accept another life cut short. A life that had so much more to give. All I can see is your face, looking back at me.”

Across the city in his shared house Cameron was also unable to sleep. Worried sick about his mother. He searched the internet for the possibility of surviving a bomb blast and slammed the lid of his laptop shut when the information he garnered was bleak. He wanted his mum to come home in one piece. He was angry at his mother for choosing such a dangerous life and not thinking about the impact of her military career on those who loved her. 

***

A week later, 23rd July 2019:

AAU’s surgical registrar, Mr Xavier ‘Zav’ Duval, looked up when the clinical lead of AAU approached the nurse’s station. Her face was tight and eyes tired. He liked Serena even though they had rubbed each other the wrong way when he first arrived as her registrar. But he respected her and she, in turn, respected him. He looked concerned and asked gently, “How are you doing?”

Serena thought about her reply for a minute and offered a weak smile which didn’t reach her eyes and huffed, “Umm, ha, well apart from insomnia. The really weird dreams when I do finally get to sleep and the fact it’s been a week and we’ve had nothing more from the army.” She gazed across the ward to Cameron who was with a patient and the ambulance crew who had brought him in. Returning her gaze back to Zav she grinned and said in a commanding tone, “I’m fine!”

“Do you still not know when they’re bringing the body back?” Zav asked directly but not unkindly. 

“Starting to think it might be a mistake.” Serena sucked in a breath and continued. Her gaze was drawn away from her registrar and her expression both thoughtful and sad. “That the reason they’ve not been back in touch is that they can’t find a body and maybe she’s still alive.”

In a gentle tone Zav asked, “Is that possible?”

Serena lifted her eyes to look directly at the younger doctor. She said nothing acknowledging his point, knowing he was right but in no way ready to give up hope that Bernie could have survived the bomb blast which had killed and injured so many. The blonde trauma surgeon was notorious for her radio silence but Serena knew she would have been in touch by now if she was alive. Bernie would not have made her children or Serena suffer. The small hopeful voice in her head offered up, or conscious. That was the best-case scenario for the silver-haired surgeon. The thought that Bernie was alive but incapacitated and that was the reason she hadn’t contacted them and given the chaos at the scene of the bombings with the number of dead and wounded she could have been overlooked, lost on official records. There was still hope for Serena no matter how scant that hope was she would cling to it. 

When Serena walked away from the nurse’s station a slim woman with short brunette hair called out her name approaching her, “Serena.”

“Sorry do I know you?” the clinical lead of AAU asked and looked somewhat puzzled at the stranger. 

“It’s Alex Dawson. I’m a friend of Bernie’s.” Alex introduced herself and Serena was taken aback and momentarily lost for words. When Cameron walked up to the nurse's station Alex noticed him and called out, “Cameron.” The young CT1 doctor looked up at his name being called and saw Alex stood with Serena. “Hi.” Alex offered.

“Alex!” was his initial response. Serena looked between her ex-partner’s son and the young brunette stood next to her with wariness. “What are you doing here?” Cameron was confused to see Alex. In fact she was the last person he wanted to see at any time, but particularly now.

With a small smile Alex offered, “I came to see you.” 

Serena was watching Alex weighing her up and trying to fathom out what she was up to. With a none too pleased expression on Cameron’s face it was obvious he was doing exactly the same. After Cameron and Alex went to talk in Serena’s office the vascular surgeon sat watching them desperate to know what Alex had to say to the young man. She felt protective of Bernie’s son and would do all she could to help him through this incredibly painful time. 

Inside the consultant’s office Cameron stood with his arms crossed over his chest and asked the question he needed to know but really didn’t want to ask, “Was it definitely her?”

Alex’s throat was dry and tight as she held in her emotions. In a husky whisper, she replied, “Yeah. It was.”

Cameron wasn’t going to give up on his mother and defensively responded with “They haven’t actually confirmed her body though have they?”

Alex let out a breath and rubbed the back of her neck. She had to make Cameron understand there was no hope. His mother was dead. “Hasn’t anyone been in touch?”

Cameron raised his voice dropping his arms and pointed at the woman stood in front of him, the woman who wanted him to give up all hope of ever seeing his mother again. “Yeah but it has been a week and I’ve heard nothing!”

Letting out a sigh Alex tried to make the young man see reason and accept the truth that his mother was dead. “I’m sorry Cameron, it was definitely her.”

He shook his head. His brown eyes so like his mothers. He asked as he tried to comprehend what Alex was telling him, “Then why the silence?”

Alex huffed looking up at the ceiling thinking of the reasons why no further news had been forthcoming about Bernie. “Umm. Probably been slowed down by local regulations or the lack of. Its, umm, it’s not the easiest places to operate in.” Alex looked away from the brown eyes staring at her. Eyes which resembled those of the woman she loved so much and fought back her emotions. “There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. 

“What?” Cameron asked. His expression wary.

Alex hesitated and seemed uneasy, but then blurted out, “Her funeral.”

Cameron was angry and snapped, “Her funeral! They haven’t even found her body, how can you be thinking of that? We haven’t heard anything from the army and for all, we know it’s because she wasn’t caught up in it and she’s still out there somewhere-”

Alex raised her voice cutting the emotional young man off, “Cameron she was!”

Cameron raised his voice higher not prepared to give up hope that his mother was still alive, “We don’t know that for sure!”

Alex’s eyes were becoming glassy with emotion and slightly red at fighting back the tears remembering what she had seen in the aftermath of the bombing, “Her body armour has been identified.”

“That does not-” Cameron tried to argue his point but was cut off by Alex.

“I’m sorry!” Alex’s eyes were red with unshed tears. The pain she was feeling at the loss of Bernie was clearly showing on her face. She had to battle on through her dry tight throat and the mounting emotions and inform Cameron of Bernie’s wishes regarding funeral arrangements, “Your mum and I spoke about what she would have wanted, you know if...” Alex allowed that to sink in for a moment while she formulated her thoughts before continuing. Cameron remained silent, “You know sometimes you have a bad day when you’re out there and you start thinking about all the things you haven’t said. All the things you’ve left unsaid or unplanned. I’d like to organise things.”

Cameron became vocal again. His emotions controlling his thoughts and he let Alex know exactly how he felt, “When and if there is a service my sister and I will be arranging it!”

Alex pushed on, “I can help!”

“NO!” Cameron shouted at her.

But Alex wasn’t for giving up, “You’re going to need my help.”

“You were together once but we are her family so just leave us alone!” Cameron shouted emotionally at the brunette his mother had once been in a relationship with. 

The door to the consultant’s office opened and Serena walked in glancing at Cameron and then Alex. “What’s going on?” She enquired.

An agitated Cameron told her, “Alex was just leaving and I’ve got work to do!” and then promptly left the office.

Alex called after him wanting to make things right between them and to explain why she needed to be involved, “Cameron wait?” The young doctor didn’t stop and Alex was left alone with Serena.

The older woman had regarded Cameron’s retreating back with a concerned look before turning back to Alex with an expression showing her displeasure at how upset he was and it was clear Alex was getting the blame for that. “He’s upset and rightly so. You can’t expect him to welcome you with open arms, especially if you’re trying to take over.” Serena’s annoyance was showing at the end of her statement. 

Alex shrugged, “I just wanted to help.”

“Well he’s grieving and I think you should respect his wishes. Now if you don’t mind I’ve got to get back to work.” Serena really was annoyed at the audacity of this woman turning up and upsetting Cameron. The ball faced cheek that she thought she could waltz in and take over Bernie’s funeral arrangements. Who did she think she was?

Believing the conversation was over and she was getting rid of the younger woman Serena opened her office door. Alex asked her to wait and bent down to remove a brown leather-bound journal from her bag and held it out to Serena. “This is for you.” Alex hesitated and held the cherished journal for one last time, “She wanted you to have it.” 

Serena took the journal and fought down the emotions threatening to consume her. In a quiet voice, her eyes focused on the battered leather cover of Bernie’s journal, “Thank you,” and swallowed the painful lump in her throat. Alex told her it was okay and left Serena in the office holding the journal deep in thought about Bernie, her best friend and the woman she would always love.

The journal was Serena’s undoing. She closed the door to her office and sat down to read it. Turning pages she allowed her tears to finally fall. There were all sorts contained within the pages of the battered brown leather journal. Notations of things she had seen during her travels, the people she had met, interesting quotations, her favourite surgical accomplishments, and her thoughts on love and loss alongside pressed flowers, pencil drawings and even a plan for redesigning Serena’s garden. Serena could no longer suppress her tears or the painful sobs which accompanied them. 

On one page Bernie had described meeting a woman with a prosthetic leg and how that woman told her, “I am doing this so the world can see that courage, bravery and strength can have a woman’s face.” While Bernie was quoting what another woman had said, Serena felt the quote summed up Berenice Griselda Wolfe her big macho army medic perfectly. She sobbed loudly and her tears rolled down her cheeks. Oh, how she had missed Bernie ever since she left before Christmas. And now she missed her even more than she thought possible at the prospect of never seeing her again. 

Once composed again Serena had gone back to work. But on her way back to AAU she couldn’t believe it when she came across Alex writing a note. Alex wanted to speak to Cameron and explain things to him. Serena told her in no uncertain terms that she had told the younger woman to leave him alone and allow him to grieve. But Alex stated she only wanted to carry out Bernie’s wishes. This piqued Serena’s annoyance with the brunette. With her patient taking a turn for the worse Serena informed Alex she had to go. The younger woman gave her a note with her telephone number on it asking Serena to give it to Cameron and ask him to call her. 

***

Serena’s day was going from bad to worse. Her scrub nurse had gone AWOL and her patient required an urgent splenectomy but her theatre team had been unable to track down where the scrub nurse had been diverted to. It turned out the culprit was consultant cardiothoracic surgeon, Mr Kian Madani. As medical director at Holby City hospital, it was Serena’s job to investigate why Mr Madani had gone against the express wishes of Ms Naylor his clinical lead. That was why they were now stood face to face in the conference room.

“Because I knew I could. Knowing I could save a patient how could I not.” Pleading his case for why he did what he did Madani was sincere in the belief of his abilities and that he had been right. 

Serena made sure there was no doubt in her annoyance of his blatant disregard of safety protocols and hospital operating theatre policy and procedures. She made him aware that another pioneering operation which would bring accolades to the hospital could have been jeopardised by his antics. But when all was said and done he reminded Serena only too keenly of a maverick surgeon who was the greatest trauma surgeon this country had had to offer. “Now I love mavericks. Pioneers.” She swallowed the painful lump that seemed to have taken up residence in her throat, “Heroes. What I don’t like are idiots. So whatever is going on Mr Madani sort it out?”

Serena advised him as far as she was aware he didn’t know the theatre was faulty and it was the end of the matter. But she added Sasha Levi had unwittingly let slip that Madani didn’t know the theatre was out of use and had, therefore, saved him from any formal disciplinary action being taken against him. He thanked her as Serena left the conference room. 

***

Adrian ‘Fletch’ Fletcher the director of nursing stood beside Serena Campbell, general and vascular surgeon, clinical lead of AAU and director of medicine. The woman looked drawn and tired. They had been work colleagues and friends for many years so the silence between them was companionable rather than awkward. Fletch turned to look at the woman and offered an apology, “I’m sorry I haven’t said anything about Bernie.” With his arms folded across his chest, he shook his head, “I just couldn’t believe it. Still can’t.”

Serena was absolutely cress fallen and nodded her head, “It’s hard for everyone who knew her.” Turning to look at Fletch and bestowing him with a genuine smile Serena added, “And I know how well you two got on.”

The tall man smiled with Serena at memories of Bernie and then his smile fell, “I just keep thinking of how she saved my life. I mean you both did. I just feel so helpless knowing she’s gone and I couldn’t do anything.”

Serena’s face was a picture of utter sadness. She had felt the same, the knowledge that she had not been able to help Bernie had hurt her too. She could have helped her, perhaps saved her, had she been there. Was she accepting Bernie had died by thinking that? Her grief and guilt collided and began a bitter battle within her psyche warring for control of her emotions. It was her guilt that won out in the end. Staring straight ahead she voiced her thoughts, “I should never have let her go back there.”

Fletch shook his head in disagreement and tried to console her, “She’d have gone back eventually anyway.” When Serena turned and looked him he added, “It’s who she was.”

Serena nodded turning back to look at the doors and with a tight smile forcing the tears away she stated in a loving tone, “A force of nature.” As soon as the doors opened Serena hurried out of the lift fearing her fragile emotions would get the better of her if she stayed a minute longer. Fletch watched her go understanding too well the pain induced by the loss of a partner and worrying about his friend who had not long come to terms with the death of her daughter.

***

It had been a long and emotionally exhausting day for both Cameron and Serena. The older woman had been looking for the grieving young man and finally tracked him down to AAU’s locker room where he sat in the dark. She sighed and gently addressed him, “Cameron.” She came into the room closing the door behind her and made her way to the bench he was sat on, “There you are.”

Cameron was emotionally distraught. He was crying and angry but managed to stutter out on ragged breaths, “I, don’t trust her, that woman! What makes her think she can come in and take over?” Serena regarded him with a mixture of concern and sympathy. He choked on his next words, “Mm, mum’s dead, and I can’t even see her body!”

Serena sat silently listening to the bereft young man she was so fond of and blanched at the words, “Mum’s dead.” Could she really keep hoping against insurmountable odds that Bernie, given the number of fatalities and wounded, had somehow miraculously survived such a horrific attack? Could she really afford to delude herself that Bernie was somehow still alive? Should she not accept the cold facts and allow herself to grieve? Was she simply in denial and delaying the inevitable racking pain she knew was awaiting her once she accepted Bernie was gone? Once she accepted she would never be able to speak to her, see her or hold her again. And there it was the image of Bernie clear as day stood in the doorway of Albie’s, a smirk on her face with eyes full of love and two fingers tapping her left eyebrow as she left. 

Cameron’s tears were falling fast, “And she thinks we need her help!”

Serena spoke gently attempting to calm her best friend and ex-partner’s son, “Don’t let her get to you.”

Cameron broke down, “Why is she here, why?” 

Serena put her arm around him and tried to comfort the distraught young man. She was so fond of Cameron and her heart ached to see him so miserable. “It’s alright,” she whispered in a comforting tone.

“She’s not doing it, Serena.” Cameron said between large sobs adding “I won’t let her!”

Serena rested her forehead against Cameron’s right temple. Keeping her left arm around his shoulders she stroked his upper arm in comfort while rocking them back and forth attempting to soothe his emotions as much as possible. “Don’t worry, I’ll handle it,” Serena advised him in a soft and somewhat maternal tone. 

He was all she had left of Bernie, apart from her memories, photographs and some gifts Bernie had bought her that is, and she would do everything in her power to protect him and help him through his grief. Serena would always be there for Cameron, she owed Bernie that much. She brought her hand up to hold the side of his head pulling him into her when he broke down sobbing uncontrollably for his lost mother. Serena held onto her emotions with an iron grip. This was about Cameron’s grief right now not hers. And so they sat gaining solace in each other’s company and their shared grief over Bernie. 

***

It was the end of an exceptionally long and stressful day. Serena was sat in Albie’s opposite Alex. She had contacted the younger woman agreeing to talk to her over a drink. Alex nodded and looked up into Serena’s eyes. The look the older woman was giving her was a warily one. Alex knew the woman sat opposite her didn’t trust her and was questioning her presence, “Thank you for coming to speak to me.”

“I’m doing it for Cameron. I really do think it would be best if you left all the organising to him and his family.” Serena’s eyes left the woman’s across the table to glance at a passing customer. Her tone was polite but frank. 

Alex sighed, “I’m only trying to carry out his mother’s wishes.”

“Well he’s made his mind up I’m afraid.” Serena really couldn’t understand why this woman had turned up and persisted in trying to muscle in on Bernie’s funeral arrangements. The only thing stopping her from telling the brunette to sling her hook in no uncertain terms was the knowledge that she had meant something to Bernie once. So she persevered with the aid of a large glass of Shiraz.

“But what about what Bernie wanted? I would feel dreadful if we let her down.” Alex was not giving up on her promise to Bernie. “And I understand he’s hurting, we all are. But I know what her wishes were.”

With a quick scratch to the bridge of her nose Serena made a decision. There was a way to satisfy Alex’s need to make sure what she believed Bernie’s wishes were being heard and at the same time respect Cameron’s wish that Alex Dawson had nothing to do with organising his mother’s funeral, “Ok, well maybe you could write them down and we could take it from there and that might be the best way to avoid upsetting him.”

Alex was frustrated at not getting her point through to Serena. She had hoped the older woman would listen to her and understand she was only making sure Bernie’s wishes were carried out. She had made a solemn promise many years before to carry out Bernie’s wishes regarding her funeral and she wasn’t expecting such resistance from Serena, not after how Bernie had described her. She smiled shaking her head and asked, “Don’t my feelings count?”

Serena keep her voice even and gave the younger woman a cold stare, “I thought this was about Bernie’s wishes? It isn’t about you.”

Alex was nodding. Her patience waning, “Yes it is!”

Serena reached the point where her Shiraz was not able to keep her calm and she no longer wanted to politely indulge Alex in conversation. Who the hell was this pompous woman who was stamping all over Cameron’s grief with no regard for his feelings, or Serena’s for that matter? In an exasperated tone, she asked, “Why are you so set on this Alex? A past fling in the desert is hardly what I’d say-”

Alex cut Serena off, “It wasn’t a past fling in the desert, Serena!” Leaning across the table towards the older woman and annoyed at the disbelieving smirk on Serena’s face Alex continued, “We were back together.” Serena’s expression changed. This was not what she was expecting to hear and she didn’t want to believe it. “Bernie and I were engaged.” 

Serena really did think, even with all her medical training and qualifications, that her heart was about to stop at any moment. How on earth could she bare any more surprises? Bernie was missing in action. Bernie and Alex were back together, and not only that, they were engaged. Serena’s thoughts went back to the last time she was with Bernie, stood at the bar in Albie’s during Jason and Greta’s wedding reception.

*** Bernie talked softly and with love, “I do know. I know, that we will always love each other. But we just can’t be together and that’s sad, but you shouldn’t suffer loneliness because you can’t be with the person you love.” 

Serena informed her, “I wouldn’t want you to be lonely either.”

Bernie, not making any eye contact with Serena, replied, “I probably won’t be one way or another.”

Serena felt her heart shatter at the thought of someone else in Bernie’s arms and in her bed. She swallowed the jealousy. After all, she couldn’t berate Bernie when she herself had been unfaithful. She gave the blonde a wane smile, “I did wonder. And I don’t blame you obviously.” ***

So it was Alex who Bernie had turned to when Serena had ended their relationship. The green-eyed monster was rising within her. But as she looked into the watery eyes of the younger woman opposite her Serena sighed and slumped back in her chair. She had no right to be jealous. She had pushed Bernie away and the blonde deserved to be happy. Serena had told Bernie she didn’t want her to be lonely so what right did she have to be annoyed and jealous because she had found love.

***

The days which followed were no easier on Cameron or Serena. In fact, if anything they were worse. Cameron had accepted his mother was dead. It was an understandable and logical conclusion. The young man had lost patience waiting to hear from the army and took it upon himself to contact the army family liaison officer assigned to Bernie’s family. He inquired if there was any further news regarding his mother’s missing in action status. 

The army liaison officer informed Cameron they had been unable to find Major Berenice Wolfe and with the absence of a body, the army could only officially list his mother as missing in action, until or if a body was ever recovered. He cautioned Cameron that due to her body armour being found in proximity to the blast’s epicentre, and given that no one else in that vicinity had survived, the army believed Bernie had also been killed. Adding they believe the lack of a body was due to the magnitude of the blast and that her remains were unlikely to ever be recovered.

This information rocked Cameron to the core. He had had to inform his sister, Charlotte, who was taking the loss of her mother particularly badly. The young woman although estranged from her mother had loved her dearly. She was regretting ignoring her mum since her return from Afghanistan three years ago. And that was something she would have to live with for the rest of her life. 

Despite what the army liaison officer had told Cameron, and in defiance of all the consoling looks and words of commiseration, Serena hadn’t been ready to give up hope that Bernie wasn’t dead. Even if Cameron’s resolve had faltered under the weight of what they knew and given the fact no further news had been received in the past week. She just felt Bernie was still alive. Felt it in her heart and her bones. She had chastised herself for holding onto such beliefs but her heart simply wouldn’t give up.

When Cameron returned late from London, where he had been attending his mother’s family memorial, one of his housemates and fellow junior doctor, Nicky McKendrick, was waiting up for him. He told her it had been a horrible day and his father, Bernie’s ex-husband Marcus Dunn, had hijacked the entire memorial and practically blanked Serena. 

Nicky had offered to make him a cup of tea but Cameron declined to tell her he needed a proper drink. Retrieving a wine glass and bottle of white wine he poured himself a large glass. He reassured her he had already had a few drinks on the train home and that she should trust him that it helps. 

Nicky tried to make him feel better by pointing out that tomorrow would be the memorial for his mum at the hospital and it would be much better. Cameron didn’t seem convinced as he downed the first glass of wine almost in one go. When Nicky suggested he have an early night he rejected the idea and poured the remainder of the bottle of wine into the glass planning to finish it off, advising Nicky he had the eulogy to write for his mother’s memorial at the hospital tomorrow. He sat with head in his hands staring at the screen of his tablet. Mum the only word written down. It was going to be a long night. 

***

Cameron wasn’t the only one consoling himself with a bottle of wine. Sat alone in Albie’s Serena poured herself a large glass of Shiraz. She was not in the least bit surprised when Alex walked up to her table interrupting her solitude and the sip of wine she was about to imbibe in.

The younger woman’s Manchurian accent giving away her Manchester roots. “I was hoping you’d be back. Bernie used to say if in doubt you will find Serena propping up the bar in Albie’s with the finest Shiraz they’ve got.”

Serena really wasn’t in the mood for Alex. She didn’t think she would ever be in the mood to share the company of this woman. “Oh great, she told you I was a drunk.”

Alex smiled, “No. More of a connoisseur.” And then took the seat opposite Serena at the small corner table.

But Serena wasn’t smiling although she let out a harsh snort of disagreement, “A polite word for drunk!”

Alex let her head fall forward and took in a deep breath, “Someone told me that you were having a memorial tomorrow at the hospital.” She lifted her head and looked at Serena.

“It’s for the people here.” Serena didn’t look at Alex. Instead she took a sip of her wine. 

The younger woman sighed. She was grieving but no one would acknowledge the fact she had every right to grieve and be involved with Bernie’s memorials. She snapped, “I was the love of her life!”

Those words were like a dagger to Serena’s all too fragile heart. Honestly how much emotional trauma could the human heart endure? Perhaps she should have a consult with Jac Naylor before tomorrow’s memorial. The dry painful lump which was ever-present in her throat these days seemed much larger right now. She swallowed hard not daring to look at the other woman. All Serena could muster was, “It’s not my call.”

Alex didn’t buy that and she was desperate to be involved with at least one of the two memorials being held for Bernie. Her Bern, the love of her life. “I want you to speak to Cameron.

Serena was already shaking her head before Alex had finished talking. “He’s made his feelings very clear.”

Letting out a big sigh Alex used Bernie to get through to Serena, “Bernie used to talk about you all the time. The picture she painted was of someone warm and loving. She said you had more humanity and integrity than anyone she had ever met.” Alex looked directly at Serena and her voice cracked, “Which is why people listen to you.”

Serena sat for a moment listening to Alex regal how Bernie viewed her. She couldn’t prove the army major wrong. Alex obviously meant a great deal to Bernie so who was Serena to deny the younger woman the chance to attend her fiancée memorial. With a defeated sigh Serena agreed, “Alright.”

With a hopeful look on her face Alex clarified, “You’ll speak to him?”

Serena looked weary and sighed, “I said I’ll see.” She wanted to help Alex. But she would keep her oath to support Cameron first and foremost. Therefore she couldn’t make any promises to the younger woman.

Alex gave a brief nod understanding the conversation was at an end. She stood and left Serena to her thoughts. The weight of the news that Bernie Wolfe was missing in action had played heavily on Serena Campbell’s heart. It clouded her mind like a dark cloak she could not shake off. She was struggling to take it all in. Unable to accept it was true but equally unable to deny it with Alex having told Cameron she had seen Bernie’s body armour in the wreckage of the building. 

Serena’s heart was irreparably broken. It had only been held together after her daughter, Elinor’s, untimely death because of Bernie, her Bernie. The blonde army surgeon had been a force to reckon with turning her life upside down. She had come crashing into Serena’s life like a wrecking ball. And the silver-haired woman would gladly welcome the prospect of Bernie crashing back into her life and turning it on its head again. 

She had so many thoughts and images of Bernie crowding her mind. Alex’s words kept going round and round in her head, “I was the love of her life.” She hadn’t thought it possible to hurt any more than she already did. But the way her heart ached proved it was possible to hurt much more. Whatever she had been to Bernie, and she knew she was loved by the other woman, but the fact she had not been the love of the blondes life didn’t detract from the fact that Bernie Wolfe was and always would be the love of Serena Campbell’s life.


	2. Hard Day for Doctor Dunn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With still no news of Bernie's fate, Cameron and Serena are struggling with their fears and emotions. Cameron goes off the rails as his grief and anger take hold of him.

The day of Bernie Wolfe’s Memorial at Holby City Hospital, 24th July 2019:

Serena and Cameron had put on brave faces and did their best to carry out their duties. The clinical lead of AAU was keeping a very close eye on the young CT1 doctor. He had not been fairing too well. Serena had high hopes for him. He was a good doctor when he focused and applied himself.

They were currently looking after, Robert Dennehey, who had fallen off a wall and sustained a deep laceration to his forehead and was unconscious. Serena was in the process of reviewing his CT scan results. “There doesn’t appear to be anything untoward on the scan. But we still need to get him up to ITU as soon as they’ve got a bed.”

While Cameron took observations, moving his stethoscope across the unconscious young man’s chest, he glanced briefly across at his clinical lead standing on the opposite side of the bed and queried, “Staple the wound.”

“Umm. No-no-no, we’ll wash it out in theatre and then use two layers of interrupted Vicryl and interrupted Prolene.” Serena advised while enlarging the head CT scan images on her tablet.

Cameron stood up straight putting his stethoscope around his neck and held on to both ends looking at Serena a little baffled. “Well, how long is that going to take?”

Serena glanced up at Cameron and then returned her attention to the CT scan images on her tablet, “Long enough to stop an eighteen-year-old from having a disfiguring scar for the rest of his life.”

Cameron was leaning over the patient with his pen torch switched on and checking the patient’s laceration up close. His expression was thoughtful and focused, “We need to deal with this as quickly as possible.”

Serena was focused on the CT scan results but in a measured tone stated, “We’re not on the front line.”

Cameron couldn’t believe Serena of all people would use such a turn of phrase with him given current events. He stood up straight looking at her with a touch of resentment in his eyes. “Did you seriously just say that?” 

“Umm?” Serena looked up. Seeing the look on the young man’s face tried to placate him. “Oh, I- I wasn’t referring to your mother.”

Cameron’s emotions were still very much on a knife-edge and he easily took offence these days, “So the whole front line thing just popped into your head out of nowhere?”

It was apparent to Serena that Cameron was offended by her comment, even though she had meant no harm by it, he was obviously annoyed, “Ok, yes well, it-it probably would be something Bernie would have opted for-”

Cameron cut Serena off before she could finish. His anger boiling over. He pointed an accusing finger at the woman stood across the bed from him. His next words were a devastating blow to Serena’s own fragile emotions. Her best friend and former partner’s son said aloud what she had been telling herself since first hearing the news that Bernie was missing, “If it wasn’t for you, mum... Would never have been on the front line. She’d still be alive!”

Cameron walked away leaving Serena to clamp down on her emotions. In her heart, she agreed with him. Bernie had told her she wanted to do the relationship thing properly and come home to Serena. The blonde trauma surgeon had resigned from her trauma centre in Nairobi and was to take up the post of trauma consultant alongside Connie Beauchamp in the new trauma unit within the ED. 

But Serena had stopped all that by telling Bernie she couldn’t be with a suburban Bernie Wolfe. She had believed at the time she was allowing the woman she loved to continue with her dream job, that this was her sacrifice for Bernie’s happiness because that’s what you do when you love someone. You put their happiness above your own. But look where that had lead too. If she had been selfish and agreed to Bernie coming home then Cameron was right, Bernie would be alive now. 

The vascular surgeon went looking for the emotional young man. She found him sat on the stairs outside the unit. In a gentle tone, she asked, “Where did that come from?”

He was clearly upset and used both his hands to emphasise his feelings, “If you’d really cared. If you’d fought for her then she would be here and it would be her telling me how useless I am and, and not you. Say something, shout at me. Tell me I’m wrong!”

Oh how wrong he was in regards to his assumption that she didn’t care enough. Berenice Wolfe would always be the greatest love of her life. She wanted to tell him that and explain that breaking up with his mother had nothing to do with a lack of love for her, she couldn’t possibly love Bernie or anyone for that matter more. No, she wanted to explain that it was complicated. But as she looked at him she realised she should probably apologise if letting Bernie go had led to her death and how that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

As she was about to speak they were interrupted by the reappearance of Alex Dawson. Serena couldn’t believe she was still here. The woman kept turning up like a bad penny. Would she ever take the hint and bugger off.

Alex approached them and asked, “Serena. Cameron. Is this a bad time?”

Serena briefly glanced at the new arrival and returned her gaze to Cameron. Her reply was curt, “Yes!”

Cameron rolled his eyes and turned away from Alex. She was the last person he wanted to see. Alex nodded her head towards Cameron and asked Serena, “Did you?”

Serena’s reply was brusque, “No! Not yet.”

“What?” The young man wanted to know what Serena and Alex were talking about.

It was Alex who spoke next, “I know you don’t want me at the family memorial.”

Serena tried to stop her. This really wasn’t the time or place for the conversation Alex wanted. Cameron was clearly upset, “Alex, please. I really think you should leave this to me.”

Alex was decidedly unhappy that Serena hadn’t asked Cameron if she could attend the memorial being held for Bernie at the hospital this evening. Her frustration was mounting with Serena’s intervention. Cameron was becoming more agitated and shouted, “Leave what?”

Alex ploughed on seeing her opportunity to ask Cameron if she could attend the memorial for his mother, “I really want to be here later.”

“No. No, it’s just for the team here!” Cameron shook his head. He was emphatic that Alex was not going to his mother’s memorial.

Alex looked taken aback and attempted to reason, “I worked here too.” 

Cameron had reached his limit with the brunette. He shouted at her, “What planet are you on!” Standing up and taking a step towards Alex he continued to shout at her. “I don’t even want to talk to you!”

“Please!” Alex begged in desperation.

“No, no. I am doing the eulogy. And you just aren’t part of this!” Cameron spat out at the younger woman.

Alex laughed derisively, “I am. Because the thing is-”

Serena interjected before Alex could say any more, “Alex! Stop. This isn’t the time. If you really care about Bernie’s memory you will walk away now.” Alex was beyond frustrated and annoyed and her expression showed it. “Right NOW!”

Just as Alex had used Bernie’s opinion of Serena to gain the assistance of the older woman. So Serena questioning how much Bernie meant to Alex enabled the older woman to rein in the younger woman for now. “Alright. Okay.” And with a sad look on her face, Alex turned and walked away.

Cameron let out a loud sigh. Serena turned to leave advising him she had to go and check on Ric. Cameron inquired, “Not the time for what?”

But in a gentle voice all Serena would say was, “Go home, Cameron.”

***

Serena was discussing clinical options regarding her eighteen-year-old patient with the head injury, Robert Dennehey, with Ric Griffin the deputy clinical lead on AAU. Ric was in the process of reassuring her that everything was under control and they were following the right treatment path given the blood and CT scan results. But he advised he would get a second radiology exam carried out. It was clear to Ric who had been Serena’s friend and colleague for a number of years that she was overly concerned for this young patient. That was probably because her own daughter had died from a head injury due to complications. The young woman had had cocaine which was not accounted for during her initial head assessment following a car accident in the hospital car park. 

Ric advised Serena to take the rest of the afternoon off and concentrate on Bernie. But Cameron chose that moment to rush up to Serena asking her, “Not the time for what?” He was clearly upset and agitated. So Serena informed Ric she would have to deal with the distraught young man and lead him away to her office. 

“You should be focusing on the eulogy. And getting through the next few hours.” Serena told Cameron as she closed her office door behind them. 

Cameron spun around, “What was she going to say?”

“We’ll talk about it after the memorial.” Serena knew this final bit of news would further upset the young man.

Cameron bellowed at Serena, “This is my mother we’re talking about. You don’t get to keep secrets from me!”

Speaking in a calm voice Serena relented. He was right. She had no right to keep anything about his mother from him. He was an adult even if right now he was more a scared little boy who only wanted his mum to come home. “Ok, ok.” She sighed. This would be painful for her to say as much as it would be painful for Cameron to hear it. “Your mum and Alex were back together. In fact they, they were engaged.” 

Cameron could hardly believe what he was hearing. “She was getting married!”

All Serena could say was, “That’s what Alex told me.” Bernie hadn’t seen fit to inform her when they last exchanged emails and nor had she told her son by the look on his face. She had heard it from Alex. 

Cameron was piecing things together in his head. “You were going to tell me earlier, you. You were gonna ask if she could come to the memorial.” 

Serena was hurting, “Yes, well you said it yourself. We weren’t together anymore.”

Cameron began to break down, “She didn’t trust me!” Serena sighed tilting her head to the side and regarded Cameron with a kind and loving expression. She was rubbing her pendant with the fingers of her right hand. Cameron stammered out on sobs, “She didn’t trust me. My own mum didn’t trust me not with anything!”

Serena tried to console the young man breaking down in front of her, “She was her own person.”

Cameron shouted over Serena, “She was my MUM!”

Serena got firm with Cameron, “She had her own life, Cameron. We have to respect that!”

“Fine, Alex can come. It’s not like what I think counts for anything!” He shouted at Serena and stormed out of the office. 

Serena spun around trying to stop him, “Camer-? Cameron? CAMERON!” But he left slamming the door behind him. Serena turned leaning on her desk and muttered under her breath, “Oh for heaven’s sake.” 

***

Cameron was definitely not coping with the death of his mother. He was unable to focus on anything other than his mum and the anger in him that she had chosen to work in a war zone putting herself at risk and not caring about how her loss would affect him. He had changed out of his light blue AAU scrubs and was dressed in casual clothes now. The young doctor staggered into the peace garden walking through the chairs set up for his mother’s memorial. With a bottle of Shiraz in each hand, he stopped in front of a large picture of his mum and raised the bottle in his right hand in a salute to his mother. Putting the bottle to his mouth he drank the remaining contents in several large gulps. This was his chosen anaesthesia for the pain in his heart.

He stared at the picture of Major Berenice Wolfe, RAMC trauma surgeon extraordinaire, while he drank the bottle dry. He knew in his heart that no matter how hard he worked, no matter how hard he tried, he could never be half the doctor, half the surgeon or more importantly to him half the person she was. He would always be in her shadow. Finishing off the bottle he turned dropping it into the flower bed in front of Bernie’s picture and opened the second bottle. He started to drink from it as he walked away in abject misery and feeling completely alone. 

He was drinking more and more and had slept with Nicky the night before. He had desperately needed human contact and companionship and found it in his friend’s arms. He was back on AAU and very drunk. His ability to be a good doctor, perhaps even a great doctor if he would stop trying to emulate his mother and just be himself, shone through when even well in drink he spotted a medication error by consultant general surgeon, Ric Griffin. An error which could have resulted in, Robert Dennehey, going into cardiac arrest if it had not been spotted. The older more experienced man agreeing there was an error and correcting it immediately.

But it was obvious Cameron was drunk and Ric asked him to leave the ward. As the young doctor walked away from the patient’s bed, leaving Ric and AAU’s senior nurse Donna Jackson with the patient, he noticed Serena stood looking at a patient notes at the nurse's station. Rubbing his nose he walked up to her holding up the bottle of Shiraz and informed her loudly, “Lovely Shiraz by the way.” 

The clinical lead of AAU was displeased to see the drunken and slovenly state Cameron was in, not to mention the spectacle he was making of himself. Bernie would be livid if she could see her son right now. Serena sympathised with his grief but his behaviour would not make him feel better and he would live to regret it in the long run when he sobered up. But it also upset her that his behaviour would reflect on Bernie and take the focus away from her memorial. 

“What are you still doing here?” She let her frustration show. 

Cameron staggered back raising both arms in the air, a bottle of Shiraz still clutched in one hand and declared, “Celebrating my mother’s engagement!” At that moment with his coordination impaired due to the alcohol, he collided with a nurse walking across the ward with a treatment tray and sent it with the contents of the tray crashing to the floor.

Serena had her medical director hat on now. She couldn’t let Cameron disrupt the ward any further, jeopardise patient safety or ruin his career. All of which he was currently doing by having alcohol in his hand and being drunk and disorderly on the ward. It was a serious disciplinary offence.

The drunk young doctor apologised to the nurse he had walked into and bent forward to help pick up the contents of the treatment tray, “Sorry.” 

“Ok. Home please.” Serena took Cameron by the shoulders to pull him away from the nurse and usher him out of the ward. He was too drunk to get through to. But she would be having words with him about this when he sobered up.

“No! Get your hands off me!” He shouted at Serena raising his hands defensively and backing away from her.

“Ok, you are clearly very, very drunk and who could blame you. But you need to leave the hospital!” Serena was firm but fair with Cameron. 

The drunk young man weaved and dodged her attempts to put her arm around him in order to guide him out of the ward. The amount of alcohol he had drank meant his filters were off and he was venting in the most horrid way. Serena was the object of his anger at the moment and he shouted in front of all her staff, “You’re such a party pooper. You’re. No wonder mum dumped you!”

Seeing Serena struggling with a drunk Cameron, and given the fact the young doctor was being verbally combative and targeting his anger on Serena, Zav Duval AAU’s surgical registrar came to the woman’s aid. Grateful for his assistance Serena asked, “Alright Zav, can you help me please?”

Zav approached Cameron putting his hands on his shoulders to help him up after the younger man had bent down to help the nurse pick up what had been dropped from the treatment tray. Zav wanted to help Cameron safely out of the hospital, “Alright Cameron, let’s just, let’s just get you out of here.”

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!” Cameron shouted at Zav turning and pushing the bigger man up against a treatment trolley and one of the structural pillars on the ward. 

Everyone was silent for a moment. Serena was as shocked as Zav who had been on the receiving end of Cameron’s aggressive behaviour. The drunk young man pointed at Zav and told him in a much calmer tone slurring his words, “I’ve got a eulogy to prepare.” He turned to Serena and in a loud voice so everyone could hear, “So I thought I’d better come back and see if there are any other things about my mum I ought to know?” 

Serena stood with her left hand on her hip and brought her right hand up to cover the right side of her face in exasperation. Cameron wasn’t quite finished though, he declared, “But hey I saved a life, so we’re all winners.” He turned to Ric and added, “Isn’t that right Mr Griffin?” 

Serena asked what Cameron was talking about and Ric advised her Cameron had spotted a minor clerical error and assured Serena it was nothing. But grinning Cameron stated, “What’s done is Dunn.” He chuckled and turned to Zav smiling, “You see what I did there?”

Robert Dennehey’s monitor started to bleep and Donna advised Ric that the dressing is soaked and his BP is dropping. Zav walked passed Cameron making his way to the patient where Ric and Serena were discussing options. Ric said the clot must have come away and there was a secondary haemorrhage. Zav, on the other hand, said they needed more blood and to get iron into him. Serena declared she wanted him in theatre straight away.

Cameron was annoyed at being ignored by Zav, “Zav? I was talking to you!” When AAU’s registrar ignored him to concentrate on the patient deteriorating in front of them the young doctor turned away from the patient and his colleagues and came face to face with the patient’s best friend. Jake asked what he had done to his friend. Cameron rushed past him to vomit into the waste paper bin at the nurse’s station. Serena looked on with pity at the state of the young man. 

***

Serena and Zav were in surgery with Robert Dennehey. His condition was life-threatening. Cameron was becoming a liability by refusing to leave the hospital. Serena should have asked security to remove him but had refrained from such actions on the account that he was grieving. She knew only too well from first-hand experience how grief could change a person’s personality. So she had cut him some slack. However, he was wearing her patience and understanding thin with his drunken behaviour. 

The young man was furious that Alex had the audacity to show up at his place of work again and again. That the woman he blamed for the break-up of his parent’s marriage was involving herself in his grief and wanted to be involved in his mother’s memorial. Deep down where his rational thoughts still dwelled he knew it was his mother who committed adultery and it was due to years of suppressing her sexuality. If it hadn’t been Alex it would have been another woman. Given she was blown back to Holby he surmised that destiny would have brought his mother and Serena together at any odds. And if it hadn’t been Alex to bring his mother out of the closet then it certainly would have been Serena. 

Begrudgingly he admitted to himself it wasn’t anyone’s fault and his mother had suffered a lie for the majority of her life. Still, he was grief-stricken and angry at his loss. His anger fuelled by the alcohol he focused all his resentment on the one person he could blame for his pain and the turmoil his family had been thrown into. That person was currently on the other side of the operating theatre viewing window, Serena Campbell.

Cameron was banging hard on the window. Serena and Zav tried to work despite the annoying distraction Cameron was causing. The vascular surgeon asked for more saline to flush out the wound on the eighteen-year-old man’s forehead again, having found more grit in it. But still, Cameron persisted on banging his fist on the glass and shouting, 

Zav briefly glanced at the frustrated young man. Then turned back to his work of flushing out the deep laceration with saline from a syringe, “What’s he doing?” 

Serena kept her focused on removing grit with surgical tweezers from the wound. “I believe the phrase is he’s acting out.” Her tone was one of frustration but her focus fully on her patient. 

Still Cameron continued to bang on the window and shouted through the intercom that he could hear them. Without lifting her eyes away from what she was doing Serena addressed the angry young man banging on the window, “Please don’t do this Cameron!” Then seeing what she was looking for addressed Zav and the theatre nurse, “Ok I can see it. Three of Vicryl please.”

Serena put the tweezers down and took the Vicryl to begin suturing. Cameron had his face pressed up against the window squashing his nose against the glass. He called through the intercom, “You’ll be glad to know I was very sick.” He felt it was important to let Serena know this. 

Serena called back without looking at him while suturing her patient’s wound, “Yes I was there Cameron!” Then addressing her theatre team requested, “Can someone turn the intercom off please?”

Cameron found that not in the least bit amusing and let a derisive chuckle out. “Nice one. That was mum’s trick turning people on and off as it suited her. You’d know all about that Serena wouldn’t you, huh?”

“Hard day, for Doctor Dunn. Please accept my apologies for-” Serena was addressing her theatre team and in a protective manner tried to apologise for his behaviour. Like a mother would do she supposed. “That’s what love is I suppose. Defending the indefensible,” she thought with a sad smile. Serena remembered saying those words to Bernie once. The blonde had tried to protect her son from getting in trouble with the police, and sabotaging his promising medical career in the process, after a car crash he was determined to take the blame for. It later turned out he had not been the driver. Bernie had lied to Serena attempting to protect Cameron. How Bernie would be turning in her proverbial grave with the young man’s behaviour now. 

She soon had to push Cameron’s behaviour to one side as her patient went into cardiac arrest. The theatre team sprang to life with the defibrillator set to 120 joules at her instruction. Cameron fell silent as he watched Serena perform chest compressions. The vascular surgeon only stopping to stand clear when the defibrillator was ready to deliver a shock of 120 joules. Zav informed her there was no change in the absence of the patient’s cardiac output. Serena told him to go again and while the defibrillator was recharging she continued with chest compressions and once again stood back when Zav shouted clear. The young patient received a second charge of 120 joules but there was still no change. 

Serena was a little breathless from the exertion of carrying out the chest compressions but ordered, “We’re not going to let this boy die! Go again!” She began chest compressions while the defibrillator recharged again. She was going to fight for this boy. She was keenly aware this was too similar to Elinor. Serena would fight with everything she had to save him. To save another mother from the grief of losing her child. 

Serena and Zav came out of theatre deflated that their attempts to save the boy had not worked. They were met by his best friend Jake who worked out that his friend had died. He began to blame himself and admitted they had both taken ecstasy pills. Serena was annoyed he had blatantly lied to them and her young patient might have lived had they known from the start. Jake made out he was fine, but Zav pointed out an adverse reaction to ecstasy can cause a stroke. Ric had joined them by this point and all three surgeons knew ecstasy could kill, had killed lots of young people over the years. 

Serena explained that they wouldn’t know if the drugs Robert had taken were the cause of his death until the post mortem was carried out. Ric added that the toxicology report would take a week to come back, but he doubted there was anything Serena could have done to avert the young man’s death. Serena, however, felt differently and rubbed her neck in frustration glaring at Ric. She directed her ire at her friend and colleague, “There would have been had we known!”

Jake had begun to blame himself. Cameron had been stood at the theatre doors behind Serena and Zav listening. When he heard Jake blaming himself Cameron stepped forward, “I don’t think so mate.” Serena sighed and rolled her eyes. Not again. The situation was bad enough without adding drunk Cameron into the mix. However, in Cameron’s mind, he thought he was helping. It was clear to everyone else he was making matters much worse. 

Jake asked, “What?”

Cameron took this as an invitation to give his opinion, which he did in a slurred manner, “If someone told you to jump from a fifty story window you wouldn’t do it.”

Serena’s left hand was on Cameron’s back with her right hand stroking his upper right arm trying to comfort and calm him. Zav and Ric were not impressed. This wasn’t going to end well. “Cameron?” She spoke gently to him. But he ignored his clinical lead and ploughed on regardless.

“If someone handed you a-a loaded gun you wouldn’t shoot yourself in the head w-would you?” Jake was confused with Cameron’s rambling and Serena tried to coax him away but Cameron was determined to be heard. “The world is full of stupid selfish people who put themselves in harm’s way and let the rest of us pick up the pieces!” Zav called his colleague by name attempting to get him to listen. 

Serena rolled her eyes knowing Cameron was talking about his own feelings regarding his mother serving in the army and being in places of danger. This was Cameron venting once more, “Oh Cameron come on. That’s ENOUGH!” She shouted at him. 

But as he had done all day, he ignored Serena and shouted over her at Jake, “The only person responsible for Rob being dead is Rob!” It got worse. It got much worse. As Cameron shouted this Robert Dennehey’s parents walked on to AAU hearing the news of their son’s death. Serena dared not to ask the universe if today could possibly get any worse, she still had the memorial to get through and didn’t want to tempt fate. 

***

Serena entered her office with a mug of tea for Cameron whom she had finally managed to corral into her office. He looked forlorn sat on the visitor chairs across from her desk. She sat down next to him and handed him the hot drink. After a loud sigh she informed him that whilst they couldn’t ignore what had happened, Ric Griffin, would speak to Robert Dennehey’s parents and do his best to explain the context of Cameron’s last remark. 

Cameron was despondent, “You don’t have to protect me.”

Serena advised him, “Well I have a duty of care professionally.” She paused and turned to look at him. Adjusting her position in her chair the silver-haired woman placed her right elbow on the back of her chair and rested her head against her hand adding, “But you know it’s more than that.” She smiled at Cameron, “Your Bernie’s son and I will always be here for you.”

Cameron shook his head. He didn’t understand Serena’s loyalty to Bernie. His muddled state and constant need to lash out at the woman stat with him was probably alcohol-fuelled frustration for the most part. But once again he bit back at her kindness and support. “Why? Why don’t you get angry too? Considering how quickly she forgot you!”

Serena sighed and looked away from him, “Oh do stop it, Cameron. You’re not going to wind me up, not today.” After a moments pause, she regarded him again and told him, “You are going to tidy yourself up and focus on celebrating your mother’s memory.” Serena leaned her right elbow against the top of her chair and leaned in towards Cameron emphasising her words, “with people who want nothing more than to share their love and respect for Bernie with you.”

***

And so at the end of her shift, and one very long emotional day, Serena was sat in the cold on the grass outside Wyvern wing beside the Peace garden. She swallowed the dry painful lump in her throat remembering the last time she was sat here. Bernie had been with her. They were attending Jason and Greta’s wedding. Serena remembered how Bernie had agreed to read the speech, “The Right Sort of Animal” during the ceremony. And with an internal chuckle how Bernie had baulked at the idea at first when Serena asked the day before on Jason’s behalf. But the blonde had quickly agreed, adding she would do anything for Serena. The silver-haired woman smiled at the memory of Bernie sat in AAU’s consultant’s office grinning at her with her eyes shut under her messy blonde locks. It was in that adorable way that always melted Serena’s heart and made her fall in love with her just that little bit more.

Serena was not happy that both Cameron and Dominic ‘Dom’ Copeland, the surgical registrar on Keller, were both missing and Bernie's memorial was about to start at any minute. She held onto the poem Dom’s husband Ben ‘Lofty’ Chiltern had handed her which Dom was to read, but given he hadn’t arrived yet it would be down to Serena. The vascular surgeon told Lofty she didn’t do poetry but he shrugged his shoulders and walked off. She could almost hear Bernie’s goose honk of a laugh at her predicament. Was this something Bernie had concocted with Dom should a memorial ever be held for her? Serena thought it was exactly the kind of prank the blonde would pull. 

Cameron did arrive and so did Alex. She thanked him for allowing her to attend his mother’s memorial. The young man made her aware it was because Serena had told him about his mum being engaged to Alex. The brunette tried to console him by advising that Bernie was going to tell him about their engagement on her next leave. Cameron baulked at that and stated he would never know now. Alex handed him a letter Bernie had written her son in the event she was ever killed in action. Cameron couldn’t believe he was only just receiving it now. He really didn’t trust this woman. They took their seats far away from each other. 

Serena took to the podium and started the memorial, “Thank you all so much for coming. I know we’ve all had a long day so we’re going to keep this brief. Umm, umm Bernie would approve. And, and please do join us afterwards for a toast over at Albie’s.” 

Serena had already started reading the poem, she really didn’t do poetry but this was for Bernie and she would do anything for Bernie Wolfe. “The ones that sight her most have never past her haunted house nor simplified her ghost. To pity those who know her not is helped by the regret that those who know her, know her less the near her they get.” Serena cleared her throat and asked Cameron to come up and read the eulogy. But he was too upset to get up and read it. When Serena suggested as it was written down someone else could read it for him, he declined, preferring that no one else read it. 

Dom asked if he could say something and Serena agreed. The young gay surgeon took to the podium. He and Bernie had become good friends and he missed her dearly. He started by addressing Cameron, “We get it. It’s really hard to talk about our mums. So maybe it's a little bit easier if I say something about how your mum made us all feel.” Then addressing everyone Dom talked about Bernie and what she meant to everyone. “That poem was by Emily Dickinson. It’s called ‘Nature’. Now after Dickinson died a draft of the poem was found and the word nature had been changed to the word Susan. It seems that she had been writing about her sister-in-law. She’d fallen in love and she had to hide that love deep inside the thing she did best. Now we’re all trying to get to a place where no one has to hide who they are and we’ve made incredible progress even in my lifetime. But that doesn’t mean that coming out wasn’t difficult for Bernie. And she is one of the strongest bravest people I think any of us have ever met. I was lucky enough to meet an incredible surgeon who was also open and honest and humble.”

Alex and Serena smirked at one another sharing a disbelieving look. Bernie was a closed book to all but a handful of people and even they struggled to get the trauma surgeon to open up. When it came to her abilities she was anything but humble about them. 

Dom continued, “You don’t meet many of those. Cameron, you are so incredibly lucky to have had her as a part of your life. Making you who you are today-” Dom stopped speaking abruptly when Cameron got up and stormed off. Serena watched him go comforted by the fact Nicky had gone after him. 

***

Whether by accident or design Cameron entered the roof of Wyvern Wing. The place his mother would escape to for a cigarette and think when she worked at Holby City. She would often find Dom there and they would indulge in all sorts of conversations. He was followed there by a fellow junior doctor and his housemate Nicky McKendrick. He thrust his mother’s letter into Nicky’s hand and told her to read it out. 

Nicky swallowed and began, “My darling Cameron, we’ve always known this could happen, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I know you’re feeling sad and probably angry as well. I’ve always told you to be true to yourself and to trust your deepest instincts. If I have any regrets then it’s that it took me so long to follow my own advice.” 

Cameron sneered, “Look where that got you!” 

Nicky didn’t stop reading the letter aloud, her voice shaky at times reading the private words a dead mother had left for her son, “I know it’s put a bomb under the whole family and I’m sorry about that. I’m also aware that rather than letting you trust your own instincts I’ve pilled on the pressure at times. I did this because I want you to do all the great things I know you are capable of and that means overcoming a few demons along the way. But most important of all I want you to be happy and to follow your heart. I want you to know that whatever choices you make I love you more than anything in the world, Mum. P.s look after your dad and your sister.” Nicky folded the letter closed handing it back to Cameron. She wiped her nose and added, “It’s really beautiful.”

Cameron ripped the letter up and threw the torn paper onto the roof. He turned away from Nicky and screamed at the top of his lungs. He didn’t want his mother’s words on a piece of paper. He wanted his mother here with him and telling him these things in person. 

***

Serena was sat in her car, eyes closed and lost in thoughts about Bernie. Her heart ached for Bernie. She had thought given enough time she would find love again. It would never compare to the love she has for Bernie, no one could live up to Bernie, but she would be happy and Bernie would be happy. They would find love and companionship eventually, if not with each other then with new partners. They’d always love each other and would keep in touch, and so life would continue for them both. But Bernie being dead wasn’t part of the grand plan. How could she ever move on from this? How could any future partner live with the literal ghost of Bernie Wolfe? Perhaps today was too soon to be having these thoughts.

She was startled from her musings by a tap on her passenger door window. Turning to see who was there she gave an inward groan at the sight of Alex Dawson. Was this woman stalking her now? She thought, had hoped, she’d seen the last of Alex at Albie’s after the memorial. It was probably all over the hospital by now how Bernie had quickly moved on and was marrying the younger woman. Serena put the window down and smiled politely at the other woman hovering at the side of her car. The only thing Serena could say was, “You still here.” Which summed up her feelings precisely. 

Alex nodded, “I’ve been walking.”

Serena was unclear what the younger woman wanted, “Why’d you come back?”

Alex kept her head down and spoke gently, “To say thank you for today. You made me feel included and you didn’t have to do that.”

With a quirk of her right eyebrow Serena admitted, “Well we have something in common, and there was nobody there I could share that with.” 

“How’s Cameron?” Alex enquired.

“In a lot of pain.” Serena wasn’t just talking about Cameron. Looking ahead the faraway look in her eyes spoke of her own pain too.

Alex broke Serena’s thoughts, “I’d like to talk to you. Properly.”

Serena really didn’t want to talk to Alex. Her emotions were being held by a thin thread if she was honest. The only thing stopping the flood gates opening was the fact Cameron needed her to be strong for him. She couldn’t bear to listen to Alex wax lyrical about her relationship and marriage plans with Bernie. “Do we have to?”

But Alex was adamant, “I think we do yeah!”

On Serena’s nod the younger woman climbed into the car beside her. And Serena pointed out, “She wouldn’t like this.” 

Alex grinned, “You think?” 

Serena huffed in agreement and smiled, “No, maybe your right. She did a good impression of being self-effacing but our Berenice Wolfe quite liked being the centre of attention.”

Alex chuckled with a big grin on her face, “Yes she did.” After pausing for a few seconds Alex added with another chuckle, “She could actually be quite pompous.”

Serena agreed heartily with a smile, “She could!”

They sat for a moment both indulging in their own memories of Bernie Wolfe. Alex turned to Serena chuckling at a story of Serena, Bernie had told her once. “Is it true, that, you once told a feeble story of having kissed some girl at a party in Stepney just so you looked a bit cooler?”

“Yes. I don’t know why it had to be Stepney.” Serena admitted. 

Alex couldn’t hold back her laugh, “Ah, do you know that was, that was, one of her favourite stories about you.”

“Umm, should I be annoyed that she told you that?” Serena asked.

Alex had her head back against the headrest and rolled her head to the right to look at Serena, “I don’t see why,” she offered with a warm smile.

Regarding Alex for a moment she nodded her head to the right and asked, “Do you fancy a drink?” After the day Serena had had she really could do with one. 

But Alex declined and explained why “I can’t. I’m due at the airport first thing. Back to Mogadishu.” Her smile had disappeared at the sobering thought of returning to the place where her fiancée had been killed. 

“Well I suppose that’s an excuse of sorts.” Serena stated but not unkindly. 

“Some other time maybe?” Alex’s tone was light and hopeful. 

Serena squeaked out a quiet, “Yep.” It was the only response the older woman could manage.

Alex sat taking in Serena’s profile and could see what Bernie had seen in the other woman. “I am glad we found each other.” 

Her statement seemed sincere enough if slightly odd to Serena. There was an awkward moment when they sat looking at each other. Serena held her breath and Alex weighed up her options. When the brunette moved forward the older woman froze wondering if she was going to be kissed. Alex did kiss her, on the cheek though much to Serena’s relief. 

Serena looked up at the roof of the car and quipped, “Did you hear that?”

Alex paused retrieving her bag from the floor and looked up, “What?”

“Bernie tutting.” Serena joked.

The mood turned serious again when Alex gently covered Serena’s hand and gave it a comforting stroke whispering, “It’s going to be ok.”

Serena’s gaze was fixed straight ahead. Her expression sombre once again, “Yeah. It’s going to be... Ok.”

Alex was losing her battle with her emotions and with a tight lip got out of the car, closed the door and walked away. Serena rested her head back against the headrest looking up at the roof of the car and wondering why after all that had been said by the army, Cameron and Alex and having attended two memorials she still felt Bernie was out there somewhere. Serena believed that if Bernie was dead she would feel it. Perhaps it was the lack of physical evidence, a body.

She was so tired after the emotions of today. Tomorrow was another working day and she needed sleep. Not that she believed she’d get any with the strange dreams she was having since Bernie’s ‘death’. Turning the ignition on she pulled away from her designated parking place deciding to run a bubble bath and indulge in a couple of large glasses of Shiraz. She had earned it. Bernie would approve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive feedback is always welcome.


	3. You were always the One, Serena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cameron's grief reaches new depths of despair and Serena's tough facade cracks and her grief surfaces. Despite what she is told the vascular surgeon can't shake the feeling Bernie is still alive and makes a decision to do something about it.

The day after Bernie Wolfe’s Memorial at Holby City Hospital, 25th July 2019:

After Cameron had blanked her in Pulses, Serena headed straight for her office on AAU and slumped into her chair sighing heavily. With her elbows on her desk, she buried her face in her hands and sighed again in despair. Another night of broken sleep and weird dreams. She opened her desk drawer and took out Bernie’s journal. Serena smiled looking at the journal and rubbed her thumb against the battered and worn cover. This had gone all over the world with Bernie. 

She smiled looking at it knowing she would find Bernie between its pages. The vascular surgeon desperately needed to hear her former lover’s voice talking to her from the pages contained within the battered brown leather cover. Opening the journal Serena came across a page with a description of a Cypress tulip written in Bernie’s scrawl. A sample of the flower was pressed into the page opposite. Serena was surprised by the entry because to her knowledge Bernie had never been posted to Cyprus.

It upset her that there was something she didn’t know about the blonde surgeon, but given Bernie’s propensity for being laconic, she decided there was probably a few things she didn’t know about Berenice Wolfe. She was still sat deep in her thoughts and sorrow when the deputy clinical lead of AAU, Ric Griffin, entered their shared office. The consultant’s office she had once shared with her co-lead and partner, Bernie Wolfe. She glanced up at him and they shared a polite good morning with each other.

Ric moved to his desk placing a patient’s file on it. He stood behind the chair at the desk opposite her own which had once been Bernie’s. Everything was reminding her of Bernie and her absence from her life. Ric paused holding his stethoscope between both hands and enquired, “Are you ok?”

Attempting to focus on the paperwork she was trying to complete and without looking up at her colleague Serena assertively replied, “Yes I’m fine.”

In a caring tone Ric emphasised what he meant, “I mean, are you ok to be at work?” 

With a brief glance and tight smile at the man stood opposite her Serena confirmed her first statement, “I think so.” 

Ric wasn’t convinced but he wasn’t going to push the issue any further, for now anyway. But he would keep an eye on his friend and colleague. Placing his stethoscope on his desk he changed the focus of attention to Bernie’s grief-stricken son, Cameron. With a sigh, he informed her, “I’ve had a chat with Cameron.”

This earned him Serena’s full attention. The vascular surgeon sat back in her chair clasping her silver pen between hands. Concerned, but interested, she enquired, “Oh yes, and how did that go?” 

“He assured me there would be no repeat of yesterday.” He offered with a slight smile.

Serena was relieved to hear that, “Good. Thanks for not perusing the matter.” 

Ric reasoned, “Well we all need to be cut some slack from time to time and maybe the work will be a good distraction.”

Serena assured him, “Mmm, I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Ric said nothing in reply just regarded his friend with concern and thought to himself, “And I will keep an eye on you, Serena Campbell.”

***

Serena turned around to see AAU’s Senior Nurse, Donna Jackson, pushing a wheelchair with an injured Alex Dawson in it. “Alex, what happened? Thought you’d left for Mogadishu?” 

“An RTC on the way to the airport. Stupid” She replied while Donna helped her out of the wheelchair. 

“She’s just come from the ED where she’s had a head scan” Donna informed her clinical lead.

AAU’s surgical registrar Zav joined them and reading from the patient report form he added, “GCS is fifteen. No vomiting. Scan results are on their way.

Alex moved over to the hospital bed and advised the three clinicians, “A couple of paracetamols won’t go amiss.”

“Yes I’ll take this.” Serena informed Zav holding her hand out for Alex’s patient report form.

“Are you sure?” Zav questioned.

“Yes.” Serena responded looking him in the eye and keeping her hand out for the patient report form he was still holding onto. When Zav handed her the form she took it but kept looking at him with an annoyed expression. Really she hated being cuddled. It was bad enough Ric had attempted it this morning. But at least they were of a similar age, long-time friends and consultants. She wouldn’t stand for her registrar, junior doctors or nurses questioning her ability to be at work or to treat a particular patient. 

Serena relayed the scan results she had received on her tablet to Alex, “Well this scan shows there’s no brain injury so that’s good.” She closed the cover of the tablet placing it on the table at the foot of the bed and enquired, “Ah, where’s the pain now?” 

“I’ve got a bit of a headache. And I’ve also got some pain here.” Alex indicated the pain was on the right side of her abdomen by moving her right hand around the area. 

Serena squeezed some antibacterial gel onto her hand from the bottle at the foot of the bed. Rubbing the gel into both hands she requested, “Mind if I have a look?”

“No of course not,” Alex agreed.

Serena lifted Alex’s top-up, “Right, well judging by the bruising I’d say the impact was mainly on your left-hand side.” Pointing at the area Alex had said was painful Serena asked, “May I?” When Alex nodded her consent Serena began to gently palpate the area with her fingers. Noticing Alex wince in pain the vascular surgeon stood up and informed her patient, “Yep, there is some abdominal bloating.” But with Alex being a doctor herself Serena suspected she was already aware of this. Her eyes never leaving the younger woman’s she pointed to the painful area asking, “Is the pain dull or sharp?”

Alex replied on a raspy breath, “Sharp. I’ve had it for a while now actually.”

Serena was a little surprised to hear this, “What since before the accident?” She enquired.

“A few weeks.” Alex offered with a sigh. 

Serena asked, “Right, umm, any feelings of nausea?” When Alex nodded in the affirmative Serena turned to staff nurse Lofty, “Ok let’s get an abdominal ultrasound as a matter of urgency please.” Lofty left Serena and Alex to carry out the consultant’s instructions. 

The older woman had her tablet in her hand and was about to walk away when Alex asked, “Do you think it’s fate?” When Serena looked puzzled by the comment Alex elaborated, “Us being thrown back together again like this?”

Serena let out a short laugh, “Ha Ha, well I hope you’re not suggesting that it’s some divine intervention from Bernie?” She smiled at Alex. Just mentioning Bernie’s name made her smile and her heartache that little bit more.

Alex smiled up at Serena from her hospital bed, “She knew better than anyone that we’d probably have a lot to chat about. And just so you know I’m happy to talk whenever you are.”

Serena didn’t feel ready to talk about Bernie with anyone right now. She was barely keeping her emotions in check as it was. But the brief chat she had with Alex in her car the previous evening had lightened her mood a little at the time. They were after all the only two people who knew how the other felt right now. She accepted the offer with a tight smile saying, “Right. Right.” and walked away. Now definitely wasn’t the time or place for this conversation. 

***

Cameron in the light blue scrubs of AAU walked up to the nurse’s station placing a patient’s file down. He turned and noticed Donna and Serena were with Alex. Walking over to them he asked Alex directly, “What happened?” 

But it was Serena who answered, “Ah, Alex was involved in an RTC. No real damage was done. But she has ongoing pain in her back on the right-hand side. We think it might have something to do with the liver.”

Despite making assurances to Ric Griffin that he would not make a repeat performance of his bad behaviour the day before, Cameron, couldn’t resist having a go at Alex, “Hmm, ongoing pain in the backside. No surprise for me there.” 

Alex chuckled derisively at the bitter young man, “Oh, wow!” 

“Of course it could have been brought on by the stress of spending most of yesterday with people who hate her!” Cameron wasn’t pulling any punches in letting Alex know how much he disliked her. Not that Alex had been in any doubt about that in the first place. But being a patient on his ward she had expected the young doctor to put aside his personal issues with her and treat her with professionalism and the respect any patient should expect. 

Serena slammed shut the file she had been reading and rounded the bed addressing Cameron, “Come here!” He followed her where they stood behind a structural pillar not far from Alex and Donna. Serena folded her arms and exasperated asked, “Was that really necessary?”

Cameron replied nonchalantly, “Made me feel better.”

“You know you’re pretty hard to be around at the moment.” Serena informed him.

“So don’t be around me!” He spat back at the older woman. 

“Oh that easy eh?” Serena had a light bulb moment and told Cameron, “Actually do you know what, I’d like you to assist me on this.”

Cameron couldn’t believe Serena was requesting this of him, “Why?”

Serena’s tone was gentle and she was being sincere, “Because, I think we would both benefit from working closely today.”

Cameron walked off not in the least bit impressed that he had been roped into looking after the one person he hated. Serena returned to Alex. The older woman kept her arms folded across her chest. Raising her eyebrows and sighing she shared a knowing look with Alex at her exacerbation with Cameron’s behaviour. Addressing Donna she requested. “Umm, could you get Mr Levy down for a second opinion please?” Then turning to Alex she advised her with a smile, “He’s a specialist in the field, so.”

Alex smiled back at Serena, “At least there’s one person here that doesn’t hate me.”

“Why should I hate you?” Serena asked.

Alex thought it should be obvious but answered anyway, “Because I was with Bernie.” 

“And if Bernie chose to be with you, you can’t be that bad a person.” Serena stated honestly.

Alex added, “She chose you too.”

Serena smiled. “Mmmm,” was the only verbal acknowledgement Serena made before walking away from Alex. 

***

Consultant surgeon and clinical leader on Keller, Sasha Levy, came down to AAU for a consult. He was reviewing Alex’s scan results on the tablet. Serena told him her diagnosis, “I thought a hepatic cyst.”

He agreed pointing at the scan picture on the tablet, “Yes you can clearly see it on the left side of the liver. It’s ruptured and been bleeding.” Serena’s attention was taken away from her colleague when Alex was wheeled back onto AAU in her bed past the two consultants. Sasha was unaware of Serena’s distraction and continued with his surgical recommendation, “So I think a laparoscopic hepatic cystectomy.” 

“Good. Yes, agreed.” Serena took the tablet back from Sasha.

“Do you want to do the op on Keller?” He offered. 

“I’d prefer to keep her down here.” Serena informed him.

Sasha was fine with that, “Just let me know when you’re ready to go.” 

“Will do, thank you. Thanks” Serena offered as she made her way straight to Alex. 

Noticing the younger woman wincing in pain as she approached her, Serena enquired with a concerned look on her face, “Is the pain getting worse?”

Alex huffed writhing with the pain a little, “Ugh, it’s bearable.” 

“Ok, ah-ah well, the scan shows us what we’re dealing with so hopefully we’ll be able to resolve the problem and things should start getting better.” Serena reassured her patient with a smile.

Alex smiled up at Serena, “Bernie was right, you’re a natural.”

Serena let a small laugh go and smiled back at Alex. “I um, I was looking at, err looking at her book earlier on again, and I saw a Cyprus tulip. I- I didn’t know she was stationed there.”

“Ah, she wasn’t. It’s the only time I managed to persuade her to go on a proper holiday. She needed to get away and I found a little hotel just on the coast just up from Pathos.” Alex’s smile was warm as her memories took her back to the happy holiday she had shared with Bernie on Cyprus.

Serena’s face showed pain and Alex immediately regretted sharing that. “Shouldn’t keep going on about her. I’m sorry.”

But Serena had a different opinion, “Oh no, please. I really love hearing the stories, it makes it feel like she’s still around.”

Alex was relieved. She smiled at Serena, “Okay.” Talking about Bernie helped the younger woman cope and like Serena it made it feel like Bernie was still there. Serena was the only person she could share her feelings for the blonde trauma surgeon who had captured both their hearts.

***

Serena had decided that it would be cathartic to talk about Bernie with Alex. The young woman shared the pain she was enduring and no one else knew Bernie Wolfe the way they did. Serena was sat in a chair beside Alex’s bed facing her. She wanted to know about the last few months of Bernie’s life and the things she didn’t know about Bernie, the love of her life. And so she talked with Alex and the brunette shared everything she could think of with the older woman. She finally got round to the last week of Bernie’s life. “And in that last week, she saved the life of a senior Somali officer. He was the victim of a roadside IED. Driving into town with his family. She tended to his injured young son and daughter. Spent hours reassuring his wife. She even paid for a hotel for them to stay in nearby.” 

Serena was getting choked and tapped the arm of the chair with the palm of her hand attempting to keep the tears at bay, “That’s Bernie for you.”

“Almost a daily occurrence out there.” Alex added with a faraway look. Serena nodded having a battle on her hands to keep control of her emotions. Alex sighed, “She was in her element you know. Doing the job she loved. In the place that so badly needed it.”

Donna had approached the two women but held back hearing the emotion in Serena’s voice when the older woman asked on a shaky breath, “And she-she, she was, was happ-happy?” 

Alex looked right into Serena’s eyes and could see the love there for Bernie. Despite knowing Alex was going to marry her former lover the other woman had been kind and respectful towards her. Her only agenda was that Bernie was happy in life, even if that meant she couldn’t be with Serena, had to work thousands of miles away and was in a relationship with someone else. Bernie’s happiness was paramount to Serena. Alex knew she was looking at real love. “Yeah.” She genuinely hoped to know this would give Serena some kind of peace. 

Donna informed them, “We should have a full team in about five minutes.”

Serena thanked the retreating nurse. Alex reached her left hand out and placed it on top of Serena’s hand, “Thank you, you know for taking care of me.”

Serena tutted, smiled and shook her head. Patting Alex’s hand she told her, “Oh come on. The least I could do.” 

Both women were unaware that Cameron was watching them from the nurse’s station and making assumptions about their relationship which was completely unfounded and absolutely wrong. 

Alex suddenly blurted out, “It makes me feel bad.” 

Serena didn’t understand, “Why?”

Alex looked up at Serena, “Because I lied to you.”

Serena was more confused than ever, “About what?” 

Just as Alex was about to tell her Ric shouted for help in the side room where a patient’s monitor was indicating they were deteriorating rapidly. 

“I’m sorry.” Alex couldn’t offer anything more at the moment. Serena wanted to know what she was sorry about, what was this lie, but she had to assist her colleagues with the patient. Donna called for Serena’s assistance. The vascular surgeon called back that she was coming and got up heading to the patient in need. Alex felt more miserable than ever. She had to tell Serena the truth or Bernie, even from the afterlife, would never forgive her. It was pure jealousy which had got her into this mess. Only honesty would get her out now. 

***

Alex was on the theatre trolley waiting to be taken into theatre. She watched Serena arrive in her light blue scrubs wearing her leopard print scrub cap. The vascular surgeon leaned over the trolley on Alex’s right side and asked, “What did you lie about?”

Alex looked guilty. But her attention was taken by Sasha who came up beside her on her left and in a gentle tone advised her, “You know the drill. Ok counting down from ten.”

Serena was desperate to know what Alex had lied about. “Alex?”

The younger woman didn’t respond to Serena’s question. Instead, she began to count from ten backwards as the anaesthetic took effect and by the time she had reached eight her eyes were closed and the anaesthetic had taken effect. She was under. Serena went to scrub in.

The operation was well underway and Sasha was working on cutting away the cyst. The liver and cyst were displayed on a large screen in front of him. Serena asked if he would be able to get all the cyst but Sasha was unsure at that point. So the vascular surgeon informed the team, “Right so we all need to focus. And if anyone can’t, leave now.”

“Sure you can?” Cameron asked from the other side of the operating table. 

Serena couldn’t believe her ears, “I beg your pardon?”

“Can’t be easy treating someone you’re in such a close relationship with.” Cameron stated.

Really where was he getting his information from Serena thought and tried to put him straight on the matter, “Miss Dawson and I are hardly close.”

“I saw you yesterday.” Cameron wasn’t giving up.

Serena was confused to what Cameron thought he saw and where he might have seen it, “What do you mean you saw me yesterday?”

“The two of you in the car” He declared.

Serena thought this was ridiculous. What on earth was Cameron playing at? “She kissed me on the cheek. That was all.” She glanced at Sasha hoping he would believe her. It was the truth and Serena hadn’t encouraged it at all.

“She kissed you!” He was incensed at this revelation. Serena sighed at his outburst. Cameron wasn’t finished though, “Oh, you’ve been all over her since she turned up here. Holding hands, whispering, laughing. It’s embarrassing!” 

Cameron had finally crossed the line. Serena couldn’t put up with his attitude or behaviour towards her any more. She sympathised with his grief and had cut him so much slack but his unprofessional behaviour towards her had just reached a whole new level of unacceptable. She was angry and shouted at him, “Get out, NOW!” She informed Sasha she would take over and took up Cameron’s position of being the camera operator for the operation. Serena was seething with anger. Sasha didn’t mention the altercation and just advised her he was ready to make the first incision. 

Cameron hadn’t left the theatre though. The theatre team were unaware he was stood watching Serena through the long narrow pane of glass in the door. Whilst Sasha cut at the cyst a blood vessel was nicked and the area began to fill with blood. Sasha advised he was going to try and remove the entire capsule. Serena was deep in thought though and when she was deep in thought she always looked serious, intense and concerned. She wanted to help this young woman and fellow doctor. She had to do it for Bernie and for herself. Alex was the only other person who knew Bernie intimately who she could talk to about her ex. Serena also had to know what Alex had lied about. Sasha called to Serena breaking her out of her thoughts and bringing her back to the present. She apologised.

The monitor began to bleep and Serena informed Sasha their patient’s BP was dropping. He advised he would aspirate but Serena stated the BP was still dropping. Her expression was one of real concern especially when Sasha said they were losing control. 

“The bleeds getting worse!” Serena noted.

“Alright keep calm.” Sasha advised.

“I am calm,” Serena snapped. 

Sasha asked Serena to take over suction as well. She stood with the camera and suction looking at the screen and sighed loudly, “Come on.” She was pleading with Alex.

Sasha asked kindly, “Do you need someone to take over?”

Serena wasn’t going anywhere, “No.” When Sasha kept looking at her as if he didn’t believe her Serena snapped, “No, I’m fine.” Sasha accepted this and they continued with the operation. Cameron was making his own assumptions as to why Serena was so concerned and so visibly upset. And they were once again the wrong conclusions.

“Let’s see if this holds” Sasha informed Serena, his friend and colleague.

Serena was tense like a coiled spring willing the procedure to work. She had to know what Alex’s lie was. She genuinely didn’t want the woman to die either. “It’s got to,” she rasped pensively. When Sasha smiled and stated it had worked, Serena let out a loud sigh of relief and looked at the anaesthetised younger woman. 

***

Serena had only just left the theatre and returned to AAU in her own clothes when Cameron collared her. The young man was like a dog with a bone over his assumption something was going on between Serena and Alex. “I saw you in there. Y-your face when you nearly lost her.”

Serena was tired and emotionally strung out and really couldn’t deal with Cameron’s wild assumptions and conspiracy theories. “Oh, not now Cameron!” Serena’s tone signalled her exasperation with him.

But the young doctor just couldn’t let go and persisted, “I-I saw what saving her meant to you. It makes me sick to think what’s been going on between you two. Did you ever really love my mum?”

Serena was deeply hurt by his accusations and the assumption that she hadn’t loved Bernie. Oh, she had loved Bernie with her heart and soul like no other person she had ever loved before or would love again. She would not dignify such a vile accusation and with a look of utter disgust, Serena walked passed him into her office and slammed the door on him. Once alone she closed her eyes and released a loud sigh, a mixture of relief and frustration. 

Later on, when Ric noticed Serena sat in the corridor rocking slightly deep in thought he approached and took the seat next to his friend. It was obvious the woman was not coping with her grief, “Is everything ok?” Ric asked kindly.

Serena let go of a dismissive chuckle, “Mmm, is it ever!”

After checking no one was around to overhear him Ric gave her his opinion in a quiet and gentle manner, “I’m wondering if you shouldn’t take some time off. Give yourself a chance to grieve properly, for Bernie.”

Serena nodded in quiet agreement. Then they were both aware of Cameron hovering next to Serena. She almost flinched not able to take any more unkindness from the young man whom she had only wanted to help, still only wanted to help. 

Ric stood making way for Cameron, “I’ll leave you to it.” 

Cameron took the seat the older man had just vacated. Serena couldn’t bring herself to look at him. His demeanour had changed as he wrung his hands and turned his body towards her. His expression apologetic and his tone gentle. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Serena stared straight ahead, “I’m not sure I am upset.” She tried to explain how she felt but wasn’t entirely sure herself, “I’m not sure what I am to be honest. Sad. Angry... Empty.” 

“You and me both.” Cameron agreed. 

She glanced at the young man and informed him, “I think I’m going to take Mr Griffin’s advice and ask for some compassionate leave. 

Slightly hesitantly Cameron shared, “I was thinking the same thing. A week or two at mum’s cottage could do me some good.”

Serena smiled at the memories of happy times she had spent there with Bernie, “It is quiet there.”

Trying to lighten the mood a little Cameron leaned towards Serena and with a smile added, “I’ll do my best to change that.” Serena’s expression was so sad. Cameron shook his head, “I should never have questioned your love for mum. I’m sorry.”

Serena looked directly at him. She could see he was being sincere. But in a solemn tone informed him, “Nothing happened between me and Alex.”

Cameron nodded holding Serena’s gaze, “I know.”

“I-” Serena took a breath to say something. But her throat was dry and tight and she couldn’t say what she wanted to initially and looked away. Swallowing hard against the searing pain she felt at Bernie’s loss she tried again, “I just miss your mum.”

“She’s still here.” He put his hand on Serena’s shoulder to comfort her and joked, “Still messing with our heads.” 

They both smiled at that thought and Serena let out a large sigh fighting back the tears threatening to fall.

***

Alex was dozing when Serena entered her room on AAU. When the younger woman opened her eyes and turned her head to see who was coming into the room, Serena smiled at her, “Hi!”

“Hey.” Alex replied in a friendly tone.

Dropping her gaze and moving to the side of the bed Serena reassured Alex, “So the, ah, the operation was a success.”

“I never doubted you.” Alex assured Serena.

The older woman looked away with a serious expression on her face. “I umm, I’m going to take some time off, so I can grieve... Properly.” Serena was clearly struggling with her emotions. 

Alex just studied her and agreed gently, “Yeah, that sounds sensible.”

With a pensive expression Serena asked, “What were you saying before? About lying to me?” She had to know what the lie was Alex had begun to confess to earlier. She couldn’t wait any longer.

Alex looked distressed and swallowed hard. Her eyes filling with unshed tears. The younger woman knew if she loved Bernie then she had to put the record straight and let Serena know the truth. So swallowing hard and with a slightly shaky voice she came clean, “I-I lied about Bernie. I told you I was the love of her life, but I wasn’t.” She shook her head. The pain of her next admission hurting her deeply. 

But she ploughed on because Serena really did deserve to know the truth, “You were.” Alex squeezed her eyes shut and sighed heavily against the pain of the truth, “She always talked about you. She made that book for you.” With tears mounting in her eyes and shaking her head Alex stated on a sorrowful sigh, “You were always the one Serena, and I could never come close.” Alex was barely able to contain her emotions and on a deep sigh she concluded, “She loved you!”

It all made sense now. It had baffled Serena how Alex knew so much about her and Bernie’s opinion of her. While Serena knew very little about Alex because Bernie never really talked about her. It was obvious now. Bernie had been over her past relationship with Alex but would never be over her relationship with Serena. The older woman realising that she was the love of Bernie’s life as much as Bernie would always be the love of her life. 

Serena’s chin wobbled and with her voice thick with emotion she declared proudly, “And I loved her... I always will-” Serena’s final restraint over her grief broke and she let out a great big sob barely able to finish, “Thank- thank you, thank you. Her right hand shot up to cover her face as she sobbed allowing her tears to fall. 

Alex allowed her own tears to fall then. Both women were enveloped by the searing pain of shared grief only they understood for the woman they had both loved dearly. The woman who for both of them was the love of their life. 

***

The day after Bernie Wolfe’s Memorial, Mogadishu, Somalia, 25th July 2019:

In a small side room two people laid on white metal framed beds with black rubber mattresses and a white sheet under them. They each had a single pillow and sheet for comfort. There was a battered fan turning, but one of the blades was broken and would catch the ceiling on each rotation causing clicking and juddering noise. The room was spartan with a small window covered with a sun-bleached shutter. The bright sun managing to snake into the room through its slats. A nurse took care of the two occupants a man and a woman who both wore the uniform of the British army. Both had been caught in the double suicide bombing carried out by Al-Shabaab on the military hospital near the airport a week ago.

The death toll was high and the number of people injured even higher. The two soldiers were battered, bruised and had varying serious injuries. Their uniforms were torn and bloodied. Both had been unconscious for a week but were thankfully still alive thanks to the assistance and bravery of a husband and wife. The couple had been helped by the medical team at the joint British/American and African Union military-run hospital after a vicious robbery on their shop had left them both injured two months ago. They had felt compelled to help in return when the need arose. 

It had been organised chaos in the neighbourhood around the hospital since the bombings. A mixture of Somali soldiers, Mogadishu police and firefighters with what medical personnel could be mustard between local hospitals and the remaining British, American and African medical teams were all over the scene of the bombings. Alongside them, soldiers from the British, American and African armies stationed in the country helped their Somali colleagues. In the hours and first couple of days they searched for survivors and tended to the wounded. As time went on it became blatantly obvious there were no more survivors and it became purely a recovery operation and casualty lists were updated.

In the ensuing pandemonium following the bombings people were laid dead, injured or running from the danger zone. While others screamed searching for loved ones. Other’s helped wounded into houses and shops. There were rumours for days that members of Al-Shabaab were walking the streets of the city looking for western and African soldiers and anyone collaborating with them. While other rumours abounded that another attack was imminent. 

The local community was terrified of reprisals from Al-Shabaab if found to be collaborating with and/or harbouring western soldiers. Al-Shabaab had a ruthless reputation for delivering punishments to those they believe to have broken Sharia law. There were many examples over the past twenty-eight years of what happened to those deemed guilty, with homes and businesses being burnt down and people murdered.

In the chaos immediately following the bombings, and with the threat of more attacks from Al-Shabaab, a local man and his wife decided to help. They came across two injured British soldiers near the hospital. Despite calling for medical help there were too many wounded being tended to by the too few available medics. Those not on duty were running to help their comrades and patients but were quickly overwhelmed by the enormity of the devastation and number of casualties.

Not able to get any immediate help, and with the military hospital out of action, they were forced to do the next best thing. One at a time they unceremoniously bundled the two soldiers into a battered rusty white Toyota Land Cruiser and drove at speed to Madina Hospital. The roads were packed with military and civilian ambulances queuing to get into the nearest hospital. So they drove on a couple of blocks to Banadir Maternity and Children’s Hospital. One of their neighbours was a paediatric nurse at the hospital and they knew they could get help for the two wounded soldiers at that hospital.

With the help of a porter they managed to get the two soldiers into a secluded room. Banadir Maternity and Children’s Hospital was underfunded and in dire need of investment in facilities and staff. But the hospital's staff were professional nurses and doctors who cared about the sanctity of life and would do all they could to help heal their two new patients, especially given the dire circumstances which had brought them to the hospital.

Both patients were set up on drips of fluid and antibiotics. The doctor had a nurse take their blood and observations. He advised the husband and wife that both patients were in a serious condition but they would do all they could for them. The doctor said he would get word to the British army at the military hospital that two of their soldiers were in their care. Having done all they could the man and woman left the soldiers in the care of the hospital and left the room closing the door behind them. 

There were muffled voices. Speaking in a foreign language Bernie didn’t recognise or understand. Her mouth still tasted of blood and her head, hand and leg hurt more than she remembered any pain hurting. She could only open her left eye and the view from it was unfamiliar and somewhat blurred. Why was she here? Where was here? Her back was complaining. Probably been laid down too much, but she had no strength or desire to move for now. The last time she had tried that the pain caused her to pass out. Explosion. Two explosions she remembered. Then as she drifted off into the blackness once again her last thought was, “Christ, Marcus is going to be pissed!”

***

Still the day after Bernie Wolfe’s Memorial, Holby, 25th July 2019:

Serena had decided instead of going back to her empty leafy detached she would head over to Jason and Greta’s. Hoping spending time with her nephew, his wife Greta and their daughter Guinevere would lift her spirits. The toddler was Serena’s grandniece and surrogate granddaughter. She knew spending time with her family would help ground her and get her through her initial grief. Although she would never stop truly grieving for Bernie any more than she would stop grieving for her daughter, Elinor.

She arrived on Jason’s door with an apologetic look and bearing a peace offering of fish and chips with extra gherkins and a pickled egg. Jason pointed out it was not fish and chip night, but seeing the tearful expression on his aunts face and understanding the memorial had taken place for Aunty Bernie this evening, he stood aside letting his aunt in and thanked her for the fish and chips. 

Serena didn’t really touch her food. She had lost her appetite when she was told Bernie was missing in action. When Greta put a bottle of Shiraz on the coffee table with a wine glass Serena looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “I told Jason to buy a bottle for when you visit. You deserve a drink. We are sorry for your loss.”

Tears glistened in her eyes. How thoughtful they were. She cuddled Guinevere for thirty minutes and then Greta took her to put her down. It was past her bedtime but they had allowed her to stay up later than usual to afford Serena a little time with the toddler. Serena poured herself a glass of Shiraz and settled back into the cushions of the settee. She was aware of her nephew’s scrutiny and lifting the glass to her lips she paused looking at him, “Yes?” She enquired before taking a sip.

Jason had taken the news that Bernie, his Aunty Bernie as he still preferred to call her, had been reported missing in action and was presumed dead very hard. He had not been able to attend either the family memorial in London or the one held at the hospital for Bernie due to him not coping with his grief in public. He was out of kilter and couldn’t believe that Doctor Bernie would never come home, despite his statistician wife giving him chapter and verse on the statistics of surviving a large explosion at close quarters. That conversation had led to their first proper fight with Jason storming out shouting he didn’t need to know. 

“Do you still love Aunty Bernie?” The young man eventually asked. 

Serena considered herself an expert at dealing with Jason, but even she hadn’t been expecting this. She stuttered around a mouthful of Shiraz, “What? Of-of course I do! Why would you think I didn’t?”

“You have accepted Aunty Bernie is dead, without conclusive proof.” He replied matter-of-factly like it was obvious. 

This was the last conversation Serena had wanted tonight. She had visited Jason and his little family in order to be distracted from talk and thoughts of a dead Bernie. She should have known better. Jason had taken the news particularly badly. Sighing she attempted to be realistic and practical. “If you mean because there is no body, then yes I have had to accept with the weight of evidence,” She paused swallowing hard against her emotions but carried on with a wavering voice, “That ah, that... Bernie is dead,”

“Why? What could possibly make you believe that?” He didn’t understand. “If Greta were reported missing and there was no body then I would never believe she was dead-” He was cut off by an emotional and frustrated aunt. 

“Yes, well Jason, the facts are no one in the immediate vicinity of the explosions survived and the trauma unit was destroyed. And umm, they-they, found Bernie’s body armour and the state it’s in is incompatible with life-” She took a racking sob not able to hold back her emotions at thought of what the bomb had done to her beloved Bernie. 

“I don’t mean to upset you, Aunty Serena.” She offered him a warm smile to indicate she knew he meant no offence. “Without a body, surely there is hope Aunty Bernie is still alive? Who’s to say she was in the trauma unit when the bomb went off or that it’s really her body armour?”

“Well as much I want to believe Bernie is still alive, and trust me Jason I really do, the evidence we have all points to her being dead. Alex, her fiancée, told me she was working that day. Knowing how busy they were on a daily basis it’s unlikely she wasn’t in the trauma unit at the time of the bombing.” She held his gaze and hoped he would drop this line of thought. 

“But not impossible.” He stated emphatically.

Serena sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration, “Jason-”

He cut her off, “Aunty Bernie was always there for you. She loves you. If you were missing she would do everything to find you. Why aren’t you doing the same?”

Serena was brought up short by her nephew’s opinion and took a moment to consider his words. If she was honest she had never believed Bernie was dead and didn't feel that she was. The scientist in her knew it was not possible to feel whether someone was dead or not. But Serena still retained a keen belief that Bernie was alive and out there somewhere. Jason was right, Bernie wouldn't hesitate to search for Serena if she were the one missing.

But Bernie Wolfe is a big macho army medic, whereas Serena was... Well, suburban, a vascular surgeon and great aunt. What did she know of adventure and danger? Nothing. But Bernie is missing and in need of help and as Alex and everyone else in a position to help seemed to have given up hope that Bernie was still alive, it was up to Serena to find her. 

Serena decided she would speak to Cameron in the morning and sound him out. Then she would visit Alex. But she was going to have to ask Ric Griffin a favour in getting her vaccinations for Somalia. She already knew, despite what Cameron or Alex might have to say about the matter, that she was going to be heading to Somalia to find Major Berenice Wolfe and hopefully bring her home alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive feedback is always welcome.


	4. Operation Desert Wolfe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena and Cameron are shown the remains of the military hospital and what's left of Major Wolfe's body armour. But Serena refuses to give up her search for the love of her life. She just knows Bernie is still alive.

The following day, AAU, Holby City Hospital, 26th July 2019:

Serena Campbell, clinical lead on AAU, paused at the door of the side room. Looking through the window of the door she noted Alex Dawson was being tended to by a nurse. She waited for the nurse to complete her observations. Serena took a step back smiling at the nurse when she left the room and stepped inside. 

Alex had her head resting back against the pillows starring at the ceiling. Serena closed the door gently, “Hello.”

Not expecting to see Serena, because she had said she was taking compassionate leave, the brunette was pleasantly surprised to see the older woman. “Hey. What do I owe the pleasure?”

Serena laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her neck with one hand and pointed to Alex’s abdomen with the other, “Ha-Ha, how, ah, how are things?”

Alex glanced down at her abdomen and then at Serena with a smile, “Ah, tender but healing. Thanks to your excellent care.” Serena blushed a little and dropped her gaze to the floor with a pensive look on her face. “Out with it.”

Looking up Serena sighed, “Am I that obvious?”

Alex chucked, “As much as I would like to flatter myself you’re here to check on my wellbeing, I doubt that.”

“Ha! Well, I’m glad to see you are mending nicely.” Serena advised with a warm smile. “But you’re right, I’m here with an ulterior motive.” The pensive expression was back,

“Ulterior motive? Sounds intriguing.” Alex teased the already flustered older woman. 

“Weelll, I need your help.” Seeing Alex’s puzzled expression Serena decided to just come right out with it, “I don’t believe Bernie is dead and I’m going to Mogadishu to find her and bring her home.” 

Alex just stared at the silver-haired surgeon in utter disbelief. Letting a derisive chuckle loose she asked, “I’m sorry. Did you just say you’re going to Mogadishu to bring Bernie back?” When Serena nodded Alex shook her head, “I-wha-, I credited you with more common sense than this! Bernie said you were highly intelligent.”

Serena tried to explain, “As mad as it might sound to you I have-”

Alex cut her off, “Mad? It’s positively insane, Serena! It’s a war zone with a high crime rate. You have no idea how bad it is out there. Bernie is dead! Why risk your own life proving what we already know?”

“You were going to marry her. How can you give up on her?” Serena really didn’t understand Alex’s attitude. 

“How dare you say that!” Alex sat up abruptly causing her to wince in pain. She was hurt at the accusation.

“Make me understand then. Why do I feel she’s still alive and you don’t?” Serena was prepared to listen to Alex’s argument and change her mind if the younger woman was able to convince her.

“I was there. I saw the devastation. The death and, and.” Alex swallowed hard and looked away, “her battered body armour. The state it was in was incompatible with life.” Turning her head back she looked directly at Serena. The younger woman’s eyes glistened with unshed tears at the memory. “I wish it weren’t true but Bernie is gone, Serena.” 

The older woman thought about that for a moment. She sighed and ran her right hand down her face, “I think you have closure because you were there. You have the proof you need to accept she’s gone. I don’t. I need to do this, Alex. I need to see there is no hope, maybe find her remains or, or if there is even the slimmest of chances to find her alive-”

Alex was shaking her head and cut Serena off firmly, “She’s dead. Why can’t you accept what I and the army have told you? Why risk your life for nothing?” 

Dropping her hand Serena regarded the other woman with a smile, “Because it isn't nothing, its Bernie.” It was clear Alex wasn’t agreeing with her by the way she continued to shake her head, “I have to do this. Bernie and I always had each other’s backs. My nephew reminded me last night that if I was missing Bernie would do everything to find me.”

“Trust me, Serena, you don’t want to go there. There are no remains because, because, she-ah, she was too close to the epicentre of the first bomb. You should remember her the way you knew her.” Alex really didn’t want Serena to have to see what she had seen and wouldn’t be able to erase once seen. Alex would have nightmares for the rest of her life and she was a seasoned army officer. 

Serena locked eyes with the younger woman and in her most authoritative voice advised, “I’m not asking for your permission. I’m a big girl and an experienced surgeon. I am aware it’s a war zone, but I HAVE to do this, for me as much as for Bernie.”

Alex sighed and raised her arms and looked down at herself, “I’m not in a position to help.” 

Serena folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow, “Not physically no. But a seasoned army officer like yourself must have some contacts who can help?”

Alex dropped her arms onto the bed and let her head fall back against the pillow. Closing her eyes she mumbled, “Bernie said you could be exasperating when you wanted something.”

Serena chuckled, “So save yourself a headache. Bernie must have told you when I want something, I always win!”

Alex opened her eyes and let her head roll to the left. She regarded Serena with a defeated smile. Raising her left hand she pointed at the older woman, who was now smirking at her and informed Serena, “You realise I’m incapacitated and not on full form. That’s the only reason you won!”

“My experience of military medics is that they are tough, bloody tough.” She chuckled remembering Bernie shouting, “I’m tough, bloody tough,” at her in the women’s toilets at the hospital when Serena was at her lowest struggling with the grief of her daughter’s death. 

“In what way can I help given my current predicament?” Alex pouted still not convinced this was a good idea or that she could help. 

“May I?” Serena pointed to the bedside locker on the opposite side of the bed. At Alex’s nod of consent, the older woman went to the draw and retrieved the younger woman’s mobile phone handing it to her. “I’m sure someone with your length of service has a few favours to call in. Hopefully, some of them are in Mogadishu as we speak?” 

Alex held her phone in her outstretched hand looking at it deep in thought. She glanced up at the other woman who was stood patiently waiting with her arms crossed over her chest. “You’re serious about this?”

“Never more so.” Serena stated firmly. 

“Bernie said you could be like a dog with a bone when you wanted something,” Alex sighed turning her phone on and scrolling to her contacts. 

“I prefer tenacious.” Serena added innocently with a smirk. 

Glancing from her phone to the silver-haired woman and then back at her phone Alex muttered, “Of course you do.” Finding the contact she wanted she hit the call button. It was answered after a couple of rings, “Marc, hi... I’m doing fine, thanks... I was due back yesterday. Probably be a couple of weeks before I return... I had an RTC on the way to the airport. Yeah, stupid thing to happen given where I’ve served.” She paused listening to her friend teasing her and at his enquiry about her wellbeing she added, “Ah nothing too serious. The surgeon here is taking great care of me,” Alex glanced at Serena smiling at her and receiving a smile in return. 

The brunette decided to get to the point of her call, “When I get back we’ll catch-up over a beer. Marc, I’m calling for your help. Well, not umm, not for me directly but for someone else. I’m calling in the debt you owe the Major. Someone very important to her, with no military background, is going to come out to Mogadishu to look for her. So you’d be helping the major-”

Alex paused scrunching up her eyes and holding the phone away from her ear while the man on the other end shouted at her. He laid out his reasons why that was the most idiotic idea he’d ever heard whether it was for Major Wolfe or not. Alex shouted back in full officer mode, “Regimental sergeant major! Remember who you’re talking to!” Serena was impressed with the young woman’s command persona. Alex took a steadying breath and continued in a calmer tone of voice, “I share your concerns and I agree it’s an idiotic idea. But there is no stopping her-” Alex was interrupted again, “Yes it’s a woman. Marc, she is hell-bent on going to Mogadishu with or without our help. Please can you help her for Bernie’s sake?”

There was silence in the room while Alex listed to the man on the phone. She gave the odd verbal nod here and there letting him know she agreed with what he was saying. “Five days...” At his complaint about how long he’d have to chaperone a woman around Mogadishu Alex reassured, “Five days tops Marc, tops! Yes, you have my word as an officer in her Majesty’s armed forces.” There was another brief moment of silence before Alex finally sighed in relief, “Thank you. Thank you. I’ll text you her details. There’ll be a bottle of Scotch in my kit bag for you. See you soon, Marc!”

Alex hung up with a deep sigh dropping her phone onto the bed beside her. She let her head fall back onto the pillow and covered her face with both hands, “Oh God, my reputation in the regiment will be toast when this gets out!”

Serena took pity on the younger woman, “I’m very grateful for your help.”

Alex lowered her hands and looked at the older woman with a concerned expression, “You have to give me your word you’ll only go for five days. Regimental Sergeant Major Williams can’t spare any more time than that. And you must do everything he tells you?”

Serena nodded agreeing, “I will. Thank you.”

Alex moaned shaking her head, “Don’t make me regret helping you.”

“How does the man of mystery owe you a favour?” Serena’s curiosity was piqued.

“Marc owes me nothing. Owes Bernie everything.” Noting the puzzled look on the other woman’s face Alex elaborated, “eleven years ago, when he was a lance corporal the pair of them were pinned down in a fox hole. Inside of his right leg was open from groin to knee. Cut a long story short, our blonde wonder woman saved his family jewels, leg and life while under enemy fire.” She chuckled.

Serena wondered if there would ever be a time that Bernie Wolfe didn’t impress her with her heroics and surgical expertise. That thought was quickly dismissed with a resounding no! “Ding dong, Major Wolfe!” Serena chuckled.

“When do you leave?” Alex enquired.

“First flight in the morning. I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to.” Serena advised. 

“Right well, text me your mobile phone number, passport number and flight details. I’ll forward them onto Regimental Sergeant Major Marc Williams and I’ll text you his contact details,” Alex requested. “When you reach the airport Marc will be waiting for you. If for any reason he’s not there, you do not leave the airport. Call him. He, or someone he designates, will come and collect you. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.” Serena replied. She fished her phone out of her pocket, opened it and clicked on add new contact. Handing it to Alex for the other woman to enter her contact details. Once Alex had entered her details she handed the phone back to Serena. The older woman advised Alex she would text the details she’d asked for once she was at home and had her passport number and flight details. 

“You’ll need more than luck. But all the best, Serena.” Alex held her hand out and Serena took it. They shook hands and offered each other tight smiles. 

The younger woman’s face showed concern. Serena attempted to reassure her, “I’m going to find her, Alex... She’s alive. I don’t know how I know. I just do.”

Alex nodded. She didn’t believe it was possible for Bernie to be alive after what she had seen. But she understood Serena was clinging to hope and believed Bernie being alive was still a possibility. The older woman needed her own proof before she would give up hope and find closure. Alex realised the only place Serena would find her answers, her closure was in Mogadishu.

Serena swallowed hard offering a determined smile. In a slightly shaky voice, she informed the younger woman, “I’m going to bring our girl home.”

Alex let her smile widen and squeezed Serena’s hand tighter. In a thick husky voice full of emotion the brunette said, “Go get her!” And then Serena was gone and Alex knew one thing for sure. If there was a chance Bernie Wolfe was alive then the one person who stood any chance of finding her was Serena Campbell. Bernie and Serena had an unbreakable bond she was envious of but nevertheless respected. Especially if it meant Bernie was alive. 

***

Serena made her way back to the kitchen table carrying two mugs of hot strong coffee. She sat down opposite Cameron who thanked her for the drink. “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” She chuckled.

“What?” Cameron queried around a mouthful of coffee.

Serena pointed at the mug in his hand, “Your mother likes her coffee hot and strong.”

“Don’t you mean did?” He said putting the mug down and looking pointedly at her.

“What?” Serena genuinely missed the point he was making. 

“Did, as in past tense. Seen as she’s, she’s you know, dead.” Cameron stammered over his words still finding it hard to refer to his mother in the past tense himself.

“Ah, well-” Before Serena could explain Cameron cut her off, but only because he wasn’t paying attention to the fact Serena was about to explain.

“You said you wanted to talk to me?” He asked offering a small smile. Cameron looked tired. His eyes had dark rings under them and there was a redness to them indicating he had been crying a lot. Serena supposed she looked in a similar state. 

Taking a deep breath Serena decided it was best to be direct, “I’m going to Mogadishu in the morning.” 

“Mogadishu! What, why?” Cameron couldn’t understand why Serena would be going to the one place he hoped he’d never have to see. 

“I have to go.” Serena couldn’t explain. It was a crazy endeavour but she had this driving need to do it. She could only hope the young man sat across from her would accept it was just what she needed to do. 

But Cameron needed more information before he could accept anything, “What do you know? What are you keeping from me?”

Serena attempted to calm an increasingly concerned Cameron, “No, no Cameron, I don’t know anything about your mum for certain.”

“Then why are you going?” Cameron was baffled.

“I don’t expect you to understand. I’m not sure I understand myself. But I, I feel that she isn’t gone. And if Bernie is out there somewhere I have to find her.” She sighed dropping her eyes to the coffee cup she held between her hands and turned it around and around distractedly. 

Cameron let out a long slow breath, “I should never have doubted your love for mum.”

Serena reached her right hand out closing it around Cameron’s left hand and smiled at him when he looked up at her, “You were grieving. Let it go Cameron.” She patted his hand and let go. 

“You’re determined to do this?” He enquired looking at Serena over the top of his mug as he took another sip of coffee. 

Serena nodded and lifted her eyes to meet Cameron’s, “I am. You can blame, Jason.” She paused for a moment and hummed in amusement at Cameron’s baffled look, “Jason said if I was missing Bernie would do everything to find me.”

“He’s right, mum would.” Cameron agreed. 

“Yes, she would,” Serena agreed with a fond smile thinking of Bernie. She sighed and waved one hand in the air, “I need to do this for me as well as for Bernie. I have to know for sure either way.” 

They sat for a moment in companionable silence and then decision made Cameron announced, “Well you’re not doing this alone.” 

Serena looked directly at him with a raised eyebrow, “Cameron I don’t-”

He held a hand up stopping her saying anymore, “I’m going with you. I need to do this too.” 

Knowing she was talking to the son of Bernie Wolfe, the most infuriatingly stubborn person she had ever known, Serena decided in her tired and somewhat muddled state to acquiesce. “You’re as infuriatingly stubborn as your mother, do you know that?” 

Cameron smirked, “Apparently the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“Insufferably smug too!” Serena snorted and they shared a laugh which was refreshing considering all the sadness they were going through. 

Serena insisted on buying Cameron’s ticket and managed to get him a seat across the aisle from her. Serena then contacted Ric and advised him she was sending Cameron in and could he make sure he had all his vaccinations for Somalia. Serena told him she would pick him up at 5.30 a.m. in a taxi so they could arrive together at the airport. That all taken care of she asked him to text his passport number to her and explained the soldier helping them would want it. 

Once Cameron left Serena sent a text to Jason and let him know of her plans. She would have preferred to call him, but her nephew was working a late shift today and wouldn’t be home till 10 pm. Serena needed an early night because she had to be up at 4.30 a.m. to get her flight. So calling Jason later wasn’t an option, therefore, a text would have to suffice for now.

Jason, I’m going to look for Bernie. Flying at 9 a.m.  
Going for 5 days. Cameron is going too.  
Love to you all and special cuddles to Guinevere.  
See you when I return.  
Aunty Serena xx 

About thirty minutes later her phone beeped with a reply from Jason.

Aunty Serena. I wish you luck with Operation  
Desert Wolfe. That is what I am calling your trip.  
Greta says luck is not a statistically reliable  
factor and the likely hood of your success is  
very low. We had our second argument when  
I told her I wasn’t interested. Give Aunty Bernie  
a hug from me and two from Guinevere.  
Jason

Serena let out a large bark of laughter. She wasn’t concerned about the young couple falling out. She knew they would make up very quickly because they were so practical and well suited. Serena was touched at Jason’s belief that she would find Bernie. She certainly hoped she would find her ex-lover. But dreaded the fall out with Cameron and Jason if she didn’t find Bernie now she had gotten all their hopes up.

Once Serena received a text from Cameron with his passport number she sent a text to Alex with hers and Cameron’s flight number, passport numbers and contact mobile phone numbers. Alex forwarded the details onto Regimental Sergeant Major (RSM) Marc Williams. The text Serena received from Marc Williams came across as brusque. He introduced himself and advised he would meet them at the airport and if he was not there when they arrived they were to wait inside the airport and not leave until he arrived. He had attached a picture of what he looked like.

Serena thought he looked to be in his mid-forties. His picture was taken in the desert next to a desert camouflaged army Land Rover Defender. With his head level with the top of the door, he was clearly tall. He looked extremely fit with his uniform fitting him snugly and giving definition to his biceps under the short sleeves of his green regimental t-shirt. His eyes bore a steely glare and he sported a close-shaven haircut. The dark shadow where his hair should be bore evidence to him being dark-haired. He was clean-shaven and conveyed a serious expression and demeanour. 

Serena suspected this man meant business and would not suffer fools gladly. But if Bernie liked him he couldn’t be all bad. She sent a text message confirming neither her nor Cameron would venture outside the airport until he arrived. She attached a picture of herself, choosing to send the photograph she used for her hospital ID badge because it conveyed a professional and serious demeanour. She wanted Regimental Sergeant Major Williams to understand she too meant business and was serious in her endeavour to find Major Wolfe. She found a picture on her phone of Cameron with his mum and sent that advising Marc Williams that Cameron was Major Wolfe’s son. Both Alex and Marc had had the good grace not to comment on Cameron’s sudden inclusion.

Serena spent the evening packing a small case and took a bubble bath to try and relax. After her bath, she climbed into bed early intending to try and get any sleep she could before her early morning rise. When she closed her eyes the grinning image of Bernie standing in the doorway of Albie’s came to her. The blonde saluted, tapping two fingers of her left hand to her temple, winked at the same time then turned and walked out the door. Serena mumbled sleepily into the night, “Bernie.”

****

Mogadishu, Somalia, 27th July 2019:

Serena had tried to prepare for the heat of northeast Africa. She knew it would be hot, it was Africa. But the heat which greeted her when she left the comfortable air-conditioned environment of the aircraft was stifling. It was a dry heat and a little above the average for July at 84f (29c). For a middle-aged menopausal woman, she wondered what new cycle of hell she had walked into. And promptly fished out her light blue, or as Jason had pointed out the first time he saw it AAU scrub blue, battery-operated handheld fan. When the cooler air hit her face she sighed in relief and thought, Berenice Wolfe had better be grateful. 

Walking onto the arrivals concourse, with Cameron carrying both of their small cases, Serena glanced at the group of people waiting and searched for Regimental Sergeant Major Marc Williams. Stood at the end of the group and leaning against a structural pillar, in a British army uniform with his arms folded over his chest and a decidedly bored expression on his face, was Marc Williams. Standing next to him was a fair-haired man of a similar age, height and build and wearing the same uniform with his arms also folded over his chest.

With a tight smile Serena held her hand out and introduced herself with all the confidence and authority she could muster, determined to start as she meant to go on, “Regimental Sergeant Major Williams. Serena Campbell. A pleasure to meet you.”

The regimental sergeant major stood up straight stepping forward to shake her hand, “Ms Campbell.” He offered politely. Turning to Cameron he shook his hand, “Cameron. I’m sorry we are meeting for the first time under such difficult circumstances.” The RSM’s roots were obvious by his east London accent. His voice was as dry and gravelly as the landscape outside the airport. Cameron nodded and offered a small smile. Marc turned and introduced his companion, “This is Sergeant Declan McCarthy.” Once introductions were over Marc pointed to the exit, “Right. Follow me. Our transport is outside.” And off he marched with Serena and Cameron following and Sargent McCarthy bringing up the rear.

Outside was a British Army Land Rover Defender painted in desert camouflage. Once everyone was aboard with their bags the vehicle set off at speed. It didn’t have to travel far because the joint forces military hospital and accommodation block was next to the airport. They travelled in silence. Serena noted that the soldiers, including the driver, were vigilant and scanned the street they drove down. It didn’t take long for them to pull up outside the main accommodation building. 

Pointing to the building, well rigid tent actually, Regimental Sergeant Major Williams informed Serena and Cameron, “This is the senior NCOs, senior Non Commissioned Officers, mess. Neither of you will use the officer's mess to the right, that is strictly for officers only. You can use the senior NCO’s mess for the duration of your stay. Cameron, you’ll be in the male accommodation block with us. Ms Campbell, you’ll be in the female accommodation block. As civilian visitors, you’ll both have a single room. But toilet and shower facilities are shared within those blocks. The female block is to the left of the senior NCOs mess and the men’s accommodation is to the right of the officer’s mess. Do not confuse the two!”

Seeing a female soldier exiting the senior NCO’s mess he bellowed at her, “Sergeant Lawrence!” She walked over and saluted Regimental Sergeant Major Williams. He nodded towards Serena, “Please find Ms Campbell a single bunk and show her were the toilets and showers are in the women’s accommodation block. Then bring her to my office.” When Sergeant Lawrence held her arm out indicating the direction Serena should head, the older woman picked up her small case and followed the uniformed younger woman. Cameron followed Sergeant McCarthy to the men’s accommodation block at the same time.

Fifteen minutes later Serena and Cameron were sat with a mug of tea each in the regimental sergeant major’s office. The RSM was regarding them from behind his own mug of tea. His eyes not leaving Serena’s. With a deep sigh, Serena placed her mug on the front of the desk, sat back and folded her hands on her lap waiting for him to speak first. His disapproval at their presence in his camp was rolling off him. “So you believe Major Wolfe is alive?” He finally spoke.

“I believe her disappearance is worth further investigation.” Serena replied calmly. 

Sitting back in his chair Regimental Sergeant Major Williams held back no punches, “Because, what? You don’t believe the opinions of the people who were here, who saw the evidence? Military personnel, who have a wealth of experience working in war zones? You know better do you?”

Serena sighed. “No. Not at all. Because Bernie, Major Wolfe, would do everything to find me or anyone else if they were in the same predicament. You know she would.” 

They locked eyes. The regimental sergeant major was not happy or convinced. “Are you accusing me and the rest of the military here of not looking hard enough?”

Serena tried a different tactic, leaning forward and resting her forearms on her knees she shook her head and offered him a small smile, “Of course not regimental sergeant major. Despite my scientific background and disbelief of anything I can’t prove with quantifiable science, I am nevertheless here because I feel she isn’t gone! I am at a loss to explain to you why I feel that, but I do. I need to look for Bernie. I have a strong feeling she isn’t gone.” 

Frustrated the regimental sergeant major slammed the palm of his hand on the desk and stood to address Serena more than Cameron, “I’m going to put an end to this madness. Once you see the proof you’ll be on the next flight home!” He walked to the door calling over his shoulder, “Follow me!” 

They walked, between Regimental Sergeant Major Williams and Sergeant McCarthy, to the location of the former trauma and surgical unit. Serena remembered the pictures Bernie had sent her when she first arrived. It had once been a large white modular structure known as a Hospitainer. The units were made of shipping containers and could be bolted together quickly, meaning the whole structure could be erected within five days. There were red crosses painted on each end and a large one on the roof. The hospital facility housed minor and major surgical rooms, sterilisations, recovery bays, x-ray and MRI scanner. The Hospitainer provided a full range of services from primary care through to damage control surgery. In the second Hospitainer was an outpatient clinic, laboratory, small physiotherapy unit and four wards.

The scorched earth and charred remains of the Hospitainer housing the trauma and surgical unit were proof of the devastating attack and the velocity of the bomb. The area was cordoned off for investigation by both joint forces military police and the local Mogadishu police. Serena and Cameron stood in stunned silence. There was no way anyone could have survived a bomb of such size. Marc Williams pointed to a buckled and heavily dented filing cabinet, “That filing cabinet was in Major Wolfe’s office.”

Serena’s hand was covering her mouth. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears. The hatred which had caused this level of death and destruction was beyond vile. Cameron stepped forward shaking his head and swallowing the hard lump in his throat. There was nothing but the filing cabinet and the melted remnants of the metal frame of a chair and desk left. The wall panels and roof lay around the site in varying sizes and states of buckled, dented and burnt fragments. The young man held his tears at bay but his hands and legs trembled. 

The regimental sergeant major wanted to make them understand the reality of what they were looking at and accept the cold truth that Major Wolfe was gone, but as annoyed as he was with their presence he was not a cruel man and didn’t want to cause unnecessary hurt. Honesty was the only option he could see out of this, “We ah, we...” He took a deep sigh and with his hands on his hips, he looked down at the ground and informed Serena and Cameron in an as respectful way as was possible, “We only recovered the remains of a dozen people from the trauma and surgical unit. There were seventy people there at the time. The rest were, unrecoverable.”

Cameron’s head snapped up. He turned around and snapped angrily, “You mean incinerated? Don’t coddle us, we’re doctors!” 

Marc Williams held his hands up in defence, “No offence meant. I am just trying to be respectful. She’s still your mum.”

Serena put her arm around Cameron’s shoulders, “Come on now. The regimental sergeant major is only trying to help.” When Cameron huffed she rubbed his upper arm, “He’s on our side,” She glanced at Marc Williams and added, “Besides, your mum likes him so he can’t be all that bad.” 

Marc cleared his throat making no comment, other than to nod back towards the camp suggesting they get back behind the protection of the security fence. The fence around the military hospital had been destroyed along the southern and eastern perimeters as a result of the double bombing and it had yet to be replaced. The damage to the other side of the hospital, the second Hospitainer, was clear as they drove back to camp. The front was black with fire damage and blown-out windows and doors. One whole section missing giving a clear view from the outside of the internal workings of the remaining part of the hospital. 

Once they were back inside the camp the regimental sergeant major walked Serena and Cameron behind the accommodation block and into a large storage unit. On the floor laid out on thick clear plastic sheeting were various items; pieces of uniform, helmets, body armour, boots, civilian clothing belonging to both adults and children, shoes, mobile phones and a few toys etc. Marc Williams moved along the front row and stepped over it picking up the remnants of somebody armour from the row behind. He crossed back to Serena and Cameron and handed the item to Serena. The silver-haired woman took it in shaky hands. Serena stood holding the shredded and battered piece of body armour. Marc pointed to the name stitched onto the inside of the body armour, ‘Maj B. G. Wolfe’. Serena sucked in a sob and couldn’t take her eyes off the item.

“As you can see by the name tag, this was Major Wolfe’s personal body armour and it’s all that remains of it.” Marc advised watching Serena and Cameron’s reactions adding, “It was found in the vicinity of her office, where you saw the filing cabinet.”

“Oh Bernie!” Was all Serena could say on a heavy sob and Cameron walked out with Sergeant McCarthy quickly following the bereaved young man. 

***

After dinner the two soldiers sat with Serena and Cameron. The mood was thick with tension. The grief on Serena and Cameron’s faces showed how deflated they suddenly were, having arrived with hope, Marc Williams felt a pang of guilt but quickly chased that away believing he had done the right thing for their safety and emotional wellbeing. But he felt the need to explain, “I meant no harm. But I felt it vital you understand what you believe cannot be true.”

Serena was nursing a cup of coffee. She looked up at him. “I accept you meant no harm. I won’t deny seeing the bomb site and the remains of Bernie’s body armour hasn’t been a sobering, shocking and distressing sight.” 

Marc sighed rubbing his face in frustration, “But?” He knew there was a ‘but’ coming and he probably wouldn’t like it.

Serena was reeling from seeing the site of the bombing and the remains of Bernie’s body armour. She desperately tried to process the reality of what she had seen which supported the notion that Bernie couldn’t have survived, with the feeling which had only gotten stronger since her arrival in Mogadishu that there was a possibility Bernie was alive, “I still feel she’s alive.” 

Sergeant McCarthy spoke next in a deep Belfast accent, “Don’t you think we’d love to believe that? The major is dear to us all!” 

“Of course I do. You’re right, the odds are stacked against me,” Serena glanced at a very subdued Cameron and offered him a kind knowing smile, “Us.” She pondered her next words, “We’re not losing anything by looking for her. If you are right, when we go home we go knowing we did all we could. That will help us both to move on eventually.”

Marc regarded Serena weighing her up and assessing the woman sat across from him. “Why?”

Serena had expected a question just not that question, “Sorry?” She wasn’t sure what he was asking. 

“Why are you doing this? I can understand Cameron, it’s his mum. But who is the major to you?” Marc elaborated and by the look on his face, Serena got the distinct feeling he had already worked it out. 

“Well when we find her, you can ask her.” Serena hoped her evasive verbal manoeuver would be enough to stop Marc pursuing this line of questioning. 

How wrong she was, “Major Wolfe was my competition for the ladies.” He chuckled at a particular memory and hoped his next statement would enable Serena to confide in him, “Bernie and Alex are engaged.”

“You know.” Serena said on a sigh

“Everyone seems to have known, except my sister and I!” Cameron had said very little since seeing the bomb site and the remains of his mother’s body armour. He was questioning the sanity of Serena and himself being there now. How on earth could his mother have survived? He suddenly felt claustrophobic and angry at the mention of his mother’s engagement to Alex. He stood abruptly wishing everyone a good night and left. He needed space where he could let his emotions out in private and to think.

When Marc pointed at Cameron’s retreating back with a confused expression. Serena tried to explain on Cameron’s behalf, “Unresolved abandonment issues.” 

“So?” Marc asked again. 

It was abundantly clear he really wasn’t going to drop this. For some reason, it mattered to him, “She’s the love of my life.” Serena decided to just be honest. Maybe he would understand why she had to be here if he knew the depth of her feelings for Bernie.

He nodded and smiled, “I thought so.” 

“You did?” Serena enquired with a raised eyebrow. 

He nodded again taking a sip of his coffee and crossing one leg over the other. “Only genuine love would bring a suburban consultant surgeon out of her comfort zone and the safety of Britain to this God-forsaken place!” He chuckled and saluted her with his mug of coffee, “You’ve got balls Ms Campbell I’ll give you that!”

Without missing a beat Serena replied, “Well at least you still have yours thanks to Major Wolfe!” She winked at Marc when he choked on his coffee.

“You know about that?” He looked surprised.

“Oh I know lots of things Regimental Sergeant Major Williams.” Serena chortled at his slightly embarrassed expression.

In the men’s accommodation block Cameron had collapsed onto his camp bed fully clothed and threw an arm over his eyes. He was sad, angry and confused, and groaned into the silence, “What the hell am I doing here?”

***

On their first two days in Mogadishu, Serena and Cameron searched through all the casualty lists and spoke to the British Embassy. Regimental Sergeant Major Williams knew what he needed to do and advised the two civilians he was going to the hanger at the airport which was being used as a temporary mortuary to check every single body bag. Serena had offered to go with him, but he assured her it was something he wanted to do alone, for the major. When she had gone to argue the point he stated firmly, “If she’s in there she’d want you to remember her as she was. Rather than how she is now?” Letting those words sink in he had left leaving Sergeant McCarthy to assist the two civilians. Serena didn’t see him again until the morning of their third day.

On their third day, with no news or fresh evidence to prove Bernie was alive, Serena and Cameron were both becoming frustrated and a little despondent. “I’m sorry I ever thought this was a good idea?” Serena told Cameron over breakfast. Well, the tea and slice of toast they both had in front of them. Neither had had any appetite since Bernie’s missing in action status had been announced.

“Not giving up are you Ms Campbell?” a far too chirpy regimental sergeant major asked. He carried a plate with a full English breakfast in one hand and a big mug of tea in the other and took the seat next to Cameron and opposite Serena.

“I will concede I have been rather naive in my endeavour to find Bernie. How on earth could I have expected to find her in five days? She’d been missing eleven days when we arrived here!” Serena admitted with a frustrated huff and her brows furrowed in frustration.

“Well it’s only the start of day three. Don’t be a defeatist Ms Campbell.” Marc offered a closed mouth smile while he chewed a forkful of sausage and egg. Swallowing he cut into a piece of bacon.

Serena could see a glint in his eyes and an optimism rolled off him she had seen often enough on Bernie. She had thought it was a Bernie ism but looking at the regimental sergeant major perhaps it was an army thing. “You’ve changed your tune!” the silver-haired woman stated. With her elbows resting on the table and both hands cupping her mug she tilted the mug to her mouth taking a sip of tea.

“Can’t a man change his mind?” Marc, asked and speared a piece of tomato with his folk and then the slice of bacon he’d already cut and put them in his mouth chewing happily.

“In my experience that is a rare occurrence. Well, without something momentous occurring first. So what’s changed?” Serena was more than curious at his change of demeanour and took another sip of tea.

After a swig from his mug of tea Marc dipped a piece of toast into the rich yellow yolk of his fried egg and took a big bite. Around a mouthful of egg coated toast, he replied, “Maybe you had a point.” He swallowed, “about doing all you can in order to move on.”

“So if I suggested going to every hospital in the city and Cameron going to all the big clinics or treatment centres, so we can check their inpatient lists, you’d have no objection?” Serena asked with a grin around another sip of tea. 

And so day three saw Serena, Marc, their driver Lance Corporal Gina Montgomery and interpreter Ayaan Farrah visited the Medina, Adden Adde and SemaMed hospitals first. These hospitals had taken the vast majority of casualties from the attack because they were the closest to the joint forces military hospital, but there was no record of Major Berenice Wolfe arriving, been treated or even transferred from any of those hospitals. So they moved onto the next hospital on the list and so it went. While Serena was going from hospital to hospital, Cameron, Declan, their driver Private Sandy McFarlane and interpreter Abdullahi Ismail visited the clinics. He too was having no luck tracking down his mother. 

They all met up in the senior NCOs mess that evening. Tired, dusty, sweaty and demoralised they shared how their day had gone. There was no evidence to prove Bernie was still alive at any of the hospitals or clinics visited so far. They drowned their depressive states in cold glasses of larger for the soldiers and Cameron and a glass of Chianti for Serena. Much to her displeasure, there was no Shiraz, but the Chianti was a good enough substitute and she did enjoy it.

It was decided over dinner to try the remaining hospitals and clinics tomorrow. No one voiced their thoughts, however, they were all feeling the same as day three drew to a close. Each of them felt they were already in possession of the cold truth. It had been there all the time, Bernie was gone. But none of them were prepared to give up on Major Wolfe and accept she was dead. Not until every stone had been turned over.

***

Mogadishu, Somalia, 31st July 2019:

Day four had proved as fruitless as the previous three days. Serena was sat in the back of the Land Rover Defender. They were on their way back to the military base. The silver-haired woman sniffed and wiped away the unshed tears collecting in her eyes as she battled to keep her despair at bay.

Not looking at the woman in the back and keeping a close eye on the people, vehicles and buildings they passed by as quickly as possible, Marc Williams addressed Serena, “You’ve done everything you could.”

As their vehicle drove over a crossroads, Serena noticed a road sign pointing to a hospital in the street they passed over. “Stop! We’ve not been to that hospital!”

Their driver, Lance Corporal Gina Montgomery, looked at the other woman in the rearview mirror, “They won’t be there Ma’am.”

Serena looked at the young woman and with a quirked right eyebrow asked, “Why? It’s a hospital.”

“It’s Banadir Maternity and Children’s Hospital. Unlikely they’re there.” She added as if it was obvious and returned her attention to driving. 

“It might be unlikely. But it’s a HOSPITAL!” Serena shouted startling the young woman, and continued to protest, “Given the size of the attack they’d help if casualties were brought to them! Trust me I’m a doctor I know they would!” 

Lance Corporal Gina Montgomery looked at Regimental Sergeant Major Williams for instruction. The man just raised both hands in the air and shook his head instructing, “You heard the lady.”

The Land Rover took the next right turn at speed and made its way to Banadir Maternity and Children’s Hospital. Within five minutes they came to a stop outside the hospital. Serena, Marc and their interpreter, Ayaan Farrah, got out of the Land Rover and made their way into the hospital. As was protocol, Lance Corporal Montgomery, stayed with the vehicle and kept the engine running for security in case they had to leave quickly. 

Serena entered the building hurrying alongside Marc and their interpreter, Ayaan. The Somali man spoke to the receptionist and explained they were looking for a female British soldier injured in the attack on the international military hospital who may have been brought to the hospital. He concluded by showing her a picture of Major Berenice Wolfe.

The woman studied the picture. What had become a standard response, with the other hospitals at this point, was the receptionist calling the hospital administrator down to speak to Serena and Marc. With the assistance of the interpreter, they would check the hospital inpatient lists. But on this occasion, the receptionist nodded, “Haa way joogtaa.” (“Yes she is here.”) She pointed excitedly to the stairs, “Dabaqa koowaad, qolka 214.” (“First floor, room 24.”)

Ayaan pointed at the picture and asked the young woman firmly, “Lyadu waa joogtaa? Way nooshahay?” (“She is here? She is alive?”).

The woman behind the reception desk pointed at the picture and nodded in the positive while emphatically stating, “Waa halkaan.” (“She is here.”) “Way nooshahay!” (She is alive!”) 

Ayaan Farrah then pointed to the stairs and confirmed, “Dabaqa labaad, qolka 24?” (“Second floor, room 24?”)

The receptionist pointed at the stairs nodding, “Haa, haa!” (“Yes, yes!”)

Serena didn’t need an interpreter to know the news was good, given the positive nods and pointing at the photograph and stairs by both the young woman and Ayaan. When Ayaan turned smiling at her and Marc she covered her mouth to catch the sob threatening to escape. Serena couldn’t afford to hope they had finally found Bernie until she actually laid eyes on the army medic. 

“Major Wolfe is here. She is alive.” Ayaan announced happily.

“Are they sure?” Serena asked still not daring to hope.

Their interpreter was taken aback by the lack of joy at the news. Had this not been what they wanted to know, what they had been going from hospital to hospital looking for. “There will be no confusion madam. Major Wolfe is a white, blonde-haired woman serving in the British military. She will stand out distinctly compared to Somali women.” He spoke respectfully and kindly. Pointing to the stairs he advised, “She is on the first floor in room 24.”

Serena was off like a shot. She raced up the stairs and ran along the first-floor corridor searching desperately for room 24. Marc easily kept pace with her, but Ayaan was an older man and he puffed and panted climbing the stairs. Serena eventually found room 24 at the far end of the corridor. But two nurses had stopped her entering the room and they were shouting at her and Marc. The older of the two nurses was shooing her and Marc away from the room. “Tell them we’re here for Major Wolfe. Tell them I’m a doctor and her friend!” Serena shouted at Ayaan. 

Their Somali interpreter calmed the nurses down and explained why they were there. The older of the two nurses, who Serena suspected was the ward sister, eventually nodded and turned opening the door. She walked into the room and stood back against the wall holding the door open. Sweeping her left hand through the air from the door into the room she indicated Serena and Marc could enter. Ayaan remained in the doorway. 

Stepping into the room Serena saw a male soldier in a British army uniform. She was about to ask Ayaan how on earth the receptionist could confuse Bernie’s picture with a male? Marc placed his hands on Serena’s shoulders and moved her to her right squeezing through the gap between her and the nurse holding the door open. He made his way to the man directly in front of him, “Major Carter!” He began to assess him. “Frank? Frank?”

Serena had been frozen to the spot. When she took a step towards the male officer, intending to assess him, she heard a moan to her right and realised there was a second patient on the other side of the room. Turning her head she let out a large sob and ran forward shouting, “BERNIE!”

Reaching the blonde army medic Serena took in the sight of her best friend and ex-lover. Bernie’s uniform was ripped, torn, battered and blood-soaked. Her injuries had been cleaned through the ripped desert camouflage army fatigues she still wore. The blonde was unconscious and had an oxygen mask on. Needing to confirm for herself that Bernie was definitely alive she placed two fingers against the other woman’s neck taking her carotid pulse. It was sixty beats a minute and given the level of trauma Bernie’s body had sustained and the amount of blood staining her uniform Serena was relieved that it was so stable. The silver-haired vascular surgeon checked Bernie’s respiration rate and was satisfied that it was a steady sixteen respirations per minute.

Making a quick visual assessment Serena noted Bernie was a little paler than usual, due to blood loss. There was a large yellow/brown bruise to her right temple, her right eye was puffy and also covered in a yellow/brown bruise. A laceration ran from the side of her nose in a downward diagonal across her right cheek. Thankfully the clinician who had tended to the laceration had stitched it with care so hopefully, it would not leave a scar. There were two cannulas, one in the back of Bernie’s left hand for fluids and the other inserted into the inside of her left wrist for morphine. Serena couldn’t miss the bandage around the blonde’s right hand. A little blood had soaked through, but the bandage was otherwise clean and secure. Looking down the blonde’s body she could clearly see that Bernie’s desert camouflaged trousers, which were bloodstained and had been badly torn and ripped in the explosion, had had the inner seam cut away to allow full access to her right leg. The leg had two bandages, one on her thigh and the other around her calf, and her whole leg was splinted with the trousers pulled back together and held in place for dignity with three clips.

Turning round she asked Ayaan to thank the nursing staff for taking care of Bernie. Once that had been conveyed she asked him to explain she was a surgeon in the UK and would appreciate talking to the doctor in charge of Bernie and Frank’s care, so she could discuss their injuries, treatment and the repatriation of them home to the UK. The older nurse sent the younger nurse off to get the doctor.

Serena turned back to Bernie and reached out to move a bloodied blonde strand of hair off her face. Her hand trembled as her overwhelming emotions consumed her. She hesitated a moment with her hand paused over Bernie’s face for a second. Tears rolled down her face, happy tears this time. Eventually unable to keep her hand from the blonde’s hair she gently moved the errant strand of hair off Bernie’s forehead and leaned in hoping the injured woman could hear her. In a shaky voice with a trembling bottom lip, Serena stroked Bernie’s left cheek and whispered, “Hi you. It’s me, the Fräulein.” She swallowed the hard lump in her throat, “You’re going to be fine, Bernie. Just fine.” Her voice began to wobble with emotion and it cracked when she said, “I’m taking you home!”


	5. Home Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie arrives home with missing memories. The injury to her hand might be career-ending. Serena Campbell is determined to get Major Wolfe well again.

Banadir Maternity and Children’s Hospital, Mogadishu, Somalia, 31st July 2019:

There was a whimper and murmur from the blonde in response to Serena’s words. The silver-haired woman smiled lovingly at the sedated army medic relieved at any response she could garner at the moment. Then to her delight, the army medic blinked and slowly opened her eyes. Her expression was one of bewilderment. She went to move. Serena put her hand on her shoulder and greeted her with a beaming smile, “Hello you.”

Major Wolfe felt completely disorientated and had no idea where she was. It wasn’t anywhere in Britain going by the barren state of the room, heat and unfamiliar smells and sounds from outside the open window. It wasn’t a field hospital or a BMH (British Military Hospital) and judging by the civilian dress of the woman smiling at her probably not military at all. She swallowed and clicked her tongue to generate some saliva into her dry mouth, “Whe-where.” Bernie paused and swallow again still trying to draw moisture to her very dry mouth and throat. “Am, I?” The blonde finally croaked out. Her eyes searched the room for any clues. 

“You’re safe. You’re in the hospital.” Serena informed in a soft tone squeezing and rubbing Bernie’s shoulder. 

Bernie flinched and initially felt somewhat uncomfortable at the overly familiar way the other woman touched her. She had never been physically demonstrative even with people she considered close friends and family. But the longer the hand remained the more she relaxed. There was a strange familiarity with how her body seemed to respond to the silver-haired woman. Bernie brushed that off as ridiculous, how could the woman be familiar when they had never met before. Bernie leaned to her right and tried to focus through her left eye, with her right eyelid still bruised and puffy. “Why are you out of uniform?”

Serena chuckled and gently patted the blonde’s shoulder believing she was teasing her, “You would love that, wouldn’t you! Get me in uniform so you could boss me about.”

“Pardon?” Bernie really didn’t know what this woman getting at and her facial expression was one of bewilderment.

Serena shook her head and chuckled softly, “Oh Bernie, you really are a sight for sore eyes.”

“Excuse me?” Major Wolfe’s mind was muddled due to the sedation but she was certain this woman was a complete stranger to her. She fought to keep her eyes open and asked with a slightly slurred voice, “Have we been introduced?” Serena laughed genuinely believing Bernie was teasing her and that annoyed the blonde army medic. Bernie spoke in the most authoritative tone she could muster given her current state, “I wasn’t aware we’re on first name terms?” 

The look on Bernie’s face was serious. There was no love or even warmth in her expression. The realisation hit Serena like a ton of bricks. Bernie, her brave and wonderful Bernie, didn’t recognise her. She didn’t know who Serena was or what they meant to each other. The silver-haired woman’s smile dropped and she removed her hand from Bernie’s shoulder taking a step back.

Bernie was becoming frustrated, “Answer my question!” The tone had the whip of command behind it. 

“I’m not in the military.” Serena’s reply was flat and she looked down at her feet not able to look at the other woman for fear that her emotions might crumble.

Bernie snorted, “Obviously. You are?”

Serena took an inward sigh. This wasn’t Bernie’s fault. Her best friend would need all the support and help she could get from Serena over the coming weeks and months. Standing up straight the silver-haired woman plastered a polite smile on her face, even though her heart was aching, and held her left hand out to shake Bernie’s and introduce herself. “Serena Campbell.”

When their hands clasped together in the handshake an electric jolt shot through both of them. Their eyes were locked on one other. The electricity between them was not lost on either woman. Serena held her breath noting a flash of something across the other woman’s face but as soon as it was there it was gone again. Serena noted Bernie’s grip wasn’t anywhere as strong as it normally was. But the woman had been blown up only two weeks ago, was badly injured and moderately sedated.

A far as Bernie was currently concerned this was the first time the two of them were meeting. She shook the other woman’s hand and offered a small smile which reached her eyes, even the right bruised and puffy one, “Major Berenice Wolfe.”

Serena swallowed the tight lump in her throat. She hoped Bernie’s missing memories would return as soon as possible. But it was far too early to know if the army medic would ever regain her memories of their strong bond of friendship and the romantic relationship they had once shared. And tests and scans would be needed to assist in that particular prognosis, but for now, Serena would do whatever it took to help the woman she would always love. And if Bernie never regained the memories of her relationship with Serena them the silver-haired woman was confident the blonde would be drawn back to her again. Just as she had been three years ago on her first day at Holby City hospital when they met over Serena’s broken down car in the staff car park.

They kept their hands joined together longer than was necessary until Bernie broke the spell they both seemed under by coughing hard and winching. Drawing her hand away to wrap her left arm around her waist to hold herself while she coughed. Once the cough had more or less finished Bernie enquired in a tired and strained voice, “Nurse? Doctor? Hospital visitor or embassy staff?” Bernie was trying to establish exactly who this woman was.

In a friendly tone with a warm smile Serena declared proudly, “Vascular surgeon.” 

Bernie’s eyes began to get heavy. She was quickly losing her battle over the sedation, but as she drifted off managed to mumble out, “Does my husband know where I am?” 

Serena watched her drifting back into sleep and rolled her eyes when Bernie asked about her husband. It was going to be a long slog for Bernie physically and psychologically to recover from her injuries. But Serena vowed to be right beside her and support her in any way Bernie needed or wanted. 

Marc Williams, the regimental sergeant major, stepped up to his interpreter, Ayaan Farrah who was stood in the doorway, “Inform Lance Corporal Montgomery we’ve found both Major Wolfe and Major Carter and she is to call for the field ambulance and an escort ASAP. Tell her to inform Sergeant McCarthy that Major Wolfe has been found and he’s to return to camp.”

After her initial shock and delight at finding Bernie alive Serena got on with her assessment of her ex-lover. Rummaging in her handbag she pulled out her pen torch and opened Bernie’s eyelids to check her pupils, she was relieved neither pupil was blown with both reacting normally and dilating when she shone the light back and forth across each eye. There was no sign of bleeding or cerebrospinal fluid coming from the blonde’s nose or ears. But the healing large yellow/brown bruise on Bernie’s right temple proved she had sustained a head injury. With no swelling, there was no outward sign of any raised intracranial pressure. However, a CT scan would be needed to make a definite diagnosis. Serena turned and looked over her shoulder at Marc Williams, “Cameron needs to be told.”

“Already taken care of.” Marc advised Serena. 

Serena turned back to face Bernie and muttered, “Good, good. He’ll be relieved to see her.”

“He will see her when it’s safe to. Sergeant McCarthy is taking him back to camp.” The regimental sergeant major stated. He watched Serena gently stroking Major Wolfe’s left cheek.

The silver-haired woman looked over her shoulder at the door, and in a frustrated tone huffed, “Where on earth is the doctor in charge of their care?”

Marc sighed and stepped forward, “I need to move the major’s as quickly as possible with or without you speaking to the doctor who’s been looking after them. Once the field ambulance and escort arrive we are moving them.”

Serena spun round to face the regimental sergeant major, “No! We need to know the extent of their injuries. Moving either one of them could exacerbate their condition or be fatal.”

Marc looked over his shoulder and moved up behind Serena dropping his voice to a husky whisper so only she could hear him, “It’s not safe for any of us to be here. We are putting this hospital at risk. Intelligence chatter suggests another terrorist attack on the city is imminent. Al-Shabaab has a ruthless reputation for delivering punishments to those they believe to have broken Sharia law. They will target this hospital if they find out two British soldiers are patients here. They’ll view hospital staff as collaborators and harbouring western soldiers.”

Serena sighed and rubbed her hand down her face, “Fine.” The silver-haired vascular surgeon had to bow to the regimental sergeant major’s knowledge and experience. She was well out of her comfort zone and he knew what he was talking about. Not to mention she had given her word to him that she would do what he said. 

It was at that moment the doctor who had been looking after the two British soldiers arrived and thankfully just behind him Ayaan Farrah their interpreter. It took thirty minutes for Serena to make notes in English about the extent of the injuries and treatment both Major Wolfe and Major Carter had received. Serena asked, via the interpreter, why no one had informed the British military about the two British officers being there. Serena was frustrated in the delay of trauma care and the misery the two patient’s family and friends had gone through thinking they were dead. 

The doctor insisted emphatically they had informed local police of the two soldiers being in the hospital and the police said they would inform the British army at the camp. The RSM explained to Serena how local regulations tended to slow everything down in Mogadishu, which wasn’t helped by a lack of regulations either, and given the extent of the explosion and the imminent threat of another attack the police had been extremely busy and overstretched. So passing the information on had been an unfortunate oversight not uncommon in this part of the world. 

Now in full understanding of the risk the hospital staff had taken by looking after the two British soldiers. Serena asked Ayaan to thank the doctor and nurses again for the care they had given them. When the army medics and escort arrived to retrieve the two patient’s Serena was relieved, even if she didn’t admit it to anyone other than herself. The regimental sergeant major had worried her, not that she wasn’t acutely aware she was in one of the most dangerous cities in the world, but naively she had assumed being inside a hospital they would be safe. How wrong she was. Now she couldn’t get herself, Bernie and Major Carter out of there quick enough. 

The regimental sergeant major secured Serena and Cameron a seat on a MOD troop flight which would take them from Mogadishu to RAF (Royal Air Force) Akrotiri, Cyprus that night. The airbase is the largest RAF base outside the UK and it formed part of British Forces Cyprus, the name given to the 3,500 British Army, Royal Navy, Royal Marines and Royal Air Force service personnel posted to Cyprus and stationed at the large UK Sovereign Base Area of Akrotiri and Dhekelia.

Major’s Wolfe and Carter were quickly transferred to the hospital used by British Forces Cyprus, Ygia Polyclinic in Limassol. Both were assessed with physical examinations, blood tests, x-rays and CT head scans. It was soon agreed by the hospital staff and RAMC doctors that Major Carter would require urgent treatment, which included a craniotomy operation to his head, abdominal and right leg surgeries before he could be repatriated back to the UK. Regimental sergeant major Williams said he would arrange for Major Carter’s wife to be flown out ASAP.

Major Wolfe’s injuries were serious, however, her diagnosis and prognosis were far more positive than Major Carter’s had been. With the CT scan result showing no sign of intracranial pressure or a subdural haematoma everyone was in agreement that Major Wolfe was stable and could be flown home to the Royal Centre for Defence Medicine based at Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Birmingham.

Serena stepped in at that point making a case for Major Wolfe to be taken to Holby City hospital. The silver-haired surgeon explained the major had previously received lifesaving care at Holby, and given the injuries to her hand and leg she would require vascular surgery, and as she was one of the best vascular surgeons in the country the major would be well taken care of at her hospital.

After some discussion, between the senior RAMC doctor currently in charge of both officers medical care while on Cyprus, the hospital doctor and Serena, it was finally agreed that Major Wolfe would be transferred to Holby City hospital. But any rehabilitation would take place at Stanford Hall Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre outside Loughborough, Leicestershire. Arrangements were made for her to be flown home from RAF Akrotiri, Cyprus to RAF Brize Norton, Oxfordshire on the 3rd of August.

Regimental Sergeant Major Williams explained as civilians neither Serena nor Cameron would be able to travel home with Major Wolfe on the MOD troop flight. Serena had managed to arrange seats on a British Airways flight for herself and Cameron leaving Limassol the following morning the 2nd August. RSM Marc Williams wanted to drive them himself but he was required to return to Mogadishu on a MOD troop flight at the same time. Serena assured him they could manage in a taxi as it was only sixteen miles from Akrotiri to Limassol. They said their goodbyes and wished each other well.

***

Holby City Hospital, Holby, Wyvern, England 2rd August 2019:

After a little under five hours their flight arrived back at Holby International Airport. Serena collected her car and dropped Cameron off at his shared and then made her way to the hospital to bring the CEO Henrik Hanssen up to speed on the events of the past week and what was to come. Once that was taken care of she made her way to AAU to make arrangements for Bernie’s arrival the following day.

Xavier ‘Zav’ Duval, AAU’s surgical registrar, looked up when his clinical lead walked onto the ward. He had been leaning over the computer at the nurse's station and stood up pushing his hands into his pockets and offered her a small smile, “Ms Campbell, it’s good to see you. But I thought you were taking some time to grieve? It’s only been a week.” Zav enquired tentatively trying to judge his bosses mood. 

Serena regarded him with a warm smile and leaned forward patting his forearm. “I’m back. No need to grieve. Bernie’s alive and coming home tomorrow.”

AAU’s Senior Nurse Donna Jackson had just walked up to the nurse’s station and caught the tail end of what Serena had told Zav. She put the patient files she was carrying down on the shelf above the desk of the nurse’s station and turned to Serena with a hopeful expression, “What? How, how do you know?”

Serena turned with a beaming smile, “Because I went to Mogadishu and found her.”

“You what!” Zav couldn’t believe his ears and was standing in front of Serena with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

Donna squealed and embraced Serena in a tight hug. “That’s fantastic! Everyone will be so happy.”

Noticing Zav’s expression Serena advised, “Mr Duval, Ms Wolfe isn’t the only one brave enough to enter a war zone.”

“That’s true love for you.” Donna offered with a big smile and stepped out of her hug with Serena.

The silver-haired surgeon blushed and tried to brush off the comment. She had done this out of love, but she knew Bernie was engaged to Alex now. “Well, I will always love her. I had to do something.” Serena trailed off and her smile dropped a little.

“How is Bernie? Where is she?” Donna asked.

Looking up at her senior nurse Serena’s reply was in a happier tone, “In the Ygia Polyclinic in Limassol, Cyprus. Under sedation in the care of the Royal Army Medical Corps. She has a head, right hand, arm and leg injuries and will be on a military flight home tomorrow.” 

Zav and Donna smiled and expressed how pleased they were Bernie was alive and would be home tomorrow. “Which brings me to why I’m here.” Serena stated and pointed to the side room nearest to the nurse’s station, “Bernie will be arriving here tomorrow afternoon and she’ll need that side room. Is it vacant?”

The raised eyebrow and pointed look from his clinical lead indicated the answer she wanted to hear and not the one he was about to give. He sighed and glanced at the side room knowing it was currently occupied. Glancing back at his boss he grinned, “It will be available by lunchtime tomorrow. If Mr Potts isn’t ready for discharge I’ll move him to one of the bays.”

“Good. That’s what I like, efficiency.” Then with a smile, she informed them she would be back by 8 a.m. and bid them a good afternoon and left. 

***

Serena knew there was one more task to take care of before she could go home and have a glass of Shiraz, something to eat, take a bath and get some sleep. She had to speak to Alex. They agreed to meet in Albie’s in thirty minutes.

The door opened and a flushed and breathless Alex rushed in scanning the room for the woman she was due to meet. Spotting Serena sat at a small table in the corner she rushed over, “Serena! You said you needed to speak to me.” The brunette huffed and leaned on the back of the chair opposite Serena.

The silver-haired woman was taking a sip of her wine when Alex had rushed up to her. With a raised eyebrow she swallowed her wine chuckling and indicated to the younger woman to take the empty seat opposite her by nodding at it, “Sit down.” Then with her free hand, she lifted the bottle of Shiraz and began to pour some into the spare glass already waiting. “Have some wine.”

Sitting down and dropping her bag onto the floor Alex sighed, “Serena-”

The silver-haired surgeon was taking another sip of wine. She smiled waving her free hand in the air in an attempt to calm the other woman and decided to just tell her, why wait. “I found her. Bernie’s alive.” Bernie’s preferred laconic responses seemed to have worn off on her.

Alex was literally speechless. Her open mouth closed and a broad smile spread across it, “What- Tha-that’s absolutely amazing news!” She choked on a sob and buried her face into hands. Slowly she pushed her hands up over her head and through her hair. Regarding Serena with a huge smile, she laughed, “How? Where was she? Why didn’t we know she was alive? Where is she now? How badly hurt is she?” Alex was firing questions off in rapid succession.

Serena held her hand up to silence the younger woman, “Breathe.” She told her and waited for Alex to calm a little before she continued, “We searched every hospital and medical clinic in Mogadishu. On the 31st July we eventually found her, and Major Carter, in the Banadir Maternity and Children’s Hospital. A local couple had taken them there. The hospital informed local police but due to the ongoing chaos, and threats of another attack, the message wasn’t passed onto the British army.”

Alex ran one hand through her hair and shook her head. The guilt of not doing more to find Bernie, now she knew her fiancée had been laid injured close to the military hospital all along, weighed heavily on her. “How badly injured is she? Where is she?” Her voice sounded desperate and her eyes searched Serena’s for any hint there was more to worry about than the silver-haired woman was telling her.

“Currently in the Ygia Polyclinic in Limassol, under the care of your comrades in the RAMC. She’s sedated. Has a head injury and probable post-concussion syndrome. Fractures to her right hand and arm with a deep laceration to the palm. Fractures to right femur and tibia with shrapnel embedded in the right leg.” Serena advised the younger woman.

Alex fought back tears and took a steadying breath, “Serena, her flexor tendons!” 

The older woman held her hand up trying to calm the other woman’s concern. “I know. I won’t lie. The laceration is deep so the tendon has to be damaged to a greater or lesser degree.”

Alex let out a sob, “She’s a surgeon-”

Serena nodded, “I will do all I can to make sure she remains a surgeon.” After a moment and satisfied it was ok to continue the vascular surgeon gave Alex happier news, “She’ll be on a military flight home tomorrow. Arrives at RAF Brize Norton at 1 pm and should be at the hospital by 2.15 p.m.”

Alex looked up and offered Serena a small smile. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Tears of joy that Bernie was alive and coming home, but tinged with sadness for the injuries her fiancée had suffered. Injuries which could be career-ending. She shook her head and dropped her eyes to her glass of wine. “I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did.”

“I did it for Bernie.” Serena replied a little sharper than she had intended.

Alex nodded, “Of course and I am sure she will be extremely grateful.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes enjoying their wine. Serena was the first to break the silence, “When do you have to return to Mogadishu?”

Alex looked up startled by the question, “Umm, it was supposed to be next week. I’ll call my CO and request an extension for family reasons. It’s not every day my fiancée returns from the dead.”

Focusing on her glass of wine and turning it between the fingers of her right hand, Serena agreed in a quiet voice, “No I don’t suppose it is.” Then as a thought occurred to her she looked up at Alex and enquired, “Where are you staying?”

“With a friend.” The younger woman nodded a couple of times and returned a smile, “We used to serve together until he retired a year ago. He’s letting me crash at his flat until I ship out again.” She nodded smiling.

Serena finished her drink and smiled at Alex, “It’s good to have friends you can depend on in a crisis.”

Alex reached across the table and squeeze Serena’s hand, “Thank God Bernie has your friendship.”

Serena swallowed the lump in her throat. She so wanted to be more than Bernie’s friend, but she had screwed everything up and would be grateful for whatever she could get from Bernie. With the army medic being engaged to Alex she could only hope for friendship and that would have to be enough. “I should get home. I’m back in at eight and it’s going to be a long day.”

Alex nodded. “I’ll be at the hospital for her arriving.” Noticing the raised eyebrow from Serena the brunette added, “I promise I won’t get in the way.”

With a tired sigh Serena stood up pulling her coat on and retrieved her handbag. Turning to Alex she offered a friendly smile and pulled the strap of her handbag over her right shoulder, “See that you don’t Captain Dawson. Tomorrow is about Bernie. You will see her, but let us do our job.” When Alex nodded her assent Serena patted her shoulder as she passed her, “See you tomorrow.” Serena left Albie’s feeling tired but happy. She should be able to sleep tonight for the first time in two weeks.

***

Wyvern Wing, Holby City Hospital, Holby, Wyvern, England 3rd August 2019:

Mogadishu seemed a lifetime ago now. But in reality, it was only three days since Serena had left. She now found herself pacing up and down the ambulance ramp outside Wyvern Wing. It was a pleasant sunny day with a light breeze, but in the shade of the Wyvern Wing, it felt a little chilly. Serena shivered and folded her arms around herself to ward off the cold. It was 2 p.m. and although Bernie wasn’t due till 2.15 p.m. the silver-haired surgeon couldn’t wait on AAU any longer.

She had a nervous energy longing to see Bernie again and hoping to get her well as quickly as possible. At 2.10 p.m. she was joined by Henrik Hanssen and Xavier Duval. Serena took a deep breath, “Right gentlemen, in five minutes Major Berenice Wolfe will be returned to us in an army ambulance under sedation. She has multiple lacerations and contusions. A head injury, right hand and arm fractures with probable right flexor tendons damage. Right femur and tibia fractures requiring debridement of shrapnel. RAMC medics called from the ambulance 10 minutes ago with current obs; pulse 84, BP 138/76, respirations 18 and 02 stats 98.”

Both men nodded but before any further discussion could take place all three surgeons looked up as the green army ambulance, with a red cross on both sides and the roof, came into the hospital and turned up the ambulance ramp of the Wyvern Wing coming to a halt.

The back doors flew open and the RAMC medics climbed out retrieving a trolley cot carrying a sedated Bernie Wolfe from the back of the vehicle. Bernie was held securely in the trolley cot, with an oxygen mask covering her face and the small oxygen bottle laid down her right side. Two IV lines in her left hand and wrist were attached to saline fluid and morphine packs now resting on her lower abdomen. Her left index finger was attached to a pulse oximeter attached to the side of the trolley cot. Bernie’s right hand was heavily bandaged and laid across her upper abdomen and her right leg was encased in a frac-pack.

Tell-tale leads from the ECG/Defibrillator led to the machine also attached to the side of the trolley cot and sat next to the pulse oximeter. The right side of her temple was covered by a large yellow/brown bruise. The colour a clear sign the bruise was definitely improving. Her right eye was still a little puffy and also covered by a yellow/brown bruise. The laceration to her cheek was healing nicely. The stitches could be removed now.

The army medics wheeled Major Wolfe on to AAU and into the side room across from the nurse’s station. They carefully moved her onto the bed and Donna brought a drip stand up on Bernie’s left side hanging the saline and morphine packs on it and then attached her to the oxygen supply unit in the room. As Bernie was taken off the military ECG/Defibrillator and pulse oximeter Zav attached Bernie to the AAU pulse oximeter while Serena attached her to their cardiac monitor.

As the army medics packed up their equipment they glanced at the badly injured major. Serena noticed and reassured them, “She’s one of ours too. I promise you we will take great care of Major Wolfe and get her well.” The three RAMC medics nodded, smiled and shook the proffered hand the silver-haired surgeon held out. Satisfied their comrade was very much in safe hands they left her in the care of AAU’s clinical lead, Serena Campbell.

“The phrase ‘she’s been in the wars’ seems pretty lame considering.” Donna said pointing at the sedated major laid before her. With a shake of her head, she continued, “Boy she is proper battered and bruised!”

Serena turned back to her team and looking down at a badly injured Bernie the vascular surgeon replied, “Yes, well a large bomb in close proximity to the human body does tend to leave its mark.”

Stepping up to Bernie’s left side Serena reached out and gently stroked the blonde’s left temple with two fingers. She held the major’s patient notes in her left hand against her chest and smiled down at Bernie, “It’s a miracle she survived.” Serena’s voice was soft and the woman was lost in her joy that Berenice Grizelda Wolfe was very much alive and home.

“Quite.” Henrik Hanssen agreed and addressing AAU’s registrar and senior nurse instructed them, “Mr Duval, let’s get a new head CT scan. Right hand, arm and leg x-rays on Major Wolfe-” 

Serena stood staring at Bernie. Almost afraid to look away for fear that when she turned back Bernie would have disappeared. The silver-haired woman added almost absentmindedly, “MRI on her right hand and arm to please.”

Henrik continued with his instructions, “Nurse Jackson FBC’s, U and E’s and LFT’s for now.” When they set about carrying out their tasks Henrik held his hand out to Serena, “May I?”

“Sorry, what?” Serena was naturally distracted. When she looked up at her friend and colleague he nodded at the patient file in Serena’s hand. When she realised what he was referring to she handed Bernie’s file over and returned her attention back to the blonde.

Walking over to the lightbox on the wall opposite the bed Henrik pushed the x-rays taken in Limassol onto it and began to study them. “Now, let’s see what we are dealing with shall we.” Serena joined him. He moved his right index finger over the x-ray of her right hand first. “Umm, extensive damage to her right hand. Fractures to thumb, index and middle metacarpals and phalanges, and carpals.” He glanced at the patient notes, “Deep laceration to her palm may well have compromised the flexor tendons.”

“That’s my concern too. We’ll know what we are dealing with when we get the MRI results back.” Serena offered while the fingers of her right hand nervously played with the pendant around her neck.

Henrik moved onto the two right leg x-rays, “Right femur fracture with shrapnel embedded in left quadriceps and right tibia fracture with shrapnel embedded in left lateral gastrocnemius.” He pointed first to the x-ray of Bernie’s thigh and then to the x-ray of her lower leg and calf. He lifted his head and looked through the bottom of his glasses studying the x-rays one more time before turning to Serena, “You take the hand. I’ll take the leg.”

Serena’s eyes were fixed on the x-ray of Bernie’s hand, “Agreed.”

Henrik turned to the CT scan report in Bernie’s patient report, “It appears the doctor in Mogadishu acted effectively in stabilising Major Wolfe’s condition by sedating her and administering as much treatment as was available to him.”

“Her doctor in Mogadishu said Bernie regained consciousness soon after admission, but she became quite agitated so he took the precaution to give her moderate sedation. He was concerned about her having a seizure. He monitored her for any signs of a haematoma. There was no CT scanner in the hospital. She had a CT scan in Limassol which showed no sign of intracranial pressure or subdural haematoma.” Serena explained.

Henrik pointed to the CT scan result, “We will give Major Wolfe a day to recover from her journey. If all is as it should be we will operate tomorrow at 10 a.m.”

Serena turned to look at Bernie and in a quiet voice replied, “Agreed.”

Henrik took the x-rays down and placed them back inside Bernie’s folder and dropped it into the holder at the foot of the blonde’s bed. He stood regarding his former colleague for a moment, patted the foot rail at the bottom of her bed and turned to face the door. Looking over at Serena he gave her a single firm nod indicating he was leaving their patient in Serena’s very caring and capable hands.

Donna pulled her purple latex gloves off and dropped them into the clinical waste bin. Picking up the tray with the vials of blood just taken from Bernie the senior nurse took them out of the room to be sent to the pathology laboratory to be tested.

Serena walked up the left side of the bed and folded her arms across her chest. She shook her head, “You know, you’re going to have to stop arriving here in the back of army ambulances. Otherwise, people will think you’re just attention-seeking.” The blonde mumbled something unrecognisable trying to open her eyes fighting against her sedation. Serena chuckled, “Yes they will!”

Donna had come back into the room and hearing Serena chastising Bernie made her giggle, “You two were always the cutest couple in the hospital.”

Serena turned around smiling at her senior nurse and chuckled, “Hardly cute! Two middle-aged menopausal women and consultant surgeons to boot!”

Donna walked up beside Serena and rubbed the older woman’s upper left arm. She grinned and told her, “Trust me, you and Ms Wolfe were the cutest couple.” Serena offered the nurse a small smile. Donna pointed at Bernie, “I should get her out of that torn uniform and cleaned up before her scans and x-rays.”

Donna moved to the sink in the corner to get a basin, cloths and soap. Serena held her hand out to stop her, “Ah I think I should take care of that.”

The senior nurse looked at her boss with a raised eyebrow, “You’re a consultant surgeon. Since when did you start doing bed baths?”

“She’s my ex. I’ve seen all she’s got.” Serena felt that was enough of a reason.

Donna smirked, “I’m a woman and a nurse. She hasn’t got anything I don’t have or haven’t seen before.”

Serena sighed, “The patient is a former consultant surgeon on this ward. I think I should take it from here. Call it professional courtesy.” Serena advised with a raised eyebrow.

Donna smirked again and pointed to Bernie with the sponge she had just retrieved from the sink area, “So you’re gonna strip, turn and wash her all by yourself?” Serena glanced back at Bernie, “She’s a big tough army medic. I’m sure she’s used to baring all in the showers, so I doubt me seeing her in her birthday suit is going to bother her.”

Serena agreed, “You’re right.” The silver-haired surgeon went to the door closing and locking it. She turned the blind down giving Bernie complete dignity while they cleaned her up.

Donna pushed the table tray up to the foot of the bed placing two single-use disposable bowels with hot water, a large pump container of skin-cleansing emollient cream and a pack of disposable wash clothes on it. Both women pulled on purple latex gloves. “Top or bottom?” Donna asked walking to Bernie’s left side.

“Oh I think I should take the bottom.” She smirked moving to Bernie’s left and twisted the button on the blonde’s combat trousers undoing it and pulled the zip down. Donna was cutting up the centre of the olive green RAMC t-shirt. When she felt her clothes being removed the blonde fidgeted and tried to fight through the sedation. She mumbled incoherently in her muddled state. Both women paused what they were doing waiting for Bernie to settle again. A few minutes later the silver-haired vascular surgeon chuckled and Donna looked up at her. Realising her colleague was regarding her with a confused look Serena explained, “She would probably like this!”

Donna’s eyes went wide, “TMI, Ms Campbell!” The comment had amused her though and she was probably the last people to be embarrassed, “Whatever floats Ms Wolfe’s boat!” she snorted.

“That’s Major Wolfe.” Serena corrected with a grin.

Donna gave a broad smile accompanied by a mock salute, “Sorry ma’am. Yes ma’am.”

They chuckled and then got back to stripping Bernie of her clothing. Once the blonde army medic was naked the numerous lacerations and bruises covering most of her body were unmissable. Bernie looked battered, unsurprising considering she had survived a bomb blast. But the sight rocked Serena to the core. The silver-haired woman choked back a sob seeing the extent of the injuries Bernie had sustained. She had come very close to losing her, actually thought she had lost her for nearly two weeks.

Donna paused washing Bernie’s right shoulder and breast. She offered her clinical lead a sympathetic smile, “Hey she’s alive. It looks bad but she’s in the best possible hands, yours. You and Mr Hanssen will get her back on her feet in no time.”

Serena sniffed and nodded once then set about cleaning Bernie’s waist, all around her pelvic area, between her legs, down her left leg and the exposed areas of her right leg of any remaining blood. When Serena washed Bernie’s pelvic area the blonde tried to move and murmured. But when the vascular surgeon began cleaning her right leg the blonde moved much more and groaned in her addled state.

“Sorry, I’ll try to be gentler. But you need cleaning up major. You won’t pass inspection in this state.” Serena told the sedated army medic and smiled fondly when Bernie settled again.

With her front clean they rolled the injured army medic onto her left side and Donna held her in position while Serena washed from her neck to her feet. Once Serena finished they rolled the blonde gently onto her back and together put a hospital gown on her. Donna got rid of the two disposable bowls and returned with a new disposable bowel with hot water and took out a fresh cloth from the pack on the table. She moved up to Bernie’s head on her left side.

Serena was stood on Bernie’s right side and held her hand out for the cloth, “I’ll take care of her face and hair.”

Donna smiled and handed her boss the cloth. Pointing to the bandages on Bernie’s hand and leg she said, “I’ll change those?”

Serena shook her head, “No need. They were cleaned and redressed in Limassol this morning.”

Donna set about cleaning the clothing and cloths away and left Serena alone with Bernie. The silver-haired woman put the wet cloth on the bruised and cut face of the woman she loved dearly and tenderly began to clean the blood away. Her eyes welled up at the bruising to Bernie’s temple, the lacerated cheek, split bottom lip and graze to her left cheek.

“Being blow up once was unfortunate my love. But being blown up twice is reckless!” Serena teased using the term of endearment without even realising it. Bernie opened her eyes briefly and Serena smiled at her. There was a brief whimper before the blonde closed her eyes again.

***

Forty-five minutes later Alex arrived at Serena’s office door. The silver-haired woman looked up and nodding at the sofa across from her desk indicated the younger woman to come in and sit down. “Sit down before you fall down,” Serena noted how flushed and breathless Alex was. She had obviously been running. Serena leaned back in her chair clasping her hands together resting them on her abdomen, “I must say I expected you here earlier?”

Alex leaned back on the sofa and let out a breath, “I wanted to be here earlier. I decided I would give you some space to work first and then the taxi got stuck behind a lorry stuck under a railway bridge. I decamped and ran the rest of the way.”

Serena raised an eyebrow, “That wasn’t very wise. You’re still recovering from major surgery.” Alex nodded and glanced to the door. Serena chuckled, “Yes she’s here and not going anywhere. She was out of it when she arrived, sedated. So blissfully unaware that you’re late.”

“Can I- can I see her?” Alex asked tentatively.

Serena offered an apologetic smile, “She’s having x-rays, CT and MRI scans. If nothing’s changed from the previous scan Henrik and I will operate tomorrow morning.”

Alex tried to relax back into the sofa and let out a deep sigh muttering, “Good. Fingers crossed!”

“Well I for one don’t expect there to be any change. Our Berenice has a tough skull, no sign of even a hairline fracture!” Serena tried to lighten the mood a little.

Alex nodded and chortled, “Yeah, that probably explains why she can be so pig-headed.”

Serena became serious. Alex needed to know about Bernie’s lost memories, “There is something you need to be aware of.”

The smile on Alex’s face dropped, “What is it?”

Serena sighed, “Bernie seems to have lost her memories.”

“Amnesia?” Alex queried.

Serena shook her head, “Not sure of the extent. But she certainly didn’t know who I was and wanted to know if her husband had been informed. So be prepared in case she doesn’t know you either.”

A thought occurred to Alex, “Did she recognise Cameron?”

“She was out for the count when he saw her in Limassol.” Serena advised.

“What a mess.” Alex mumbled running a hand over her face.

Serena tried to reassure the younger woman, “Its most probably post-traumatic concussion syndrome. At least that’s what I hope. We’ll run some tests and take it from there.”

Thirty minutes later Bernie’s bed was wheeled past the AAU consultant’s office, on her way back to her room having had her CT scan. Serena nodded towards the passing blonde and suggested Alex and herself go and see how Bernie was. The two women entered the room and waited by the door while Donna and Zav settled Bernie back into her room and made sure she was connected to all her monitors. Her respiration and oxygen saturation was good enough that the blonde no longer needed to wear the oxygen mask. Bernie was more with it because Henrik and Serena had agreed her sedation could be brought down to minimal just to help with her pain relief.

Forgetting what Serena had told her only half an hour ago Alex rushed to her fiancée side and grabbed her left hand. The brunette was too overwhelmed at seeing the woman she loved alive and in front of her to control her joy. “Bernie!”

The army major looked up at the smiling young woman with a bewildered look on her face. She glanced at the hand holding and squeezing her own and croaked out, “Lieutenant Dawson. Good to see you. But it’s Major Wolfe or major. I’m still your commanding officer.”

Alex dropped Bernie’s hand and took a step back. Her throat went dry and she forced back the tears threatening to fill her eyes. Clearing her throat she stood straighter, “Of course. Sorry, ma’am.”

Serena came around beside her and patted her shoulder feeling sorry for the younger woman. But at least Bernie recognised her, even if it was memories from prior to their romantic relationship. When the blonde saw Serena she raised her left eyebrow, “Ms Campbell. Has my family been informed I am here?”

“Your son is informing them. He accompanied you home from Cyprus with me.” Sooner or later Bernie would have to learn she had lost some of her memories and Serena intended to start that process now. It was better for the army medic to know before she saw her adult children or something was said or happened which would distress her and cause a delay in her recovery.

The blonde looked at Serena and snorted, “Don’t be ridiculous! My son is on his gap year backpacking across South Asia.”

Serena glanced at Alex. The young woman seemed shell shocked and was just staring at Bernie lost to her own thoughts. Despite her warning to Alex, it was clear the younger woman had felt it wouldn’t apply to her. Whether that was arrogance or blind love Serena wasn’t entirely sure. “Major you should be aware that you are suffering from post-concussion syndrome.”

“What makes you think that?” Bernie asked in a disbelieving tone.

Serena sighed and pointed at herself and then Alex, “You don’t remember me and think we’ve never met. You referred to Captain Dawson as Lieutenant Dawson and as for Cameron, he’s an F2 on this ward.”

Bernie just stared at the two women trying to comprehend what Serena had told her. Pointing at Alex, Bernie queried her rank. “Captain? You’ve only been a full lieutenant eighteen months?” She paused and in a moment of self-doubt stated, “You, umm, y-you joined my unit in Helmand a month ago.”

Alex smiled at her commanding officer noting the confusion on her face, “I was a lieutenant when we first met in Helmand province 2010. My first Afghan tour. I got lucky and got you for my CO.”

Bernie regarded her for a moment before asking, “We didn’t meet for the first time a month ago?”

Alex shook her head, “No major. We’ve known each other for nine years.”

Serena joined in at that point, “Thanks to Alex you made it to this hospital three years ago. On a trolley cot in the back of an army ambulance. An unstable C5/C6 neck fracture, traumatised cervical disc in the same region, mild tachycardia and a pseudoaneurysm.”

With her usual dry wit Bernie responded, “Ouch!”

“IED’s tend to hurt when you drive over them.” Alex added with the same dry wit.

“Who was driving?” Bernie enquired.

“Corporal Marsh.” Alex looked away remembering the young man.

Bernie understood, even if she couldn’t remember the events around the IED, her driver had not survived.

An uncomfortable silence descended between the three women. Serena decided to break the silence, “Mr Hanssen will visit you in the morning and together we will operate on your hand and leg.”

Bernie looked at her right hand and leg. Both heavily bandaged and her leg still in a splint. She licked her lips nervously and without looking at Serena asked, “What’s the damage?” When there was no initial reply Bernie turned her head locking eyes with the vascular surgeon and groused out, “Out with it!”

There was no easy way of telling a fellow healthcare professional what she had to tell her. And certainly no way to fob off a fellow consultant surgeon. Not that Serena would insult Bernie with a lame lie. Her friend deserved honesty no matter how hard that would be for her to hear.

Serena sighed, “You’ve got numerous lacerations and contusions. Concussion. Fractures to your thumb, index and middle metacarpals, phalanges, and carpals. A deep laceration to your palm which may well have compromised the flexor tendons. Right femur fracture with shrapnel embedded in right quadriceps and right tibia fracture with shrapnel embedded in right lateral gastrocnemius.”

Bernie rolled her head into the centre of her pillow and raised her eyes to look at the ceiling and blew out a long breath mumbling, “I’m a trauma surgeon.”

Serena’s heart clenched. Bernie looked small and vulnerable. It was a state she never thought she would see the blonde in. She desperately wanted to change places with Bernie but that wasn’t possible. Serena wanted to pull her into an embrace and reassure Bernie everything would be alright. The stoic major wouldn’t thank her for public displays of emotion at the best of times let alone with post-concussion syndrome causing missing memories of what Serena meant to her. “You are scheduled for surgery at 10 a.m. tomorrow. Mr Hanssen will operate on your leg and carry out the debridement while I operate on your hand. We will get you back on your feet.” Serena reassured the blonde army major.

Bernie lowered her eyes and turned her head to look at Serena with her jaw set and her lips forming a tight thin line, “Thank you. I’ll be on my feet but unable to use my right hand. No more surgery.”

“We don’t know that for certain. Your scans and x-ray results will be back soon and we’ll know more then.” Serena tried again to reassure the other woman who looked devastated.

Bernie was not in the mood for consoling. The army medic dealt with facts and not speculation, “I’m a trauma surgeon, Ms Campbell. This is kind of my bread and butter. The probability of damage to the flexor tendons is extremely high and severe damage means I will never be able to conduct surgery again.”

Serena chuckled a little, “Oh she of little faith!” Bernie just scowled at Serena. The silver-haired surgeon sighed and offered her opinion. “Well, I prefer to wait for the scan results. Then we will plan the most effective treatment and care.”

Bernie felt drained and demoralised. Her thoughts were overwhelming her and she was not about to show her emotions in front of a subordinate and a woman she didn’t know. Turning her head away from the two women she stared at the wall to her right. In a quiet voice, she asked, “I want to be alone please.”

Alex took a step forward and went to say something. Serena put her hand on the younger woman’s forearm and when Alex looked at her she shook her head, “Now is not the time, Alex. Let her rest.” Alex sighed and left the room with Serena following her. The vascular surgeon paused in the doorway glancing back at the blonde. Bernie needed time to absorb the information and come to terms with it. She pulled the door closed and when she passed the nurses station asked Donna to do hourly observations on the major and to notify her immediately of any changes.

Thirty minutes later Serena was sat in the AAU consultant’s office finishing off some paperwork. Henrik Hanssen knocked on the half-open door and entered with his attention on Bernie’s x-ray, CT and MRI scan results. Serena looked up and kept her features natural waiting for his report. “I have reviewed Major Wolfe’s scans and x-ray results.” Henrik looked up and noted the expectant expression on Serena’s face. He gave as close to a smile as was possible for the very straight-laced and stoic Swede. He waved his hand across the report in his hand, “Good news. No change from her previous head CT scan.”

“Oh thank God,” Serena was relieved. She relaxed back into her chair and gazed up at the ceiling. When the silence drew out longer than necessary she looked over at Henrik with a raised eyebrow, “And the MRI scan?”

Henrik handed the tablet over to Serena with the scans and x-ray results, “Serious injury to the right hand. Major Wolfe will need more than one operation and extensive physiotherapy on her hand to be able to regain any adequate use of it. Her leg fractures are of no concern but the shrapnel is deep and may pose a serious risk to the femoral nerve.”

Serena reviewed the scans and x-ray results and then dropped the tablet onto her desk. She slumped back in her chair and let out a deep sigh. Tapping the tablet with her right index finger she looked up to Henrik, “I would prefer to keep this from Bernie. She’s tired and overwhelmed. Once we have operated we will have a prognosis for her.”

“Agreed. Let Ms Wolfe rest. We will operate tomorrow at 10 a.m.” Henrik advised with a firm nod of his head and left.

Just as Henrik left Zav popped his head around the office door frame and smiled at Serena when she looked up and spotted him, “Hand over’s done with the night shift. Ms Wolfe’s on hourly checks. They know any changes in her condition to call you.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you in the morning.” Serena turned her computer off and retrieved her handbag from the bottom drawer of her desk placing it on top of her desk. After pulling her coat on she picked up her bag and turned the lights off as she left her office.

It was then that Cameron hurried onto the ward with his father, Marcus Dunn, beside him and his sister Charlotte close behind them. Knowing they were heading for Bernie’s room and wanting to make sure they were aware of her injuries and how tired she was, Serena intercepted them. “Cameron. Marcus. Charlotte.” Serena greeted the three family members in a friendly but professional tone. “Your mum is resting and had requested she be left alone. But I dare say she will be thrilled to see both of you.” Serena deliberately left Marcus out. Turning to the man she pointed to her office, “If you’d like to make use of my office while you wait for your children?”

The tall dark-haired man didn’t hold back in his derision of the clinical lead of AAU. “My wife asked for me.”

“Ex-wife.” Serena corrected.

“Bernie asked for me.” He replied rather too smugly for Serena’s liking.

“Technically she asked if you and her children knew where she was.” Serena corrected again.

The dislike Marcus held for Serena was clear in his demeanour and snippy comments, “Well we can show her we know. Now, excuse us-”

Marcus went to walk away but Serena stopped him, “Before you all go in there. You need to understand Bernie has serious injuries to her hand and leg. She is also displaying signs of post-concussion syndrome, namely memory loss. We will be operating tomorrow at 10 a.m.”

“How bad is her memory loss?” Cameron asked.

“Anything post-2010 is lost to her.” Serena advised the young man.

“Will she be okay?” Charlotte enquired. The young woman had her mother’s eyes, nose, jaw and height. She was strikingly similar to Bernie apart from her light brown hair colour. Her eyes were rimmed red with the tears she had no doubt been crying for the past two weeks.

Serena offered her a kind smile, “Yes. But she may be left with permanent disabilities depending on how well she recovers from her operations and responds to physiotherapy and occupational therapy. As for her memories, there is a good chance most, if not all of them, will return but only time will tell.”

A thought occurred to Marcus at that point, “Will you be operating?”

Serena nodded, “Yes. Myself and Mr Hanssen.”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate.” He stated firmly as if it was in any way his decision.

Before Serena could respond Cameron rounded on his father, “Ms Campbell is AAU’s clinical lead and a highly regarded vascular surgeon.”

“Her previous relationship with your mother makes it inappropriate for her to be your mother’s doctor.” Marcus explained.

Cameron was annoyed with his father’s pettiness, “Rubbish! If it wasn’t for Serena mum wouldn’t even be here!”

“I want to see my mum.” Charlotte said walking passed her brother and Serena. Marcus followed her to the room. Followed closely by Cameron.

Serena watched them go and turned to leave the ward but Alex walked past her. The silver-haired vascular surgeon rolled her eyes wondering if she would ever get to leave tonight. Sighing she followed Alex trying to stop her but the brunette army medic ignored Serena and got to the door before the older woman could stop her. When Alex entered the room four sets of eyes turned on her.

“What the hell is she doing here?” Marcus asked angrily.

“I have every right to be here!” Alex insisted.

“Why can’t you leave us alone?” Charlotte challenged.

Alex snorted. “I’m here for Bernie.”

Marcus, Charlotte and Alex all spoke at once talking over each other.

Bernie’s voice was husky from being unused for two weeks. She sounded weary, “Lieutenant!”

Marcus shouted, “Get out!”

Cameron advised in a reasonable tone, “I think you should leave.”

But Alex was having none of it, “I’ve as much right to be here as any of you!”

Bernie was finding the junior officer’s behaviour very strange, “Lieutenant Dawson, you’re intruding on my family’s visit-”

Bernie was cut off when Alex stepped forward and firmly stated, “I am family. I’m-”

Serena had reached the room at this point and shouted, “ALEX! Now is not the time!”

Bernie even in her exhausted and somewhat muddled state had had enough and wanted to know what the young officer meant. “Let her speak!” Her voice was husky and carried the whip of command.

Alex stepped forward and locked eyes with the Bernie. Her voice was gentle, “I’m your fiancée.”

Bernie snorted, “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m married to Marcus.” The blonde was concerned her dark secret would be revealed.

The room fell silent. Bernie looked at the man she thought she was still married to but he said nothing and looked down at the floor. Cameron sighed and decided to speak up, “No mum. You divorced dad in 2016. You are engaged to Alex.”

The room was silent once again. “You are both older than when I left for my recent tour of Afghanistan,” Bernie muttered taking in both of her children.

“Well that was nine years ago. You have some missing memories. It's 2019, not 2010. You were injured in Mogadishu, not Helmand. Well not on this occasion anyway.” Cameron gently explained to his mother.

Bernie was feeling overwhelmed again and shook her head. “I’m divorced and engaged? But I’ve never been to Mogadishu!”

Noticing how Bernie was struggling with information overload Serena decided to take control on behalf of her patient and friend. “Alright. Cameron, Charlotte you stay with your mum. Marcus, Alex time for you both to leave.” Neither Marcus nor Alex chose to argue with Serena. She raised her eyebrows and her stern look told them she would brook no argument from either of them.

Serena turned to follow Alex and Marcus out of the room Bernie called to her, “Ms Campbell.” Serena paused at the door and looked back at the blonde. Bernie regarded her with a small smile and croaked out, “Thank you.” Serena returned the smile and left unaware that the blonde watched her go.

When Serena walked out of the room she was met with an agitated and pacing Alex. “I have every right to be in there with her. As much right as her children!”

“You do.” Serena agreed and when Alex stopped pacing she continued to explain her reasoning, “Bernie’s post-concussion syndrome has caused her memory issues. She doesn’t remember your relationship. She is tired and has major surgery tomorrow. Let her children visit with her tonight.” Noticing the younger woman physically relax Serena reasoned with her. “She needs rest. Hopefully, her memories will return and you’ll be able to help her recover.”

Alex looked at Serena with glassy eyes from unshed tears, “And if she never remembers?”

Serena put her hand on Alex’s left bicep and squeezed it. Fighting back her own tears she replied in a strained voice, “Then we make new ones for her.”


	6. Dream a Little Dream of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Bernie dreaming or remembering? Marcus visits his ex-wife with a suggestion. Alex is worried about Bernie and Serena gets some good news.

The side room was awkwardly silent. Cameron was leaning against the far wall chewing his bottom lip with his arms folded across his chest. The young man looked up under his dark eyelashes and regarded his mother with a concerned look. He was still too afraid to believe she was alive and in front of him in case he woke up and it had been a dream.

Charlotte stood at the foot of her mother’s bed. Taking in the injured woman and allowing herself to believe she was really alive. Bernie looked from Cameron to Charlotte, back to Cameron and finally back to Charlotte. She couldn’t get enough of the vision of her two children. They looked different. They were older for a start. 

But they both seemed reserved and deflated. They had been bright and confident, well Charlotte was confident. Cameron had his demons. For such an outgoing lad Cameron had always had an inferiority complex which baffled Bernie and she didn’t know where he got it from, certainly not her side of the family she believed. Had she done this to her children? What had happened between the three of them in the last ten years?

Bernie decided as the parent she should break the awkward silence growing between the three of them, “So are you both to grown-up to welcome your mother home with a hug?”

Interestingly Cameron was the first of the two children to move forward and give his mother a gentle hug. He kissed her cheek and in a shaky voice said, “Welcome home mum.”

Receiving the welcome hug from her son Bernie watched her daughter out of the corner of her eye. Charlotte was rooted to the spot biting her lower lip absentmindedly as she watched her mother and brother intently. When Cameron stood back Bernie lifted an eyebrow regarding her daughter for a moment. When the young woman remained where she was Bernie croaked out, “Lottie?”

Seeing the look of love in her mother’s eyes the young woman’s hesitation broke and she moved forward up to her mum’s left side and hugged her as gently as possible. Charlotte let out a strangled sob she hadn’t realised she was holding, “Oh mum! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Bernie turned her head to the side and kissed the top of Charlotte’s head and muttered against her soft blonde hair, “I am here, Lottie.” After a short pause she added in a surprised tone, “And you’ve dyed your hair.” The young woman nodded and kept her head buried into her mother’s neck. The physical touch giving her the proof she needed that her mother was alive.

***

AAU, Wyvern Wing, Holby City Hospital, Holby, Wyvern, England 4th August 2019:

Bernie had been taken into surgery at 10 a.m. as scheduled. Due to the extent of her shrapnel injuries, the debridement had taken longer than Serena or Henrik had expected. But then for them, this was new territory. Even with all their years of surgical knowledge and experience, neither of them had ever had to perform an operation on a wounded soldier with combat injuries. But Serena was still one of the country’s finest vascular surgeons and the best person to operate on Bernie if the army medic had any chance of regaining full use of her right hand and leg.

Five hours later Serena walked away from the operating table pulling her face mask off letting it hang from her left ear. Entering the scrub room she pulled her latex surgical gloves off dropping them into the yellow clinical waste bin and placed her hands on the edge of the stainless steel sink leaning forward trying to take the weight off her tired feet and legs.

Surgery had been long and delicate requiring absolute concentration. It wasn’t just the debridement but the intricate vascular surgery and nerve repair to Bernie’s right hand and leg. Serena was most concerned about the injury to Bernie’s hand and whether it would be successful due to the extent of the damage sustained. The debridement of shrapnel from her leg had also been a delicate procedure with Henrik having to leave a small piece in place because it was too deep to be removed without causing damage to her femoral nerve.

Serena let out a sob and choked back the one threatening to follow. Her thoughts were full of self-castigation for being responsible for the greatest love of her life ending up on an operating table. If she hadn’t pushed Bernie away she would never have returned to the army and she wouldn’t have been blown up, again! She sniffed and with the back of her right hand rubbed each eye dry of the tears gathering in them. Muttering to herself, “Come on Campbell. Pull yourself together!” Serena turned the taps on with her elbows, pumped antibacterial liquid soap onto her hands and began to thoroughly clean her hands and scrub out.

Once Henrik had closed up Bernie was taken to the recovery suite and once she had come round from the anaesthetic had been returned to her room on AAU. Serena had to conduct a ward round and finish some paperwork. When she finally had a moment to herself she made her way to Bernie’s room wanting to check on the blonde and spend as much time with her before Alex and her family arrived for evening visiting at 6 p.m. Serena would prefer to stay by the blonde’s side tonight. To remain by her side forever. But that wasn’t her role in Bernie’s life now. For now, she was Major Wolfe’s surgeon and when she recovered hopefully she could remain her friend.

Opening the door to the side room Serena expected to find Bernie on her own but she stopped abruptly at the sight of Alex Dawson reclining back in a chair, her head resting against her right hand and her eyes fixed on the blonde laid in the bed next to her. Alex held Bernie’s left hand in hers and rubbed her thumb across the back of it.

Serena paused for a moment watching the younger woman. It was clear that Alex genuinely loved Bernie very much. It hurt to see them together, even if Bernie was asleep after major surgery, but Serena accepted she had pushed Bernie into the friend zone and she hadn’t wanted her to be lonely. So this was all her fault and she had to make it right by getting Bernie well again so she could marry Alex. 

Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach and it hurt, really hurt, to think of Bernie getting married to anyone but her. But this was the path she had set them on and no matter how much it hurt her she had to make sure Bernie reached the happy destination she deserved. Serena cleared her throat announcing her arrival and moved into the room.

Alex sat up and greeted the older woman with a smile, “Hi.”

Serena returned the smile although hers was tighter, “Hi.” She moved to the foot of the bed smiling at Bernie and this time her smile reached her eyes. Her heart ached at the sight of the badly injured woman. Her hand and forearm were immobilised in bandages with a plaster splint over the top and her wrist and fingers in a slightly bent position. Pins and screws protruded from the bandages covering the femur and tibia of her right leg which was suspended in traction.

The love in Serena’s eyes being directed at the blonde wasn’t missed by Alex. The silence stretched a little uncomfortably before Alex decided to break it with some humour, “She’s not much company right now!”

Serena’s thoughts of Bernie were broken. Turning to the younger woman she gave a small smile of acknowledgement. Pulling Bernie’s file from the holder at the foot of her bed she read through the post-operative observations taken by Senior Nurse Donna Jackson. Happy everything was within the normal and expected range. Dropping the patient file back into its holder at the foot of the bed she moved up Bernie’s right side and checked her bandages and that the traction holding her right leg was still secure and set at the right tension.

“Everything ok?” Alex asked, but they both knew the younger woman would have read Bernie’s file and kept her eye on the monitors while she was in there.

Serena smiled raising her eyebrow in mock surprise that Alex was asking and nodded, “Everything is as it should be. And well you know it.”

Alex looked at Serena with concern in her eyes and enquired, “Prognosis?”

Serena pointed to Bernie’s bandaged right leg being held in traction, “All three operations went well. They took longer than expected due to the extent of debridement required. Henrik reset and pined the femur and tibia fractures. He’s satisfied the fractures will fully heal within eight weeks. Some shrapnel remains in her thigh. Too close to the femoral nerve to safely be removed.”

Pausing a moment Serena’s gaze went to Bernie’s bandaged and splinted right hand and in a faraway voice, she continued. “I operated on her hand. Between the fractures and the laceration to her palm, it was a bloody mess.” The older woman paused for a beat and almost as an afterthought added, “I’m satisfied the fractures to her thumb, index and middle metacarpals, phalanges and carpals will heal nicely within the next eight weeks.” Serena paused once again and seemed to retreat into a world of her own. A world that only included Bernie Wolfe.

“That’s the good news. Out with the bad then.” Alex verbally prodded her.

The older woman sighed turning her gaze back to Alex. “I won’t lie to you Alex, you’re a doctor. The laceration to her palm was deep and cut across her flexor tendons. The debridement I carried out was successful. But it’s too early to tell how successful the flexor tendon repair is.”

Alex nodded slowly and turned her eyes back to Bernie. “What the hell will she do if it doesn’t work?”

“Let’s try and remain positive, umm. There’s every chance she’ll make a full recovery.” Serena tried to instil some hope in the younger woman.

But Alex wasn’t listening. Being a doctor herself, and an army doctor at that, she had seen all sorts of combat injuries and knew exactly how serious this injury was to Bernie and the very real risk it posed to her fiancée career. “I hope so. I don’t think she’ll accept anything less than a full recovery. You know what a bad patient she makes.”

Serena folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow at the defeatist attitude coming from the younger doctor. “I know only too well how badly she’ll take this if the worst-case scenario happens. For now, this is all speculation. I for one still have some faith in my surgical expertise to believe she’ll make a full recovery.”

Alex had the good grace to look contrite, “No offence. I don’t doubt your surgical abilities. I’m just worried sick about her.” 

Serena offered a sympathetic smile, “As am I. No point worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet.” Alex nodded and turned to look at her sleeping fiancée. The silver-haired woman tried to reassure the younger woman, “You have my word that I will do everything to get her well. Bernie’s got a long road to recovery and today is the first day of that journey. Don’t write her chances off just yet.”

Turning back to regard Bernie before she had to leave her again, and disappointed she couldn’t have had some alone time with her, Serena reached out and tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Knowing Bernie was safe, stable and comfortable brought a sense of peace to Serena’s heart. She would make sure she arrived at work early tomorrow so that she could visit Bernie without any other visitors being there. 

As the clinical lead of AAU made her way to the door she paused beside Alex and addressed the younger woman in a firm yet kind tone, “You know visiting time doesn’t start for another hour, Captain Dawson.”

“I’ll have to leave at 6 p.m. Her children won’t accept me being here. I thought I’d sneak in now and spend an hour with her and duck out before Cam and Lottie arrive.” Alex explained hoping Serena would accept this and allow it given the circumstances and her history with Bernie.

It wasn’t that Serena didn’t sympathise with Alex’s predicament, because she really did, however, the ward had to run smoothly and without visitors interrupting her staff from carrying out their duties and preventing her patients from resting. Even if those visitors were medical professionals themselves and the patient concerned was Bernie Wolfe.

In order to convey her sympathy regarding the situation the younger woman was in, yet still asserting the rules of her ward Serena’s tone remained firm but kind. “I appreciate this is a delicate and difficult situation you find yourself in. My priority and that of the staff here is Bernie’s wellbeing and her recovery. I suggest you make arrangements with Cameron and Charlotte to coordinate your respective visiting times. From now on visiting, times will be adhered to on my ward. They’re there for the benefit of the patient to be able to rest and recover and for the staff to carry out care and treatments.” Serena was regarding Alex with a smile waiting for a response from her.

“I’ll speak to them when they arrive.” Alex agreed. Knowing Serena was right and well within her rights to have asked her to leave but hadn’t.

“As her fiancée you have a right to visit her. If they give you a hard time let me know and I’ll speak to Cameron.” Serena offered in support. Bernie would always be Serena’s greatest love and she wanted her to be happy, always happy. So if Bernie loved Alex and the younger woman made her happy then Serena would make sure she gave Alex all the support she needed, even if seeing them together tore at her heart.

Serena made her way across the room to the door and paused when she reached Alex. Patting the younger woman’s shoulder in support and giving it a gentle squeeze. Alex looked up at her and smiled. Serena returned the smile and left the room. She decided to stay in her office until Cameron and Charlotte arrived in case Alex needed some support getting Bernie’s children to placate their stance on Alex spending time with their mother. Serena believed that Cameron would be more open-minded than Charlotte. She just hopped Marcus didn’t turn up again because he would only set the proverbial cat among the pigeons.

***

In the three days that followed Serena came into work early and left well after visiting time had finished. It was the only way she could steal any alone time with Bernie. The silver-haired woman had quickly fallen into her new routine with relative ease and put that down to the reward of spending time with Bernie. Even if the other woman was on heavy pain killers, sedated and unresponsive.

Yesterday Henrik and Serena decided this morning Bernie would be brought out of the heavy sedation she’d been in since her surgery. The sedation had been necessary in order to allow Bernie to rest so her battered body could begin its long road to recovery. She would still be sedated to a degree but be more aware and able to communicate. The blonde would be conscious again in a few hours and Serena would have to think up other reasons to spend time with her friend.

Her friend who didn’t remember her. Didn’t remember for now because Serena held out the utmost hope that Bernie’s memory problem was down to post-concussion syndrome. Hopefully, in the coming weeks or worse case in a few months, it would rectify itself. Between now and then Serena would just have to start over and re-establish herself in Bernie Wolfe’s life. In any case, the fact that Bernie didn’t remember her was neither here nor there because Serena had enough memories to remember for both of them.

If any of her staff had noticed their boss arriving an hour before the start of her shift and leaving an hour after visiting time had finished no one said a word. As she did whenever she arrived at work Serena’s first port of call was to Pulse’s where she bought a large strong hot coffee and pain au chocolat. Once she had hung her scarf and coat up in her office and dropped her bag into the bottom drawer of her desk Serena took her coffee and pain au chocolat and headed straight to Bernie’s room.

Placing her coffee and snack on the bedside cabinet Serena retrieved the patient file from the foot of Bernie’s bed. She stood reading through the overnight stats her staff had made and periodically glanced up to take in the readings on the monitors attached to Bernie. Serena was satisfied with the overnight stats and that the readings were all within the normal range. Bernie had thankfully had an uneventful night. 

Taking the chair next to Bernie’s bed Serena took the lid off her coffee cup and blew on the hot beverage to cool it a little before taking a welcome sip. Opening her pain au chocolat she tore off a corner and popped it into her mouth. Chewing it she read the monitors again which bleeped away reassuring her Bernie’s stats were all within the normal range. After another sip of coffee, she popped another piece of pain au chocolat into her mouth and studied the sedated blonde beside her.

“I’ll blame you if I’ve gained weight due to all the pain au chocolat and take away’s I’ve eaten since Operation Desert Wolfe started.” She chuckled visualising the raised eyebrow and confused look Bernie would be giving her right now if she were awake. “Yes, Operation Desert Wolfe is very much a thing. My darling nephew, your darling nephew too when you eventually remember him, came up with that name.” She chuckled taking a couple of sips of her coffee and enjoyed being in close proximity to her best friend and the love of her life.

Coffee and pain au chocolat both finished Serena put the cup and wrapping in the bin and retook her seat pulling it closer to Bernie’s bedside and let out a big sigh. Taking the blonde’s left hand she squeezed it and rubbed her thumb across the back of her knuckles.

Whenever Serena was alone with Bernie she talked to the blonde as if she was awake and able to respond even though she wasn’t and obviously couldn’t. Serena would chat about what elective surgeries she had ahead of her that day, which ones she knew Bernie would want to be involved with, and at the end of her day how the day had gone. She would inform her friend how well her son was doing now he was permanently assigned to AAU. Once she had brought Bernie up to speed on all the hospital gossip she would tell her all Jason, Greta and Guinevere’s news. The time always flew by far too quickly for Serena.

During the quiet time when she sat beside Bernie’s bed, before the start of her working day and at the end of it, Serena could almost pretend Bernie hadn’t forgotten her. That she hadn’t forgotten them. She could kid herself she was partaking in one of her favourite past times; watching Bernie Wolfe sleep and that they were in her bed, their bed, wrapped up in each other’s arms. Any minute now the blonde would wake, offer her a closed eye smile and in a husky sleep-filled voice say good morning, before leaning in to kiss Serena lovingly on the lips.

Taking a sharp intake of breath the silver-haired woman used her free hand to wipe away the gathering moisture collecting in her eyes, “If it’s the last thing I do, Bernie. I promise I’ll put you back together.” The last thirty minutes had flown by and Serena had to start her workday. Placing Bernie’s left hand gently down on top of the covers she gave it a little squeeze and leaned in placing a chaste kiss to the mop of blonde hair at the side of her head just above her ear. “Sleep well, soldier.” And then she left heading for her office were to compose herself for ten minutes before receiving the hand over from her night staff.

By mid-morning Serena had brought Bernie round from the sedation she had been under for the past three days following her operations. Bernie had come round slowly which amused Serena no end. Unless Bernie was getting up for an early morning run she was always the last to get up in the morning. But in her current state, it was absolutely understandable. Her body was exhausted and she was on heavy pain relief and that combination alone made her very drowsy.

For the following forty-eight hours Bernie had drifted in and out of sleep and slept more than being awake. Serena had continued her routine vigil at the blonde’s bedside before and after work. During her shift she visited Bernie whenever work permitted and when she could come up with a viable excuse for her staff, as well as herself, to be in the blonde’s room again.

The days rolled on and a week soon became two since Bernie’s operations. Serena had kept to her routine of visiting her friend before and after her shift for the first week following her surgery. By week two the blonde was more with it and managed to remain awake more than she slept during the day. Once her visitors had left she remained awake for about an hour or so after visiting time had ended. As a result, Serena reluctantly had to restrict her visiting time to before her shift when Bernie would still be asleep. Serena didn’t talk so much now just whispered the odd comments not wanting to wake the recovering woman. 

By the middle of week three unbeknown to Serena for the past two days the blonde had become aware of Serena’s pre-dawn visits. Bernie thought she was imagining it. By reasonable assumption the blonde thought it was her addled mind and the result of the heavy pain killers and mild sedation she was on. Because why was a consultant vascular surgeon visiting her and telling her the latest hospital gossip? Unaware of why Serena was there, but aware of her physical presence in the chair next to her, Bernie found comfort in the woman’s voice. There was a familiarity to it she didn’t understand. Listening to Serena’s soft mutterings Bernie drifted to sleep and began to dream. 

*** With a cigarette hanging from her mouth Bernie went to light it with her battered silver lighter. Flicking the lid open with her thumb and igniting the flame in one fluid motion honed from years of smoking. But she changed her mind to smoke the cigarette and flicked the lid shut extinguishing the flame. A bleep from her phone notified her of a text message. Putting her lighter into the right pocket of her coat she pulled her phone from the left pocket of her coat at the same time and opened the message. It was from her husband, Marcus Dunn asking how her day was going. 

About to text him back Bernie looked up when a very annoyed woman, stood beside a car that was obviously broken down with its bonnet up, shouted into her phone, “Which part of today are you struggling to understand?... Hello?” 

With the unlit cigarette hanging from her mouth Bernie called out to the exasperated brunette, “Engine been growling or whining? Any intermittent smell of fossil burning rubber?” 

The brunette turned around regarding Bernie with a wary expression. “Define intermittent?” 

Sauntering over to the other woman with her gaze fixed on the car Bernie advised, “Alternator might be cactus.” She removed the unlit cigarette from her mouth. 

“Sounds bad.” The woman asked. 

Bernie was still staring at the car with her cigarette in one hand and phone in the other replied, “It is if you want to go anywhere.” Finally, she turned her gaze onto the other woman and gave her a slight smile.

“Ah ha, funny you don’t look like a mechanic, well, apart from the fag.” The brunette pointed at Bernie’s cigarette being held in her right hand. 

Looking down at the phone in her left hand Bernie informed the brunette, “I’m not a mechanic. I’m a trauma surgeon.”

With a big smile the brunette held her hand out, “Ah, you must be Berenice Wolfe.” and then introduced herself. “Serena Campbell.” Nodding down at the unlit cigarette she teased, “I think you’re meant to light it!”

Shaking Serena’s hand Bernie let out a breath with a slight chuckle, “Ah. No. I’ve had this cigarette for two years.” Her head tilted to the side and she smiled warmly at Serena, “My husband made me quit when British forces left Helmand. So I tore up every cigarette I had except this one.” Bernie rolled her eyes up to the sky before looking back to the woman stood next to her and with a smile concluded, “Thought I’d keep it as a symbol of my freedom. My old independent self.” 

Serena had been smiling at Bernie throughout the blonde's little speech and once again the brunette teased the softly spoken trauma surgeon, “Umm, as symbols of freedom go it’s a bit pants.” With a raise of both eyebrows, she grinned, pointed at Bernie and in a sing-song type of voice told her, “A nice bottle of Shiraz, however.”

Bernie informed Serena regretfully, “Goes really nicely with a fag.” 

The brunette smiled at Bernie with a sympathetic expression and turning to walk away added, “Oh dear. You’ve clearly made a great sacrifice for your husband.”

With a cheeky smile Bernie replied drily, “I wish you’d tell him!” When Serena walked away Bernie went back to her text. She typed out a message that her shift was going great and sent it to Marcus. ***

In the chair next to Bernie’s bed Serena looked up at the monitor which was bleeping with the blonde’s increased pulse rate. Serena also noted the blonde’s breathing had increased a little and her cheeks had suddenly developed a little more colour to them. With a raised eyebrow Serena muttered, “What on earth are you dreaming about major?” Her left hand went to the pendant around her neck and she played with it while pondering that thought for a moment. Coming to a decision, no way of knowing she was the focus of the blonde’s dream, Serena waved her right hand in the air and chuckled, “On second thoughts probably best I don’t know.”

When Serena left to start her shift Bernie stirred and woke. Blinking her eyes to chase away the sleep trying to drag her back into Morpheus embrace. The dream was still vivid to her and she couldn’t help the smile that appeared on her face. There was a familiarity about the contents of the dream which made it feel more like a memory than a dream. Only Bernie had no memory of meeting Serena Campbell in a car park over a cactus, alternator? Hadn’t she only met her a few weeks ago? Serena’s voice in her dream had been a husky burr, like rich chocolate mixed with oak-smoked whisky. Her sense of humour was sharp and her firm handshake communicated confidence. “My kind of girl,” the blonde thought to herself as sleep began to claim her again and she allowed her thoughts to slip away.

***

Bernie didn’t dream every time she took a nap or slept. But when she did her dreams were a haphazard mixture of familiar and unfamiliar people and places. There were dreams about her children attending university and starting their careers. Of Bernie working with Cameron and telling him off for calling her mum at work and threatening to tell everyone how old he was when he stopped wetting the bed if he didn’t refer to her in a professional manner.

In another dream it was clear she was in a relationship with Lieutenant Dawson, but the rank insignia on the younger woman’s uniform was that of a captain. There was a dream where divorce papers were served to her in a civilian hospital. The knowledge that her children had written letters in support of their father’s divorce application on the grounds of her adultery hurt her deeply. Cameron and Charlotte’s letters spelt out their disappointment and anger at their mother’s absence from their lives due to her frequent military deployment.

It wasn’t all dreams though. Bernie had started to get some memories back to. Only a few here and there, but she was relieved they were starting to return, but had kept the information to herself for the time being. Alone in her room, after Alex had left one evening she was startled from a book she was reading when a nurse dropped an instrument tray out on the ward. The loud bang and clatter triggered a memory of her being driven in an army Land Rover with Captain Dawson along a dusty desert road. The vehicle hit an IED and was blown up. She automatically pulled her hospital gown forward and looked down at the thin white scar on her chest. She had been here before. This hospital had saved her life not that long ago. Two surgeons came to mind, Olly Valentine and the great Guy Self.

A few nights later Bernie dreamt she was sharing a glass of wine with Serena. They were sat in an office and Bernie said “You’re my kind of girl”, but added it was probably best they kept their undeniable sexual chemistry confined to theatre. As her dreams continued into her fourth week in hospital it was clear a theme was forming. That theme was Serena Campbell and she wasn’t in all of her dreams or even all of her returning memories, but she was in the majority of them. During an afternoon nap, Bernie enjoyed a dream where she shared a passionate kiss with Serena Campbell in the same office. After the kiss broke Bernie admitted to the other woman she had wanted to do that for weeks to which Serena agreed she had wanted to do the same.

It was now four weeks since Bernie’s operations. Alone in her room one lunchtime, she was reading the latest issue of the lancet while waiting for her lunch to be delivered. The door to her room was partially open and her attention was drawn to the nurse’s station just outside it. She could see and hear two nurses and a doctor chatting. AAU’s head nurse Donna was laughing with a dark-haired male nurse and a blond male doctor in burgundy scrubs.

Listening to the young blond male Bernie began to recognise his voice and a recollection came to her of sitting with him on a bench on a dark cold night. Both were dressed in burgundy scrubs and grey hoodies. Bernie was enjoying a cigarette and confiding in him about her wish to be brave enough to be true to herself and go after Serena. The thought of perusing Serena brought another memory on. They were back in the office and Bernie was apologising for going to Kiev, explaining how she was rubbish at relationships but had changed and would stay if Serena gave her a reason to stay. The brunette lunged forward and gave Bernie a reason by kissing her passionately.

That night Bernie dreamt she was running down an ambulance ramp, towards an unconscious young man laid face down in a car park, shouting “Jason!” In the same dream, she was in the women’s toilets kneeling beside an unconscious young woman. As she carried out her assessment it was clear her patient was in a critical condition and she begged her, “Don’t do this Ellie!” But the next moment Bernie was stood behind Serena Campbell with her hands on the brunette’s shoulders. She rubbed the woman’s upper arms gently in a comforting manner. The brunette sat holding the hand of the same young woman who was now on life support.

One of the memories the blonde had regained was running up several flights of stairs with a distinct sense of panic. At the top of the stairs, she banged hard on a door shouting Serena’s name. Eventually, she shouldered the door open and rushed out onto the roof where she found the brunette sat in a deck chair with a blanket over her lap, a pair of headphones on listening to music and smoking a cigarette.

During an afternoon nap in the middle of week four Bernie had a dream she particularly liked and was pleased to have had it more than once. Bernie was standing in a busy foyer nose to nose with Serena Campbell. The other woman was holding Bernie’s head between her hands. The silver-haired woman telling the blonde she couldn’t imagine a life without her and asking Bernie to wait for her, for them. Bernie initially said no, but laughed indicating she is teasing Serena and confirmed she will wait for her for eternity. Their lips crashed together in a fiercely passionate kiss and they held each other tightly.

When she woke from the dream Bernie was bored. She had read all the issues of the lancet and the two books Alex had brought her. One was a biography about British combat medics from the First World War to the current Afghanistan war and the other was a book about the suffragettes. While eating some grapes Charlotte had brought her the evening before a memory came to Bernie of sharing a picnic with Serena. They were eating cheese, grapes and warm French bread and washing it down with red wine in a vineyard on a hot summer’s day. That warm memory led onto her remembering being naked and making love to Serena in front of a roaring open fire in a French farmhouse. She blushed at the memory grateful for being alone. She wouldn’t have wanted to explain why she was blushing.

Three nights later towards the end of week four Bernie dreamt she was working in a busy trauma unit in a far off land where English was not the first language. From a car travelling across a plain, she could see gazelles, giraffes, zebras and lions. Your definitely not in Holby anymore Berenice she thought. The following day she thought about that particular dream and the pieces began to form into a clear memory and she huffed out in relief finally remembering, “Nairobi!” Donna had been taking her observations at the time. The nurse looked up from the foot of the bed and smiled at her patient but said nothing.

By the beginning of the fifth week Bernie had had a dream where she shared a drink in a bar with Serena. The silver-haired woman was telling her she hadn’t fallen in love with a domestic Bernie Wolfe. That her Bernie wouldn’t push small children on swings or put the bin out in her slippers. The dream ended abruptly with Bernie attempting to slip out of the bar. But she paused in front of the door to take in the view of Serena Campbell one last time. When the other woman’s eyes met Bernie’s the blonde gave Serena a loving smile and tapped two fingers of her left hand against her temple in a salute and left the bar.

From then on her dreams didn’t feature Serena Campbell, they featured Captain Alex Dawson. She had dreams where they worked together in theatre, kissing passionately in a military bunk and making love on a blanket on a beach on a hot sunny day. And walking on a beach hand in hand with Alex and coming across a Cyprus tulip. Having picked the tulip she later pressed it into a brown leather-bound journal.

In the first week or so Bernie had initially found the dreams intriguing, and some even pleasurable, there were many especially towards the end of week four and through week five which carried a sense of regret and absolute sadness. The blonde surgeon knew very well that the nature of dreams meant they were often undefinable and/or unexplainable.

Whenever Bernie woke she would turn the remnants of any dreams over in her mind attempting to separate memory from fiction. There was a distinct feeling that these dreams were in some way memories. She had this nagging feeling she was remembering rather than simply dreaming. Cam, Lottie, Lieutenant now Captain Dawson and even her husband or rather ex-husband had informed her she had lost ten years of memories. Some of which had returned. She had kept the details to herself until confident they were memories and back to stay.

The more she thought about the dreams the more she had to conclude there was a bizarre sense of déjà vu about all of them. As a doctor she was aware most scientists believed dreaming, which occurs during REM sleep, is due to signals being sent to the cerebral cortex during sleep. Some of the signals are crucial for memory and learning while others are seemingly random. The human brain will try to interpret these signals by combining them into a cohesive story which results in a dream. To begin with, Bernie had believed the dreams were just her brain trying to make sense out of all the broken memories and information she was being given by friends and family. With more memories returning she realised how wrong she had been thinking most of her dreams were just dreams.

It was a couple of hours after visiting time had finished and with her eyelids getting heavy and feeling tired Bernie decided not to fight sleep and let Morpheus take her to the land of sleep. Her body still needed rest and she wasn’t going to fight the sleep she needed in order to heal. Bernie hoped tonight it would be a blank black space where she could rest in ignorant bliss for a while.

***

It was early morning at the end of her fifth week. Still an hour or so until the night shift handed over to the day shift. The lights on the ward were still off with the only illumination coming from the dimmed lighting over the nurse’s station. The blind on the door to Bernie’s room was partially open allowing a little illumination from the nurse’s station to seep into her room. The blonde laid staring at the ceiling. Her thoughts turning over and over.

Her memories were definitely returning and she pondered the ones she had regained. She really had had a relationship with a junior officer under her command. Hell, she was in a relationship with that said junior officer. Engaged to be married in fact. The woman had saved her life when their Land Rover hit an IED. But her thoughts drifted to Serena and she groaned remembering friend-zoning Serena Campbell over a glass of wine in their shared office? How stupid had she been? It was clear that Ms Campbell was definitely her type and the other woman had made it clear she was interested in Bernie. Yet there she was pushing the brunette away because she wasn’t brave enough to admit her own feelings for Serena.

Thoughts kept running around her mind. Since when did she confide her feelings to young male medics in burgundy scrubs? Had she started smoking again? Marcus would be furious. Oh, wait, no she’s divorced so she doesn’t answer to him anymore. Not that she had anyway. Who on earth is Jason? Who is Ellie? Bernie tried to sort fact from fiction but this was hampered by the still missing memories. She had been able to piece together some broken memories and put names to faces from her dreams from the information her children, husband, now ex-husband, and Lieutenant, now Captain, Dawson had told her. It was time she let her medical team and family know her memories were returning.

***

Alex and Bernie’s children had come to an agreement where she would visit on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Cameron would visit Monday and Thursday and Charlotte would visit Tuesday and Friday. Sunday Bernie’s friends would visit. It pained Alex not to be there more often but accepted the amicable arrangement she had negotiated with Cameron who had talked his sister round. Their father had taken it upon himself to visit tonight arriving a few minutes ahead of Alex.

Bernie was surprised to see the man. He hadn’t visited her since her first evening at the hospital five weeks ago. He kissed her cheek and took the seat next to her bed smiling warmly at her. Bernie offered a small smile in return, “Marcus. What are you doing here?”

The tall broad dark-haired man reached out and took Bernie’s left hand. Marcus gave her hand a gentle squeeze and rubbed his thumb across the back of her knuckles affectionately. “Visiting my wife,” His smile grew when he referred to Bernie as his wife.

Bernie cleared her throat and looked down at their joined hands, “Shouldn’t that be ex-wife?”

When Bernie looked up again Marcus’ gazed was fixed firmly on her. His expression warm and loving. “Alright. How about visiting the woman I love?”

That declaration didn’t surprise Bernie. Marcus had always worn his heart on his sleeve and been able to express his emotions where Bernie avoided emotional declarations and kept her heart locked behind a high wall. She knew he loved her and for her part, she loved him in her own way. But not the way a wife should love a husband though. It wasn’t a passionate love or one of sexual attraction. Her feelings for Marcus were an affectionate fondness and platonic love for a man she had met at university and became good friends with. A man she shared two children with.

A very long time ago Bernie had buried her sexuality deep down and done her best to ignore it for most of her life. She knew her parents wouldn’t approve of a lesbian daughter and growing up in the 1970s and 1980s she knew only too well what society’s opinion of homosexuals was. It was disparaging and discriminatory, to say the least with homosexuals ostracised and banned from joining the military. And if the military police found out a serviceman or woman was gay or lesbian they were dishonourably discharged.

Bernie carried guilt about her marriage and alongside it anger over the repression of her sexuality. She had decided to marry Marcus to please her parents and in the naive hope that the marriage would help her focus on presenting a respectable heterosexual appearance and keep her thoughts and desires away from her true nature. It had pleased her parents. It had pleased Marcus. While Bernie had got to do her dream job, serving as a trauma surgeon in the British army, she had also had two amazing children during her twenty-five-year marriage who she loved dearly and had had to leave behind more often than not during her military career.

Her biggest sacrifice had been denying her sexuality and missing out on a romantic intimate relationship with a woman. For most of her adult life, Bernie had felt that was the sacrifice she had had to make in order to have a career in the military. She wasn’t pleased about it but had accepted for her that was how it had to be.

“How are you feeling?” Marcus asked in a tender tone.

Bernie’s reply was her usual dry wit, “Like I was blown up!” She looked at their joined hands again and felt uncomfortable with Marcus’ physical display of affection and pulled her hand away. 

Leaning forward Marcus addressed his ex-wife in a gentle but serious tone, “Bern-”

“Why are you really hear, Marcus?” Bernie regarded him with a neutral expression.

Marcus leaned back in the chair, “I was hoping we could talk.”

Bernie regarded him with suspicion. From what her children had told her Marcus had been the one to instigate the divorce after finding out she had had an affair with Captain Alex Dawson. His pride severely dented because he had been working at the hospital she was currently in and heard the news on the hospital rumour mill that she had been seen kissing Alex Dawson. Bernie still found it hard to accept she had been wounded so badly she had been medically discharged from the army as a result. Alex was a very attractive young woman and it did Bernie’s ego no harm in knowing she shared an intimate relationship with her and apparently was now engaged to her. Perhaps these dreams were memories after all?

While Bernie didn’t remember the events which led to her divorce or the actual divorce. She did remember what her children had told her. That Marcus had coerced them into writing damming letters against her in support of his divorce petition. Bernie chewed on her bottom lip deep in thought. If she was engaged to lieut- captain... Alex, then she had obviously allowed her sexuality some free reign or more to the point accepted it and apparently embraced it.

Taking a sigh Bernie looked directly at Marcus and stated in a firm voice, “Given you divorced me three years ago on the grounds of adultery, coerced our children into writing letters for you against me and I’m engaged to Alex now, I doubt we have anything to say to each other.”

He really hadn’t expected that. But whether it was arrogance or stupidity he carried on, “I was hurt. You hurt me. What would you have done in my shoes?”

Bernie thought about that for a moment. In his shoes? She didn’t think she would blame him. Because she wasn’t in love with him there would be no jealousy. She didn’t know why he hadn’t considering he didn’t have much of a marriage with her being on deployment so often. In conclusion, she would probably throw a party at being free to be her true self. But instead of giving the man the honest answer, she opted for a less offensive reply, “Out with it then.”

The whip of command, the major rather than the woman he had been married to for twenty-five years was there. This always put the hackles on Marcus’ back up. It irritated him no end, “I wanted to know if you wanted to try again.”

“Try what again?” Bernie wasn’t being deliberately obtuse. She honestly didn’t know what the man was getting at.

Gesturing with his hand between them Marcus gave her a hopeful smile, “Us. We could try again.”

Bernie might have lost her memories from over the past ten years, but from what she had been told she was divorced from Marcus and in a relationship with Alex. Finally able to be herself. No matter how fond she was of Marcus or how guilty she felt for marrying him, knowing she didn’t love him and being a lesbian she would never be attracted to him, she would not try anything with him. If she had found the bravery to be herself she would stand sure and not go back in the closet or live a lie again.

“No.” It was spoken in a soft whisper. The blonde didn’t want to hurt this man any further. His only crime was to fall in love with a woman incapable of loving him in a manner he more than deserved.

Marcus wasn’t expecting Bernie to agree straight away. But for a woman who had lost the memories of the past ten years, “No? Why?”

Bernie snorted not believing he could be under any illusion they could try and make their relationship work. “It’s over. Has been for some time. Officially for three years apparently.” She really didn’t want to hurt him.

Marcus leaned forward and took her hand between both of his and squeezed it, “It doesn’t have to be. We were good together. We made two great children together.”

He was playing with an emotional hand grenade and while Bernie didn’t want to be the one pulling the pin she was being backed into a corner and had to be cruel to be kind, “We weren’t that good Marcus. I was hardly here.” With a small smile she tried to soften the blow she knew he would feel keenly at her rejection, “Yes we have two fantastic children. We will always be their parents. Let’s leave things as they are.”

Marcus, however, wasn’t going to give up without a fight, “It would be better for the kids if their parents were back together.”

Bernie pulled her hand away from her ex-husband's grasp and huffed, “No it wouldn’t. They’re adults. What is best for them is to have parents who are happy and not together for the sake of it.”

Standing up Marcus walked to the window and pulled two slats of the blind covering it apart and gazed out. In a mumble, he informed her, “I was happy. I thought you were too?”

With a sigh Bernie tried to shut this conversation down, “Marcus-”

Letting go of the blind the dark-haired man turned around to face his ex-wife again, “You were happy weren’t you?”

Bernie pinched the bridge of her nose feeling a headache coming on, “Do we have to do this now?”

Trying his soft voice and looking at her with his large dark brown eyes impersonating a smacked puppy he pleaded, “Bern?”

He was like a whiny child pestering for a treat. Only he was a 55-year-old man. Bernie felt browbeaten and knew she wouldn’t get any peace until she was brutally honest with him. Dropping her hand from the bridge of her nose and holding it out to stop Marcus from speaking Bernie huffed, “Fine! But remember you pushed for this!” Bernie took a breath and decided to just tell him the truth, “I was satisfied with our marriage-”

Marcus cut her off and shouted, “SATISFIED! Not happy? Just satisfied?”

Bernie looked directly at Marcus and in a firm voice continued, “Yes. Satisfied.” Looking up at the ceiling and then back at the man now stood behind the chair next to her bed Bernie ploughed on, “I don’t remember the last ten years. It’s all a complete blank. But I still know who I am, who I’ve always been.”

“You’re not making any sense!” Marcus huffed and leaned his forearms on the back of the chair and stared straight at her.

Deciding to get her facts straight Bernie asked, “You divorced me because I had an affair with a woman. Correct?” Marcus nodded in reply wanting to know where Bernie was going with this. Bernie regarded him for a moment and pondered her next words. “Then there is nothing for us to try for.”

“What? Why?” He was confused and still not prepared to give up without a satisfactory reason.

Bernie sighed heavily. He was actually an intelligent man, a consultant orthopaedic surgeon, but he was so fixed on getting her back he was missing the glaringly obvious. Even when it was staring him in the face. “I’ll spell it out so there is no doubt what I mean. I had an affair with a woman because I am gay. Not because you were inadequate or a bad husband. I’ve hidden and repressed my sexuality all my adult life. I married you knowing I was gay.” There she had said it and there was no taking it back.

“I see.” Marcus let his head drop down so he was staring at the seat of the chair and let out a long breath of frustration.

“Do you?” Bernie wasn’t sure he did understand. 

Lifting his head Marcus looked at his ex-wife and shook his head, “If I’m being honest. Not really.”

Nodding slowly a couple of times the blonde attempted to console the deflated man before her, “It was never my intention to hurt you. I didn’t cheat on you because I didn’t care about you. I cheated because I couldn’t repress my true self anymore.”

Marcus lifted his head and looked at her with an expression of defeat, “You didn’t just hurt me. You humiliated me.”

Bernie motioned with her hand between herself and Marcus, “And yet here you are wanting me back!”

“You’re a hard act to replace.” He offered the woman in the bed a smile which didn’t reach his sad eyes. 

Bernie knew that was his way of saying he still loved her. He hadn’t moved on. “You deserve more than I can ever give you. Move on, Marcus. Find someone who will love you with as much passion as you love them.” Watching him take those words in and digesting them she added, “But it won’t be me.”

He stepped forward and took her hand giving it a gentle squeeze and bending forward he kissed her cheek, “Get well soon Bern.”

Bernie squeezed his hand back, “Be happy Marcus.”

He nodded once giving her a tight lip smile which didn’t reach his eyes and let go of her hand leaving the room. Bernie knew he wouldn’t be back. They wouldn’t see each other unless it was in relation to their children.

No sooner had her ex-husband left than her fiancée arrived. Bernie groaned inwardly at the annoyed look on Alex’s face. No doubt her fiancée and ex-husband had crossed paths as one left and the other arrived. She really wasn’t in the mood or right frame of mind to have a disagreement over Marcus’ visit with the younger woman. But judging by her body language and the way she dropped her bag on the floor and gave Bernie a quick peck on the lips in the form of a hello.

Pointing to the door and in a cross tone, Alex asked, “What did he want?”

“To talk.” Bernie decided to keep her answer brief.

“About?” Alex wanted information.

Bernie raised an eyebrow at being questioned, “Nothing concerning you.”

“Your ex-husband turns up to talk to you and you say it doesn’t concern me?” Alex wasn’t aware of Bernie’s annoyance because she was building up a head of steam.

Lifting her left hand up Bernie decided to nip this in the bud before it turned into a disagreement, “I can have conversations without informing you! Last I checked I was still an adult with capacity and I do not have to pass everything by you!”

“He’s your ex-husband!” Alex thought that was enough of a reason why the man didn’t have any reason to be visiting her fiancée.

“He’s also the father of my children and we will always have that connection as parents.” Bernie tried not to be annoyed.

“So he was here about Cam or Lottie?” Alex was like a dog with a bone over this.

Sighing Bernie gave and told Alex what she wanted to know, “He wanted us to try again.”

There was silence. The young woman dropped into the chair beside Bernie’s bed and just scoffed, “The arrogant-”

Bernie stopped Alex before she could go any further, “I told him I am not interested.” When Alex opened her mouth to say something Bernie raised her eyebrow in warning that the conversation was over.

Alex leaned forward taking Bernie’s hand and smiled at her fiancée. She was satisfied with Bernie’s answer and decided it was probably best she change the subject now, “How are you feeling?”

Staring down at their joined hands Bernie rubbed her thumb against the back of her fiancée's hand and in a tired voice informed the other woman, “Pain medication is doing its job.”

Tilting her head to the side and watching the blonde closely Alex knew there was more, “I detect abut in there.”

Letting out a small sigh Bernie rolled her head to her left to look directly at Alex. Her expression was serious, “I’m having a lot of dreams.”

“Good dreams or nightmares?” Alex asked cautiously. Bernie had served in a lot of war and disaster zones during her twenty-five-year career and therefore had plenty of material to feed nightmares. Alex had had her share of nasty dreams over the years.

Bernie gave Alex a small but warm smile, “A couple of bad ones. Mostly just good or strange.”

“Do you recognise anyone or anything in them?” Alex probed.

“Yes. You, my children and Ms Campbell.” Bernie was staring at their joined hands again with a faraway look on her face.

“Not so bad then?” Alex offered but sensed there was more.

Bernie’s voice was small, “I-I umm... I remembered the IED.” Looking up into Alex’s blue eyes which were currently showing concern. “You saved my life.”

Alex smiled and nodded, “You would have done the same.”

The two women sat in silence for a moment and then Bernie squeezed her fiancée hand attempting to get her to look at her, “I hope I suitably rewarded you?” She teased in a husky tone.

Alex shook her head, “Unfortunately not. You decided to make a go of your marriage.”

Bernie closed her eyes and squeezed them tight against the pain that information caused her. “Sorry seems such a lame offering.” The blonde muttered.

“We found each other again six months ago.” Alex stood up and leaned over Bernie giving her a light kiss on her lips. When Bernie opened her eyes and smiled at the younger woman Alex concluded with a cheeky wink, “You’ve made up for it over the past six months though.”

Deciding to tell Alex which memories she had started to get back she informed her, “I remembered being on a beach with you and picking a Cyprus Tulip.”

“You pressed it in your journal for, Serena.” Alex informed her in a neutral tone.

“I remember arm-wrestling Serena in an office. HAHA, I let her win.” Bernie chuckled.

“You wouldn’t have let me win!” Alex huffed partly annoyed.

Deciding to ignore the comment Bernie teased Alex, “We’ll always have the Warrior!” And added a wink.

Alex blushed a little and gave Bernie a broad grin, “You remember?”

“I do. Inglorious technicolour and surround sound.” She chortled at the spreading blush crossing Alex’s face.

“Well when you’re fighting fit again we can sneak into barracks on our anniversary and do it again for old times’ sake.” Alex suggested and they both laughed.

“Which anniversary are we going by,” Bernie asked. She genuinely wanted to know.

Alex’s brow furrowed as she thought about her answer, “Umm. You have a point. What do you think?”

Bernie rubbed her thumb against the back of Alex’s hand and in a soft voice offered, “Why not stick to our first time together. The back of a Warrior in Helmand Province. Doesn’t get any more romantic than that!”

Alex scoffed, “My major. Ever the romantic!”

“Who said romance was dead eh? Even in a war zone!” Bernie winked at the younger woman and grinned.

Alex thought the look on her fiancée's face was far too smug for her liking but let it go given the circumstances and stuck to remaining positive, “It's good your memories are returning.”

Bernie nodded her gaze fixed on her thumb moving slowly back and forth across Alex’s knuckles, “It’s a relief. I still have gaps. But I’m hopeful now all the memories will eventually return.”

After Alex left Bernie thought about her visitors. There was Serena popping in several times during the day for things a nurse could take care of. But she admitted to herself that she liked to see the silver-haired woman and would miss her if she didn’t pop in to see her. Then there was Marcus’ visit and finally Alex's visit. She would see Charlotte tomorrow and looked forward to her daughters visit. They were slowly building bridges. With so much on the blonde’s mind, she didn’t have a good night and finally fell asleep in the early hours.

When she next woke up it was to a nurse taking her morning observations. She was disappointed to realise she had slept through Serena Campbell’s dawn visit. During her second week in the hospital, Bernie had started to come out of her sleep to catch a woman’s voice speaking to her and soft caress of fingers against her brow or cheek. But as her eyes opened the woman would already be walking to the door and was soon gone. Bernie knew who it was though. Serena Campbell had an unmistakable velvety voice. By the third week, she would wake during the visit but not let onto the other woman that she was aware of her presence. Over the past two weeks, she had been waking before the other woman arrived but still not letting on to Serena that she was in fact awake. Bernie would lay listening to every word Serena spoke. An electric shock would run through her when Serena held her hand or softly caressed Bernie’s brow or cheek.

Bernie had been pondering Serena’s dawn visits and the numerous visits the silver-haired consultant vascular surgeon made throughout the day. Although she knew she should find Serena’s early morning visits odd, given the fact they had a patient-doctor relationship, the army medic found a comfort she couldn’t explain from the other woman’s presence. Serena Campbell’s voice soothed her and her presence grounded her.

Now each morning she found herself waking early in anticipation of Serena’s arrival. The things the brunette surgeon told her suggested they had some kind of history. A history Bernie was starting to remember in haphazard memories. And then there were all the romantic and intimate dreams she had about Serena Campbell. Were they actually part of her lost memories? If so Serena Campbell meant a great deal to her Bernie concluded.

But then so did Captain Alex Dawson!

Bernie groaned and covered her eyes with her left arm just as the door opened and the object of her dreams and thoughts walked in. Hearing the groan and noticing the blonde covering her eyes with her arm Serena made her way to the foot of the bed retrieving the patient folder. She glanced over the last set of observations taken an hour ago and was satisfied they were all within normal range.

With the file open in her hands Serena looked up at Bernie, “Are you in pain?”

Bernie groaned keeping her eyes covered, “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Serena scribbled some notes onto Bernie’s file and muttered, “There’s no need for a stiff upper lip around here major.” After dropping the file back into the holder at the foot of Bernie’s bed the silver-haired surgeon walked over to Bernie’s morphine IV and altered the dosage a little. “There. That should help.”

Bernie dropped her left arm and looked at the Serena through narrowed eyes, “I would think you are an extremely busy consultant and have better things to be doing rather than visiting me all the time.”

Serena stood back folding her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow. In an authoritative tone, she informed Bernie, “How I allocate my time is my business major.”

Bernie snorted, “As a busy NHS consultant I’m sure your time is under great demand. Yet you visit me a lot.”

Chuckling a little Serena rocked forward on the balls of her feet looking down at the floor and then looked up at Bernie with a smirk on her face, “I’m also the clinical lead of AAU and medical director of this hospital.”

Bernie actually grinned at Serena. Feeling a sense of pride in the other woman and from some of her regained memories, she understood where it came from. Her smile dropped and she looked away. Feeling confused and frustrated over her feelings she mumbled grumpily, “Even more reason you don’t need to be in here so often.”

With a shake of her head Serena responded, “As much as I appreciate your concern about my availability for my other patients let me worry about that.”

“Should I be worried that you’re making so many visits?” Bernie asked warily.

Serena chuckled, “Not at all. Consider yourself a VIP.”

“Model patient, eh?” Bernie retorted with a chuckle.

Serena raised an eyebrow and snorted, “Hardly! But fortunately for you, you’re a much better surgeon than you are a patient.”

Bernie looked at her trying to read the other woman’s features. It was easy because she was an open book unlike herself a closed book, keeping her emotions under a tight rein and behind a high wall. Bernie looked down at her injured hand and muttered, “Was a surgeon.”

Serena could have kicked herself. She only wanted to compliment Bernie and not bring up the blonde’s current predicament. Regarding her friend, with a sympathetic expression, Serena offered, “Things look bleak but we’re still in the early stages of your recovery.”

“Can you guarantee I’ll still be a surgeon when my recovery is complete?” Bernie asked with a grumpy tone. She knew she was being unfair but felt the need to lash out and Serena was the only person currently in firing range.

With a sigh Serena tried to be realistic while retaining some hope, “I. Bern- Major Wolfe. I didn’t mean, that’s to say I’m hopeful but-”

Seeing the crestfallen look on Serena’s face and knowing she had put that look there Bernie took pity on her and cut her off, “It’s too early to tell.”

Letting out a sigh Serena squeezed Bernie’s left shoulder and offered a small smile, “Yes, too early.” Noting the deflated look on the other woman’s face Bernie decided she would give her some good news. Serena would be the first to know her secret, “I- I um, I’ve started to get some memories back, quite a few actually.” Bernie gave Serena a small smile.

Serena rewarded her with a huge smile. “That’s wonderful news.” Serena watched Bernie for a moment feeling utter relief that the blonde’s memories were returning. This made the vascular surgeon’s heart sing for joy.

Bernie nodded basking in the megawatt smile the other woman was giving her. Making Serena smile gave her a warm happy feeling which infused her entire body. The blonde’s attention drifted to her left thumb which she was rubbing off the side of her index finger. In a soft voice, she stated, “We have history.”

Serena’s smile grew. Bernie’s memories really were coming back and they included her. She was so happy she could have done cartwheels down the ward but settled for acknowledging the truth instead, “Yes we do.”

With a furrowed brow Bernie admitted, “I don’t remember. I-I mean I only have some memories, of... Of us.” She looked up at the silver-haired surgeon stood beside her bed.

The smile remained on Serena’s face, “Give it time. I don’t need to tell you the effects of post-concussion syndrome. Your memories will return soon enough.”

Between the dreams and the memories Bernie was having of Serena the blonde had a burning question, “How well do we know each other?”

Serena folded her arms across her chest and cleared her throat before answering, “Very well.” 

“Were we close?” From her dreams and regained memories, Bernie felt they probably were. But she needed confirmation from Serena.

Serena’s voice dropped an octave and nodding confirmed Bernie’s suspicion, “Intimately so.” 

Bernie glanced away and then back at Serena, “We didn’t make it, did we? I’m with Alex now?” 

The smile fell from Serena’s face and she shook her head. “No. We had different needs. Mine here and yours six and half thousand miles away.” Thinking about her next admission Serena let out a small sigh, “We love each other, but love alone wasn’t enough to keep us together. I had responsibilities here and you, you had your trauma centre in Nairobi.” Serena felt that was enough information for now. If Bernie’s memories were returning she would no doubt remember Serena’s betrayal when the silver-haired surgeon had an affair with one of her F1’s, Leah Faulkner. “But you and Alex are back together and engaged.” Serena gave a gracious smile. It hurt to acknowledge Bernie was with Alex. But that was the painful truth and all down to Serena’s bad decisions.

Looking up at the ceiling Bernie agreed, “Yes we are.” With a small chuckle, Bernie added, “I’m sure I will remember who asked who soon enough.” Licking her bottom lip the blonde looked back at Serena from under her messy blonde fringe, “We first met in a car park. You had a cactus alternator.” Pausing for a moment Bernie continued, “Your middle name is Wendy. Your favourite drink is Shiraz.”

Bernie really did remember her. She had believed Bernie when she said her memories were returning. But this was proof that Bernie remembered Serena and remembered them. She wanted to hug her and hold her tight but refrained from doing so. First of all, Bernie was too badly injured for that and secondly, she was someone else’s partner now and it wouldn’t be appropriate. Serena couldn’t keep the grin off her face, “You really do remember me!”

A shy smile played on Bernie’s lips and in a soft husky tone she admitted, “I have a strong feeling I could never really forget you, Serena Wendy Campbell.” Serena let out a nervous chortle and looked away. She tried to discretely wipe away a stray but happy tear that was making a run for it down her left cheek. Watching the silver-haired woman Bernie told her, “You were right. Post-concussion syndrome.”

Serena turned back to look at a smiling Bernie Wolfe. The clinical lead of AAU smirked at her friend leaning her left thigh against the side of the bed, “Of course I was right. I’m always right!” 

Bernie snorted, “Is that so?” With a teasing grin and a glint in her eyes, she asked, “According to who?”

Serena pointed at the blonde, “To quote you, ‘But then she’s always right!’”

“Quite right!” And then there it was Bernie’s goose honking laugh. Serena hadn’t realised just how much she had missed that sound. For the silver-haired woman, it was like the sirens call. She happily joined in laughing along with Bernie. The blonde looked down towards her feet and in a soft voice apologised, “I’m still sorry I ran away to Kiev.”

With a warm smile and a wave of her hand Serena reassured Bernie, “We agreed to draw a line over that. You’ve been forgiven.”

Serena was instantly rewarded when Bernie squeezed her eyes shut and gave her a big smile. It was the blonde’s trademark smile and the one Serena loved to see. It was an adorable smile Serena had only seen directed to her, Bernie’s children, Jason, Greta and Guinevere. It was such a relief to know that not only were Bernie’s memories returning but they included her. Finally some positive progress for her friend. It proved she had been correct in her diagnosis of post-concussion syndrome. 

“Well I had better get back to my other patients. Be nice to the nurses.” Serena told the Bernie.

“I’m always nice!” Bernie replied with a pout.

Serena rolled her eyes and wagged her right index finger at the blonde, “Just see to it that you are. You’re the world’s worst patient Wolfe.” With that said the silver-haired woman patted Bernie’s left shoulder before she turned away and left the room.

Bernie watched Serena leave her room. Her gaze was drawn to the swing of her hips. She had felt lighter and happier in Serena’s presence and now the silver-haired woman was gone the blonde was missing her presence. Still, at least she knew it wouldn’t be long before Serena Campbell would be returning to check on her.


	7. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie is moved to the Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre Stanford Hall. She reflects on her feelings for Alex and Serena and ponders what her future will hold.

AAU, Wyvern Wing, Holby City Hospital, Holby, Wyvern, England 9th September 2019:

Six weeks after her double operation Bernie was steadily recovering although not nearly quick enough for her liking. She was going stir crazy being cooped up in a hospital bed. Throwing the latest copy of the BMJ (British Medical Journal) down on the tray table in front of her Bernie huffed out a frustrated sigh. She had read the journal twice cover to cover including the advertisements in the last two hours. Pushing the fingers of her left hand through her hair to move her floppy fringe out of her eyes she rested her head back on her pillows and stared up at the ceiling.

Bernie was as certain as she could be that Serena ‘bloody’ Campbell had instructed the nurses to keep a close eye on her and report if Bernie attempted to run before she could even stand. Being coddled was a pet hate of the fiercely independent army medic. Looking at the clock another sigh left her when she noted it was only 12 p.m. Turning her head to the door she saw Serena rush past her door in the light blue scrubs synonymous with AAU. The vascular consultant was headed in the direction of AAU’s theatre and by her brisk pace it was most likely an emergency rather than an elective procedure.

Her focus was still fixed on the last spot Serena had occupied when the director of nursing, Adrian ‘Fletch’ Fletcher, walked into the room blocking Bernie’s view of the ward. Bernie blinked and studied him for a second. Remembering operating on the man with Serena Campbell. She smiled and with a snap of her fingers pointed her left index finger at him, “Fletch! I operated on you with Ms Campbell.”

Being aware Bernie’s head injury had caused post-concussion syndrome, resulting in memory loss, he was delighted his friend and former colleague remembered him. Grinning he folded his arms across his chest and walked up to Bernie’s beside, “That you did major. Between you both, you saved my life.”

Bernie grinned at the way he used her rank. “You were stabbed.”

He sighed and regarded his friend with a serious expression, “Yeah. Patient, James Fielding. He had somewhat of an obsession with you. Stabbed me with a screwdriver.”

Bernie licked her lips and nodded at the recollection of the events he mentioned. Her smile broadened, “Fletch. I remember!”

“Alright major. No need to look so pleased,” He teased laughing with her.

What Bernie didn’t share with Fletch was the memory of her sat with Serena Campbell on the theatre floor kissing her and the brunette kissing her back with equal passion. That was the main reason she was smiling so much. “So when should I expect a visit from Guy Self and Ollie Valentine?” She enquired in a jovial manner.

Fletch’s features fell and he let out a sigh and drew his right hand down his face, “Neither of them works here anymore. Guy left under a cloud. He's got a drinking problem amongst other things.”

Bernie raised an eyebrow in surprise, “Ah, shame. Ego aside he’s a brilliant neurosurgeon.” Pondering that information and not being informed of Ollie Valentine Bernie prodded, “And Ollie? He’ll be up on Darwin still working his magic?”

Fletch went a little pale at the mention of the cardiothoracic surgeon. He sucked in a second breath and shook his head, “He doesn’t work here anymore.”

“Been head hunted?” Bernie replied with a chuckle not realising the connotation of what she had said. Noting the glum look on the man’s face Bernie knew the next words out of his mouth wouldn’t be good.

“Mr Hanssen’s son, Fredrik, suffered from depression. He had a breakdown and went on a shooting spree through the hospital. Do you remember Jac Naylor, consultant cardiothoracic surgeon on Darwin and Raf di Lucca surgical registrar on AAU?”

Bernie thought about the two people Fletch had mentioned. Considering her current memory problems Bernie was surprised she did remember them, “Naylor. Redhead. Brusque, no sense of humour. Opinionated but a very talented cardiothoracic surgeon?” Fletch sniggered at Bernie’s description of Jac and nodded, indicating she was correct. Bernie continued, “di Lucca, Raf. Scottish and cheerful. An excellent surgeon.” There was a brief pause, and Bernie added, “He um, he was my friend too.”

Fletch cleared his throat suppressing his emotions at the memory of his best friend. “Fredrik shot Jac Naylor in the flank, Ollie Valentine in the head while he was operating and Raf di Lucca in the neck.” There was a brief moment of silence as Bernie absorbed this information. Fletch continued, “Jac survived. She still works here as a consultant cardiothoracic surgeon. Ollie survived. But with brain damage, he’ll never be able to work as a surgeon or practice any medicine again.” Fletch swallowed a couple of times and looked down at his feet and managed to get out in a croaked voice, “Raf, was killed.”

Silence descended on the room. Both Bernie and Fletch feeling deeply moved by the loss of the friendly Scottish doctor. Fletch missed his friend as much today as he did the day his friend was murdered. Looking up at the tall bearded man Bernie offered her condolence, “What a waste. I’m so sorry, Fletch.” Bernie couldn’t remember this attack but knew at some point the memories of Fredrik’s attack on the hospital would return and she wanted to be ready for them. “Was I here?” 

Fletch shook his head in the negative, “No. You left four months before the attack. After they closed your trauma unit down you joined Serena in the south of France. Then you re-joined the army and were in Nairobi when Fredrik attacked the hospital.” His grin crept back and it reached his eyes again. He nodded at her, “Not that that did you any good!” When Bernie raised an eyebrow he added with a chuckle, “How many times are we gonna put you back together major?”

Bernie welcomed the humour and glanced down at her injured right hand and leg, “Well if Ms Campbell and Mr Hanssen have given me bionic capabilities I’ll probably not need your services anymore.”

They both chuckled. “Sorry I ‘avn’t been to see you before now. Between work and the Fletching’s it’s been-”

Bernie tilted her head to one side and waved off his comment with a flick of her left hand, “No apology needed Fletch.” She smiled at him to reassure she had not been offended by his absence and added with a chuckle and a wink, “In fairness, if you’d visited me any sooner I wouldn’t have known who you were anyway.”

Fletch laughed enjoying her dry sense of humour. He had missed her a lot more than he realised. His grin widened, “Blame it all on Ms Karnik and Guy Self. If they hadn’t closed your trauma unit you’d have been here safe and sound and not dodging bullets, bombs and rocket launchers in Somalia!”

With a derisive sniff Bernie replied, “Well, in that case, Guy Self, isn’t so great after all!”

Fletch grinned, “With you on that major.”

They chatted for a few more minutes before Fletch told Bernie he was really happy to see her but he should get back to work. As he left he assured her he would be back to visit again very soon. Bernie told him she would hold him to that.

To Bernie’s surprise no sooner had Fletch left than Serena Campbell walked into her room. She stopped in the doorway briefly with her head turned in the direction Fletch had taken and watched him walk away. Turning to look at Bernie with a raised eyebrow and questioning expression she walked forward.

With an indignant expression Bernie huffed, “What?”

Serena stopped beside Bernie’s bed folding her arms over her chest, “Tell me you two aren’t concocting some elaborate great escape?”

Bernie looked genuinely affronted and pointed to her leg, “How the bloody hell am I to make an escape in my condition?”

Serena snorted, “The Berenice Wolfe I know wouldn’t let life-threatening injuries stop her from getting outside for a cigarette. That’s why I don’t trust you.”

Bernie glared at Serena. She was in pain but refused to admit this considering such an admission to be a sign of weakness. She was bored beyond belief, worried about what the future held for her and concerned that her feelings for Serena were making it hard for her to be here. She remembered the declaration Serena gave her in the foyer of the hospital, telling her she couldn’t imagine a life without her.

But six months later she was ceremoniously dumped over slippers, bins and swings. Bernie was beginning to understand the meaning of ‘ignorance is bliss’ and wondered if getting all her memories back was such a good thing after all. Now being accused of subterfuge she felt the fight go out of her and the fatigue return with an increasing headache, another symptom of her post-concussion syndrome.

“Perhaps I’m not the same woman you knew.” Bernie mumbled and turned her head to look at the wall to her right.

Serena snorted, “Of course you’re the same woman. You’re just bored and when you’re bored you’re dangerous.” When Bernie turned her head back towards Serena she locked eyes with her.

“You know me too well.” Bernie gave her friend a small smile.

Serena sat on the side of the bed and took Bernie’s left hand holding it between her own, “It won’t be much longer before you’re out of bed and back on your feet again.” Studying Bernie’s face Serena paused and added with a soft smile, “Patience, whilst not a virtue of yours, is certainly a virtue you should become acquainted with.”

Bernie nodded and offered another small smile which didn’t reach her eyes. Serena was concerned and enquired, “This isn’t just about boredom is it?” Bernie dropped her gaze down to her lap and shook her head in the negative. Serena squeezed her hand and shook it a little, “Look at me.” After a couple of seconds, Bernie turned her head back towards Serena and looked at her. “You can talk to me. You can trust me.”

Bernie nodded and gave Serena a small smile, “I do.”

Serena hadn’t missed the exhaustion or pain in Bernie’s eyes. From the morphine, Bernie was prescribed she knew the pain she could see was as much psychological as it was physical. Serena wanted to get Bernie to talk but she was interrupted by Lou, one of AAU’s nurses, with the blood and scan results Serena had rushed through for a patient awaiting abdominal surgery. It was obvious Bernie’s spirits were deflated. Serena didn’t want to leave her like this but she was needed on the ward. Reluctantly she reached out and squeezed Bernie’s upper left arm in a consoling manner. When Bernie nodded her understanding Serena reluctantly left.

Alone once again Bernie glanced at the clock on the wall and noted the time, 12:40 p.m. She sighed in boredom. An hour later she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. It was far from a peaceful sleep. It was a restless and fitful slumber. The nightmare which had plagued her since coming out of her sedation was back with a vengeance. To start with it had been fragments of memories around the IED her Land Rover hit in Helmand Province in 2016. Those fragments quickly became full technicolour memories which over the past couple of weeks had evolved from the IED in Helmand Province into dreaming about the recent bomb attack on the military hospital in Mogadishu.

The end of the dreams always ended with her right hand being useless. She couldn’t hold a pen let alone a scalpel. Her leg never fully heals and she is either left with a severe limp or confined to a wheelchair. The combined result meant she was no longer able to serve in the army or work as a surgeon. The dream was vivid and Bernie flinched in pain and cried out in fear. Her body twitched and although her leg was in a splint she moved abruptly rattling the frame and woke with a gasp and cry of pain in a disoriented state before eventually drifting back to sleep twenty minutes later.

It was 5 p.m. before Serena had a chance to return to Bernie. She was determined to raise her friend’s spirits but as she made her way to the side room she was stopped by Donna at the nurse’s station. Her senior nurse requested two discharge forms be signed. Serena was handing the forms back to Donna when she heard Bernie moaning and talking in her sleep. Looking into the room she could see Bernie was in a fitful sleep. Donna offered to go but Serena waved the nurse off telling her she would see to Bernie.

Serena rushed into Bernie’s room. Placing her hands on both of her friend’s shoulders she tried to keep Bernie still and reassured her, “Relax, you’re safe, Bernie. Try not to move.” Bernie’s body stilled and as she woke she looked around frantically in a dazed state. Serena stroked her left arm reassuringly watching Bernie come back to the present.

Bernie winced biting her bottom lip in pain and let out a deep groan. Her left hand gripped the sheet bunching it in a tight fist. The sudden movements from her nightmare had caused deep pulsating pain in her hand and leg. She squeezed her eyes shut and groaned again letting out a hiss. Serena knew Bernie had to be in a lot of pain because the woman would never admit or show she was in pain unless it was very bad. Serena watched as Bernie’s left thumb pressed down on her PCA pump twice administering IV morphine into her body. Within a couple of minutes, she began to relax and settle.

Still rubbing Bernie’s left shoulder Serena enquired, “Bad dream?”

Bernie opened her eyes and rolled her head to the left to look at Serena. She nodded and looked away with a slight blush of embarrassment in her cheeks. Serena squeezed her shoulder “None of that now. This isn’t the first nightmare I’ve had to wake you from.”

When Bernie lifted her gaze back to meet Serena’s she was met with a warm smile and there was no mistaking the love reflected in the eyes studying her. Tilting her head to the right Serena enquired, “Better?”

Bernie’s smile widened and reaching for Serena’s hand she held on to it feeling grounded and safe in the other woman’s presence. “Much,” She croaked out on a dry throat.

Alex arrived and paused in the doorway taking in the scene before her. Serena’s back was to her but she had a clear view of Bernie and the love in her fiancée's eyes reflected at Serena. Her heart ached at the sight and a natural surge of jealousy coursed through her. She had only been back with Bernie a matter of months. Rapping her knuckles against the door frame she announced her arrival. Serena and Bernie dropped their joined hands, “Hey you.” Bernie smiled at the approaching woman.

“Hello yourself,” Alex ignored Serena and walked right up to Bernie and leaned in to plant a loving kiss on her lips. Serena looked away as the women shared a loving kiss. Alex studied Bernie’s features and gently stroked her cheek, “You look tired?”

Bernie smiled and croaked out, “I’m fine.” Nodding in Serena’s direction she added, “Serena’s been a big help.”

Not able to politely ignore Serena any further Alex turned her head and acknowledged her presence with a tight smile. Serena took that as her signal to leave and wished them both a good night before leaving the two women alone. Turning back to Bernie, Alex sighed inwardly when she saw Bernie staring after Serena with a lost look in her eyes.

***

It was mid-afternoon the following day when Serena and Donna walked into Bernie’s room to remove the traction and plaster casts from her left hand and leg. Bernie was relieved to finally be released from what she had come to consider her shackles which kept her trapped in the room. Moving her hand a little she tried to move her fingers and hissed when a sharp pain ran through her hand. Suddenly Bernie had the utmost respect for the soldiers she had put into similar traction.

Serena raised an eyebrow, “Why not wait for the physio to start before you undo all my excellent work?” Bernie looked up from under her fringe and regarded Serena with an apologetic expression and cradled her hand against her chest. Serena chuckled walking to the foot of the bed and pulled Bernie’s notes from the holder. She addressed Bernie while making some notes on the patient report form. “You might well look sorry. But you’re the one who’ll suffer if you push yourself too soon and too hard.”

Bernie smirked, “Yes Fräulein.”

Serena’s smile dropped when she thought about tomorrow, “You’re off to pastures new tomorrow.”

Bernie nodded slowly dropping her gaze to her lap, “Yes. Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre Stanford Hall.”

Serena was going to miss Bernie. The six weeks she had been back having flown by. Trying to be upbeat and positive she told her friend, “I’m sure they’ll have you back on your feet in no time.” 

Bernie looked directly at Serena and offered her a coy smile, “All thanks to you.”

A blush covered Serena’s cheeks and with a slight shake of her head she tried to play down her part, “Oh, I didn’t do anything any other surgeon wouldn’t have done.”

But Bernie wasn’t having any of that knowing first hand just how talented a surgeon Serena Campbell is, “I doubt that. If,” Bernie held her right hand out, “If I, umm, if I get the use of my hand back. That’s down to you, S’rena.”

Serena’s blushed deepened at the praise from Bernie as much as from the way Bernie softly said her name, “As much as I love to receive praise I can’t accept credit for something which will be a team effort with your physiotherapists, occupational therapists and yourself putting the work in.” 

Bernie’s smile was warm and she nodded twice, “Ok.”

Serena dropped the patient file back into the holder at the foot of Bernie’s bed. Folding her arms across her chest she studied Bernie for a moment watching her patient and friend wriggle in the bed, sigh and lick her lips. Serena knew Bernie far too well and suspected she knew what the problem was. “Out with it!” Serena commanded.

Bernie huffed, “I need a cigarette.”

Serena considered her options. Bernie, for the most part, had been a good sport for the past six weeks. Bernie’s preferred method to destress was smoking a cigarette. And it was a fair assumption that Bernie was currently under a lot of stress with her injuries and the possible long term effect they would have on her. Serena couldn’t deny her something which would help calm her. “Far from condoning your bad habit, and not wishing to break NHS and hospital no-smoking policies on hospital grounds, I’ll ask a porter to discreetly wheel you out to the side of Wyvern wing out of sight. One cigarette. Then straight back.” Watching the triumphant smile spread across Bernie’s face Serena demanded, “One cigarette! Understood?” Bernie nodded in agreement.

“I wouldn’t look so smug. Jason will be your porter and we both know he’ll give you his opinion on the perils of smoking tobacco!” Serena smirked at the deflated look crossing Bernie’s face. There would be no extra cigarette or being out longer than necessary with Jason chaperoning her. When Serena reached the door she called back to Bernie, “He told me he only has two aunts and he needs to look after us!”

Bernie was more than touched at the knowledge Jason still cared for her and viewed her as an aunt. She cared very much for the young man and had a strong bond with him. It was only fifteen minutes later when Jason arrived with a wheelchair with leg support. Between Donna, Lou and Jason they got Bernie into the chair. A light blue hospital blanket was placed on her lap and arranged so it covered both her legs. Bernie raised an eyebrow and disgruntled huffed, “I’m not old and decrepit!” 

“No. You’re recovering from blast injuries and major surgery.” Donna chided Bernie. The look Bernie bestowed on the senior nurse spoke of Bernie’s annoyance. Her glare was the stuff of legend. It had sent seasoned military officers scurrying from her presence and reduced junior doctors quivering wrecks. But Donna stood her ground knowing she held the trump card. “I believe this is yours, major?” 

Bernie’s glare dropped the instant she saw the Holby City grey hoodie being held up. “Is that really mine?”

Donna handed over the hoodie with a smug grin, “Certainly is.”

Bernie was sure she had handed this in or had she left it in the consultant’s office when she left for Nairobi. She couldn’t remember. Pulling it to her face she sniffed it. There were faint traces of her perfume but a stronger scent clung to the fabric. It was Serena’s perfume.

Donna caved when Bernie locked eyes with her and blurted out, “Ms Campbell thought you might find the temperature outside a bit chilly considering you’ve been in Somalia and a warm hospital room for months.”

“That’s very thoughtful of her. But where has this come from?” Bernie held her old hospital hoodie up.

Donna glanced towards the door nervously expecting her boss to walk in on the conversation at any moment, “You left it on the coat rack in the office. Serena kept it in her bottom drawer.” Pausing for a moment to take in the soft smile on Bernie’s face Donna sighed, “She, umm, she has her moments where things get too much for her. That’s when I’ve found her in the office holding your hoodie.”

“Oh,” Was all Bernie could offer and felt a wave of love surge through her. With Donna’s help, she put the familiar grey hoodie on and instructed the nurse to tie the drawstrings together into a bow.

Jason leaned down taking the brakes off the wheelchair, “Auntie Serena won’t admit she was wrong ending your relationship.” He turned the chair to face the door, “But I heard her tell Ric and Fletch in Albie’s, after two bottles of wine, that her biggest regret was letting you go.” He let that hang in the air saying no more and pushed Bernie through the door.

Clutching a packet of cigarettes and her battered silver lighter in her left hand Bernie pushed both hands into the muff on the front of her hoodie. A creeping sense of regret filled her heart. Allowing Serena to end their relationship had been her biggest regret. The only way she had dealt with that regret was knowing it was what Serena wanted. But now knowing Serena regretted ending their relationship had rocked her resolve and she didn’t know what to do about it. Or that there was even anything that could be done seen as she was now engaged to Alex.

Serena glanced up as Bernie was wheeled passed her open office door. Their eyes briefly met and Bernie gave Serena a big smile accompanied by a wink. Serena returned the smile. Being on the receiving end of a Bernie Wolfe smile made breaking hospital rules so worth it. Besides what was the point of being a senior consultant and medical director if you couldn’t use that power for your own advantage or in this case the advantage of someone you love. The space Bernie had occupied was now empty, just like her heart had been since the split with the greatest love of her life. Although Serena reminded herself that her heart had never actually been empty because it was always full of love for Bernie. Sighing Serena returned to the paperwork in front of her and was grateful for the distraction it brought from the turmoil her emotions were causing.

***

Donna put her head around the door frame of Serena’s office and with a big smile informed her boss, “The army’s here for Major Wolfe.” Serena nodded and followed Donna to the nurse’s station where two army medics stood with a stretcher. She had known from the moment Bernie left the military ward at the Cypriot hospital this day would come. The agreement had been once Bernie was stable and recovered from her operations she would be transferred to the DMRC (Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre) Stanford Hall in Nottinghamshire.

There she would receive all the rehabilitation required to get her back on her feet from experienced Royal Army Medical Corps doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, occupational therapists and counsellors specialising in military-related psychological disorders. Her military colleagues would continue the work her former NHS colleagues had started.

Serena was relieved Bernie was well enough to be transferred to DMRC Stanford Hall but she also regretted it. More so because she had yet to break through Bernie’s obvious low mood and had hoped to do so today, but two emergency operations had prevented it, and now she was off to the DMRC Stanford Hall it would be delayed further. Serena followed them into the room.

Bernie returned the salute the two junior medics gave her and regarded them with a smile. “Don’t drop me lads or Ms Campbell will have you down and doing fifty press-ups.” Everyone chuckled at the remark including Serena.

Once Bernie was on the army stretcher the back was raised so she could sit up a little and her morphine drip attached. Serena placed the blanket over her carefully tucking it around her legs. Bernie grinned at her friend grabbing her hand and squeezed it. They stared at each other and were jolted out of their bubble when the stretcher began moving being wheeled out of the room. Serena walked beside Bernie all the way to the lifts outside of AAU. One of the army medics pressed the button calling the lift to their floor.

With a firm squeeze of Bernie’s hand Serena gave her friend a sad smile, “This is as far as I go I’m afraid.”

Bernie nodded in understanding. Her smile was small and reflected her own sadness at having to leave Serena. “Will, you, ah, will you, umm, visit me?” Bernie asked in a tentative tone.

Serena’s smile widened, “Just try and keep me away.” That earned her a big smile from Bernie which lit her face up.

Serena bent forward and went to kiss Bernie on the cheek at the same time Bernie went to do the same. Their problem came down to timing. They ended up pressing their lips against each other’s and shared a soft kiss which sent a bolt of electricity through both of them. Their bubble was broken when a ping announced the lift had arrived and the doors opened. When Bernie was pushed into the lift their entwined fingers were pulled apart and slid across each other’s palms until the pads of their fingers briefly touched and then separated. Bernie was in the lift and the doors closed.

Serena stood looking at the lift touching her lips and wondering what had just happened. Her heart hammered at the familiar taste and touch of Bernie’s lips on hers. Bernie meanwhile was being wheeled out to the army ambulance with her left arm over her eyes inwardly moaning “Well done Wolfe! You’ve gone and done it now!”

***

Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre Stanford Hall, Stanford on Soar, Nottinghamshire, England, 23rd September 2019:

In the rolling Nottinghamshire countryside, close to the county border with Leicestershire, sat the imposing Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre Stanford Hall. Having been opened in October 2018 it was the largest collection of classical buildings built in the UK since architect Edwin Lutyens era. In order to create the right environment to help in the successful treatment and rehabilitation of patients the building is unique in the significant role, its architecture plays alongside medicine and technology. DMRC Stanford Hall puts patients first, from the choice of the site and landscape to the innovative approach and attention to detail that has been incorporated into the architecture of its buildings.

The end result meant DMRC Stanford Hall was likely to become one of the world’s best clinical rehabilitation centres for the armed forces, and once the adjacent National Rehabilitation Centre opened that too would be one of the best in the world for the nation, both rehabilitation centres were conveniently located in the centre of the country making them accessible for those who needed treatment there.

Serena parked in the visitor car park and took a leisurely walk to the main entrance of DMRC Stanford Hall. Taking her time she absorbed her surroundings and admired the building’s design and classical architecture. Once inside the building, it was clear to Serena the design and architecture of the building had been carefully thought out to match very precisely to the clinical needs of patients and best rehabilitation practice. 

Through the windows lining the corridor leading from main reception Serena spotted carefully crafted courtyards which served both a clinical purpose as well as being pleasing in their own right. There were social spaces, places for relaxation and doing all of those things that serving members of the armed forces would associate with their ship, regiment or air station. The building had a feel of a military establishment but patients and visitors alike knew immediately it is a very special place.

Serena was impressed. It was evident a lot of thoughtfulness had gone into marrying ascetics with functionality in this building and in doing so the architect had successfully achieved a very unique medical facility. It gave her the reassurance she hadn’t realised she’d been looking for. That Bernie was receiving the best care possible with the added bonus that it was taking place in a beautiful setting. Coming towards her was a young man being escorted by a physiotherapist. He had a white cane he moved back and forth. Around the next corner, she came upon her destination, the day room.

It was a crisp autumn day with a watery winter sun sitting low in the sky. Bernie sat in a wheelchair in the day room. Within a day of arriving at DMRC Stanford Hall Bernie’s doctor and physiotherapist agreed she could get out of bed and use a wheelchair, which a healthcare assistant or other staff members would have to push her in until her right hand was strong enough to use or she was able to get enough strength in her leg to not need the chair at all.

Dressed in her burgundy coloured regimental sweatshirt and jogging pants she watched other patients, other military personnel, waking and/or being pushed in wheelchairs across the Integrated Treatment Zone, known as Barclay Square, a large inner courtyard with raised flower beds and bench seating. At one end was a statue of Sir Robert Jones. Bernie watched the group of three servicemen and two servicewomen enter the Royal British Legion Complex Trauma gym. She had spent the morning in there and the memory brought on an aching in her right hand and leg. Her physiotherapist had promised she’d have a session in the hydrotherapy pool tomorrow afternoon. 

Bernie was as bored here as she had been at Holby City hospital. Only it was worse here because she was constantly being reminded of what she was losing, both her military and surgical career. She huffed and with her hands joined and resting in her lap she rolled her head on her shoulders trying to get rid of the increasing knot between her shoulder blades. Her nostrils flared slightly as a familiar perfume hit her nose. She rolled her head to her left and opened her eyes pinning Serena Campbell to the spot with a withering glare. “You said you’d visit, Campbell!”

Shaking her head Serena dropped her bag to the floor next to a vacant chair beside Bernie and replied tersely, “I’m doing that now aren’t I?” Removing her coat she folded it over the back of her chair and sat down with a huff.

Bernie snorted, “I’ve been here two weeks!”

Looking at Bernie with a warm smile Serena tried to placate her, “Thought it best to let you settle in.”

Bernie sniffed in an indignant manner, “I’m not a bloody Labrador!”

Serena hadn’t wanted to start an argument. She was tired having worked most of the day and called in a favour with Ric to cover her last two hours of her shift so she could visit Bernie. The journey had taken a little over two hours and she would have to make it again to get home tonight. She had missed Bernie and been looking forward to seeing her best friend and had hoped Bernie would be pleased to see her, “Sorry. I just-”

Ever since their accidental kiss two weeks previously Bernie had been fretting that she had scared Serena away. “Was it the kiss? I hadn’t meant to kiss you.” Bernie blurted out and instantly regretted it when she saw hurt flash across Serena’s face, “Not that you’re not kissable. Just that I hadn’t intended to-”

Serena snorted cutting Bernie’s ramblings off, “Hardly. It’s not the first time we’ve kissed. I happen to have been busy with work and helping Jason and Greta.”

Bernie knew Serena was putting on a brave front. Noticing the tired look on her face and the slump of her shoulders Bernie realised she was being ridiculous and making Serena feel unwelcome. “Sorry. Been a desert around here as far as visitors go. Bored out of my mind.”

Serena frowned, “I thought Cameron, Charlotte and Alex were visiting you?” She had stayed away to allow the aforementioned people time to visit Bernie.

Noticing Serena’s frown Bernie explained, “Cam and Lottie have managed one visit each. They’re both working hard getting their careers off the ground. Alex has been half a dozen times. She’s had to agree to a temporary posting at the Royal Centre for Defence Medicine at Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham. It was that or return to Mogadishu.”

Serena nodded in understanding and inwardly chastised herself for not calling Bernie to see if she was getting visitors and if she needed anything. Serena had desperately wanted to visit her friend but had stayed away allowing for her to settle into the DMRC and not wanting to take visiting time away from Bernie’s children or fiancée. She was annoyed to know she could have visited several times before today.

Bernie studied Serena for a moment. “I’ve missed your early morning visits. Corporal Higgins doesn’t hold the same appeal. He tries his best though.”

Serena chuckled very glad to hear Bernie had been missing her. The long drive had been worth it, “Ah well poor chap doesn’t know you bat for the other side.”

Bernie side-eyed Serena from under her unruly fringe with a mischievous smirk, “He does since last Monday after he walked in on Alex kissing me, HAHA!”

“And there it is,” Serena thought loving the sound of Bernie’s unique laugh which resembled a honking goose. Serena chuckled relishing the sound she missed so much. But the mention of Alex Dawson kissing Bernie caused a deep stabbing pain to manifest itself in her chest. Serena pushed it deep down because she had no right to be jealous of Alex. She was Bernie’s fiancée and the fault for that laid with Serena herself because she had pushed Bernie away and into the arms of another woman.

Bernie pointed behind her, “I’d be a better hostess if I had full use of my hand and leg. Would you mind getting the drinks in?”

Looking in the direction Bernie was pointing Serena saw tea and coffee laid out on a table. With a smile, she stood grateful for the distraction from her aching heart for a moment. Returning a few minutes later Serena passed Bernie her coffee and after taking her seat again she took a sip from her own cup. Both women fell into a familiar and companionable silence. Serena sipped her coffee humming in happiness.

Bernie grinned at her, “Strong and hot just as you like it?”

With a sideways glance and a cheeky smirk Serena’s flirtatious retort was out of her mouth before she could stop herself, “You know me major. I always like it strong and hot!”

Bernie snorted and the sip of coffee she was taking almost went down her nose, “I certainly do, Ms Campbell. Good to know your tastes haven’t changed.”

“Not as far as coffee and wine are concerned, no.” Seeing Bernie’s right eyebrow rise in question Serena added with a chuckle, “I’ve acquired a more select taste in other aspects of my life.”

Bernie’s voice dropped to a soft lower register and from under her fringe she kept her eyes locked with Serena’s, “Such as?”

Serena’s eyes sparkled with merriment and in a flirtatious tone, she stated, “Oh no. I’m not divulging that. A girl’s got to have some secrets to make her interesting.” There was no way Serena Campbell could admit to the love of her life that she was the acquired taste. That Serena hadn’t been able to move on and didn’t see herself dating again for some time. And if or when she did she knew it would always be second best compared to the love she held for Berenice Griselda Wolfe.

Bernie lifted her head tilting it to the right and regarded Serena with a warm smile which reached her tired eyes. Her voice still a low timber and soft, “You don’t need anything to make you interesting, S’rena.” Serena dropped her gaze to the coffee cup she held in her left hand resting on the arm of her chair and cleared her throat. She had to change the subject. But Bernie was speaking again in a familiar stutter, “Ar- Are you, umm, seeing anyone?”

Serena merely shook her head in the negative unable to look Bernie in the eye for fear her resolve would crumble and the truth would come out. A truth Bernie didn’t need to hear or bare. Being single was Serena’s penance and she would bear it to the bitter end. Bernie had found happiness with Alex and reconnected with her children. Serena was not going to upset that apple cart. She loved Bernie dearly and wanted her to be happy.

Bernie finished her coffee and leaned forward putting the cup on the table. She reached her left hand over and took her friend's right hand entwining their fingers together. The action caused a pleasant tingling sensation to radiate through each woman’s body. Serena looked up into Bernie’s soft brown eyes and instantly both women were grinning at each other. 

Bernie knew she shouldn’t feel relieved that her best friend was single, although she was very relieved because she couldn’t do anything about that. They were exes and Bernie was engaged to Alex and Serena deserved to be happy. That’s when she realised although she had physically left Serena seven months ago she hadn’t emotionally left her. The major in her head stated firmly, “Be brave, Wolfe. You’ve made your choice. Let her go.”

Swallowing hard against the dry lump in her throat Bernie spoke in the soft low timber Serena recognised as Bernie showing her vulnerable side. She looked up into Bernie’s eyes only to find them looking down at her lap. “You deserve to be happy, Serena. You should get back out there.” 

First Serena dropped her gaze to her lap and then she withdrew her hand from Bernie’s grasp. She took a shuddering breath and muttered, “Moving on is easier for some than others.” There was a bite to her tone she hadn’t really intended but acknowledged to herself that was self-pity. Feeling hurt at the knowledge Bernie had moved on at a great pace with her life. Fallen in love again and was engaged to be married. The voice in Serena’s head was frustration, “Oh for heaven’s sake! This is your doing. You pushed her away. She deserves to be happy. Now be a good friend and accept she is happy with Alex!”

Unnoticed by Serena, Bernie flinched at the barbed remark, “Is that what you think I’ve done?”

Serena did a double-take, “What?”

Bernie mumbled, “Easily moved on from us?”

Serena could have kicked herself for the comment, “No! It was an off the cuff remark. Ignore it. I’m happy for you.”

Bernie wasn’t convinced and in a louder tone stated, “Really? It seems you’re upset that I’m in a relationship and you’re not.”

Serena sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, “Let’s not do this now or here.”

Bernie leaned back in her chair and with a wave of her left hand stated flatly, “When and where else are we going to do it?”

Serena was determined not to bite at Bernie’s terse tone, “Bernie, I came to see you and spend time with my best friend. Not argue with you.”

Bernie softened her tone but with a raised eyebrow enquired, “Why aren’t you dating, Serena?”

Serena felt judged and she instantly resented it. In a biting tone she snapped, “How did you go from ‘I’ll wait for eternity for you’ to be in a relationship within three months of our relationship ending?”

Bernie’s eyes went wide, “What? Are you serious?”

Serena stuck to her guns and stared at Bernie, “Nevermore so!”

Bernie snorted, “You ended our relationship. You didn’t want me!”

Serena raised her voice and stated emphatically, “I never stopped wanting you!”

That took the wind out of Bernie’s sails, “Oh.”

“I thought you were being nice over the affair and eventually you’d have come to resent me. So I ended our relationship because you deserve to be happy and I didn’t want to live wondering if today would be the day you walked away.” Serena’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment at mentioning her infidelity.

Bernie shook her head and dropped her own gaze to her lap. Her voice was once again soft with a sadness tainting it, “I meant every word. I don’t condone what you did, but I accept the long-distance relationship played a part in you having the affair. I want you to be happy. I meant what I said when we parted, because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be lonely.”

Serena looked up, “Oh.” Feeling her heart aching she asked, “Is that why you’re with Alex?” 

Bernie looked up at Serena and nodded her head twice, “Partly, yes. I do love her Serena.” Bernie knew she would always be in touch with Serena but she didn’t think she would see her that often and therefore when Alex walked back into her life it had been an easy decision to reunite with her. A convenient distraction if she was honest with herself.

Serena kept her voice steady and firmly stated, “Never doubted it.”

“Alex fills the part of my heart that was already hers. I’ve never stopped caring about her.” Bernie paused and licked her lips in thought, “The love I have for Alex doesn’t encroach or eclipse the love I have for you,” Bernie shifted in her chair and mumbled, “Quite the opposite.”

If she thought her last comment had been missed by Serena she was wrong. The other woman had heard every word and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Instead, she settled for, “What a bloody mess!”

Bernie chuckled, “Communication is our weakest skill. Or at least it’s mine.”

Serena offered a small smile and admitted, “Where you’re concerned its mine too.”

Bernie hadn’t given up getting an answer to her question, “So the reason you’re still single?” 

“Nothing can top the greatest love affair of my life. So what’s the point?” Serena watched the raised eyebrow Bernie gave her suddenly drop with the realisation of what Serena was saying.

Taking Serena’s right hand in her left she gave it a firm squeeze and regarded her friend with a soft expression, “The point my dear Serena, is that you could be happy with someone else. Might not be what we had together. But it can still be good, loving and companionable.” It felt so wrong to her to be encouraging Serena to date someone else. But Bernie knew it was the right thing to do for the woman she loved dearly.

Serena shrugged and tried to assure Bernie her decision was final, “Maybe one day. I’m just not in that place right now.”

Bernie dipped her head and licked her bottom lip, “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Serena looked up unaware Bernie had anything to apologise for.

Staring at their entwined fingers Bernie absentmindedly rubbed her thumb against Serena’s hand. When she finally answered her voice remained soft and low, “Not fighting for you. Not being brave enough to fight for us... I thought you didn’t want me and that was the reason for the affair.” 

Serena immediately corrected Bernie’s assumption, “NO!” Bernie jumped slightly at the raised volume of her friend’s voice, “I wanted you. The affair was the combination of loneliness and libido getting the better of me. No excuses. I acted appallingly and for that, I’m truly sorry. I bear sole responsibility for my infidelity.”

Bernie kept her gaze on their hands, “You didn’t have to bear any price other than never to do it again. To commit to us to work together and make our relationship work.”

Serena sighed, “We make a right pair. I hit self-destruct. You run.”

Bernie finally looked up giving Serena a small commiserating smile, “A match made in heaven.” 

Serena nodded and swallowed the dry lump in her throat, “We were the perfect match for each other.”

Bernie nodded in agreement, “Unfortunately for us love just wasn’t enough.” She rolled her head on her shoulders and winched in pain.

“Back?” Serena asked already knowing the answer.

Bernie mumbled a yes and lifted her left hand to rub the back of her neck groaning at the pain radiating from the base of her neck where she had previously sustained an unstable C5/C6 neck fracture and traumatised disc. Surgery by Guy Self had been successful in fixing the fracture and disc. However, Bernie often suffered from upper back pain as a result of the injury.

Pointing at her friend Serena enquired, “I thought you were having physiotherapy?”

Bernie croaked out, “I am. On my hand and leg.”

Nodding towards Bernie Serena advised, “You should ask them to look at your back.”

With a slight shake of her head Bernie regarded Serena with a cheeky grin, “I’m fussy about who puts their hands on me.”

Before Bernie knew what was happening Serena was out of her chair and standing behind her. With her hands on Bernie’s shoulders, she leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Lean forward and let me work my magic.” The shiver that shot through Bernie’s body wasn’t missed by Serena.

Bernie blushed wishing Serena would work her magic on her. But quickly chased those thoughts away with a reminder to herself she was engaged to Alex. Her body relaxed under Serena’s administrations. Strong talented fingers pressed into Bernie’s neck and shoulders as they kneaded the sore muscles beneath them. Serena smiled as Bernie began to go limp and from slightly parted lips soft moans filled the air around them. Serena’s touch had always had a magical effect on Bernie. She was an expert at working out knots and kinks which often formed in Bernie’s neck and upper back, all a result of injuries she sustained after Land Rover hit an IED in Afghanistan in 2016.

Feeling the tight hard knots popping and almost fizzing under her touch Serena chastised Bernie, “No wonder you’re in pain. You’re full of knots!”

“You need to visit me more often then.” Bernie muttered with a slight chuckle.

“I will make sure that I do.” Serena smiled and tramped down on the desire raising its head in her core. “Medicinal, Campbell. Purely medicinal,” She told herself.

Before either woman realised the time a young male army medic walked into the dayroom and stood at attention beside Bernie and saluted her. “Would you like dinner in the mess hall or your room major?”

Bernie smiled at him and raised her right hand to attempt to return the salute as best she could, “Neither, corporal.”

“She’ll have it in her room. Pudding and a cup of tea with it.” Serena requested stepping back from Bernie.

The young man hesitated and looked between Bernie and Serena. Bernie decided to put him out of his misery, “You’d better do as she says. Otherwise, she’ll give me hell.” When the young man moved around behind her chair Bernie huffed, “Seriously Corporal Higgins? I was eight when my mother stopped tucking me in.” Turning to Serena she pointed with her left hand at the young man behind her, “This is Corporal Higgins. Corporal this is my dear friend, Serena.”

Serena and Corporal Higgins gave each other a silent acknowledgement with a nod and a smile. Leaning down the corporal released the brakes on each side of Bernie’s wheelchair. Serena picked her bag up and took her coat from the back of her chair. Bernie held her left hand out to Serena, “Walk with me?”

Serena could never refuse Bernie anything and nodded her consent. Corporal Higgins manoeuvred the wheelchair out of the dayroom with Bernie holding onto Serena’s hand all the way to her room. Once there Corporal Higgins helped Bernie onto her bed. With the back of her bed elevated and pillows arranged Bernie settled back and huffed out a grateful sigh of relief to be laying down. Corporal Higgins informed her he would be back shortly with her dinner.

Serena glanced around the room. It was large enough to manoeuvre the bed or a stretcher in an out of it. The room was furnished with the typical powered hospital bed, anti-pressure mattress, bedside locker, tray table and an easy chair for visitors. Due to the long stay most patients were expected to make the room was also fitted out with a wardrobe on one side of the window and a small desk on the other.

A 15 inch TV was provided on an extendable arm attached to the wall above the bed. The TV could be pulled with one hand to the left or right to move it out of the way. There was also a hand hoist attached to the ceiling above the bed in case Bernie needed to pull herself up. A large window was on the opposite wall to the door. The view was very pleasant looking over the grounds behind the main building. Serena pulled the curtains closed to give Bernie her privacy.

To the right of the door was an ensuite wheelchair accessible wet room. The toilet and wash hand basin were fitted with grab rails and a walk-in shower took up the far side of the room. A plastic chair was provided for use in the shower for those unable to stand. Serena was impressed. It was a bright, well equipped and comfortable room and adequate for Bernie’s stay. Serena was happy she had seen the room and knew Bernie was safe and comfortable.

Serena put her bag on the chair in order to pull her coat on. Retrieving her bag she pulled the strap over her right shoulder. Bernie’s eyebrows knitted together not at all pleased what this meant, “Going already?” Bernie pouted.

Serena loved that pout and was sure Bernie knew that and used it to her advantage whenever she could, “I’m afraid so. Working tomorrow and I’ve got a two-hour drive to get home.” Explained Serena in an apologetic manner.

Bernie nodded in understanding, “Thank you for coming.”

Serena grinned at her friend not really wanting to leave but having to be responsible and make a move so she could get a night’s sleep before work in the morning. “No need to thank me. I’ll be back on Saturday.” Serena was rewarded with a huge smile which not only lit up Bernie’s face but Serena’s world. Stepping forward Serena leaned into Bernie and placed a kiss to her forehead. When she stood back her eyes locked with Bernie’s and she was as lost to the moment as Bernie was. Serena dropped a hand to Bernie’s shoulder and squeezed it, “Bernie, I need you to do two things for me.”

Bernie looked at her friend through narrowed eyes wondering what Serena was going to request, “What would they be?”

Serena stroked her hand up and down Bernie’s left arm in a soothing fashion, “You try and get plenty of rest. You look exhausted.”

Bernie felt butterflies flying around in her chest at the knowledge Serena still cared. But the voice in her head poured cold scorn on that thought, “Of course she cares you, idiot. You're best friends!” Swallowing against her dry throat Bernie croaked out, “And the second request?”

Serena rubbed and squeezed Bernie’s arm, “The nightmares-”

Bernie sighed and let her head roll to the left while regarding Serena through narrowed eyes with a prominent furrow to her brow, “Serena, we’ve talked about this before-”

This was a topic Bernie was stubborn about. Serena was ready for Bernie’s resistance to getting therapy for the emotional trauma she had suffered. They had discussed it when Serena was first aware of her then girlfriend’s nightmares. But Bernie had managed to talk her way out of the conversation and had only had the nightmares now and again so Serena had let the subject drop. However, since Bernie’s return from Mogadishu, the army medic had been having regular nightmares which Serena could no longer ignore, no matter how uncomfortable the discussion made Bernie feel.

Serena fixed Bernie with a firm stare which brooked no argument. “A long time ago and a time when you were only having the odd nightmare now and again.”

Bernie rolled her eyes and huffed out a deep sigh of frustration, “I’m dealing with it.”

Serena vented her frustration with a raised voice, “Don’t insult me, Berenice! We both know you’re not coping.” Bernie looked cross and pushed her head back into her pillow and closed her eyes. Serena knew Bernie hated to feel vulnerable or weak in any way and she hated to be the one to make her feel like that. But the truth is Bernie is recovering from a traumatic incident. She was physically healing but Serena worried about her mental injuries and a lack of psychological healing. Serena felt Bernie had never addressed her mental health following her previous battlefield injuries. And she wasn’t going to let Bernie ignore them this time around. She would be derelict in her duties as a doctor and negligent as a friend if she did.

Serena dropped down to sit on the bed and took Bernie’s hand squeezing it, “Bernie look at me.” When Bernie kept her eyes closed Serena gently shook her left hand in her own, “Please look at me.” Opening her eyes Bernie rolled her head to the left and looked at Serena through narrowed eyes with a furrowed brow, “You're my big macho army medic.” When Bernie raised her right eyebrow Serena stated emphatically, “You’re the most fantastic fearless doctor I’ve ever known.” 

Bernie offered a coy smile, “But?”

“You know as well as I do that mental health is as important as physical health. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, you need counselling.” Serena studied Bernie for a moment watching her battle with her emotions. “Twenty-five years of front line military service is a lot to bear. You’re in the best place here to get help for the cause of your nightmares and they will see that you get help.”

There was a brief moment of silence while Serena waited for Bernie to respond. Bernie dropped her gaze to their entwined fingers still deep in thought. Serena’s heart ached at how vulnerable and tired Bernie looked. She studied the pale features of the woman she still loved dearly and was glad the laceration and grazes Bernie had sustained to her face had all healed without leaving any scars.

A strand of blonde hair hung across Bernie’s left eye. With two fingers Serena gently tucked the lock of hair behind Bernie’s ear. Serena’s fingers instinctively stroked the area above Bernie’s left brow. It had the effect of settling and grounding both women. Serena spoke softly and watched Bernie’s eyes get heavy, “You look exhausted.”

Bernie fought her exhaustion to keep her eyes open. “Nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure,” she joked hoping to dispel the worry etched on Serena’s face.

But Serena wasn’t having any of it and swallowing against a dry tight throat she croaked out, “I’m worried about you.”

Bernie gave her a warm sleepy smile. She was far too tired to fight and Serena’s concern was coming from a good place although Bernie hated being the cause of any worry her friend was carrying. “I-I can’t face a counsellor. Not my thing-”

Serena huffed cutting the other woman off mid-sentence, “Bernie, you need to talk to someone-”

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t talk to someone. Just not a counsellor. I’d rather talk with my peers or, umm, or you.” Bernie stuttered and with a sceptical expression on Serena’s face, Bernie added, “Every Tuesday there’s a meeting of physically and mentally injured military personnel. No psychiatrists and definitely no counsellors. Just a bunch of veterans chewing the fat.” Bernie hoped that would appease Serena.

Honestly Serena could live with that. It would be a more effective approach for the reserved and stoic army medic. Serena had done her research on DMRC Stanford Hall and knew they took care of their patient’s mental health as well as their physical health. Bernie was in the best place to receive all the care she needed to get well. However, if there was any sign Bernie was declining help regarding her mental wellbeing Serena would find a qualified counsellor with experience of treating military veterans. And if necessary she’d drag Berenice ‘bloody’ Wolfe screaming and kicking to counselling. Serena smiled accepting she had to let this go for now and stroked her fingers down Bernie’s cheek.

When she stood up Bernie caught her hand drawing it to her lips and placed a soft kiss to her knuckles. With her trademark closed eye smile, she croaked out, “You’ve always got my back, Campbell.”

Serena squeezed Bernie’s hand, “Always will. Just as you have mine.”

Bernie opened her eyes still smiling, “Always.”

They stared and smiled at one another until their bubble was burst when Corporal Higgins entered the room carrying a tray with Bernie’s dinner, pudding and a pot of tea. Serena dropped her hand from Bernie’s and nodded towards the door, “I’ll, umm, I’ll be off. See you Saturday.”

“Can’t wait. Let me know when you're safely home?” Bernie replied. When Serena reached the door she glanced back and Bernie tapped two fingers of her left hand against her temple and gave her a wink. Serena grinned and ducked out of the room before her resolve gave way and she ran back to Bernie.

Walking briskly through the building, desperate to reach the solitude of her car, Serena wiped a finger under her right eye-catching a couple of tears which escaped making a run for it down her cheek. Out in the open air, she rushed to the car and once safely inside Serena let out the breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. Resting her head against the headrest she closed her eyes. Taking several calming breaths reining in her emotions. She would always love Bernie. Always be in love with Bernie. But she accepted the painful reality that she would never have Bernie in any context other than as her friend. And Serena would take that friendship with profound gratitude because she didn’t deserve anything from Bernie. Turning the ignition on she vowed to be the very best friend Bernie Wolfe deserved and/or had ever had and drove away from DMRC Stanford Hall.

Bernie ate her dinner, enjoyed her pudding and was on her second cup of tea when Corporal Higgins returned to take her tray away. Behind him was QARANC (Queen Alexandra’s Royal Army Nursing Corps) Staff Nurse Marie Byrne and Healthcare Assistant Tina Reid who had both come to help Bernie get ready for bed.

Stepping up to the side of the bed the staff nurse informed her patient firmly in a thick Belfast accent, “Time for bed major!” Her tone suggested this was a command and definitely not a request. The young red-headed nurse, about Charlotte’s age, grinned and seemed far too cheerful for Bernie’s liking.

Bernie rolled her eyes, “And what if I don’t want to go to bed?”

“You don’t have to go to sleep, but we do need to get you ready and in bed.” The staff nurse was polite but there was a hint of frustration in her tone.

Bernie knew that frustration was down to her nightly battle with the QARANC nursing staff when it came to being made ready for bed. Bernie hated feeling vulnerable and having to be put to bed made her feel vulnerable. Just as not being able to walk or wheel herself in her wheelchair made her feel vulnerable. Unfortunately for the night staff, they received the brunt of Bernie’s ire each night, which steadily built up during the day, when they entered her room to get her ready for bed. Bernie huffed and glared at the nurse. Who to her credit had stood up to Bernie’s grumpy moods with professional grace and wit.

“You realise Staff Nurse Byrne I outrank you!” Bernie muttered in a grumpy tone using the hoist with her left hand to pull herself more upright readying herself to be moved back into her wheelchair while the nurse moved the tray table away.

Folding her arms across her chest and regarding Bernie with a frown Staff Nurse Byrne retorted, “I do major. No possibility of me forgetting when you remind me every night!” With a huff she dropped her arms and moved around the bed muttering under her breath, “Doctors make the worst patients. Give them a military rank and they become positively insufferable!”

Bernie liked the staff nurse, she gave as good as she got, and Bernie enjoyed her sparring matches with her. But she wasn’t about to let the younger woman know that and so she maintained across and aloof attitude. With a frustrated huff, Bernie resigned herself to being made ready for bed.

Once dressed in her pyjamas Marie and Tina helped her walk slowly into the bathroom and having helped her onto the toilet waited outside while she used it. Then assisted her off the toilet and to the sink where she was left to wash her hands, face and brush her teeth. Re-entering her room Bernie noticed the covers of her bed had been pulled back. Pausing her slow gait she regarded Staff Nurse Byrne with a raised eyebrow, “You’ll be tucking me in and reading me a bedtime story next!”

Without missing a beat Staff Nurse Byrne retorted, “If that's what it takes to make the major happy I’ll oblige.”

Bernie barked out a laugh sounding like a honking goose startling both Marie and Tina. Then on shaky legs, she completed the final steps to reach her bed. Once safely sat on the bed she waved away the two women, “I can manage from here ladies, thank you.”

With a shake of her head Marie went to the portable drug trolley and retrieved Bernie’s night time analgesic medication and placed the tablets into a small paper cup setting it beside Bernie’s glass and water jug. With a smirk, Marie closed and locked the portable drug trolley and pushed it towards the door throwing a parting comment over her shoulder, “Goodnight major. Sweet dreams!” Bernie barked out another honking laugh enjoying the banter the nurse gave her every time they met.

Finally alone Bernie allowed herself to admit she was tired and going to bed was a good idea. Between her lack of sleep and her physiotherapy, her energy levels were low. Nestling back into her pillows Bernie felt aches radiate across her upper back, through her right hand and down her right leg as she allowed her body to relax. Thoughts of Serena Campbell were always at the forefront of her mind. And in the quiet solitude of her room, Bernie reflected on the similarities and differences between the two women she loved.

Alex was ten years Bernie’s junior and very much the product of more liberal parents than Bernie’s own, who were upper-middle-class conservative home county types. They shared easy-going natures with a dry wit, a love of medicine and the military with an abundance of well-founded confidence in their professional abilities and early morning running. Where they differed was in Alex’s unabated energy and enthusiasm for life which left Bernie exhausted just listening or watching her. 

Alex Dawson was brave and didn’t hide in the shadows as Berenice Wolfe had once done. She wore her heart on her sleeve and faced love head on out in the open. Alex was an unabashedly open and romantic individual to the core. Such a contrast to Bernie’s closed off stoic persona and perhaps, she thought, why they worked as a couple. Opposites attract after all.

“And then there’s, Serena,” she thought. Closing her eyes with a warm smile gracing her lips. Serena. Wendy. Campbell. Her one time co-clinical lead on AAU at Holby City Hospital. Serena was so much more than a colleague or a friend to her. Serena was her best friend and the love of her life. They were the same age, Bernie only being older by a couple of months, and shared a similar upbringing. Both had been married and had children. They shared a passion for surgery and were fiercely competitive. Bernie had known she was gay but confined herself to the closet, Serena had only come to realise she was gay having met and fallen in love with Bernie.

Personality wise they were polar opposites. Bernie was a force to be reckoned with professionally speaking. She had a hatred for bureaucracy and a distinct lack of diplomacy for an army officer. But she was used to making quick-fire decisions and answering to no one in her theatre. Bernie was exceedingly confident in her ability as a surgeon and assertive to the hilt with it. Serena, on the other hand, had a silver tongue and could sell ice to Eskimos. She had finely tuned the art of diplomacy aided by a sharp sarcasm and flirtatious manner enabling her manipulative nature to remain in control. Where Bernie was stoic and reserved; avoiding revealing too much of the truth about herself or her emotions. Serena, on the other hand, was open, truthful, straightforward and frank.

Bernie huffed, opened her eyes and sat up. After taking her medication with a glass of water she pushed the tray table over to the left side of the bed. Hearing the ping from her phone, notifying her she had a message, Bernie leaned to her left and took the phone off her bedside locker and opened it. A broad smile lit up her face when she saw it was from Serena.

Home safe and sound.  
Really good to see you.  
Look forward to Saturday.  
Sweet dreams.  
S x

Bernie fired off a quick reply. 

I can sleep now I know  
you’re safely home. Loved seeing you.  
Is it Saturday yet?  
Night, night.  
B x

With a yawn Bernie noted the time on her phone. She hadn’t realised she’d been laid there lost in her thoughts for a little over two hours. But she had a lot to ponder and confronting her emotions had never been a strong point for Bernie. Although she was much better at acknowledging her feelings and expressing them these days than at any time in her life. Taking up her thoughts on Serena again she decided that Serena was brave because she didn’t care what other people thought of her. Serena’s sarcasm complimented her own dry wit. Her friend’s flirtatious nature brought out the lighter side of Bernie’s personality and she actively flirted back with abandon. Enjoying the exchanges now she was being true to herself and acknowledging her sexuality. 

Serena didn’t hide or run from her emotions or from what she wanted. Serena was an open and passionate woman. While Bernie was stoic and complicated. Being in a relationship with Serena had inspired Bernie to engage with her emotions and express them with her partner, currently Alex. The changes in Bernie’s communication skills had not gone unnoticed by the younger woman who had praised Bernie for her efforts to grow. Regarding Serena, Bernie concluded that opposites definitely attract and was why she and Serena worked so well together.

Putting her phone on the charger she turned the light off and settled down to sleep in the dark silent room. In the distance, the screech of an owl pierced the silence. No doubt from the woods across the farmland behind DRMC Stanford Hall.

It should have been so obvious but it hadn’t been. Now laid in the dark about to drop off to sleep it occurred to Bernie for the first time. She had told Alex all about Serena. All about her feelings for the other woman. Even when they got engaged she had continued to wax lyrical about Serena. But the whole time she had been with Serena she had never really spoken much about Alex to her. Reflecting on what that could mean Bernie came to the only conclusion she could. Alex had been a closed chapter in her life. Their relationship had run its course. But not her relationship with Serena. Her relationship with Serena Wendy Campbell was most definitely not a closed chapter.

One woman she loved. The other woman she was in love with.

A memory came to her. She was laid in a hospital bed talking to an attractive young brunette doctor. She tried to remember the woman’s name but it escaped her for now, “Do what makes you happy and let everything else take care of itself. Life’s just too short.” Bernie released a soft sigh and said aloud to herself, “Time you listened to your own advice, Wolfe.”

But whatever she did someone was going to get hurt.

Even though the room was dark Bernie put her left arm over her eyes and groaned in utter frustration. Why did life always have to be so bloody complicated for her!


	8. A Force of Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie is discharged from the DMRC Stanford Hall and Alex is not happy when she takes up Serena's offer to stay at her house. Bonfire Night proves distressing for Bernie but Serena is there to support her.

Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre Stanford Hall, Stanford on Soar, Nottinghamshire, England, Monday 14th October 2019:

For the past five weeks, Bernie had been given intensive physiotherapy and occupational therapy to her right hand and right leg. She had spent every day having treatment between the physiotherapy gym, occupational therapy room and the hydrotherapy pool. Her physiotherapist was more than pleased with her progress. Her treatment had started gradually using a balance ball, walking between the parallel bars and receiving Neuromuscular electrical stimulation which stimulated the nerves and muscles to restore function and strength, prevent muscle atrophy, and reduce muscle spasms. Bernie had enjoyed the freedom and sense of having a properly functioning right hand and leg the pool gave her. She was as equally tired after her hydrotherapy sessions as she was her gym sessions.

As the weeks progressed the physiotherapy became more rigorous. Added to the equipment Bernie had to use during her sessions were the exercise bike, running machine, which she walked on for two weeks before building up to a slow jog, and the leg press. The balance ball and neuromuscular electrical stimulation were also continued as was her hydrotherapy sessions. Where her leg strength and function was improving in leaps and bounds her hand was a different story.

Her physiotherapist felt the severity of Bernie’s hand injury, coupled with her profession as a surgeon, she should be treated by an OT (occupational therapist) who specialised in the rehabilitation of patients with conditions affecting the hands and upper limbs. An OT hand therapist’s high level of specialization enabled them to help patients return to a productive lifestyle following injury, disease or deformity affecting the hand. Bernie had readily agreed fully aware an experienced hand therapist would evaluate and identify problems affecting the upper limbs. They would provide Bernie with advice regarding exercise, preventative care, aids to daily living and ergonomic consultation. Bernie had wanted to start as quickly as possible with her OT hand therapist. The sooner her hand therapy started the sooner her hand would heal and she would be able to return to normal life and work. Her OT had gone over her surgical notes and had spoken with Bernie’s surgeon, Serena Campbell, on the phone. With all the information the OT needed she had started Bernie’s treatment advising the major she couldn’t work miracles but would do all she could to get Bernie’s hand as functional as possible.

Bernie’s hand and forearm had been immobilised with a plaster splint over her bandages, with her wrist and fingers in a slightly bent position in order to protect the repair. Her OT at Holby City had removed the plaster splint a few days after her operation and swapped it for a light plastic splint which she worse for the six weeks she was at Holby. It had been removed the morning after she’d arrived at the DMRC Stanford Hall. Her DMRC OT noted that Bernie had a decent amount of movement in her hand because she had religiously followed her original OT’s recommendations of a protected exercise programme which she started a few days after her operation. Bernie was acutely aware that a therapy programme after a tendon repair was as crucial and at least as important as the operation itself.

For the past seven weeks, Bernie had been allowed to gradually return to using her hand. It would be a long-drawn-out process. The damaged flexor tendon wouldn’t regain its full strength until three months after the repair which Bernie was two weeks the other side off. It was thirteen weeks since she’d been blown up in Mogadishu. But being a trauma surgeon Bernie knew only too well that movement may improve slowly for up to six months. The thought of another three months of rest, recuperation and rehabilitation filled Bernie with dread.

When she wasn’t in physiotherapy, the hydrotherapy pool or having occupational therapy, Bernie would sit go through her hand exercises and use a small hand rehabilitation silicon ball or a set of resistive hand grip exercisers all of which helping to restore movement and grip strength in her hand. She tried not to overdo it, knowing that would be as detrimental to the tendon repair as not doing enough, but Bernie being Bernie took it to the limit of what she was allowed to do.

After Bernie had told her OT about a tried and tested hand dexterity test her father, also a military surgeon had put together for her to practice with as a junior doctor, the OT had agreed it would be an excellent way for Bernie to practice her dexterity in relation to her occupation as a surgeon. But she had made Bernie promise not to overdo it or be impatient because results would be slow given the extent of her hand injury. Bernie had given a solemn promise to follow her OT’s instructions. The OT might be twenty years her junior but she was both a health care professional and an army officer. She had Bernie sussed out and knew the major lacked patience where her health and perceived physical and mental wellbeing was concerned.

With the green light from her OT Bernie had recruited Alex and Serena’s help in getting her the items she needed. Although she was miffed at having to get her OT to reassure Alex and Serena that she was telling the truth and had her authorisation to use the ‘Surgical Box of Tricks’. Alex had been tasked with providing a wooden box, two small pots; one with coloured beads, a fish hook and a pen inside. Serena, on the other hand, provided the surgical gloves, surgical instruments and a surgical tray and so for the past two weeks, Bernie had been using her box of tricks to improve her hand dexterity. She wouldn’t admit to anyone how worried she was over her hand injury. Her leg still hurt but that wouldn’t stop her being a surgeon. Not having strength, grip or dexterity in her hand would be career-ending and Major Wolfe had no intention of retiring from surgery just yet. So every evening Bernie would sit for an hour practising.

The plywood box sat on the desk in Bernie’s room. There was no lid to the box. Inside two black Velcro patches were attached to the left and right side of the back panel of the box. On the inside of the Velcro patches, two rubber tubes were fixed at either end between the back panel and front panel. They were spaced six inches apart and sat four inches from the bottom of the box. Fixed along the left side panel were four small hooks and another four small hooks were fixed to the back panel between the two Velcro patches. Placed on the bottom of the box were two small pots, one contained coloured beads and a medium-sized fishing hook while the other was empty. A small post-it note and pen sat beside the pots. Placed on her desk was a box of surgical gloves on the left side of the box, a set of surgical instruments were laid out across the front of the box and to the right of the box was a surgical tray.

Bernie had been religiously practising her surgical dexterity skills over the previous two weeks. The first night in the solitude of her room she took the marker pen and drew the outline of a 2cm diameter circle in the centre of the post-it note followed by the outline of a square, keeping each side to about 1cm long at the edge of the post-it note. Picking up the surgical instruments Bernie got used to handling the tools of her surgical trade for the first time in months. With her hands inside the box, and between the two rubber tubes which she could not touch during the task, Bernie practised lifting up a single sheet of the post-it note with a pair of forceps and place it in the space above the small post-it note.

Using the forceps in her left hand to hold the sheet of post-it she had drawn the circle and square on. Picking up a pair of Metzenbaum scissors was a little awkward to start with but Bernie persevered and with the scissors in her hand she began to cut out the circle. Having to repeat the simple task several times because her right hand jerked and touched the rubber tube. Every time she touched the rubber tube Bernie would have to start all over again, draw the circle and square from scratch, then proceed to hold the piece of paper with the forceps and cut the shapes out with the Metzenbaum scissors.

The air was going blue with expletives. Bernie was frustrated and stressed. She threw the forceps and scissors down and rested her left hand on the desk letting out a breath making her fringe waft up out of her eyes. As her fringe flopped down she pushed the fingers of her left hand through her messy blonde locks and slumped back in her chair to think. It was a disaster. She could just about draw a circle and a square on a bit of paper and cut them out. Her hand throbbed with a deep ache. How could she ever perform trauma surgery again with a hand that didn’t feel like it belonged to her anymore? 

In the quiet of her room the voice in her head was her military persona, Major Wolfe, there was annoyance in the tone and it brooked no argument, “Pull yourself together, Wolfe. Rome wasn’t built in a day. We don’t do pity parties in the British army!” There was only one thing for it if she ever wanted to be a surgeon again. Continue doing her hand exercises and practising with surgical instruments in her surgical box of tricks.

Bernie completed cutting the circle out, although it was a jagged cut she had managed to remove a circular shape and practice would mean it became neater over time. The square was a little easier to cut out and was more successful being that it was pretty neat compared to the circle. After repeating that exercise and being successful a second time Bernie felt bolstered and decided to try the next task.

Placing the scissors on the surgical tray she took the pen, post-it note and the cut sheets of paper with her left hand and focused on the two small pots inside the box between the two rubber tubes. Keeping the surgical forceps in her right hand, and being careful she didn’t touch the sides of the pots, the box or either of the rubber tubes, Bernie carefully lifted a bead from the pot and placed it carefully into the opposite pot. This too was a task she had to restart a few times when her right hand touched the rubber tube and her left hand caught the side of the box.

Much to her relief, Bernie managed to complete the bead test twice. Moving onto the final task Bernie used the forceps to pick the fishing hook out of the small pot, and with the scissors in her left hand, she passed the fishing hook under the rubber tube on the left to take it in the grip of the scissors and then transferred the fishing hook back to the forceps and placed it on the black Velcro patch attached to the left side of the back panel. Her first few attempts failed when either the forceps, fishing hook or scissors touched the rubber tube. Once Bernie had successfully completed this task a couple of times she repeated it by placing the fishing hook on the black Velcro patch attached to the right side of the back panel.

Just as before it took her several attempts to successfully complete the task twice before repeating the whole task again but instead of placing the fishing hook on to the black Velcro patches, she fed it through the small hooks attached to the left side and then the back panel of the box. There was no surprise for Bernie when she had to repeat this final task several times until her hands or the surgical instrument weren’t touching the small pot, the rubber tube or sides of the box.

With that completed the only thing left to do was repeat the steps in reverse by first taking the beads and then the fishing hook and placing them back into the original small pot. Satisfied she was able to complete the tasks, even though it took considerable time, Bernie decided she wanted to complete the next task but her right hand was protesting. The ache had intensified and the tremble was more pronounced. She was acutely aware the pain was a warning her hand was taxed and tired. To continue could do more damage than good. So reluctantly she called it a night and accepted this was going to be a long hard fight to get the dexterity and grip required to be a surgeon back in her hand.

***

Defence Medical Rehabilitation Centre Stanford Hall, Stanford on Soar, Nottinghamshire, England, Saturday 2nd November 2019:

Two weeks later Bernie had been at DMRC Stanford Hall for seven weeks and finally felt she was making steady, if somewhat slow, progress with grip strength and dexterity in her right hand. It gave her a little hope that all may not be completely lost. Every day she continued with her hand exercises and every evening she used her surgical box of tricks to practice the surgical dexterity tasks. Bernie was laid on her bed, with the top of the bed raised enabling her to sit up and rest her head back against the pillows. Her right thigh was aching and she carried out some simple hand exercises with a small silicone ball.

A wrap of knuckles sounded on the partly open door of Bernie’s room announcing the arrival of the person she had been expecting, “Campbell, you’re late!”

When Bernie looked up she met the amused eyes of her best friend. Serena was stood leaning against the wall with her arms folded across her chest. Standing up straight she walked across the room towards Bernie, “Yes, well blame it on an emergency appendectomy followed by heavy traffic.” If Serena noticed the wince that crossed Bernie’s face at the mention of surgery she chose to ignore it, “Hello,” and leaned in pressing her lips to a still far to pale cheek delivering a soft kiss.

Bernie offered a coy smile, “Hello you.”

When Serena pulled back she cupped Bernie’s face with her left hand and studied her for a moment. “You’re far too pale for my liking. You’re overdoing things I know you are.”

Bernie rolled her eyes and huffed, “Don’t nag. It doesn’t suit you.

Serena knew she was right and chuckled, “I take that’s a yes then.” Making her way around the bed she put her bag onto the tray table and took her coat off placing it over the back of the visitor's chair and took up residence in it.

Bernie chose not to reply and instead deflected the conversation away from herself, “How did the appendectomy go?”

“Straight forward. Just an appendectomy,” Serena stated matter of factly.

Bernie sighed. Actually envious her friend had been operating regardless of what procedure she had been performing, “I’d be ecstatic if I could do a pilonidal cystectomy right now!”

Serena noted the whimsical tone to Bernie’s voice, “Dear God, you’re bored!”

Bernie snorted, “More desperate!”

Serena studied her best friend for a moment. Once again taking in the pale, tired gaunt features. “You struggling?” She asked gently.

Bernie nodded offering a wane smile. She thought about her reply. Bernie knew Serena wouldn’t accept anything less than complete honesty and her friend had a knack of being able to read her so attempting any lie was futile, “It’s not been any kind of fun.”

Serena noted the tight lines at the corners of Bernie’s eyes and mouth and her pursed lips. It was obvious Bernie was struggling mentally as well as physically. Serena tried to be positive, “I dare say it is. You’re making good progress by all accounts.”

Right eyebrow raised and the corner of her right upper lip curled into almost a smirk, Bernie accused, “You keeping tabs on me?”

“I have a vested interest,” Serena proclaimed with a wink.

Bernie tilted her head to the left and grinned, “You do, do you?”

“You know fine and well I do. I’m your surgeon. I don’t want you undoing all of my hard work,” Serena grinned at the pout Bernie gave her. “Fishing for compliments are you?” When a red blush bloomed on the pale cheeks Serena took pity, “You’re my best friend so of course, I’m vested in you,” Serena wanted to declare that Bernie was and always would be the greatest love of her life, but that ship had sailed and she had no claim on her now.

The smile that spread across Bernie’s face caused her eyes to shut briefly and Serena thought she could endure anything so long as she was on the receiving end of Bernie’s smile, that smile. When they opened they were fixed on Serena’s and the two women smiled at each other. The look from both was warm and full of love. Serena cleared her throat, “I hear you’re being let out on Monday,” With a raise of an eyebrow and a smirk she added, “But not for good behaviour.”

Bernie chortled feeling a deep sense of satisfaction at both the enjoyable banter she shared with Serena and her forthcoming discharge. With a wink, she advised, “I finally wore them down!” 

Attempting to keep the smirk off her face and projecting a scolding tone Serena reminded Bernie, “You promised you’d be nice to the nurses!” 

Bernie dipped her head and the look she gave Serena from under her fringe was coy, “I was. It was the doctors and physio’s I gave hell to!”

“Berenice!” Serena scolded but couldn’t suppress the laugh that followed.

Emboldened Bernie lifted her head and stated defiantly, “I can’t have been that horrid otherwise they wouldn’t have let me stay for seven weeks.” She emphasised the seven weeks like they had been a prison sentence. For her, there was little difference.

Changing the subject slightly Serena enquired, “Where will you stay?”

Giving the question some thought Bernie looked at the wall opposite her bed, “Well I sold my place in Holby. Alex has a room in the doctor’s accommodation at Queen Elizabeth hospital.” Bernie paused pondering her living situation come Monday. Then with a smile pronounced, “I still have Shield Cottage.”

Serena was aghast at the suggestion, “You can’t stay at the cottage on your own!”

“Why not?” Bernie didn’t see what the problem was.

Shaking her head Serena spoke slowly like she was addressing a very dim first-year medical student, “Because unless it’s escaped your memory, Berenice, you’re recuperating from being blown up and having double major surgery!”

“I’m quite capable of taking care of myself,” Bernie huffed. She hated being coddled. It made her feel vulnerable. Although in the time she had known Serena Campbell she had relaxed around the woman’s constant need to take care of her. Bernie had come to appreciate Serena’s care and recognised it for what it was, love. She also recognised her aversion to being coddled as simply alien to her. Her mother had never been demonstrative with her feelings and her father was away on military deployment for the majority of her childhood. Bernie had been raised to believe that displays of emotion and needing emotional support were signs of weakness. Serena was slowly changing her perception of these things, although not entirely.

“I’m sure you are up to a point,” Serena wasn’t in the mood to argue but couldn’t let Bernie put herself at risk, “Bernie consider what you’d advise one of your soldiers to do in this situation.”

“That’s different!” Bernie snapped.

Serena snapped back, “Oh, do as I say not as I do, eh. Right, well if you won’t do what you would clinically advise a patient then for my sake don’t squirrel yourself away on your own at the cottage,” Serena looked directly into Bernie’s eyes and declared in all sincerity, “I would worry about you.”

With a shake of her head Bernie gave Serena a sad look, “That’s not fair. You made it personal.”

Serena studied Bernie for a moment and crossed her arms over her chest feeling serious and defensive, “Maybe not fair. But needs must when the devil drives!”

Bernie mumbled, “I can’t expect Alex to find us somewhere to live, she’s too busy. Would you, umm, mind helping?”

Serena snorted, “Ah-ha so I’m not considered busy?”

Bernie’s eyes went wide and she tried to correct her faux pa, “You are. More than Alex actually. But I trust your judgement to find somewhere that’s suitable quickly.”

When a reply wasn’t forthcoming Bernie assumed her friend was going to decline. But Serena was merely running an idea around her head and eventually with a smile she informed Bernie, “Actually I do know of a place.”

A surprised Bernie side-eyed Serena, “Really?”

With a nod and a glance towards her friend Serena informed in a tentative tone, “My place.” 

Wide-eyed Bernie exclaimed, “No, Serena that’s very kind but unnecessary. Wouldn’t want to put you out.”

“Nonsense. You’re hardly putting me out when I’m offering.” Noting the sceptical expression on Bernie’s face Serena reassured her, “I happen to be rattling around in a big house on my own. I would be grateful for the company.”

Resting her right hand on her thigh Bernie stared down into her lap. Deep in thought, she considered the kind offer made by Serena. If it were only about herself, then Bernie would have readily agreed, but this wasn’t just about her, “I kind of come as a package these days,” Looking up at Serena with an apologetic expression Bernie added, “There is Alex too.”

Kicking herself for not making it clearer Serena smiled warmly, “The offer is there for both of you. I know Alex has to work in Birmingham, but on her days off she can stay with you at mine.” 

However Bernie still wasn’t sure, “Won’t that be strange?”

Serena couldn’t deny having Bernie living in her house with another woman, her fiancée, wouldn’t be strange for her and probably Bernie too. But her offer made the most sense and besides that’s what friends are for wasn’t it? “Perhaps. But we’re adult women and friends. I’m sure we will cope.”

Bernie stared at Serena reading her features and body language for any sign her best friend wasn’t being completely truthful. Seeing no deceit she smiled, “I’ll need to discuss it with Alex but-”

“Discuss what with Alex?” The woman in question walked in and promptly kissed Bernie on the lips and took a seat on the side of the bed taking Bernie’s left hand between both of hers. Looking across the room she greeted Serena, “Hi, Serena.” Serena returned the greeting and the two women shared a smile. Turning her attention back to Bernie, Alex waited for her to answer, “You going to tell me what you need to discuss with me or am I supposed to guess?”

“I’m being discharged in two days,” Bernie’s smile lit up her whole face.

Alex leaned in and hugged her fiancée, “That’s great news, Bern.”

“We were discussing where Bernie would stay while she recuperates,” Serena informed the new arrival.

Alex smiled at Bernie and with one hand cupped her fiancée's face and rubbed her thumb across the prominent cheekbone, “I’ll have a look for somewhere for us in Birmingham.” Finally, Bernie was able to leave the hospital and they could be together. They could have their first home together.

Alex was still in her blissful thoughts when Bernie burst her happy bubble, “Serena has kindly suggested we stay at her house.” 

Serena smiled at both women and thought she was being helpful when she informed Alex, “Before you say it. I have plenty of room so you won’t be putting me out.”

Bernie turned her head and smiled at Serena, “It’s very kind of you.”

Alex felt like she was being left out of the decision which she should be making with Bernie, “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”

Bernie turned back to Alex, “Do you have a better suggestion?”

Wanting them to have a home of their own Alex tried to persuade her fiancée, “I could find us somewhere closer to my work.”

Again thinking she was being helpful Serena joined in, “A lot of work when it’s not necessary. If you can’t commute then you can stay on your days off.”

Bernie pulled Alex’s hand away from her face and held it in her own, “It’s the same distance between Holby and Birmingham to the DMRC. I can be back here in a reasonable time if I need to.” 

“Not to mention Bernie would be close to Holby where her surgery took place and me, her surgeon, so that would make follow-ups easier too.” Serena beamed believing her information important and still helpful.

Alex, however, felt Serena and Bernie were making decisions which affected her without her participation, “Well as you’ve both decided I don’t see how I can object.”

The sarcastic tone in Alex’s comment didn’t go unnoticed by Bernie who frowned at her fiancée. Whether Serena noticed or not was less clear. If she was aware she choose to ignore it and in a show of solidarity with Alex stated, “Between us, we’ll get Bernie fighting fit again.”

“Absolutely,” Alex muttered keeping her focus on her joined hand with Bernie’s. She didn’t dislike Serena. She liked her. But when Bernie was brought into the equation her feelings changed. There had been a growing sense of unease creeping in since Bernie’s memories had returned and Serena had spent more and more time with her fiancée. But she wasn’t ready to call it what it was, jealousy. Her gut told her to be wary but her head told her to be rational. She knew Bernie and Serena had a strong bond and it was Serena who found Bernie. However, it was herself engaged to Bernie, not Serena.

Lifting her gaze back to Bernie, who was studying her intently, Alex smiled and in a light tone advised, “I’ll be here early to pick you up. We can stop for lunch on the way to Holby.”

Serena chuckled, “No alcohol for, Bernie. Remember she’s on strong pain medication.”

Bernie turned to Serena and let out a short honk of her renowned laugh, “Yeah better not break that rule. My surgeon is a vascular consultant surgeon and will literally use my guts for garters!” 

Serena smirked and winked at Bernie, “So I’ve heard.”

Clearing her throat to remind the two friends she was still there, Alex made it more than obvious she wanted to spend time with Bernie on their own, “It’s nice you were able to visit so soon.”

The grin on Serena’s face fell and her eyes moved from Bernie to the woman sat on the bed next to her. Serena could see from the pinched expression and the snippy comment Alex was displeased. Quickly glancing to Bernie she noticed her best friend staring at her fiancée with a slight frown. That told Serena all she needed to know. She had not been mistaken in thinking Alex was being passive-aggressive. Being careful not to escalate matters but wanting to send a message back, that she was aware Alex was somewhat miffed and she wasn’t taking it, Serena chose her words carefully, “Bernie’s my best friend. She’s bored and lonely. I’ve made a point of visiting twice a week.”

“Some of us are busy and visit as much as we can!” Alex snapped and gave Serena a stern look.

Bernie was shocked at her fiancée tone and attitude not understanding where it was coming from. She looked between her fiancée and ex and wondered why Alex was being grouchy with Serena after her kind offer, “Al-”

Serena held her right hand up needing to deal with this, “And some of us have, I think you military types call it, the privileges of rank.” Yes, she was extremely busy but had called in favours, and offered favours, left right and centre so that she could visit Bernie twice a week every week. It was the high light of her week.

Studying Alex and taking in the tight line her pursed lips made and the hard look in her eyes, it was obvious the younger woman was unhappy. Watching as Alex leaned into Bernie’s space putting her arm around the shoulders of her fiancée it all became clear to Serena. Alex was staking her claim. Alex was jealous. Serena hadn’t thought she had done anything to make the woman feel threatened, but perhaps all the time she had spent visiting Bernie had had a negative knock-on effect with the younger woman. Alex clearly felt she was monopolising Bernie’s time. Happy in the knowledge her best friend would be staying with her in forty-eight hours Serena decided that it was probably best she left. She really did need to be making tracks for home and the engaged couple needed time alone together. Serena stood and put her coat on.

“You going?” Bernie sounded surprised and her expression matched her tone.

Serena nodded pulling the strap of her handbag over her right shoulder, “Long drive and work tomorrow. I’ll see you on Monday.”

Bernie grinned feeling mollified knowing she would see Serena in forty-eight hours, “Looking forward to it.”

Serena bid the two women good night and left. Glad of one thing. That she didn’t have to endure Alex and Bernie cuddled up together for a moment longer. But the voice in her head that always sounded like her dead daughter Elinor reminded her, “From Monday you’ll be seeing them together all the time!” Serena groaned at the thought and made her way to her car.

***

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Monday 4th November 2019:

Pulling her black BMW 3 series onto the gravel drive of Serena Campbell’s house, Alex parked next to the dark grey VW Passat already parked up. She turned the ignition off sitting for a moment to take in the house. The drive was large enough to park four cars with a further car able to be accommodated in the attached garage to the right of the house. To the left of the drive a lawn, with a cherry tree in the centre, filled the twenty feet between the front of the house and the six-foot privet hedge bordering the pavement. The privet ran from the gate across the front of the property and up the left side boundary to the back of the large rear garden. To the right of the entrance a white five bar gate lay open against the six-foot wooden fence running along the right side boundary.

It was a large, detached house constructed of red brick covered in white render. The distinctive squared-off bay window and the open-fronted storm porch, with the front door recessed inside it, proudly declared its 1930s heritage. To the right of the front door was the attached garage. The front door, window frames and garage door were painted a soft dove grey with white Venetian blinds covering the inside of the windows. Bernie had described the house as a large leafy detached. But that had hardly done the place justice. Alex took it all in and was genuinely impressed. The house looked big, solid, stylish and definitely attractive. This house had what estate agents referred to as curb appeal in bucket loads.

It was late afternoon when Alex’s car had pulled into Serena’s drive. Hovering at the window, looking out from behind the partially open blinds, Serena watched Bernie get herself out of the car and walk steadily towards the front door. Alex brought up the rear with a large military kit bag, a small suitcase, the size of an overnight case, and her own rucksack slung over one shoulder. Serena darted to the door and opened it before Bernie had a chance to ring the bell.

When the door opened Serena smiled at Bernie and the same megawatt smile was returned. “Hello you,” Serena’s voice was husky with emotion at seeing a sight she could barely have dreamed of just over three months ago. Her brave Bernie was stood on her own two feet on her doorstep smiling at her. Her recovery was remarkable considering this was the second time she had been blown up. And that recovery served to prove, Major Berenice Griselda Wolfe, was definitely a force of nature.

“Hello yourself,” Bernie replied. The moment not lost on her either.

The cough from behind Bernie reminded the two women they weren’t alone. Serena stepped aside welcoming her guests into her home. Once inside with coats and shoes off Serena indicated they should take their bags upstairs and Bernie being closest to the stairs should lead the way. She started slowly up the stairs with Serena right behind her and Alex brought up the rear with their bags. Bernie’s leg ached a little but she wasn’t going to let either of the other two women know.

At the top of the stairs, acting on instinctual autopilot, Bernie turned right making her way to the rear of the property pushing open the door to Serena’s bedroom. The cough from their hostess stopped Bernie in her tracks. When she turned around Serena was further down the landing outside another bedroom door at the front of the property. Serena smiled and nodded at the room Bernie was outside, “That’s my room.”

Realising her error Bernie blushed and dipped her head mumbling an apology, “Sorry. Force of habit!” Walking back across the landing past her fiancée Bernie avoided eye contact knowing Alex would be wearing an exasperated expression. The memory of the lengthy disagreement they had on Saturday, where Alex felt Serena was too involved to the point of interfering and Bernie had vehemently disagreed, was still fresh in her mind.

Serena pushed the bedroom door open and indicated with a wave of her hand the two women should enter and followed them in, “I thought Jason’s old room would be more appropriate with it being bigger than the other guest room.”

Alex looked over Serena’s shoulder and nodded to the closed door opposite the room they were in, “Is that the bathroom?”

Serena glanced round at the door behind her and shook her head. When she looked back at Alex her expression was sad, “No. No, that was my daughter Elinor’s room. The main bathroom is between her room and mine. I have an ensuite so you both have exclusive use of the bathroom.” 

Bernie gave Serena a small smile, “Thank you. This is perfect.”

“Well, I’ll let you settle in and make us a cup of tea. Come down when you’re ready,” Serena offered and with a small smile left.

Bernie’s gaze was still staring at the spot Serena had just vacated. Alex had dropped Bernie’s kit bag and small case on the floor at the foot of the bed and placed her own rucksack on the bed.

Waking up to Bernie she slid her arms around her girlfriend’s waist and pulled her into a tight hug kissing the side of her head. Bernie turned her head smiling and Alex dived in and kissed her. Bernie fully turned in her girlfriend’s arms and the kiss continued for a few minutes. With the human requirement to obtain air the two women pulled apart and rested their foreheads together. Bernie studied Alex’s features and asked, “You ok?”

Alex nodded. She had concerns but didn’t feel now was the right time to raise them. Besides she thought she was probably letting the green-eyed monster take over her common sense and things would be fine between her and Bernie. Especially as they could now get back to being a couple. Taking a breath Alex pulled out of the embrace and changed the subject with a smile, “Give me a guided tour?”

“As you’re aware this is Jason, Serena’s nephew’s, old room,” Bernie took Alex’s hand and walked them out of the room leading her into the hall. She nodded at the room across the hall from theirs, “That was Elinor’s room,” and moved on to the centre of the landing opposite the top of the stairs, pushing the door next to them open Bernie stated, “Bathroom.” Then pointing to the door further along the same wall she advised, “Serena’s room and the room across from hers is another guest bedroom.”

Alex smirked suddenly realising why they were in Jason’s old room. It was farthest from Serena’s. No chance of their hostess hearing the couple should they make any noise. God, she longed to make noise with Bernie. Following Bernie downstairs she admired the beautiful staircase and its unusual art deco designed newel post cap. Back on the ground floor, she was impressed to see original oak parquet flooring which ran the length of the hall.

Bernie pointed to the door across from the stairs and in a deadpan tone stated the obvious, “Living room.” Walking along the hall she pointed to a door to the right, “Downstairs toilet,” Entering the kitchen they found Serena sat at the island nursing a mug of tea. Bernie swept her hand and with a broad smirk once again stated the obvious, “and this is the kitchen and dining room.” Alex could have slapped her but she conceded she had asked for a tour and it was good to see a playful Bernie again.

The kitchen come dining room was large and took up the entire back area of the ground floor of the house. The original second parlour had been knocked through into the kitchen to make an open plan elegant and functional kitchen come dining area. On entering the kitchen to the right was a door leading into the galley style utility room with a door at the far end leading directly into the attached garage. 

The kitchen counter and cabinets ran down the wall between the utility room door and the kitchen window which was directly opposite the door into the kitchen. The hob, grill and oven sat in the middle of the wall cabinets and the centre island housed the sink and a breakfast bar with four stools. Next to the window, and opposite the centre island, was the large gunmetal grey double fronted fridge freezer. The other side of the room consisted of a good-sized dining area. A drinks cabinet sat against the wall backing onto the living room and a Welsh dresser sat against the far wall facing the kitchen. An oak table, big enough to seat eight people, filled the centre of the dining area. To the right of the dining area was a decent sized conservatory with a three-seater sofa and two armchairs. Bi-folding doors in soft dove grey lead into the garden. Alex took it all in and was genuinely impressed. It was a big and luxurious house, but it definitely felt like a home.

Feeling eyes on her Alex turned and smiled at Serena, “You have a very lovely home.”

The smile Serena returned reached her eyes and lit up her face. She was proud of her house. She loved her home. It was her sanctuary. As outgoing as Serena Campbell is, she didn’t invite just anyone into her home and certainly not to stay over. Serena graciously accepted the compliment, “Thank you. It’s been a real labour of love getting it to the style and standard I wanted. Twenty years in fact. When we, that’s my ex-husband and I, bought it we got it for a song. It required extensive renovations. Rewiring, new plumbing and central heating. We took the walls back to the bricks inside and re-plastered them all and repointed all the bricks outside, fitted new doors, windows, kitchen and bathroom and redecorated throughout with all the skirting boards and internal doors removed striped, varnished and put back in place. A new roof fitted. Oh and we went to the expense of adding a full ensuite, to what is now my bedroom when the family bathroom was replaced.”

“Wow you must have lived in a building site for a while then.” Alex glanced around the kitchen again.

Serena shook her head remembering how hard it had been working full time while the house was worked on, “Ha, there were occasions when it felt like that.” Her expression was whimsical remembering a two-year-old Charlotte sitting on the living room floor covered in paint, “Certainly wasn’t easy with a toddler running around.” Looking up at her guest she added, “It was done over a number of years. We prioritised. In the first eighteen months, the house was rewired, new central heating installed and the doors and windows replaced. We lived with the house as it was for a further four years until we’d paid off those bills and could afford to replace the kitchen. Two years later the bathroom was replaced and we only got round to decorating the house after we’d been here eight years. 

Alex was curious and looking around the room asked, “So when did the kitchen and conservatory get done?”

Serena took a sip of her tea, “With the settlement money I received from my divorce, along with the extra salary from my promotion to deputy CEO, I decided to erase Edwards’s presence from the house. I had new windows, doors and garage door fitted. The back sitting room knocked through into the kitchen and a new kitchen installed with a conservatory added. While I was at it I decided to refit the bathroom and ensuite. When the work was done I had a decorator come in and redecorate throughout. Took nineteen months from start to finish, but it was worth it.”

Bernie grinned and nodded, “Definitely worth it.”

“Well I hope you will both feel at home here,” Serena looked between the two women standing on the other side of the kitchen island.

Bernie dipped her head and admitted, “It’s always felt like home to me.”

The frown and sideways glance Alex gave Bernie wasn’t missed by Serena. Bernie’s comment had been honest but Alex clearly had an issue with it. Hearing Bernie state the house felt like home warmed Serena’s heart.

“Go and make yourselves comfortable in the front room. I’ll make a pot of tea or would you prefer coffee?” Serena instructed and asked moving over to the kettle and switching it on.

Bernie affirmed she would like tea and Alex opted for coffee, “Al takes hers with milk.”

“Ah, she’s not into the hot and strong like us,” Serena teased.

Finally settled in the large front room with their drinks, Bernie and Alex together on the three-seater sofa and Serena in one of the armchairs across from them, the three women chatted amiably about this and that but nothing heavy or too personal. Then out of the blue Bernie blurted out, “I took your advice,” Seeing a confused expression on both Alex and Serena’s faces she explained nodding at Serena, “Yours, Serena. About talking to someone.”

Alex scoffed, “You mean the army give you an ultimatum!”

Serena glanced at Alex then back to Bernie and not quite understanding asked, “What ultimatum?”

Alex jumped in before Bernie had a chance to respond, “They will insist she has a psychiatric evaluation before they allow her back to active service. Want to rule out PTSD and the like.”

A shudder ran up Serena’s spine and she bit her bottom lip nervously, “You want to go back into active service?” How could she not of considered this? Bernie was never happier than when she was serving on the front line in a war or disaster zone. It was wishful thinking to assume Bernie would stay in England rather than return to adventure and danger.

Again Alex answered on Bernie’s behalf, “Course she does. This is Major Wolfe. She’s never happier than when she’s risking her life in the pursuit of adventure and saving lives.” She regarded her fiancée with a cheeky wink and proud grin.

Bernie was looking at Serena from under her messy fringe and noticed the shiver go through the brunette when active service was mentioned. Bernie snapped at Alex in full on major mode, “I can still speak for myself!” The room fell silent. Alex looked contrite. Bernie sighed pushing her right hand through her fringe, “I wasn’t given an ultimatum. I was merely advised-”

“You agreed to go to counselling?” Alex was genuinely surprised at this revelation.

Bernie huffed, “I did.”

Alex didn’t mean to sound dismissive but it came out that way when her disbelief that her stoic ‘I don’t need to talk about my feelings’ fiancée was actually agreeing to have counselling, “Why? I mean I’m pleased you are. But, you’ve always shied away from it.”

Bernie stared at her lap, “Between my CO and Serena giving me pet talks-”

Alex nodded believing she had been correct about the real reason Bernie was going for counselling, “I was right. The CO spelt out no more active service without a psyche evaluation?” 

Serena took that moment to cut in and ask, “Do you want to return to active service?” She couldn’t bring herself to look Bernie in the eye. Her heart hammered at the thought of Bernie not only leaving again but returning to the front line and placing herself in danger all over again.

Bernie turned her head to regard Alex with a frown, “They didn’t strong-arm me!” Then looking across to Serena her tone soft she answered, “Honestly, I don’t know, S’rena. Part of me does. But part of me...”

The way Bernie said her name, in that soft husky tone, always brought her warmth and security. Gently prodding she chanced a glance at Bernie and their eyes locked, “Part of you... What?”

The worry in Serena’s eyes wasn’t lost on Bernie. On the one hand, she wanted to reassure and take the worry away. But on the other hand, she wanted to be honest because Serena would not thank her for treating her with kid gloves, “Isn’t sure. I’m not getting any younger. My body’s taken a battering in the last five years alone. Can I honestly keep doing this?”

This was an honesty which Alex wasn’t expecting, “You’re as young as you feel.”

Serena, however, was relieved that Bernie was taking a pragmatic approach, “You’ll make the right decision. I’m proud of you going for counselling.”

Bernie gave Serena a strong nod of affirmation and a shy smile, “Well I haven’t started yet. The first session’s at Warwick Downs Army Base on Tuesday.” 

Alex watched the interaction between Bernie and Serena with a sense of unease creeping over her, “I won’t be able to take you. I’m working!”

Completely unaware of Alex’s disquiet Serena offered helpfully, “Don’t worry I can swap a shift with Ric and take you. If you want me to?”

Also unaware that Alex was battling her worse fears Bernie grinned at Serena, “Thank you.” 

“I could see if I can get the day off, and take you?” Alex wanted to be there for Bernie. She felt she should be there as her fiancée and because she had served with her during some of the more recent conflicts being present on both occasions when Bernie had been blown up. Maintaining a light and hopeful tone, she suggested, “I could see if I can get the day off and take you myself?” 

As if remembering Alex was there Bernie turned to her with a subtle shake of her head, “No need. Serena is here and able to take me.” Noticing the downcast look on Alex’s face the blonde tried to reason with her, “Silly for you to go to all that trouble and travelling for an outpatient appointment that’ll take an hour and is a thirty-minute drive away.” Pressing her lips to Alex’s cheek Bernie whispered, “Thank you though.”

***

At 8.30 p.m. Alex pushed her chair back from the dining table. She was full, comfortable and with the woman, she loved, “Thank you, Serena. That was delicious.”

Serena accepted the compliment but played it down with a wave of her hand, “You’re welcome. Thank M&S for their gastropub range.” Serena stood collecting the empty plates and cutlery taking them to the sink to rinse before putting them in the dishwasher. Pulling out three mugs and flicking the kettle on Serena asked, “Tea or Coffee?”

“What? No wine?” Bernie chuckled genuinely surprised.

With a chortle Serena put Bernie right about her assumption that alcohol would be imbibed, “You know very well, Berenice, I don’t drink on a school night! And you’re on strong analgesia so none for you either.”

Alex watched the unique dynamic between her fiancée and her fiancée ex. No one called Bernie, Berenice. No one. Not even Alex had gotten away with that. Bernie had made it clear she hated being called Berenice. But here was Serena Campbell using the name without any rebook from the major. That piqued her annoyance considering the dressing down she had received the first time she used Berenice.

“Tea for me and a milky coffee for Madame here,” Bernie answered nodding her head to the side to indicate she was talking about Alex. Not that Serena needed her to clarify.

Alex held her hand up cutting in, “Not for me. If you both don’t mind I’m going to have a bath and an early night.” She had this unrelenting need to get out of the room. To get away from the dynamic playing out between Bernie and Serena regardless of the fact she was sat there. She had so much to talk to Bernie about but little time and no privacy to do so. Today and tomorrow were her days off and being on an early shift the day after tomorrow meant Alex would have to leave at a reasonable time tomorrow evening in order to get home and prepare for work the following day.

Bernie pouted, “Really?” She was enjoying having the two women she loved around her.

Standing Alex leaned across and kissed Bernie’s cheek, “Really. I need a bath and an early night,” Reaching the kitchen door she turned back to Bernie, “Don’t come to bed too late. You’re tired.” Then turning to her hostess she bid her a good night, “Good night, Serena.”

“You’ll find fresh towels in the airing cupboard next to the bathroom. Just help yourself. Good night, Alex.” Serena’s smile was genuinely warm towards the younger woman.

It was another hour before Serena decided she had to bring the evening to a close and pack Bernie off to bed. She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth that she was packing her off to a bed she would share with another woman. But one of them had to be sensible and she did have work tomorrow even if Bernie didn’t, “If you want to stay up feel free to do so,” She stood and collected their empty mugs and once they were rinsed out placed them in the dishwasher. Turning she locked eyes with Bernie, “I think Alex will be wondering where you are, don’t you?” Bernie just stared back and Serena couldn’t quite read the blonde’s expression, “I don’t want to be accused of monopolising your company.” Serena added by way of an explanation. 

Bernie shook her head and grumbled, “You’re hardly doing that! I spend my time with who I want!”

Pleased that Bernie wanted to spend time with her, but mindful of the sad look on Alex’s face when she left the kitchen, Serena focused on what should happen not what she personally wanted to happen, “Bernie, I’m sure Alex would like some time with you before she has to leave for Birmingham tomorrow.” Moving to the door she turned and smiled at her best friend, “Good night, Bernie.”

Bernie returned the smile, “Good night, S’rena.”

Serena hovered in the kitchen doorway, “Don’t stay up too late. Alex is right, you look tired.” Receiving a subtle nod accompanied with a shy smile, in the form of an acknowledgement her concern had been understood, Serena left Bernie sat at the dining table hoping she would head to bed sooner rather than later. Heading for the stairs Serena wondered if she could survive tonight, let alone the weeks to come, knowing Bernie and Alex were sharing a bed a few rooms down. This was of her making so she could help Bernie. She would persevere and get through this as best she could. After all, that’s what you did for the woman who was the greatest love affair of your life.

Bernie jumped in the silence of the kitchen when a firework went off nearby. She had heard them gaining in frequency all evening. Alex and Serena’s company, the background music and their conversation had kept the noises outside at bay. Now that her distractions were gone she was at the mercy of her mind, her memories. She just had to manage till 11 p.m. when the fireworks would legally have to stop and her increasing torment would go for tonight. The DMRC Stamford Hall had been a safe haven from the triggering noises of life, such as backfiring cars and fireworks. Tucked in a rural setting meant she had not faced any PTSD triggers. Now she was away from there she could barely keep a lid on them. Bernie had lived with mild PTSD for several years but had manage with coping mechanisms.

Only now her PTSD was worse. Any loud noise made her jumpy and this was just inside the safety of Serena’s house. Bernie didn’t know how she’d react outside in everyday life. The result of being blown up one too many times she reasoned. Stoic and stubborn Bernie might be, but stupid and delusional she wasn’t. She knew the deterioration in her PTSD was not conducive with being a surgeon or leading a healthy happy life. Her PTSD had to be dealt with as soon as possible. That was why Bernie agreed to have counselling. Her mind needed to heal as much as her body did.

Picking up a freshly made mug of tea Bernie flicked the kitchen lights off and padded through to the living room. Once she had switched all the living room lights on, closed the door and drawn the curtains, Bernie was confident there was no way any flashes from the fireworks would be seen and trigger her. Settling on the large three-seater sofa she turned the TV on and selected Sky Cinema Comedy. The film about to start was, St. Trinian’s staring Paloma Faith and Rupert Everett. Bernie laid down on the sofa pulling the soft dove grey blanket over her and focused all her attention on the film.

Having dozed off three-quarters of the way through the film it was 1 a.m. when Bernie’s aching back woke her and she headed up to bed. Entering her bedroom she quietly eased into the room and found her army kit bag in the dark at the foot of the bed. Once in her pyjamas, she lifted the duvet and slid into bed beside Alex as gently as possible attempting not to wake her sleeping partner. Finally settled on her side Bernie felt Alex roll over towards her and slide her arm over Bernie’s waist. Her fiancée mumbled something incoherent and then began to gently snore. Bernie smiled happy she hadn’t disturbed her too much and amused at the noises Alex made in her sleep but always denied making when Bernie mentioned them.

***

Hearing the front door close and Serena leave for work Bernie and Alex got up. Breakfast had been a fairly quiet affair. They kept their choice of food light and Alex tried to ignore the irritation she felt at Bernie coming to bed so late. It had been their first night together in months and she had been looking forward to some alone time with her fiancée. More of a concern to her was Bernie not getting adequate rest to aid her recovery. Not wanting an argument she decided to keep her feelings to herself for now. But she was marking time on Bernie and wouldn’t let her get away with this for long.

They spent the rest of the morning going for a walk in the park at the end of Serena’s road and enjoyed a coffee and pastry inside the small café beside the lake. The afternoon was spent lounging together on the sofa in the conservatory. Alex relaxed back against Bernie, relishing being held in the other woman’s arms, and drew soft caressing circles on the back of Bernie’s hand. The loving touch lulled the blonde into a peaceful sleep much to Alex’s relief knowing she had only had a few hours’ sleep the night before.

Late afternoon Bernie had woken and decided she wanted a walk around the garden. Alex remained in the house watching her from the conservatory and wondering what the blonde was thinking. When Bernie lit a cigarette and stared off into the distance Alex decided she needed to be out there with her fiancée. 

Bernie turned around with her right arm wrapped around her chest and her hand tucked into her armpit enjoying the feeling of warmth dwelling there. She smiled, “You didn’t need to come out in the cold. I’ll be in in a minute.” Alex looked a little sheepish not wanting to admit her need to be close to her girlfriend. Bernie could see there was something concerning Alex and put her arm around her waist pulling her fiancée against. Placing a kiss to the side of Alex’s head she asked, “What’s up? You’re not usually clingy?”

Alex really wasn’t a needy person. She just wanted as much time with Bernie as possible given she wouldn’t be able to see her for a week. If she was honest though it was probably delayed shock. She had thought her fiancée had been killed and now Bernie was out of hospital she didn’t want to leave her for a second, “I want to spend as much time with you as possible. I have to leave in a few hours and won’t see you for a week.”

“We can Skype?” Bernie suggested helpfully keeping her tone light.

“We can. But it’s not the same.” Hearing Bernie hum in agreeance she leaned away slightly to study her fiancée's face, “I’m grateful for it. Don’t know what I’d do if we couldn’t video chat.” No more was said on the subject. Bernie enjoyed her cigarette and Alex enjoyed the blended scent of citrus shampoo, Bernie’s regular sandalwood based perfume and cigarette smoke. A smell that was unique only to Bernie. Alex rested her head on the blonde’s shoulder and inhaled savouring the scent and deciding she needed it as much as she needed oxygen.

Cigarette finished and both women feeling the chill of the late autumn breeze they headed back inside. Alex suggested they make dinner for Serena who would be home in two and a half hours. Bernie agreed that was a thoughtful idea and they set about making Chilli con Carne. Bernie laid the table and selected two bottles of Shiraz to have with the meal.

Their task complete they settled in the living room on the sofa with mugs of tea and waited for Serena to arrive home. They relaxed enjoying their tea and talked about taking a holiday once Bernie was fully recovered. Bernie wanted to go somewhere hot where she could lounge on a beach and swim. Alex wanted to go somewhere there clubs and restaurants. They ended up agreeing to park the idea for now and find a compromise on one of the Greek islands.

Alex leaned in and captured Bernie’s lips in a soft tentative kiss which asked for more. Bernie leaned into her girlfriend and kissed her back with passion. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies pushing underneath shirts and jumpers. Tongues pushed into each other’s mouths sweeping around tasting and caressing as they went. Fingers slid through hair and clutched and tugged at the soft brunette and blonde locks. Moans and groans filled the room. And at this moment they were lost to each other’s touch, taste and love. Nothing existed outside of their embrace and they took full advantage of being alone.

Their kisses and touches fuelled their pleasure and it became increasingly more passionate and it wasn’t long before the two women ended up laying on the sofa with Alex on top of Bernie with her right leg pushed between her fiancée's legs. Bernie pushed back against the firm thigh and rolled her hips seeking the release her body suddenly craved like a parched throat craved water on a hot day.

Engrossed in their passion for each other Bernie and Alex lost track of the time. They were abruptly brought back to the present when the living room door suddenly opened and in walked Serena, “I’m home-” Aware they were no longer alone and embarrassed at been caught like two naughty teenagers by a parent, Alex shot off Bernie and stood hurriedly buttoning up her shirt to preserve some dignity. Unfortunately, that left Bernie, with her shirt and jeans unbuttoned and open, exposed to Serena’s gaze. Serena averted her eyes from the sight of a taut abdomen and heaving chest. She absolutely refused to admit to noticing the pert nipples pressing against Bernie’s black bra or the kiss swollen lips and tousled hair, “Okay! You have a room for that!” She snapped, turned and left the room in a hurry.

Bernie groaned and covered her eyes with her right arm. When Alex started to chuckle she dropped her arm and glared at her, “It's not funny, Al!”

“Oh it is, Bern. It is,” Alex was still laughing seeing the funny side of the situation and believing once the shock had settled Serena would see the funny side too.

Bernie wasn’t seeing the funny side at all. She felt embarrassed and guilty at Serena seeing her making out with Alex. They had behaved like a pair of hormonal teenagers. It was unthoughtful, like rubbing her friend’s nose in the fact she was single while Bernie was now involved with Alex.

Alex stopped chuckling and regarded her fiancée with a slight frown, “We’re consenting adults and engaged to be married! I’m sure Serena is fine with it. Don’t be such a prude, Bern!”

Bernie was cross that Alex was treating Serena’s feelings so flippantly. She stood and hurriedly buttoned up her shirt, tucked it into her jeans and fastened them, “A little civility wouldn’t go a miss. This is Serena’s home and we are guests!”

Alex was puzzled by Bernie’s reaction, “Come on. We’re all adults-”

Bernie cut Alex off and grumbled, “That’s right adults, not hormonal teenagers! Serena’s right we have a room.” She stormed out of the room leaving Alex to her thoughts.

Usually Bernie would be drawn to Serena like a moth to a flame. But right now she wanted to be anywhere but having to face Serena Campbell. Tramping down on her instinct to run she found her friend sat at the kitchen island with a large glass of Shiraz and approached cautiously, “S’rena I-”

Serena couldn’t look at Bernie and held her hand out to stop her uttering another word. She was fighting two emotions, anger and desire. Anger at her living room being used by Bernie and Alex for sexual pleasure. Of course, she had used her sofa for such things but that was different. It was her sofa and she had been the one dishevelling Bernie! Coming face to face with a flushed, panting and bedraggled Berenice Wolfe with her bra and pants exposed and chest heaving was quite frankly far too much on any given day, but especially now she couldn’t jump on top and have Bernie take her to places only the major could.

The night before had been hard trying not to imagine what Bernie and Alex would be doing together or look like together, and she had done her best not to go there in the first place, but now she had that image indelibly embedded in her mind it would be impossible not to go there. Finally able to turn and look at Bernie, still flushed with swollen lips from the passionate kisses she had shared with Alex, Serena sighed and offered the embarrassed woman a shy smile, “Let’s, umm, let's draw a line over it. We’re all adults.”

Bernie was relieved Serena was willing to let the matter go and changed the subject in order to afford them both an escape from their shared embarrassment, “We made Chilli con Carne for tea.

The smile broadened on Serena’s face at the thoughtful gesture, “That was very kind. I’m starving.”

“Twenty minutes and we can eat,” Bernie moved round to the oven and pulled out the chilli. Setting a pot of water on the hob and adding some salt and rice she left it to cook, “How was your day?”

Serena enjoyed watching Bernie moving around her kitchen making dinner. If she allowed herself the indulgence of reminiscing it was almost like nothing had changed, that she hadn’t pushed Bernie away. That Bernie had never left and never been blown up. Never nearly been... Serena snapped out of her thoughts not wanting to go anywhere near where they were leading, “Oh usual bureaucracy mixed in with an emergency appendectomy, a care home with norovirus emptied onto AAU and a chlorine leak at the leisure centre swimming pool.”

Bernie turned with a concerned frown, “Blimey, busy day.”

“Could have used your help,” Serena added in a faraway tone. Her eyes fixed on the wine glass she was turning between her fingers watching the dark red liquid swirl around in it.

“We always did make a dream team,” Bernie muttered with a smile that lit her face as she stared at the woman across the kitchen island from her.

Standing in the kitchen doorway Alex watched Bernie and Serena for a moment. There was no mistaking the look reflected in her fiancée’s eyes towards Serena was a look of love. Serena had kept her focus on her wine glass so was unaware of any expression on Bernie’s face. Alex knew Bernie loved her, they were after all engaged to be married. But she was well aware of Bernie’s love for Serena. It was impossible not to know when Bernie talked about her so much. There hadn’t been a problem until now because Serena hadn’t been a constant presence in their lives until now. 

But now, now that had changed and Bernie could only have one of them. Alex didn’t believe, and certainly hadn’t seen any evidence to the fact, that Serena was in any way encouraging Bernie to display affection towards her. However as far as Alex was concerned whether Bernie’s reaction to Serena was conscious or subconscious was neither here nor there, it was a definite reaction. Watching Bernie and her ex was bringing out a side of Alex she hadn’t experienced before and that was jealousy, and she didn’t like it.

Making her presence known with a slight cough Alex proceeded into the kitchen and was greeted with a loving smile from Bernie. Returning the smile she stopped at the end of the kitchen island and decided an apology was the most appropriate course of action, “Serena I-”

Serena shook her head and interrupted, “Let it go. It’s done.”

Alex watched Bernie turn away to see to the cooked rice and wanted to make sure Serena understood she was sorry, “Ok. But I’m sorry you walked in on us.” When Serena raised an eyebrow that indicated the conversation was over Alex let it go satisfied her hostess had accepted her apology. Bernie removed the dish of chilli from the oven placing it on the kitchen island where Alex picked it up with an oven glove and took it to the dining table. Serena helped by collecting three plates from the Welsh dresser and set them on each of the place settings. Bernie tipped the rice into a sieve and after shaking a few times tipped the rice into a large dish and took that to the table.

Serena uncorked a bottle of Shiraz pouring Alex and Bernie a glass of wine each. The three women took turns to dish out rice and then chilli onto their plates. Bernie passed the grated mature cheddar to Serena and Alex passed Bernie the bowl of sour cream. Initially, they ate in companionable silence enjoying their meal. Eyes closed taking her third mouthful and swallowing it Serena was first to break the silence when she allowed a deep moan of pleasure to fill the space around the table.

Bernie nearly choked on the mouthful of chilli and rice she was swallowing at the time. The sound very familiar to her immediately triggered images of a naked sweaty and panting Serena Campbell underneath her on the verge of an orgasm. The reaction Serena’s moan elicited from Bernie had not been missed by Alex.

“Delicious. Just what I needed after the day I’ve had. Thank you both for making it.” Serena grinned at the other two women completely unaware of the effect she had had on Bernie.

“It was the least we could do. You’ve been very kind having Bernie stay,” Alex stated sincerely meaning what she was saying. 

The tension was gone and replaced with a light discussion which soon led to Alex and Serena swapping amusing stories about Bernie. The two women laughing at Bernie’s disgruntled moaning about being picked on. Alex put an end to Bernie’s protestations by pointing out the blonde secretly loved being the centre of attention. Serena topped up her wine glass and then half-filled Bernie’s, advising her that would be enough for tonight considering she had medication to take. Alex declined any more wine because she would be driving back to Birmingham soon and instead she poured herself some apple flavoured mineral water.

Dinner finished and pudding declined by Bernie and Alex, Serena stood and collected their plates and cutlery taking them to the sink to rinse off and then placed them in the dishwasher. Alex stretched her hand out across the table and took Bernie’s hand. They stared at each other sharing broad smiles and entwining their fingers.

Alex spoke softly, “I meant what I said about going with you on Tuesday.”

Bernie spoke in an equally soft tone, “Its fine, Al. Serena will take me.”

But that wasn’t the point. Bernie seemed oblivious to what Alex also needed so she tried again, “I want to be there. To support you.”

“You are supporting me. I won’t be on my own, Serena will be there. So no need to put yourself out.” Bernie genuinely thought she was doing the right thing for her fiancée.

That wasn’t what Alex wanted to hear. She was feeling pushed out and her needs dismissed or rather not acknowledged. Deciding now was as good a time as any to leave she let go of Bernie’s hand and excused herself to collect her rucksack from upstairs. A few minutes later Alex was in the hall putting her shoes on. Bernie joined her and held her coat out in order for her fiancée to slip her arms into it. The shift in Alex’s demeanour had not gone unnoticed by Bernie. Alex turned and pulled Bernie into a tight hug, “I don’t want to go. I don’t want you to be on your own during the days.”

Attempting to reassure her partner Bernie leaned back gazing into soft blue eyes full of concern and very much full of love, “I’ll be fine. Serena will be here evenings and weekends.”

Serena could hear the conversation taking place in the hall and rolled her eyes at Bernie’s comment. That’s not what Alex was going to want to hear. It’s certainly not what she would want to hear in Alex’s shoes. Glancing from the kitchen island down the hall to where the two women were pulling out of a kiss, Serena waited for Bernie to put things right.

It was obvious Alex was waiting too and when Bernie just stood smiling Alex huffed and gave up, “Bye Bern. I’ll call when I’m home.” She leaned in and pecked Bernie’s lips.

Serena watched the door open shut abruptly and could throttle Bernie. She really was the worst communicator she had ever known. Standing at the kitchen door, with her arms folded over her chest, Serena scolded Bernie, “You’re meant to tell her, you love her and will miss her!”

Bernie looked sheepish and pulled open the door in time to catch Alex getting into her car, “Love you, Al. I’ll miss you.”

Alex swallowed the hard lump in her throat. She waved and smiled back in acknowledgement unable to speak while a combination of fear, sorrow and anger fought for dominance over her mood and thoughts. She pulled out of the drive and headed back to her room in the doctor and nurses accommodation block at Queen Elizabeth’s hospital, Birmingham. It would take her two hours to get back and be a week before she could visit Bernie again. Unless she could pull in some favours.

When Bernie returned to the kitchen Serena handed her a mug of tea. The silver-haired woman took a long sip of tea and pondered how to broach what she had to say. Deciding on being direct because Bernie hated long-winded discussions, “You will have to try harder with her.”

A frown formed on Bernie’s forehead between her eyes. She really wasn’t grasping what Serena meant, “Pardon?”

Nodding to the front door in order to indicate she was talking about Alex, Serena elaborated, “Your fiancée, Alex. Bernie you need to reassure her you are fine.”

Bernie still wasn’t grasping what Serena was getting at, “I do. I told her I’d be fine and you’re here in the evenings and weekends.”

Rolling her eyes Serena put her mug down and regarded Bernie with a hard stare, “I know you’re not that obtuse!”

Bernie dipped her head and sipped her tea contemplating what Serena had said, “I don’t need to be dealing with irrational jealousy.”

Serena gave her a sympathetic smile, “Then don’t feed her insecurity with insensitive comments.” Bernie was looking tired. It had been a long day for her and her medication was kicking in, “Why don’t you have a bath and an early night.”

Pouting Bernie stood up straight, “Are you bored of me already?”

With a snort, Serena shook her head, “Hardly. But you look tired.”

Finishing her mug of tea Bernie lowered the mug towards the kitchen island when an extremely loud bang went off close to the house. This was immediately followed by a second loud bang and then third loud bang with all three explosions accompanied by bright flashes of white light. The stoic army major visibly jumped when each bang and flash of light went off. She couldn’t help letting go of the mug and it fell onto the tiled floor smashing into several pieces. Bernie stood trembling, her eyes wide like saucers and her breathing coming in short ragged breaths.

Serena stared with her mouth open and eyebrows raised in surprise. She had helped Bernie with mild symptoms of PTSD. They had never named it, and as far as she was aware Bernie had never been diagnosed with it, but as a doctor, she had recognised the signs of PTSD. But she had never seen such an extreme reaction from Bernie. For as long as she had known her Bernie had been a little jumpy and didn’t sleep so well around Bonfire Night. But then the nightmares were no more nor no less than at other times and had certainly never seemed to be a huge issue. Serena had worked out the triggers, loud explosive sounds such as fireworks, a car backfiring or a large surgical trolley being knocked over. Then there was stress and lack of sleep. For the most part, Bernie coped very well for someone who had seen so much active military service in war and disaster zones.

Now however she was coming undone at the seams. But then this was the second time she’d been blown up so Serena felt her best friend was more than entitled to come undone. Suddenly realising Bernie needed her she shot around the kitchen island to reach her. Coming back to her senses Bernie found Serena stood in front of her talking calmly. One hand holding her right upper arm and the other cupping the left side of her jaw. Her thumb caressing the cheek beneath it. “Breathe. Breathe, Bernie. You’re safe, its fireworks. Today's the 5th of November.”

Looking around taking in her surroundings Bernie licked her lower lip and took a steadying breath. Closing her eyes she pushed a hand through her messy fringe and huffed out on a shaky breath, “Fireworks!”

“It’s Bonfire Night.” Serena reminded her and was concerned at the reaction Bernie had suffered.

Feeling embarrassed Bernie pulled away from Serena and mumbled she’d have a shower and go to bed. Bidding Serena goodnight she retreated from the room as quick as she was physically able to. Serena watched her retreating back and knew with certainty that Bernie had to deal with the psychological trauma of her recent dice with death and all the others for that matter. She was only able to let Bernie walk away because she knew Bernie would be starting much-needed counselling on Tuesday. Only seven days away.

***

Bernie didn’t return downstairs again that evening so Serena had assumed she had taken a bath and was now having an early night tucked up in bed. After watching the nightly news she switched the TV off at 10.30 p.m. and made sure the house was locked up and headed to bed. Reaching the top landing Serena noticed light shining from Bernie’s room into the hall. The door was wide open and in the stillness of the house, Serena could hear whimpering. It took a moment for her to realise the noise was coming from Bernie’s room and it correlated with the loud explosive bangs and flashes of light the fireworks being let off in neighbouring gardens and streets were emitting. With that realisation dawning, she drew the only conclusion possible.

Bernie was suffering.

Rushing along the landing to Bernie’s room Serena walked straight in finding her under the duvet in the centre of the bed in the foetal position. Rocking back and forth clutching a pillow over her head Bernie repeated a mantra, “Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop...”

Serena’s heart nearly broke. She had never seen her beloved Bernie in such a distressed state, well apart from when she found her seriously injured in Mogadishu. But this was different. This was psychological pain. Not wanting to make her friend worse by startling her Serena spoke clearly and calmly, “Bernie? It’s Serena. You’re not alone. It’s Serena and I am with you. You are safe. Do you hear me? It’s not ordinance you hear. It’s fireworks.”

A loud bang went off close to the house and Serena wished she could turn the sound off. It was Bonfire Night and people would be letting fireworks off until next Sunday which is usually the case when Bonfire Night fell during the week. Some people had their firework parties the weekend before, others during the week and the rest the weekend after. All of which resulted in protracted distress for veterans and pets alike. Serena loved fireworks just as much as anyone else, just not the loud ones that sounded like you were stood next to a large military field gun and made the windows of the house shake with the vibration. She really didn’t see the need for those type of fireworks.

Bernie whimpered and shook, even more, when another loud explosion shook the windows. Psychiatry hadn’t been Serena’s favourite part of medical school but she remembered enough to know in order to help Bernie she had to divert her attention away from the fireworks and onto something which would ease her anxiety. So Serena did the one thing she knew would help. Climbing onto the bed she rested a hand on Bernie’s shoulder. The woman jumped, “Shush, I’m here. You’re safe.” Pulling on the duvet Serena requested, “You going to let me in?”

Bernie released her vice-like grip of the duvet allowing Serena to climb in beside her. Pulling the pillow off Bernie’s head she placed it under her own head and when Bernie went to protest Serena stopped her in her tracks, “I need a pillow for my head.” Once settled Serena opened her arms and offered, “Want a hug?” Bernie didn’t need asking twice and shot into Serena’s arms clinging onto her as if her life depended on it. For Bernie that was exactly how it felt and her constantly trembling body flinched and jumped with every wiz, pop and bang emitted by the fireworks. Bernie buried her face into the crook of Serena’s neck hiding her eyes from the bright flashes still visible over the lights in the room.

Serena tightened her embrace around Bernie pulling her tight against her. Hoping her love and support would seep from her body to Bernie’s and give her the strength to bear her nightmares. Placing her lips on the top of Bernie’s head Serena kissed the damp blonde locks. Moving her mouth down to Bernie’s ear Serena whispered words of support and stroked light circles on Bernie’s back, her pyjama top damp with perspiration, “I know this will be difficult but I need you to listen to my voice. Concentrate on my voice, Bernie.”

Bernie stuttered out, “Stop. Th-the noise. S’rena, pl-ple-please stoppp, the noise!”

Serena’s heart broke for this incredibly brave woman, “I wish I could. I do. But I can’t.” Fighting back tears at the state Bernie was in Serena tried again in a voice thick with emotion, “Listen to me I have an idea. Where’s your iPod?” Bernie nodded in the direction of the bedside table behind Serena. 

When Serena turned to retrieve the device from the bedside table behind her Bernie panicked and gripped hold of Serena for dear life, “Don’t leave me!” She pleaded. Serena’s presence was the only hold she had on reality right now.

Serena kissed her cheek, “I promise I won’t leave you. I just want to get your iPod. Okay?” Bernie wasn’t letting go so Serena tried again, “Do you trust me?” When Bernie nodded in the affirmative Serena continued, “Then believe me I am not leaving you. I just need a little room to reach your iPod.” After two beats Bernie relaxed enough to allow Serena to turn and grab the iPod and earbuds. Bernie had treated herself to wireless earbuds. Handing one to Bernie the blonde placed it into her left ear with her right ear pressed against the pillow the noise was reduced but not cancelled out, yet. Serena put her earbud into her right ear and handed Bernie the iPod, “You choose the music. I don’t care what we listen to.”

Bernie fiddled with the menu on her iPod and selected an album she felt would both drown out the noise of the fireworks and be soothing for her and Serena. She found the compilation she had put together when she was far from home, far from Serena and her children and stressed out. It was titled, ‘Deployment Tracks’. There were forty tracks in total on it;

1) Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield 2) Let it Be by The Beatles 4) I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor 5) Elastic Heart by Sia 6) The Sound of Silence by Disturbed 7) Shepherd Moons by Enya 8) Lose Yourself by Eminem 9) Colour Me In by Damien Rice 10) White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons 11) Rise by Eddie Vedder 12) Lullabye by Billy Joel 13) Fear by Blue October 14) Future Looks Good by OneRepublic 15) Once Upon a Dream by Lana del Rey 16) You are not Alone by Astraea 17) The Story – Brandi Carlile 18) Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman 19) The Promise by Tracy Chapman 20) She Keeps Me Warm by Mary Lambert 21) You’re Beautiful by James Blunt 22) Patience by Take That 23) The Photograph by Ed Sheeran 24) Bloodstream by Ed Sheeran 25) Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran 26) Perfect by Ed Sheeran 27) Here with Me by Dido 28) Thank You by Dido 29) In My Life by The Beatles 30) Hey Jude by The Beatles 31) Paint it Black by The Rolling Stones 32) Time to Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman 33) Independent Love Song by Scarlet 34) Running Up That Hill by Placebo 35) My Immortal by Evanescence 36) Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis 37) Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol 38) Fix You by Cold Play 39) Ho Hey by The Lumineers 40) Goodnight by Buffy Sainte-Marie

Serena drew soothing circles on Bernie’s back and kept her lips against Bernie’s forehead so her troubled friend could feel the vibration against her skin and hummed along to each song. Serena recognised all of the songs. She had either heard them on the radio, had the artists CD or heard them coming from Elinor’s room. But quite a few of the tracks she would never have associated with Bernie. There were tracks she was sure Bernie had no clue who was singing them, but obviously enjoyed the tune or maybe the words had a specific meaning for her or perhaps they reminded her of a person or moment. Serena was intrigued by the eclectic mix of tracks and wanted to know why Bernie chose these particular tracks to make a compilation and what they all meant to her. But it would be a conversation they would have some time in the future. Now definitely was not the right time.

It took a while but between the distractions of Serena’s presence and the music Bernie eventually began to relax and her breathing evened out. The sense of being surrounded by Serena’s non-judgemental support, her love and concentrating on the songs allowed the good memories associated with each track to flood her mind and that combination was had the desired effect. Soon Bernie’s mind blocked out the fireworks to the point she almost forgot about them. Nuzzling her face into the crook of Serena’s neck, no longer able to see the bright flashes of light emitted by the fireworks, Bernie inhaled the familiar scent that was Serena Campbell. Cuddled into the warm soft body of the woman she loved Bernie enjoyed the loving soft caresses Serena’s fingers were playing across her back and was lulled into a much-needed sleep. Bernie felt safe and secure in the arms of the woman who knew her so well and always had her back. Her Serena.

Serena smiled when she felt Bernie go completely limp in her arms and her breaths against her neck became even. She was going to call to the Alexa Dot and ask for the lights to be turned off in the room but decided she’d leave the bedside lights on in case the darkness was too much for Bernie to cope with if she woke up. Serena was still fully clothed but she couldn’t leave Bernie having promised she would stay with her. Closing her eyes she allowed herself the pleasure of sharing a bed with Bernie Wolfe again and having the greatest love of her life in her arms again. “Soak it up, Campbell. It’s not like this will become a regular or more intimate thing!” The sniping voice in her head scolded. But for Serena, this was as intimate as it could possibly get with Bernie. The stoic major rarely showed her emotions, and even rarer shared her emotions, and when she did it was out of complete trust. Serena felt privileged to be on the receiving end even if she preferred that Bernie was not suffering like this.

Bernie didn’t ask for any company the next night, she hadn’t needed to, because Serena took it upon herself to join her. After packing Bernie off for a bath Serena had taken a shower herself and then with both of them wearing soft cotton pyjamas they climbed into Bernie’s bed. They subconsciously settled into a silent ritual where Serena would pass Bernie an earbud and the iPod. The blonde would place the earbud into her left ear and regard Serena with a shy smile from under her messy fringe. Serena would put the other earbud into her right ear. The bedside table lights would be left on and once both women were snuggled down under the duvet Serena would open her arms and welcome Bernie into a loving cuddle. Once nestled in her sanctuary Bernie would select the file ‘Deployment Tracks’ on her iPod.

Serena found that no matter how tired she was she wouldn’t go to sleep until she knew Bernie was asleep first. For the next five nights, the comforting ritual was repeated and the two friends would drift off to sleep listening to the forty music tracks again and again and again. And with the passing of each night, Bernie found it easier and easier to sleep and maintain her sleep with fewer and fewer nightmares disturbing her.

Serena marvelled at how Bernie Wolfe was very much a force of nature. She was convinced her big macho army medic would overcome any adversity she met, be it physical or psychological. Major Wolfe was the living embodiment of her regimental motto, “In Arduis Fidelis” (Faithful in Adversity). And Serena Campbell would support her in her endeavours to regain her mobility, independence and the career she not only loved but was by far the best at in the country.


	9. Cause Who’s To Worry If Our Hearts Get Torn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie starts her counselling. Serena gets to see Bernie in uniform and in a military setting. Charlotte makes a surprise visit to see her mum and mother and daughter have a long talk.

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Monday 11th November 2019:

Tomorrow was going to be a big day for Bernie. Today however was Remembrance Day. Remembrance services were always held on the Sunday nearest to the 11th November if the date fell during the week and was known as Remembrance Sunday. Bernie had decided to forgo attending any services this year and had spent yesterday reading the Lancet and 'This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor', a nonfiction book by Adam Kay she had bought for her Kindle. She was still recovering both physically and mentally from her most recent injuries. And Serena felt Bernie had earned the right to stay away if that was what she wanted.

As day became evening Bernie had become more withdrawn. By mid-evening, she had dozed off on the settee and as often happened recently when she closed her eyes she eventually had a nightmare. For the past five nights, she had called out one name, Lorna. Serena had never heard Bernie talk of a Lorna in her life but her most recent nightmares seemed to include someone called Lorna. It was clear the nightmare Bernie was experiencing was as bad as the ones she had suffered for the past five nights.

Serena knelt beside Bernie and gently stroked her left cheek speaking softly she coaxed her friend out of the nightmare gently. Bernie opened her eyes and sighed. She had given up being embarrassed about her nightmares knowing she was safe with Serena.

“How long?” Bernie croaked and swallowed a couple of times trying to bring moisture to her dry throat.

“Just a couple of minutes.” Serena rubbed Bernie’s arm and watched her blink a few times trying to get her baring’s. Satisfied Bernie was with it Serena probed, “Who is Lorna?”

Bernie visibly flinched, “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious. You’ve mentioned her in most of your nightmares for the past five nights and just now.” Serena explained.

Bernie shrugged and wouldn’t look at Serena, “I served with her. My nightmares are regressing backwards over my twenty-five year's service.” Bernie hoped that would be enough of an explanation for Serena. She really couldn’t bring herself to explain any further. Pushing herself up Bernie swung her legs over the side of the settee and sat for a moment with her forearms resting on her thighs.

Serena stood up and patted Bernie’s shoulder, “I’ll make us a mug of tea each. Why don’t you pick a film? It might help take your mind off things?” Bernie lifted her head and smiled up at Serena. Consoled Bernie was fine Serena left her to make their tea. Pulling out a box of sweet and salty popcorn she emptied the contents into a bowl and set it in the microwave to cook while she made the tea. Knowing Bernie would enjoy the sweet treat while watching the film.

***

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Tuesday 12th November 2019:

Both women had gone to bed later than intended. Serena had thought they’d only be watching one film. But after watching ‘The Heat’ with Mellissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock, Bernie suggested they watch ‘Spy’ also starring Mellissa McCarthy. Seeing how the comedy film had been a welcome distraction for Bernie, Serena couldn’t refuse the request. However, when a grumpy Bernie complained at being woken the following morning Serena did take offence and reminded her best friend that it was her idea to watch a second film last night. 

At 09.15 a.m. Serena finished off the last of her coffee enjoying a video Greta had sent on WhatsApp of Guinevere babbling to her teddy bear. She looked up when Bernie walked into the kitchen and time stood still. The air left her lungs causing her head to swim and she couldn’t take her eyes off her friend.

Bernie was dressed in her British army standard issue PCS-CU (Personal Clothing System – Combat Uniform) MTP (Multi-Terrain Pattern) camouflage uniform. An olive green moisture-wicking t-shirt was under the MTP shirt. The shirt had the RAMC TRF (Tactical Recognition Flash) sewn onto the top of the right sleeve and a Union Jack flag patch sewn onto the top of the left sleeve. Below the Union Jack was the RAMC regimental badge. A rank slide, with a silver crown identifying her rank of major, stat in the middle of her chest. A stable belt, with the RAMC three colour bands of navy blue at the top, dull cherry in the centre and old gold at the bottom completed by a chrome buckle with the RAMC crest on it was fastened around her thin waist. Her MTP trousers were tucked in and folded over the top of polished black ammunition boots. Bernie’s hair had been put into a French plat and tucked under a dark blue regimental beret. The army major tugged the right side of the beret down into a slope pointing towards her right eye making sure the regimental badge, which was pinned to an oval dull cherry backing patch, was directly above her left eye.

When Serena eventually came to her senses it was to an annoyingly smug major regarding her with a smirk, head tilted to the right and her arms folded over her chest, “I take it I pass inspection?”

Embarrassed at being caught staring Serena cleared her throat. Not daring to look at the vision that was Major Berenice Wolfe stood in her kitchen in uniform she now regretted offering to drive Bernie to her counselling appointment. And prayed she would be able to keep her eyes on the road and not crash the car. Bernie was regarding her with a raised eyebrow obviously waiting for a reply, “Sorry that wasn’t rhetorical was it?”

“No.” Bernie chuckled. Her ego definitely benefitting from Serena’s reaction.

“Well, I think it’s safe to say you look quite a sight in that uniform.” That said Serena made a hasty retreat to the hall collecting her coat and car keys.

Bernie followed her and took her PCS-CU MTP camouflage uniform jacket off the newel post where she had left it on her way downstairs. The jacket also had the RAMC TRF (Tactical Recognition Flash) sewn onto the top of the right sleeve and a Union Jack flag patch sewn onto the top of the left sleeve. Below the Union Jack was the RAMC regimental badge. Once the jacket was fastened a rank slide with a silver crown denoting her rank as a major was in the centre of her chest.

Late autumn brought a mix of weather patterns across the British Isles which wasn’t particularly different from any other season in that regard. Today the weather was a mix of sunny spells and cloudy patches. It had rained first thing in the morning but that precipitation had cleared and given way to a watery autumnal sun which lasted throughout the morning. The 8c (46f) temperature was a couple of degrees above the seasonal average but a moderate westerly breeze kept the real feel to around average.

***

The drive to Warren Downs army base took thirty minutes and was mostly completed in companionable silence. Serena was trying to concentrate on driving and Bernie’s mood was spiralling downwards at the prospect she would be speaking to a military psychotherapist in under an hour. All too soon they had cleared the main gate, entered the base and were parking up outside the medical centre.

When Bernie made no attempt to move Serena turned to her with a sympathetic smile, “You’ll be fine. It’s just a chat.”

Bernie turned to her friend and sighed, “A formal chat with a military psychotherapist who has the power over my future!”

Serena took Bernie’s hand between both of her, “Nonsense. You’re the one who has the power over your future.”

Bernie snorted, “It’s obvious you’ve never been in the army!”

Serena opened her door and got out of the car, “Come on major. If you’re a good girl I’ll buy you lunch on the way home.” That offer cheered Bernie up and gave her something to look forward to.

Soldiers and medics saluted Bernie and she returned their salutes, and at the very least made sure to acknowledge them, as was required of a commissioned British officer. Serena felt a thrill shoot through her at being with Major Wolfe. Bernie seemed taller and more assertive even for her. This really was Bernie the army girl. A side of Bernie Serena had never been privy to until now and she was enjoying every single minute of it.

The medical centre was a decent size for the base and offered an array of services to serving personnel from general practice, antenatal care, minor injuries, physiotherapy and psychotherapy. Entering the building Bernie removed her regimental beret and once she had checked in made her way to the small waiting area, between the reception desk and the consulting rooms, where Serena was sat waiting for her. Bernie was almost at her seat when a consulting room door opened and a uniformed brunette in her early forties and her hair braided into a miliary bun stepped out. Wearing an identical uniform to Bernie with the only difference being her central rank slide. Instead of a silver crown, this officer’s rank slide had three silver vertical Bath Stars denoting her rank as captain.

“Major Wolfe?” The younger officer stood to attention. Bernie turned to regard the officer who introduced herself, “Captain Emma Preston, Clinical Psychologist.”

Liking the fact she was senior to her psychotherapist Bernie decided she was feeling benevolent and would cut the captain a little slack, “I think we can dispense with the formalities don’t you?”

With a smile, Captain Preston tilted her head towards her consultation room, “This way please?” and led Bernie to the consulting room nearest to the waiting area. Serena indulged herself watching the retreating figure of Major Berenice Wolfe and her small tight backside hugged in army fatigues. Letting out a slow breath Serena lifted her eyes to the ceiling and began to recite the Hippocratic Oath as a distraction from her mounting lascivious thoughts regarding Berenice ‘bloody’ Wolfe.”

Inside the consulting room, Captain Preston moved around her desk and collected Bernie’s patient file. Indicating to the two leather armchairs in front of her desk she offered one to Bernie. Making sure her patient was as relaxed as possible Captain Preston asked, “Can I get you tea, coffee or water?” Bernie declined the offer of refreshments and Emma paused in her movements, holding Bernie’s file in her right hand, she queried, “I take it you’ve been fully briefed on why you’re here today?”

Bernie’s replied succinctly, “Yes.”

Emma dropped her gaze to glance over Major Wolfe’s file, “Recently received serious injuries in a terrorist attack in Mogadishu. Lost a member of your team in the same attack.”

This was the side of counselling Bernie found tedious, being told what she already knew. She had been there. Was having nightmares about it. This was about her. She didn’t need a recap like this was some sort of soap opera being played out on television. But she had promised Serena to play nice and she had asked for counselling. So she played along, “Major Frank Carter. We did six tours together. Two in Iraq and four in Afghanistan. He was a respected colleague and friend.”

Emma kept her eyes on the report in her lap. She had already read Major Wolfe’s file in-depth and was both impressed and intrigued. This was a decorated and experienced army officer with twenty-five years of army service in both war zones and disaster zones. An officer who had been injured on active duty on four separate occasions with the most recent two being life-threatening and both the result of being blown up. Major Wolfe had never sought counselling before. Emma was curious what had changed this time to lead this woman, this officer, to be sat in front of her now. Even given that Major Wolfe had readily complied to be here didn’t mean the next hour would be easy for either of them. “That’s some history. Must have been hard to have lost him?”

Bernie had her legs crossed and was leaning back in her armchair. Her arms folded neatly on her lap she regarded the junior officer opposite her with some scepticism. How could she understand what it was like to operate in the field? To lose friends and colleagues in a war zone. Serena’s voice was there again telling her to answer the question. “It was. I wasn’t able to go to the funeral.”

That admission made Emma look up at her patient, “Oh.”

Bernie clarified, “I was in an induced coma. Fortunately, I have little memory of the explosion and the days following it. I wasn’t aware Frank had been killed until I had recovered from my surgery and regained my memories.” Bernie paused and stared down at her clasped hands, “He survived long enough to be medivaced back to Queen Elizabeth Hospital. He only survived a further week.”

“That’s a lot to process for anyone.” Emma was making notes in Bernie’s file.

Bernie informed her psychotherapist, “I have lost… Other friends. Too many. But you throw yourself back into the work and carry on the best you can. I’m there to save lives not wallow in perpetual sorrow for the lost.”

Emma looked up and stared right at Bernie with a neutral expression, “Would you say you’re good at compartmentalising your feelings? Putting things to the back of your mind until you’re ready to deal with them?”

Bernie nodded, “I suppose I am. Yes.”

Emma crossed her right leg over her left and looked down at the file resting on her lap “The problem is. There is only so long you can keep those feelings locked away. It’s like trying to close a door in a storm.”

And so it begins Bernie thought to herself and replied instinctually in a sarcastic manner, “Being British we’re used to the bad weather aren’t we?”

Emma ignored the remark and the tone it was delivered in, “Tell me about Captain Lorna Mackenzie?”

That had been right out of the left field and Bernie was about to object to the question she didn’t expect without a little warning but chose to answer instead, “She was my best friend. We went through university together, joined the army together, went through Sandhurst together and we served together for a number of years before she was killed in action during our first tour of Afghanistan.”

Emma lifted her eyes to look at Bernie briefly and in a soft tone continued to probe, “You must have been devastated. Especially given that you were there, that she died in your arms while you were under heavy enemy artillery fire.”

Bernie frowned and sighed, “I was at the time. But you carry on the best you can and try and move on.”

“It’s not always that easy though is it? And you never took a leave of absence.” Emma kept her tone and facial expression neutral.

Bernie crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes, “It’s how I was raised. You dust you’re self-off. You carry on.”

Emma allowed herself a small smile. She stopped writing for a moment and held Bernie’s stare, “Is that why you’ve never had counselling?”

It was true Bernie had never had counselling. In fact, she had avoided counselling all of her adult life for a reason. She didn’t believe prying into her past and analysing her feelings would achieve anything. But out of professional respect where Bernie used a scalpel to fix a patient she acknowledged as a psychotherapist Captain Preston used words. Being difficult towards this woman wouldn’t benefit her and defeated the point of her being there, “Truthfully?”

Emma smirked, “I expect nothing else.”

“My dad used to say if it isn’t broken don't fix it. I didn’t feel broken. The best thing for me was to carry on. I needed to work.” Bernie smiled at the thought of her father and the wisdom he had imparted to her over the years.

“Being in Mogadishu with the insurgents and terrorists must have stirred up a lot of memories for you,” Emma asked and returned to her note-taking again.

“I was there to do a job. I don’t allow time for distractions.” Bernie’s tone was brusque.

“Right.” Emma closed Bernie’s patient file and smiled, “I think we’ve probably got as far as we’re going to get today.”

Always the clinician Bernie was trying to self-diagnose or rather get to the point. She really did hate prevaricating which was another reason she didn’t favour counselling as a treatment for herself, “You think I’ve got PTSD.”

Emma shook her head knowing exactly what the major was up to, “Not necessarily. But let’s not rule anything out at this stage.”

“What do you think?” Bernie wasn’t giving up trying to get an answer. At her age and rank, she wasn’t used to not getting an answer when she asked for one.

Emma smiled kindly not about to give in to a diagnosis she hadn’t made yet. Or to speculate what her diagnosis would be, “I think we should continue our discussion next Tuesday.”

Bernie accepted as the patient in this situation she had to allow her psychotherapist to lead and a diagnosis would only be forthcoming when one was available. She really hadn’t expected to have a single consultation and be discharged. Bernie stood, gave Emma a tight smile and turned to head for the door. 

Watching the major take two steps away from her Emma spoke as if it was an afterthought she was sharing, “It’s funny I’ve been a serving officer for nearly twelve years now and I still can’t stand the sight of blood.” 

The unexpected statement caused Bernie to stop and turn around. In true Wolfe sarcasm, she retorted, “Thank God you’re not a medic!”

Stepping up to Bernie, Emma folded her arms over her chest and tilted her head to the right studying the major she queried, “Just out of interest if you were tending to a deep cut how would you go about treating it?”

Bernie’s first thought was to point out she wasn’t there to offer first aid instruction. But was weary and wanted to leave, “First of all I would make sure the wound was thoroughly cleaned. Then I would make the decision whether to stitch it up or put a gauze on it.”

“Why not just leave it to the elements?” The question was asked in all seriousness by the psychotherapist although Bernie knew the woman wasn't that clueless.

Bernie pushed her hands into her trouser pockets and grinned at Emma understanding where this was going, “Because it would get infected.”

“And the wound would fester,” Emma dropped her arms to her sides and regarded Bernie with a warm smile, “Then it’s rather like grief. Treat it and you can begin to heal. Leave it untouched and it can start to do some real damage.”

Bernie nodded twice and lifted her right hand, which held her navy beret, pointed at the other woman with a smile, “Captain.” Then turned and left.

Pulling her beret back on in practised style Bernie had it positioned without use of a mirror. Both hands gripped either side wriggled it once to make sure it was centred and then a couple of tugs down to the right she was satisfied it was correctly positioned. Bernie walked away from the medical centre with Serena by her side and a young man Bernie recognised approached. Bernie stopped abruptly and saluted him. Serena did a double-take. She wasn’t clued up on all military protocols but the one thing she did know was that a commissioned officer in the British army didn’t stand at attention and salute a non-commissioned officer. The man had a crown above three chevrons on his rank slide. 

He came to a halt and returned the salute, “Ma’am.” Lowering his hand he regarded Bernie with a big smile, “It’s good to see you, Major Wolfe.”

Bernie folded her arms over her chest and returned an equally big smile, “You suit the crown addition to the stripes Staff Sergeant Lane.”

If it was at all possible the young soldier seemed to grow a foot in height at Bernie’s praise, “All thanks to you major.”

With a shake of the head and a chuckle, Bernie disagreed, “Nonsense. It’s all down to you, Alistair.”

He may be her subordinate but he wasn’t going to let Bernie pass all the praise on to him. Patting his right thigh he joked, “It was you who saved my leg and the boys. The missus and I are forever in your debt!”

Bernie threw her head back and let loose her trademark honking goose laugh, “Glad I was able to.” Serena would never ever tire hearing that laugh and it seemed the soldier was amused to hear it again too.

“Had our first child three months ago. A girl.” His face lit up sharing the news that he was a proud new father.

Bernie was thrilled for the young soldier, “Congratulations to you and your wife.”

The staff sergeant cleared his throat and with a slight smirk announced, “We named her, “Emily Berenice.”

Bernie swallowed the hard at the lump forming in her throat at the kind gesture. “I don’t know what to say.” She chortled, “Except thank God Berenice isn’t her first name!”

“Yeah, my wife put her foot down at that.” The staff sergeant chuckled glancing at the ground and then his demeanour turned serious and he looked Bernie in the eye, “But she will learn all about her namesake, the brave Major Berenice Wolfe, who saved her dad’s life.”

Bernie was beyond touched by his gesture and sincerity, “I am honoured Staff Sergeant Lane. I won’t keep you any longer.”

The staff sergeant smiled and saluted, “Ma’am!” turned on his heels and briskly walked away.

Back inside the car and seat belts on Serena went to turn the ignition on and paused turning to look at Bernie who was gazing out of the side window, “My military knowledge is somewhat lacking. But even I know majors don’t salute staff sergeants.”

Bernie turned her head slowly to look at Serena, “We don’t.”

“But you just did.” Serena pointed in the direction they had just come from.

“I did. But I wasn’t saluting Staff Sergeant Lane’s rank. I happen to know that young man is the recipient of the Victoria Cross for bravery while under enemy fire. He saved two other soldiers while badly injured and engaged the enemy killing ten insurgents. He’s a true hero.”

Serena looked between Bernie and the spot they had stood talking to Staff Sergeant Lane and then back to Bernie. “And he said you saved his life. Why do I get the impression that wasn’t in a field hospital?”

Bernie smiled, but it wasn’t one of joy or mischief more melancholy, “It wasn’t. I treated him and his two comrades in the desert and then in the Wolfhound I arrived in en route to the field hospital.”

Serena snorted, “You’re pulling my leg! Wolfhound?”

Bernie raised one eyebrow and replied in a tone that she would only usually address a very dim new recruit or F1, “The Wolfhound is a six-wheeled heavily-armoured truck and one of the vehicles used in the Tactical Support Vehicle group. It’s used to accompany front line patrols as well as carry essential supplies like water, medical equipment and ammunition. And it’s armed with a 7.62 GPMG for self-defence!”

Feeling suitably corrected Serena asked in a cheeky tone, “So this saluting thing. What is it all about?”

Bernie smirked, “Saluting an officer is acknowledging Her Majesty the Queen as Head of State and the soldier is saluting the rank the officer holds, the Queen’s commission, rather than the officer themselves. When an officer returns the salute, it is done so on behalf of the Queen. But an officer is not required to return every salute. All officers have to do is to acknowledge a salute was rendered.”

Serena thought about that and feeling a little uneducated in military matters enquired in a serious tone, “And the significance of the Victoria Cross and you saluting a junior rank?”

Bernie smiled understanding Serena wasn’t familiar with military traditions or regulations, “It’s a custom of the armed forces. I’ve never seen it written down. But it’s accepted good form to salute a VC recipient, irrespective of the rank of the individual concerned. It’s our highest military award and the vast majority are awarded posthumously. So it’s a very rare honour and a privilege to meet one.”

“So the boys he mentioned you’d saved were the two other soldiers?” Serena asked innocently.

Bernie barked out a loud goose honking laugh, “HAHA! We were able to save the other two soldiers. But he was referring to his balls.”

Serena couldn’t suppress her mirth, “Well no wonder he and his wife were grateful.”

Bernie pointed ahead, “You promised me lunch. Drive Campbell!” Serena chortled and turned the ignition on and drove the car out of the parking bay heading towards the main gate of the army base.

***

Friday evening Bernie was alone and engrossed in an article in Country Life magazine when the living room door opened. She assumed it was Serena coming in because no one else to her knowledge had a key, “You had better have a good reason for keeping me waiting for dinner. I fancy Thai what about you?” When there was no reply but she could sense someone stood in the doorway Bernie looked up ready with a witty comment. However to her joy it was Charlotte stood there watching her with a big smile. Bernie threw the magazine on to the coffee table and got up, “Lottie, darling this is such a lovely surprise!” Mother and daughter embraced. Bernie felt her eyes prickle with moisture and held her daughter in a tight embrace fearful that if she couldn't feel Charlotte in her arms the girl would disappear.

Charlotte smiled and pulled back, “How are you doing mater?”

“All the better for seeing you.” Bernie tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her daughter’s ear and kept hold of her letting her eyes search the face of her youngest child.

Serena held two white carrier bags up and grinned, “I’m late because I had to pick your daughter up and collect dinner… I got us, Thai.”

When Serena walked off in the direction of the kitchen Bernie regarded Charlotte with a questioning raised eyebrow, “Was this pre-planned?”

“Sure was. Two weeks ago. Serena insisted on collecting me from the station.” Charlotte was enjoying surprising her mother.

“No one thought to tell me?” Bernie mock pouted.

“And ruin the surprise. No.” Charlotte chuckled at her mother’s expression. 

Taking her daughter by the hand Bernie lead her to the kitchen diner joining Serena who already had the table set and was just finishing putting the serving dishes out with the various egg noodles and Thai dishes. Bernie grabbed a bottle of Shiraz and collected three glasses. Serena had set three places around the top end of the table and insisted Bernie take the chair at the head of the table so she could sit in between herself and Charlotte. The three women enjoyed a relaxed evening of food and wine. Charlotte brought her mum up to date on for Serena and news of her studies and social life. The conversation never ventured onto Bernie’s future plans or her own social life. Charlotte wanted to live in the present and enjoy her mum’s company without dwelling on the prospect of her leaving for foreign shores again. Charlotte, still angry at not being told by her mum she was engaged and finding out while her mum was seriously injured in hospital, wasn’t in the mood to talk about Bernie’s relationship with Alex and so the subject of a future wedding wasn’t broached either.

Their meal finished they spent the rest of the evening in the living room. Charlotte curled her legs up under her and tucked herself into the corner of the sofa next to her mother. Bernie was sat with her right leg up on the large footstool. That was her only outward sign her leg was causing her some pain. Serena, for the most part, sat in the armchair across from the sofa and sipped her tea listening to the banter the mother and daughter were sharing. Charlotte definitely had her mother’s confidence and competitiveness. Her laugh was similar to Bernie’s and Serena thought how Charlotte was very much a mini Bernie.

All three women headed off to bed a little after 11 p.m. Serena showed Charlotte to the guest room across from her own bedroom and once Charlotte had finished preparing for bed in the bathroom Bernie nipped in for a quick shower and brush of her teeth. Leaving the bathroom dressed in fresh pyjamas Bernie glanced at Serena's room with longing and headed to bed. In the meantime, Serena was tucked up in bed engrossed in her latest book, "The Night Watch" by Sarah Waters.

***

Saturday afternoon brought sunny weather with a crisp bite to the air and a light breeze. Serena had sensed Bernie’s increasing restlessness over the past week and suggested mother and daughter stretch their legs and enjoy some quality time together by taking a walk in the park at the end of the road. Bernie’s face had lit up at the suggestion and Charlotte couldn’t refuse the request from her mother when Bernie asked if she would go for a walk with her. 

The park was conveniently situated at the end of Serena’s road and only a ten-minute walk to its entrance. Both women were bundled up in winter coats and scarfs. The walk to the park had been taken in relative silence. Charlotte studied her mother’s familiar profile. Still pinching herself over three months after being informed her mother had been killed in action. And here she was alive and well. The gaunt features had filled back out and her tan and bruises were long gone replaced by a pale complexion with dark circles under her eyes. Her mother walked in her familiar gait, cat-like and stealthily. She had made great progress with her physiotherapy but her step would occasionally falter causing her to walk with a slight limp. 

Sensing she was being stared at Bernie gave her daughter a sideways glance and smirked at the younger woman's brazen appraisal of her with no attempt what-so-ever to hide the fact she was staring, “Is there something you want to know?”

Charlotte was every bit her mother’s daughter preferring concise communication just as Bernie did only she wasn’t as laconic, “When did you last have a good sleep?”

That wasn’t what Bernie had been expecting her daughter to ask, “Last night actually.” 

Charlotte wasn’t buying that for one second. She knew her mother struggled at times with her sleep and particularly at this time of year, “Ha! Yeah right!”

Feeling insulted Bernie huffed, “If you’re not going to believe me then why ask!”

Not taking her eyes off the direction they were heading, and with a wave of her hand towards her mother, Charlotte wasn’t about to back down, “Probably because the physical evidence outweighs your claim.”

Knowing her pale complexion and the dark circles under her eyes told a different story Bernie knew a different approach was needed, “Fair enough. I haven’t been sleeping well. This time of year doesn’t help.” Letting out a long breath that formed like a plume of white smoke Bernie watched it snake up and away from her, “Honestly I have been sleeping much better this week.”

Charlotte noted her mother’s face relax and a smile light up her eyes. Deciding to get to the bottom of what had piqued her curiosity the previous night. All the longing looks, coy smiles, hands touching arms and backs and the disregard for personal space every time they brushed past one another or leaned into each other. If her mother and Serena couldn't read the body language Charlotte most certainly could, “So Serena?”

Bernie’s head snapped around so fast she thought she should be suffering whiplash and looked at Charlotte through narrowed eyes, “What about Serena?” Her daughter was up to something and Bernie wasn’t liking the possible direction this conversation was headed to.

Charlotte tilted her head to the side and with a questioning look asked, “Well are you two back together?”

This conversation was apparently heading in the direction Bernie had been dreading. Bernie shook her head, “What? No! Wh-why would you think that-?”

With a quick glance at the sky, Charlotte stated in a matter of fact manner, “Because… I saw all the longing looks you gave her when you didn’t think she was looking and she did the same to you. The smiles and tactile touches you shared.”

Bernie came to an abrupt halt next to an empty bench overlooking the pond. Her eyes went wild with worry and she stuttered out an explanation, “No. We don’t… We weren’t, it’s not what you are thinking!”

Realising her mother was no longer beside her Charlotte stopped and turned around to face her with a smirk, “Yeah, sure mum!”

“What? CHARLOTTE!” Bernie drew a hand up her face and pushed her fringe out of her eyes and lowered her voice, “I’m engaged to Alex.”

“Of course you are mum,” Charlotte was still regarding her mother with a smirk.

Bernie was fishing around in her coat pocket for the packet of cigarettes and lighter she had sequestered away before leaving the house. “Serena and I are friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

Ignoring her mother’s indignation Charlotte shrugged, “If you say so.”

Bernie was annoyed now, “I DO!”

The whip of her mother’s reply sparked a sarcastic comment, “Well your track record suggests that might not be the case.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Bernie was hurt by the off the cuff comment.

Charlotte wasn’t finished reminding her mother of her previous indiscretion, “You did cheat on dad with Alex.” Then almost as an afterthought added, “Actually it would be poetic justice if you cheated on Alex with Serena.”

Bernie pulled a cigarette out of the packet. Holding the pack in her left hand with the cigarette between her fingers of her right hand she pointed those fingers and cigarette towards her daughter to underline her annoyance, “Now just wait a minute young lady! I’m not proud of cheating on your father. I never intend to hurt him. But I am not a serial homewrecker. I’ve had one affair in my life!” Bernie put the cigarette into her mouth, stuffed the packet of cigarettes into her left pocket and searched her right pocket for her silver lighter. Her messy blonde locks falling across her eyes.

Feeling bad for bringing her mother’s infidelity up but still wanting clarity on what she had seen the night before, Charlotte tried again but this time in a softer and non-judgemental tone, “So for clarity you’re not sleeping with Serena?”

“Not.” With a clumsy flick of her right thumb, Bernie tried to light her much needed cigarette. But her coordination was still off and she couldn't work the lighter. She swapped hands but being right-handed it was no easier. Taking pity on her mother Charlotte snatched the lighter out of Bernie’s hand and lit her cigarette for her. Bernie took a slow much-needed drag of her cigarette. Tilting her head back she let out a long relaxed breath and watched the plume of smoke she'd breathed out snake up and away. Looking back to her daughter Bernie muttered, “Thank you.” Taking the lighter back she pushed it into her right pocket. Another drag on the cigarette and Bernie felt able to continue, “Serena is my best friend-”

Everything was so obvious to Charlotte. It infuriated her that her mother and Serena were either too dense or too stubborn to see and admit the obvious. The obvious being that they should be together. Yes, she had a grudge against Alex because she had been the other woman in her parent’s marriage break-up. But her own recent experiences had given her a new perspective on her mother’s affair with Alex. Attempting to understand her mum’s reasoning she gently suggested, “Shouldn’t Alex be your best friend. Seen as you intend to marry her?”

Bernie shrugged and turned around dropping down onto the bench, “I don’t know. What I do know is that Serena is my best friend. She’s been helping me cope with the fireworks triggering my PTSD-”

“Bloody hell mother!” Charlotte was shocked. Hopes her mother would be more open to her had been exceeded by that revelation.

“WHAT?” Bernie jumped at the excited raised voice of her daughter and in jumping dropped ash onto her coat as a consequence, “Bloody hell, Lottie!”

Charlotte flopped down onto the bench, “You just admitted you have PTSD.”

Bernie frantically brushed cigarette ash off her favourite coat, hoping the light pink colouring wouldn't be marked and suspecting it might need to be dry cleaned, “Yeah, well, it’s undiagnosed. I’m not a psychiatrist. But I am a doctor and I know the symptoms.”

Charlotte turned to her mother and gently stated, “You just admitted you have PTSD.”

Once she had cleared the cigarette ash off her coat and satisfied it hadn't marked the material Bernie sat back and huffed, “Yeah, well, it’s undiagnosed. I’m not a psychiatrist. But I am a doctor and I know the symptoms.”

Charlotte regarded her mother with a soft smile. Feeling relief she had finally admitted to having PTSD. If that was possible then so was getting her to acknowledge marrying Alex would be a huge mistake. “Are you having counselling for your PTSD?”

Bernie put her cigarette out and threw the stub into the bin next to the bench. Leaning back again she pushed her cold hands into her pockets and snorted, “Yes. My second session is on Tuesday.”

“Why do you think you’re able to do that now?” Charlotte began to shiver and mirrored her mother pushing her hands into her pockets to warm them up.

Noticing her daughter shivering, and getting colder by the minute herself sat on the bench, Bernie pushed up and tilted her head towards the path that would circle the pond, “Come on let’s walk. It’ll warm us up.”

Charlotte bounced onto her feet, threaded one arm through her mothers and put her other hand back in her pocket. The two women walked down the path and followed it around the large pond. Bernie hadn’t expected Charlotte to be so touchy-feely. Like herself, her daughter tended to be less demonstrative with public displays of affection even with those she loved very much. So feeling her youngest child rest her head against her shoulder while they walked brought her no end of joy. Although she had to wonder how long it would last. Was this still the reverberations of being told her mother was dead, and if so how long would it last? Or was this a turning point for her and Charlotte. Bernie really hoped it was a turning point. She desperately wanted a better relationship for her and her daughter than she herself had had with her own mother.

Charlotte assumed her mother was avoiding the question when no answer was forthcoming. Deciding to let it go for now she would ask her mother again when an appropriate opportunity arose. However, she was pleasantly surprised when her mother broke the companionable silence which had settled around the two women. "Not sure. I'm tired and it's become abundantly clear I can't deny it any longer." 

“Wonder why that is?” It was a rhetorical question. Charlotte wasn’t looking for an answer simply just airing her thoughts.

But again Bernie surprised her daughter with her openness, “Being here with Serena.” When Charlotte didn’t respond Bernie chanced a quick glance and recognised the contemplative expression and tried to explain, “I feel safe here. Not judged.”

“Interesting that you don’t feel like that with Alex,” Charlotte observed but there was no bite or accusation to her words. Just a statement of fact.

Bernie considered that for a moment and turned her head towards her daughter but kept her eyes on the pond next to them, “I never said I didn’t.”

Chortling Charlotte corrected her mother, “Yes you did. You said it was Serena that gave you safety and didn’t judge you.”

Reflecting on her previous words Bernie couldn’t argue with that assessment. She had said that. Bernie felt the need to defend her fiancée, “Alex has her good points.”

“I’m sure she does,” Charlotte really didn’t doubt that. She had seen how the woman had made her mother happy.

Believing Charlotte still hated Alex, and wishing her daughter would give the woman a break, Bernie huffed, “I wish you would give her a chance.”

“Why?” Charlotte knew all too well why. But she wouldn’t accept anything other than the truth from her mother and this wasn’t the truth.

Bernie sighed, “She’s going to be my wife.”

With a snort which sounded very similar to one Bernie would make Charlotte snipped, “Well that’s not a reason.”

Bernie was becoming frustrated, “Of course it’s a reason, Lottie! I wish you’d try to get to know her.”

Charlotte huffed derisively, “I’ve hardly had the chance.”

“Rubbish. The whole time I’ve been home on this occasion you could have made an effort.” Bernie pointed out what she thought was obvious and reasonable.

Deciding it was time, to be honest, herself if she wanted her mother to be honest, “What if I didn’t want to?”

Bernie threw her hands up in the air and rolled her eyes, “Oh for heaven’s sake!”

Charlotte turned on Bernie. The little girl who felt abandoned by her mother asserted herself, “No mater! She’s the reason you and dad split up and divorced. Why would I want to get to know a homewrecker?”

Bernie’s patience had worn out and she snapped with the whip of command, “Charlotte Dunn that’s quite enough!”

But Charlotte wasn’t going to back down now, “Truth hurts!”

Stopping and turning to face her daughter with a stony expression Bernie spoke in a low timbre that warned her youngest offspring she had lost her patience with her and was angry, “I credited you with more intelligence than this! Alex didn’t split your father and me up. I did. Yes, the extramarital affair caused the divorce but that was a result of my actions and not Alex’s!”

Charlotte was equally frustrated, “Why are you marrying her? It’s obvious Serena’s the one and not Alex.”

Bernie was too tired to deny her feelings even if there was nothing she could do about them, “Serena is very much the one… But she got away.”

“You mean you took the easy option and ran as usual,” Charlotte snapped.

Bernie shook her head and looked down at her feet, “No. Serena ended our relationship. It was clear that’s what she wanted.”

Charlotte studied her mother for a moment and released a deep sigh, “You know she’s in love with you. I bet if you made an effort you two could get back together.”

Lifting her hand Bernie pointed at the path ahead indicating they should continue on their way, “That ship sailed.”

“So why haven’t you set a date for the wedding?” Charlotte was like a dog with a bone attempting to open her mother’s eyes to what was right in front of her.

Bernie growled and kept her gaze fixed on the path ahead of her, “Lottie!”

Not really caring if she was beginning to sound like a whining child Charlotte protested, “I just want you to be happy!”

“I’m fine.” Bernie wasn't completely lying. Alex did make her happy in her own way. It was just the difference between being content and being blissfully happy. She could survive with content. But she would thrive on blissfully happy. She had made a commitment to Alex and she wouldn’t let her down. Being content would have to do.

“You could be more than just fine mum. You could be really happy.” Charlotte reasoned.

Bernie turned her head to address her daughter. Hoping her words would put an end to this incessant questioning, “You want me to be happy then give my fiancée a chance. Get to know her. For me, please?”

Charlotte wasn’t ready to welcome Alex into her family. However, she reminded herself of her own experience over the last five months and decided to meet her mother halfway, “Fine. But I’m making no promises.”

“I’m not asking for promises just for you to give her a fair chance. Stop being so judgemental.” Bernie was tired and her tone was harsher than she had intended.

“Mum. I said I would try,” Charlotte reassured Bernie.

“Like it or not Lottie, Al and I are getting married.” Bernie had gone on the defensive expecting Charlotte to make a derogatory comment. 

Realising her mother hadn’t registered what she had said Charlotte stated again, "MUM! I said I'd try."

"Right. Well, see that you do!" Bernie backed down happy now that her daughter would give her fiancée a fair chance.

Aware she had pushed her point as far as she could Charlotte attempted to lighten the mood with a mock salute, “Message received and understood, ma’am!”

Bernie snorted, “Cheeky brat!”

With a broad smile, trying to get her mother on side again, Charlotte stated in the sweetest voice she could put on, “But your cheeky brat.”

Bernie rolled her eyes and smirked, “Yes MY cheeky brat.” This was not what she had expected from a walk in the park with her daughter.

With the wind temporarily taken out of Bernie’s sails and momentarily distracted by her daughter's agreement to give her fiancée a chance she wasn’t prepared for Charlotte’s next volley, “On the condition, you think very carefully about your relationship with Alex.” Holding her hand up to stall her mother’s objection Charlotte took the bit between her teeth and ploughed on, “Hear me out, please. You’re still in love with Serena and she is clearly in love with you.”

Being a seasoned and experienced army officer Bernie chose to pick her battles and this wasn’t one she could win so went for honesty, “I wouldn’t disagree with that. But we’re a different kind of animal. We want different things.”

Charlotte shook her head coming to a stop and halting Bernie’s progress in the process, “Why do you have to be so bloody stubborn! You want the same thing. Each other!”

“Serena made it quite clear there was no future for us nearly a year ago,” Bernie was defiant.

They started to walk again and Charlotte considered the most appropriate way to get her mother to admit what she thought was blatantly obvious, that she was in love with Serena. Had never stopped being in love with Serena, “Listen while you’ve been recovering I’ve had a couple of long late-night conversations with Serena. Trust me, mum, she is still very much in love with you.”

With a shake of her head, Bernie tried to end this conversation. It was too painful. “It’s too late-”

In utter frustration, Charlotte broke away from her mum and threw her hands up and walked ahead, “Aggh! You’re impossible. It’s never too late to do anything.” Spinning around she pinned her mother with a hard stare, “Are you seriously telling me you’re going to throw the love of your life away for second best?”

Bernie jutted her chin out defiantly and spat, “Alex is not second best!”

Pushing her stubborn mother would only result in her digging her heels in. Holding both hands up Charlotte tried to placate her and use reason, “Ok, ok. Answer me this. If they were both in a burning building, and you could only save one of them, which one would it be? Mmm… Who can’t you live without? Serena or Alex? Because the one you would rescue is the one you should be marrying.”

Bernie was horrified at the suggestion and physically felt sick as the thought crossed her mind, “That’s a terrible question.”

“Is it. Or is it your reluctance to choose?” Charlotte was determined to get her mother to confront her feelings for the two women she loves. At that moment she actually believed she was the only person who could hold this mirror up in front of her gay mess of a mother.

“Lottie-” Bernie had to stop this. She didn’t have to justify choices to her daughter. That’s not how mother-daughter relationships were supposed to work. “Well, not if you had a proper mother-daughter relationship, to begin with!” The nagging voice in her head sneered.

Charlotte could see her mother was deep in thought. She had her hooked. She had her thinking. This was real progress, “You said you’d been living a lie being married to dad. Marrying Alex means you’ll be living a lie all over again. I don’t believe you love Alex more than Serena. I don’t believe you love her even as much as Serena.”

The breeze was picking up and with the watery late autumn sun hidden behind clouds, it was feeling colder than it actually was. Hoping that walking would enable her to think clearer, and perhaps the opportunity to change the subject, Bernie took the path along the lower side of the pond, “I can’t hurt Alex. She doesn’t deserve that.”

Charlotte fell into step with her mum, “But you and Serena do?”

“No,” Bernie snapped wondering how she had allowed her daughter to back her into a conversation about feelings. She was supposed to be a chip off the old block, have an aversion to talking about feelings and be a safe bet for company. When had that changed? Bernie picked up her pace striding out like she was marching.

Bernie’s shutters were coming down. Charlotte knew this conversation was over but wanted to leave her mother with a motivational statement, “So be as brave in your personal life as you’ve been in your military life.”

Bernie huffed and kept up the pace for a few more strides. Charlotte wasn’t sure her mother was ready for such a brisk pace, but not wanting to irritate her further by insinuating she wasn’t capable of walking at that pace, Charlotte made it about herself instead, “Do we have to walk-march? I thought we’d come out for a stroll?”

Without a word, Bernie slowed to a regular pace and Charlotte was grateful. Bernie hoped the previous conversation was well and truly over. But to make sure Bernie changed the conversation, “How is your placement going?”

Charlotte recognised the question was a clear sign the previous conversation was over and they were now going to focus on her. Just like her mother, Charlotte also hated to be the subject of scrutiny. With a raised eyebrow Charlotte enquired, “Have you forgiven me?”

“No!” Bernie huffed. Then snaking her arm through her daughters, Bernie pulled her against her as they walked, “At least you chose medicine of sorts.”

“Thanks. I think that was a backhanded compliment?” Charlotte pouted. Another mannerism she had inherited from her mother. “I’ll have you know the life of a veterinary surgeon is harder than a trauma surgeon.”

“How so?” Bernie began to settle into a slow steady stroll enjoying the focus being on her daughter and desperately wanting to know what she had been up too.

Charlotte chuckled, “Well for a start my patients can’t tell me what’s wrong with them.”

“HA, HA!” Bernie’s honking goose laugh was briefly let loose, “You’ve obviously never worked a busy Saturday night in the ED!”

“But yours eventually come round or sober up!” Charlotte corrected her mother.

Bernie frowned muttering, “Unfortunately.”

Hearing her mother laugh and noticing her relaxed demeanour pleased Charlotte beyond words. This was what she had hoped for this weekend, but never dreamed it would happen, “So you really don’t mind that I didn’t join the family firm?”

Bernie regarded Charlotte with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, “What, that my pony loving dog dotting daughter chose to become a vet? No. Not at all. I’m very proud of you.”

“You are?” Charlotte’s voice was small and disbelieving.

The fact Charlotte didn’t believe her hurt Bernie. Had she been such a bad mother and poor communicator that her daughter didn’t know her own mother was proud of her? Stopping and pulling Charlotte round in front of her, Bernie stared straight into her youngest child’s eyes and poured sincerity into her words, “Yes I am. I won’t lie, I would have loved it if you’d become a trauma surgeon and I know your father wanted you specialising in orthopaedic surgery. Your grandmother was hoping you’d be a GP or obstetrician seen as I failed to live up to her expectations in those departments.” 

Charlotte chuckled, “She told me once I did not have permission to disappoint her!”

Bernie shook her head annoyed that her mother would be so demanding of her granddaughter. But given how she had been with Bernie growing up she decided she shouldn’t be all that surprised, “You’re still in medicine. Still a surgeon. But you’re also a GP and obstetrician. A vet is all those things to their patients. You’ve taken the family firm and branched it out.”

Touched her mum was defending her Charlotte nodded her agreement, “I suppose there is that.”

“Honestly, all I’ve ever wanted is for you and your brother to follow your own dreams and be happy,” Regarding her daughter with a hopeful expression Bernie held her arms out inviting Charlotte in for a hug. Her daughter took the offer and relished the closeness she was sharing with her mother. Pulling back a little Bernie studied her Charlotte's face and asked, “Any romance in your life?”

“Might be,” Charlotte pulled out of her mother’s arms and linked her right arm with Bernie's left arm and they started along the path which would lead them to the park's exit.

“Please tell me you haven’t inherited my obtuse ability for recognising attraction?” Bernie teased.

Charlotte shook her head, “Ha! No. I have inherited something else though?”

“Which is?” Bernie wasn’t sure what Charlotte was getting at with that declaration.

Taking a steadying breath Charlotte muttered, “I bat for the same team.”

“You bat for the same-” Bernie suddenly catching on stopped and turned to her daughter with a shocked expression, “You’re a lesbian?”

Blushing and with a slight nod Charlotte admitted, “I am.”

“Who’s the woman who wants to date my little girl?” Bernie’s maternal side was kicking in.

The younger blonde rolled her eyes and huffed, “Mum!”

“Don’t mum me. I want details,” Bernie would be like a dog with a bone until her questions were answered.

“Serena said you’d go all mamma wolf!” Charlotte muttered with a slight chuckle.

“Serena knew before me?” Bernie felt a mixture of hurt and surprise.

In an attempt to reassure her mum Charlotte explained, “Before anyone. You’re the second person I’ve come out to. Haven’t told dad or Cam yet either.”

Pondering the fact her daughter had just come out to her but had confided in Serena first and how that made her feel Bernie settled on being perfectly fine about it. If she was second to know perhaps that was because of her loss of memory and recovery. If anyone was going to find out before Bernie she was glad it was Serena. Her daughter was a good judge of character. A little exasperated Bernie pleaded, “Will you please tell me who you are crushing on?”

Her next admission would be harder than her first. Charlotte took a deep breath and decided to bite the bullet and get it out in the open, “Weell, she’s my boss. Don’t look at me like that!”

Bernie was frowning and asked in a low timber, “How old is she?”

Charlotte rolled her eyes, “Age is just a number?”

Bernie was not going to be deterred, “How old Lottie?”

With a frustrated huff, Charlotte answered, “She’s thirty-eight.”

“She’s old enough to be your mother!” Bernie’s voice had raised two octaves and her eyebrows followed climbing up to her hairline. 

“Barely. Serena said you wouldn’t like the age difference,” Charlotte muttered in a disgruntled manner.

Bernie snorted, “Oh, did she? I’ll be having words with, Serena.”

They walked on arm in arm enjoying the exercise and fresh air, but especially each other’s company. Their silence was broken when they reached the park gates and Charlotte volunteered some information, “Her name is Tara Ogilvie.”

“How long?” Bernie gently enquired.

A broad smile graced Charlotte’s features, “Six months.”

“Six months?” Bernie pondered out loud. Her little girl had fallen in love while she was thousands of miles away. Of course, she knew this would happen for both of her children but the fact she was faced with the reality meant it hurt that she hadn’t been here for Charlotte. And her daughter was the stronger and more self-assured of her two children. Bernie dreaded to think what Cameron had been going through and a fresh new wave of paternal guilt washed over her.

Charlotte hadn’t noticed the guilty expression her mother’s features now wore and continued to tell her about her new relationship with a big smile, “We’ve been taking it very slowly-”

“She’d better keep it that way,” Bernie growled. Her guilt bringing out her grumpy side and a desperate need to protect her child.

Charlotte chuckled, “Hypocrite!” Turning her head to look at her mother and seeing the raised eyebrow questioning her statement the younger woman snorted, “Don’t give me that look. There are ten years between you and Alex.”

Bernie snorted, “That’s different.”

“How?” Charlotte exclaimed.

“For a start, I’m your mother. Secondly, Alex wasn’t twenty-three when we got together. She was thirty-seven and I was forty-seven!” Bernie informed her daughter in a no-nonsense tone Charlotte recognised from her childhood.

Reaching the door to Serena’s house Bernie took her key out and unlocked the door pushing it open and stood back allowing Charlotte to go first. Before stepping into the house Charlotte turned to her mother and with a wink reassured her, “Well it’s only a fifteen-year age gap for us. So nothing for you to worry about!” And entered the house.

Bernie rolled her eyes in exasperation and groused, “I’ll be the judge of that!” and entered the house behind her daughter. But Charlotte wasn't overly concerned. Her mother would come round, especially when she met, Tara. The thought of her girlfriend filled her with happiness and love.


	10. Before I Open Up My Arms And Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex makes a surprise visit to see Bernie and Charlotte makes her feeling's clear. The tension between Bernie and Alex intensifies and Bernie's counselling continues.

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Saturday 16th November 2019: (A few minutes after the end of the previous chapter)

Serena was in the kitchen making a cup of tea when she heard the front door open announcing Bernie and Charlotte's return from their walk in the park. Her face lit up when Bernie walked into the kitchen having divested her coat and shoes in the hall. Holding her mug up Serena asked, “Tea or coffee?”

“Neither. I need something stronger!” Bernie walked past her to the fridge pulling out a half-full bottle of wine and grabbed a glass from the dishwasher. 

Serena pointed at the wine and began to advise against its consumption, “You really shouldn’t drink that with your medication.”

Bernie was having none of it and pointed at herself, “I might not be able to perform surgery at the moment. But I’m still an adult and qualified doctor able to make informed decisions for myself.” It was plainly clear Bernie was annoyed and Serena held her hands up in surrender. Pouring out a large measure of wine. Glass in hand Bernie pointed an accusing finger at Serena, “You knew!”

Serena crossed her arms over her chest, “Ah, she told you.”

“Yes,” Bernie snapped.

“She would have told you sooner. A bit difficult when you were unconscious, had memory loss and were battling recovery,” Serena helpfully reminded her friend.

Bernie put her wine glass down on the kitchen island and let out a huff of frustration, “You’re right.”

Serena offered helpfully, “Look at it this way. You knew before Marcus. That’s definitely a win.” When Bernie’s eyes met Serena’s the two women burst into a fit of giggles. 

Bernie was laughing hard, “I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he finds out. He’s going to be pissed!”

The doorbell rang and Serena went to answer it. Returning to the kitchen with Alex in tow. And Charlotte picked that moment to return from the quick call she had made to Tara letting her know she had come out to her mother and told her about their relationship.

Bernie looked a little shocked to see her fiancée. “What are you doing here?”

Charlotte found her mother’s reaction interesting and slid onto a stool at the kitchen island. In typical British fashion when a crisis is looming Serena decided to put the kettle on and make everyone a cup of tea.

Alex’s smile dropped and her body physically deflated, “Hello darling. Lovely to see you too.” 

Realising her reaction had caused Alex hurt and she didn’t deserve it Bernie made her way around the kitchen island and pulled Alex into a hug and pecked her lips, “Hi.”

Serena suggested they make themselves comfortable in the living room and requested Charlotte help her make dinner for all of them in order to give Bernie and Alex some alone time.

Bernie took a seat on the sofa and watched Alex pace a little until the younger woman came to a stop in front of the window and pushed her hands into her pockets gazing out at the leaves being blown across the front lawn in the gathering wind.

“This is a surprise.” Bernie tried to break the frosty atmosphere which had sprung up between her and Alex.

“Apparently.” Alex’s tone was flat. She was hurt at Bernie’s initial reaction to her arrival. “I called in a favour to swap a shift and worked a double so I could see you. Seen as I couldn’t be with you on Tuesday.”

“You didn’t need-” Bernie stopped short of what she was about to say when Alex turned around and regarded her with a sad expression.

“I thought, strangely enough, you might be pleased to see me?” Alex couldn’t look Bernie in the eye. She was too hurt and chose to stare at the coffee table instead.

Bernie stood and took four quick steps to reach her fiancée and drew Alex’s into a hug. “I am, Al. I am always glad to see you. I wasn’t expecting to today, that's all.”

Alex wasn’t completely mollified by this explanation and mumbled into Bernie’s shoulder, “Should have been a happy surprise.”

Pulling back Bernie sighed, “It was.” She kissed Alex’s forehead and searched her eyes for a sign that she believed her.

“You could have fooled me.” Alex pulled out of Bernie’s arms and took a seat on the sofa.

Bernie sat next to her and took her hand squeezing it, “I’m sorry my reaction hurt you.”

Alex leaned into Bernie and rested her head on her shoulder letting out a small sigh, “It just… It just feels like we barely see each other these days.”

Bernie turned her head and kissed the top of Alex’s head. It was clear her fiancée was in need of reassurance, “It won’t be forever. Just while I’m recovering and you’re working at the QE.”

“I suppose so,” Alex mumbled against Bernie’s shoulder.

Bernie stroked Alex’s hair and chuckled a little, “It’s been a weekend of surprises.”

Alex sat up and looked a little confused, “Surprises? What other surprises?”

“Lottie’s visit.” Bernie nodded her head towards the direction of the kitchen.

“She just turned up?” Alex was trying to understand.

“Yes. Well with Serena.” At the confused expression on her fiancée’s face, Bernie explained with a chuckle, “The pair of them had been in cohorts for two weeks to surprise me.”

Alex felt she was playing catch up with Bernie’s life these days, “Wait, Serena and Charlotte have been planning her visit?” Bernie nodded not seeing an issue with this. But Alex felt a surge of jealousy rush through her. Rationally there was no reason Serena and Charlotte couldn’t get on. But emotionally for Alex, it was hurtful. She was aware that Charlotte struggled to communicate with her mother and the young woman had made it abundantly clear she detested Alex. So for her partner’s daughter to be forming a relationship with her ex was disconcerting for Alex.

“Serena let her know when I was coming home to give Lottie time to make arrangements for a visit.” Bernie clarified and if she noticed her slip of describing Serena’s house as her home she didn’t outwardly show any sign of it. Alex definitely hadn’t missed the comment and sighed in frustration. “They swapped numbers when I arrived at Holby. Serena promised to keep her updated on my progress.” With a chuckle, Bernie added, “I was promised without breaking patient confidentiality!”

“Is she here for the whole weekend?” Alex felt aggrieved at feeling she had to compete for time with her fiancée between Serena and now Charlotte.

With an enthusiastic nod, Bernie confirmed, “Whole weekend. Serena’s dropping her at the station on Monday morning on her way to work.”

“I only have till Monday evening,” Alex muttered as she considered having to spend time with her fiancée’s daughter who positively detested her and on top of that Serena, who Alex knew was the love of Bernie’s life. But mother and daughter did need to build bridges and those bridges would hopefully help thaw Charlotte’s resentment of her. Alex didn’t mind sharing Bernie with her children or friends. It was just that lately, she felt she was of least importance to Bernie.

Bernie took Alex’s hand and rubbed her thumb across the knuckles soothing her fiancée's bruised feelings, “I’d wanted to spend time with her before bringing you in.”

“Course,” Alex’s response was tight. It hurt that Bernie’s children disliked her so much. But she had to let mother and children work out their issues and hoped that it would lead to them accepting her as Bernie’s partner and one day her wife. After all, when Bernie was fully recovered they would be off to distant shores and her children and friends would only see her occasionally and Alex would have Bernie 24/7 so she decided to be mature about the situation and make the most of the situation to get to know Charlotte if of course, Charlotte would allow her to.

In the kitchen, Charlotte and Serena prepared and cooked a tasty meal all four women which wouldn’t take too long to make. Serena had decided lasagne and put the dish together in no time. Charlotte put garlic bread in the oven and made a salad to go with the lasagne.

Serena was only too aware of the animosity Charlotte and Cameron, but more so Charlotte, held for Alex. The young woman had contacted her a couple of times and regaled her dislike for Alex. Serena had tried to bring Charlotte round to accepting Alex made Bernie happy and she would become her wife whether Charlotte liked it or not. But the young woman was having none of it. Not wanting to cause friction between them, and wanting to maintain some neutrality in order to help facilitate the repair of Bernie’s relationship with her daughter, Serena had backed off the topic believing alienating her would only cause more problems for Bernie. Besides she really liked Charlotte and wanted to help her.

Putting the knife down she was chopping vegetables with Charlotte gave Serena a sideways glance, “How can you stand her being here?” Despite her promise to her mother to give Alex a chance Charlotte found the presence of Alex Dawson in the house got her hackles up.

Serena sighed, “We’ve talked about this. Alex is your mother’s choice and we have to accept that. She needs our support.”

“She needs to see a shrink is what she needs!” Charlotte snorted.

Serena turned on the young woman cross at the crass remark, “CHARLOTTE! That’s your mother you’re talking about.”

Having the good grace to look contrite Charlotte dipped her head and nodded, “Sorry. I-I just get so frustrated with her.”

Serena took a sharp intake of breath, “Then talk to her.”

“I have. But it’s like talking to a dim child where you’re concerned!” Charlotte muttered and returned to preparing the salad.

Serena was still staring at the young woman. She knew she’d regret asking but her curiosity got the better of her, “What do you mean where I’m concerned?”

With a smirk Charlotte looked Serena straight in the eye, “She’s in love with you. As you are with her.”

Serena put the lasagne in the oven and whipped her hands on the towel, “You’re mum is the greatest love affair of my life-”

“Then why aren’t you fighting for her?” Charlotte cut Serena off.

Folding her arms across her chest Serena leaned back against the sink and regarded Charlotte with a raised eyebrow warning her to proceed with caution. “The relationship I had with your mother is between us. We had our time and it wasn’t meant to be. She has chosen Alex and you really will have to accept that.”

“There’s more to this than I know.” Charlotte held her hand up to stop Serena from telling her off, “Not prying. Just stating the obvious.” Pausing for a moment to order her thoughts, “I promised mum I’d give Alex a chance.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Serena’s expression softened.

“I don’t understand why if you love each other mum’s going to marry someone else and you’re prepared to stand back and let it happen!” Charlotte was beyond frustrated.

Attempting not to sound condescending Serena attempted to explain, “Love and life aren’t that simple. Sometimes you have to put the needs of the person you love most ahead of your own happiness. Your mum is the most fantastic fearless and dedicated doctor I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. She’s a trauma surgeon, a military trauma surgeon and the best in the country if not the world in my opinion.”

“You’re whole face lights up when you talk about my mum?” Charlotte teased with a grin.

Serena sighed but her eyes held a sparkle, “The point is. Because I love your mum I want her to be happy and her happiness is working in the military in war and disaster zones. My life is here in Holby. We wanted to be together but our needs pulled us in different directions.”

As an army brat, Charlotte was fully versed on all things military even if she did push back against it out of frustration because the army had taken her mum away during her formative years. A plan formed in Charlotte's mind. The idea of a pincer movement, or double envelopment. A military tactic in which forces attack both flanks of the enemy at the same time. If she couldn’t get her mother to see sense she’d circumvent her mother and get Serena to see sense instead. And together she and Serena would conduct a pincer movement on her mother. Major Wolfe wouldn't know what hit her and didn’t stand a chance. Charlotte's first task would be to get Serena on her side, “So you’re ok with mum marrying Alex?”

But Serena wasn’t going to fall so easily for such an obvious tactic and with a sad smile she sighed, “Just before your mum left last Christmas she told me no one should be lonely because they can’t be with the one they love.” After a pause, she looked up at Charlotte. “You’re mum has moved on. She is happy. Please let this go.”

Charlotte wasn’t about to let it go, “I love my mum. I concede Alex is a good enough partner for mum. She obviously makes her happy at some level. But she doesn’t make her feel the way you do, Serena.”

“With respect how on earth do you know the way I make your mother feel?” Serena raised an eyebrow in disbelief at the young woman’s statement knowing Bernie would never share such intimate details about either herself or her partners.

“In not so many words she told me.” Noting the surprised look on Serena’s face Charlotte ploughed on. “I want the best for my mum. The best is being with you! For heaven’s sake Serena, you travelled to Mogadishu to find her and bring her home! Nothing screams I’m in love with this woman more than that!”

Serena chuckled, “I’ve never denied I don’t love her or that I’m not in love with her. She’s not easy to get over.”

Charlotte narrowed her eyes and regarded Serena with suspicion, “The question is do you want to get over her?”

With a shake of her head, Serena admitted, “No. But what I want doesn’t matter.”

“They haven’t even set a date! If you want her, fight for her!” Charlotte could scream she was so bloody frustrated with these two gay dorks!

“I ended the relationship,” Serena admitted and her cheeks flushed with the embarrassment she still felt and always would at her infidelity which led to her walking away from the love of her life in the belief that Bernie deserved better and this was her penance.

“I know. Mum said she only accepted that because she believes it’s what you wanted and she wants you to be happy too… And so that’s why she left.” Charlotte acknowledged.

Serena wasn’t in the least bit worried Bernie had shared the details of what had brought them to split up. Bernie was discreet and always had Serena’s back. That information was too personal for her ex to share with her daughter, “Our situation hasn’t changed. As soon as your mum’s passed fit to return to duty she’ll be off to the next war zone.”

Charlotte pushed on feeling she was making headway, “If you gave her a reason I’m sure she’d reconsider.”

Serena dropped her arms and pushed off the sink taking a couple of steps to the island. Uncorking the bottle of wine she waved it a little in Charlotte’s direction indicating she would pour her a glass as well. When Charlotte nodded yes Serena poured them both a glass of Shiraz. Taking one glass for herself she handed the other to Charlotte. Savouring the taste of her favourite beverage Serena licked her lips and spoke firmly looking directly at the younger woman, “I think you need to respect the decisions we’ve made and accept your mum has chosen, Alex. Now I don’t want to talk about this again, understood?”

Charlotte swallowed a sip of wine and nodded, “Understood.” She understood Serena was as stubborn as her mother where feelings and love were concerned. While her mother was the most obstinate person Charlotte knew she felt Serena’s stubbornness over rekindling a romantic relationship with her mum would be far easier to crack.

***

The four women took their seats at the end of the table furthest from the conservatory doors. Once again Serena had insisted Bernie sit at the head of the table with Charlotte on her left this time and Alex on her right. Serena took the seat next to Alex. The evening meal was a strained affair, to say the least. Serena tried to keep the conversation going and keep the peace. Charlotte skirted close to the line with her biting comments aimed at Alex. Bernie tried to appease her daughter and support Alex. And Alex, well Alex felt like she was the odd one out and the enemy in the camp.

Swallowing a piece of garlic bread Charlotte turned to her mother, “Have you set a date yet?” 

When Alex looked up Charlotte regarded her with a sweet smile which didn’t reach her eyes. Bernie spluttered around the wine she had been sipping at the time and wondered if that had been her daughter's intention. It was Alex who answered while Bernie caught her breath, “Not yet. No need to rush.”

Charlotte suspected that wasn’t Alex’s choice, “But you got engaged so quickly. I don’t understand why you haven’t set a date?”

Serena knew what Charlotte was up to but decided this was Bernie and Alex’s business and for them to deal with. Recovered Bernie tried to close this topic down. “We rushed into nothing. We have known each other for years-”

Charlotte snorted, “Right. Yes sorry, how could I forget she was the one you cheated on dad with?”

Bernie sighed, “Enough, Lottie!” and lifted her fork with a decent-sized portion of lasagne on it and placed it in her mouth and chewed.

Alex took a sip of wine and regarded Charlotte with a sympathetic expression, “I didn’t intend to hurt you, your brother or your dad.”

“And yet you did!” Charlotte retorted without looking at Alex and took a bite of her garlic bread.

“Lottie!” Bernie hissed around another mouthful of lasagne.

“What’s the big deal? Why wouldn’t two people in love want to set a date for their wedding?” Charlotte tried to sound reasonable but no one else was buying into her act.

Alex decided to wade in and defend herself and Bernie from the aggrieved young woman without alienating herself further with Charlotte, “You’re mum’s been dealing with a lot lately and we-”

“Yeah, bit difficult to set a wedding date when she was unconscious and then didn’t remember you. But she’s been awake and had all her memories back for weeks now.” Charlotte took a sip of wine and shook her head, “Surely it would be something to focus on and looking forward to?” Charlotte held Alex’s stare. It was an obvious challenge for Alex to disagree with her and justify the delay in setting a date for her wedding. Something Charlotte just felt the other woman couldn’t do without admitting it was her mother, Bernie, not wanting to set a date and not a joint decision the couple had unanimously made. And Charlotte believed she knew the reason for her mother dragging her heels over a wedding date was sitting to Alex’s right and currently glaring at her from across the table.

Serena chastised her best friend’s daughter, “Charlotte, you said you’d support your mother.” 

Where Bernie was touched by Serena’s support Alex felt it was more meddling by her fiancée’s ex and annoyed she put her knife and folk down turning her head to look at Serena, “You’ve been discussing our relationship?”

Cutting into a piece of lasagne Serena shook her head, “No. Just Charlotte’s feelings about-” 

But Charlotte spoke over her, “I can discuss whatever I want with whomever I want!” Serena marvelled at how the raised eyebrow and challenging expression Charlotte was giving Alex was the double of her mother when Bernie addressed a disagreeable or very dim F1 or student nurse.

Finishing her lasagne and placing her cutlery on the empty plate Bernie poured herself another glass of wine. Noticing the raised eyebrow from Serena who held up her empty glass Bernie chuckled, “Sorry, Campbell.”

“So you should be!” Serena chortled back and gave Bernie a wink before taking a sip of her replenished wine.

Filling her daughter’s glass next Bernie addressed her daughter in a firm voice, “You promised you’d give Alex a chance?”

When Bernie turned to fill Alex’s glass her fiancée covered it with her hand indicating she didn’t want anymore. She was upset at the lenient manner Bernie was taking with Charlotte’s behaviour. Alex didn’t like the fact her relationship was being discussed behind her back by Bernie’s daughter and ex-partner. And to top it all off Bernie appeared to be aware of this, “Please, don’t do me any favours!”

Thinking Alex was talking to her when she was actually addressing Bernie, Charlotte stated matter-of-factly, “I won’t. It’s for you to prove yourself to me and my brother.”

Bernie’s right eyebrow was raised. She knew Alex’s comment was aimed at her, but she couldn’t ignore the hurt and frustration in Alex’s eyes. Bernie turned to her daughter and snapped, “You’ve made your opinions clear. Now change the subject!”

Charlotte was every inch Bernie Wolfe’s daughter and didn’t even flinch, “I’d like you and Serena to meet Tara.”

“That would be nice.” Bernie sipped her wine slowly wary of what her daughter was up to but not wanting to make the situation worse with an accusation before she had the evidence to back it up, “Why don’t we arrange a weekend when Alex can be here too?”

“Checkmate,” Serena muttered and Bernie winked at her.

Alex noticed the interaction but directed her comment to Charlotte, “My next weekend off is the 30th November.”

“Shame. We're off next weekend,” Charlotte feigned disappointment that Alex wouldn’t be able to be there.

“Isn’t it!” Alex sniped back knowing she had walked straight into the ploy to make sure the weekend chosen wouldn't be convenient for her.

Bernie tiled her head to the side and licked her lower lip, “How come you have two weekends off back to back at your stage in your career?”

“Perks of being the boss’s girlfriend.” Charlotte cheekily responded and took a large sip of her wine.

With desert finished Serena and Charlotte cleared the table sending Bernie and Alex off to the living room with a mug of tea each. As they cleared the table Serena leaned into Charlotte and whispered, “Does Tara know she’s visiting next weekend?” 

Charlotte snorted and shook her head, “No! But she will when I call her later.”

Serena shook her head and took the plates to the dishwasher, “Don’t come crying to me when you’re on the receiving end of your mother’s wrath. You’re fooling no one Charlotte.”

“Mum just needs nudging in the right direction.” Charlotte tried to reassure Serena.

Closing the dishwasher and switching it on Serena turned around and pointed at the younger woman, “Not in my direction young lady.” Moving over to the kettle and coffee maker she asked, “Tea or coffee?”

Charlotte replied with a small smile, “Tea please.”

Pulling two mugs from the cupboard Serena set about making a mug of tea and a mug of coffee for the both of them and spoke to the younger woman as she went about making their drinks, “Your mother and I had our chance and it wasn’t meant to be. Even if your mother decided she didn’t want to be with Alex. She’s still a military trauma surgeon who will still want to be off to another war zone as quick as you can say strangulated hernia.”

Charlotte watched Serena make their drinks. She didn’t like that she had upset her and that led to thinking back on the disappointing look her mother had given her when she left the kitchen with a solemn-looking Alex. Charlotte felt guilty at not keeping her word with her mother or Serena to give Alex a chance. But she resolved her feelings with the belief that she was doing the right thing getting her mother to face the truth. In the long run, it would make the three older women happier.

***

It had been a strange weekend for Bernie. One filled with the joy of spending it with her daughter, best friend and fiancée. But Charlotte’s animosity towards Alex had lessened a little by Sunday afternoon as Charlotte tried to show willing in keeping up her promise to get to know Alex, but it was obvious she was only going through the motions to appear accommodating. Charlotte was finishing brushing her hair when a soft knock on her bedroom door drew her attention, “Come in.” She called knowing it would be her mother and wasn’t disappointed when Bernie stepped into the room, “Come to tuck me in and read me a story?”

Bernie sat on the end of the bed next to Charlotte, “Put you over my knee is what I should be doing!”

“I don’t think I’ll ever like her mum.” Her mother was obviously here to talk about her behaviour this weekend. Charlotte dropped the hand holding her hairbrush into her lap.

“Well, you’ve hardly given her the chance you promised me you’d give her.” Bernie was tired and had had a sulking Alex to deal with most of the weekend. She hated to see her girlfriend looking so sullen and the fact the cause of it was her own daughter made her miserable.

“I know. I can’t seem to help it.” Charlotte could see how tired her mother was and knew she should back down and go a bit easier. Her mother was still recovering from life-threatening injuries. Bernie narrowed her eyes and in a sterner tone made sure her daughter was left with no uncertainty, “Well get a grip and do something about your attitude young lady. You’ve been an embarrassment where Alex is concerned this weekend and it stops now! Understand?”

“Mum-” Charlotte wanted to explain again and try and get her mother to see reason, but the disappointed expression Bernie was bestowing on her and the raised hand to silence her stopped Charlotte before she uttered another word.

“No more, Lottie! Alex is miserable and doesn’t deserve your treatment. If you can’t be civil with her I’ll tell Tara all your embarrassing stories, and trust me there are many. And I’ll inform her of my concern regarding the impropriety of your relationship!” Bernie was cross and let her annoyance filter into her tone.

Charlotte’s posture slumped and she nodded in acquiescence. She had to concede she had pushed her luck as far as she could and wouldn’t jeopardise her relationship with her mother by continuing to air her feelings about, Alex. “Ok, mater.”

Noting the acquiescence in her daughter’s demeanour and tone Bernie slipped her arm around the young woman’s shoulders and pulled her into a hug and kissed the side of her head, “All I ask is you give her a proper chance. If you still don’t like her fine. But promise to be civil with her.” 

Charlotte nodded against her mother’s shoulder and threw her arms around her holding her tight, “I will. I love you!”

With a chuckle, Bernie spoke against the soft blonde locks, “I know I don’t say this enough but I love you very much. I’m proud of you.” Bernie stood up. Charlotte got into bed. When her mother reached the door she paused turning to her daughter with a broad smile, “Goodnight, Lottie.” Stepping into the hall she heard her daughter say goodnight and closed the door behind her.

Hearing Bernie leave Charlotte’s room and waiting for the click of her friend’s bedroom door to indicate the coast was clear Serena stepped across the hall and knocked lightly on the young woman's door. Thinking it was her mother coming back Charlotte joked, “Decided to read me a bedtime story after all?”

When Serena stepped in she folded her arms speaking in a whisper so that Bernie and Alex couldn’t hear her, “I’d have thought you were a bit big for bedtime stories?”

Charlotte smiled, “Can’t sleep?”

“I’m just off to bed. Everything ok?” Serena queried.

“Mum’s wrath was somewhat subdued compared to how she can be when she works up a head of steam up over something disagreeable.” Charlotte was grateful her mum had let her off lightly and wasn’t going to change that good luck by pushing the subject further. Well for now anyway.

“I did tell you not to come crying if she was cross with you.” Serena leant against the chest of draws.

“I didn’t. You came to me. To gloat no doubt!” Charlotte pouted.

That pout was identical to the adorable pout Bernie would often give her and Serena decided to part with a little knowledge she knew would put Alex in a more favourable light with Charlotte, “You like me because?”

Charlotte was confused by the question and regarded Serena with a frown, “You saved my mother and brought her home. When my mum was with you she would write to me and tell me about you and how you made her happy. I've gotten to know you a bit and I like you.”

“Well, liking Alex shouldn’t be too great a leap for you then.” Serena sighed when Charlotte held her hands up shaking her head indicating she didn’t know what Serena was getting at, “You asked me yesterday why I put up with Alex being here. Firstly your mum likes her. Secondly, if it wasn’t for Alex Dawson I would never have met your mother.” At the blank look on Charlotte’s face, it dawned on Serena the young woman really didn’t know. “You don’t know. Do you?”

“Know what?” Charlotte hated being in the dark about her mother and this was causing her some concern.

With a soft smile, Serena informed her, “Alex saved your mother’s life back in 2016 when their Land Rover hit an IED.”

Serena let that information sink in and Charlotte looked down at the duvet covering her legs, “Oh. I-I didn’t know.”

“Well, now you do.” Serena came over to the side of the bed and sat down taking her hand, “Alex does make your mother happy. She wouldn’t want to marry her if she didn’t. She also loves her very much too.”

“Right. Yeah.” Charlotte felt such a fool. An ungrateful brat. But with a tinge of anger. Why the hell couldn’t her mother have told her this? She was conflicted. On the one hand, she hated Alex for being the reason her mother had had an affair and her parent’s marriage had ended in divorce. And on the other hand here was a woman who not only saved her mum’s life but did make her happy.

“You’re not a little girl anymore. You’re a young woman who is learning intimate adult relationships are complex and never simple.” Squeezing her hand Serena let go and stood up, “She’s a good person. You could get on with her if you give her a fair chance.” Seeing the shell shocked expression on her young guest’s face Serena believed Charlotte would now take a step forward and get to know Alex. Feeling her work was done she stood up. The young woman squeezed Serena’s hand and offered a small smile. Squeezing the hand she held back Serena spoke softly, “Respect your mother’s choices just as you want her to respect yours.”

Serena had reached the door when Charlotte's words caused her to pause, “You really, really love mum don’t you.”

Serena’s tone was sad, “I do. She’s the greatest love affair of my life.” With a smile, she added before leaving the room, “Sleep well.”

Charlotte returned the smile, “You too.”

***

A week ago Serena had brought home a silicone suture training pad for Bernie to practice her suturing on. She had been doing so well with her ‘surgical box of tricks’ to re-establish the dexterity in her right hand. But Bernie needed something more to practice with. She was having twice-weekly occupational therapy on her hand and physiotherapy three times a week on her leg. Serena took her into work with her dropping Bernie at the physiotherapy entrance and Bernie would get a taxi home after her sessions. She had yet to venture back into the Wyvern wing to visit AAU and see her friends and former colleagues. Serena hadn’t pursued this feeling Bernie would visit when she was good and ready.

“Bloody useless hand!” Bernie huffed and threw the forceps down on to the surgical tray sat next to the silicone suture training pad. She rubbed her hand and wriggled her fingers. 

“You’ve been doing great. Be patient, Bern.” Alex thought she was being supportive.

Bernie thought otherwise and took umbrage at her fiancée telling her how to feel. “Don’t tell me what I have to do. I’m not a child!” She groused.

Alex was sitting in the conservatory, a few feet from the dining table Bernie was working at, reading a magazine on her tablet. She rolled her eyes and put her tablet down on her lap turning to look at her fiancée, “No, but you have the patience of a toddler right now!”

Bernie’s frustration boiled over and she snapped, “If you can’t say something positive just don’t say anything.”

Alex kept her expression neutral and her tone gentle, “I did and you rejected it. You’ve been blown up. The damage to your flexor tendons-”

Bernie put her elbows on the table and leaned forward pushing her fingers into her hair and growled, “I don’t need you to remind me what happened to me or what the damage to my flexor tendons means. I’m a military surgeon!”

“That’s not what I’m doing.” Alex was questioning her reasoning in going to the trouble of visiting Bernie this weekend. It hadn’t exactly been a joyful experience for her. But Charlotte had been noticeably less frosty when their paths crossed in the kitchen over breakfast. Charlotte had had the good grace to be civil and left with Serena to be dropped off at the railway station on Serena’s way to work. But her sense of relief a corner had been turned was dampened by Bernie’s low mood the rest of the day. “Can we talk?”

“I don’t have to talk about my feelings all the bloody time!” Bernie snapped. Tired of everyone wanting her to explain, justify or analyse how she felt about every bloody thing!

Neither woman had heard Serena enter the kitchen. Both unaware how late it was getting, “Bernie, you’re tired. Why not get some rest. Alex is just concerned for you.”

The familiar voice of her best friend drew Bernie to sit up and turn around giving Serena a coy smile. Alex had stepped out of the conservatory and stood at the foot of the dining table. Crossing her arms over her chest she addressed Serena, “I appreciate you trying to support, Bernie. But we’re having a private conversation!”

Bernie found the comment rude and ridiculous and turned around to face her fiancée, “It’s hardly a private conversation when you’re shouting at me!”

Believing she was doing right Serena chipped in with her opinion again, “You know you could do worse than to open up to your fiancée. She’s worried about you.”

“She’s not facing the loss of her career. How could she or you understand what I’m feeling?” Bernie stood glancing between her fiancée and best friend.

Alex took a step towards Bernie and put her hand on her left arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze, “So there’s a chance you won’t be a surgeon again. But you’ll still be a doctor.”

Serena winched and held a hand up, “Ah, Alex, that’s not help-”

Bernie narrowed her eyes and shook her arm free from Alex’s grip. Stepping away from her fiancée she hissed, “Are you serious? Do you even know me? I’m a surgeon, that’s what I do! Even though I say so myself I'm bloody good at it, one of the best!”

From Serena’s perspective, she wondered if Alex was goading Bernie into talking or being deliberately obtuse in acknowledging Bernie’s feeling's regarding her career prospects, “Well maybe we should talk about the what if’s.”

Bernie had built up a head of steam and was drawing conclusions, “You’ve given up on me!” 

Alex shook her head and tried to close the distance between herself and Bernie. But instead, Bernie moved nearer to the kitchen island putting her closer to Serena. Alex placed her hands on her hips and sighed, “No. I haven’t. I’m just trying to be realistic and practical.”

Serena could see the crestfallen look on Bernie’s face and advised Alex, “I don’t think realism and practicality are what Bernie needs right now.”

The weekend had been a trying experience for Alex and her patience snapped, “You’ve known her for what, three years? I’ve known her for seven years. We’ve been under fire in a war zone together. So keep your opinions-”

Bernie interrupted Alex, “It’s not how long you know a person.” Turning her head she looked over her shoulder at Serena and concluded in a husky voice with a shy smile, “It’s the difference you make to their lives.” Serena smiled back at Bernie.

Thinking she still had the winning hand Alex proclaimed, “Right and I saved yours.”

Turning back to regard Alex with a sad smile Bernie rolled her head from side to side and gazed up at the ceiling, “I’ve saved lots of lives, Al.” Giving consideration to what she was about to say and knowing it would be akin to throwing a grenade into the room but having to state the truth Bernie dropped her gaze back on Alex, “Serena didn’t give up. She found me in Mogadishu and brought me home.”

Serena sighed, “This isn’t a competition, Bernie.”

“I was there in the aftermath. I saw your body armour. How was I to know you were still alive?” Alex felt body slammed at the accusation.

Bernie shook her head. This had been playing on her mind since she had regained her memories, “They found my Virtus body armour, Alex! The body armour I constantly complained about because the dynamic weight distribution spine was a bitch to configure. It made my backache. You knew that. You knew I'd kept my Osprey body armour and preferred to wear the Osprey in camp. I wore the Virtus for patrols and community work.” Bernie paused for a moment to allow the memories the conversation was triggering to settle, “The CO had insisted we wear the Virtus. My back was sore. I had gone for a cigarette and decided to collect my Osprey and wear that instead. I was returning from the accommodation block when I was caught by the first bomb.”

Well, that answered a burning question Serena had had since she had first clapped eyes on Bernie in that Mogadishu hospital. But with Bernie struggling with PTSD she hadn’t wanted to trigger any reaction by asking how she’d survived when her body armour was found torn up and badly damaged. 

Alex swallowed hard, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.”

Bernie appeared to ignore the apology and looked back at Serena, “The thing is… Serena understands what I face loosing and how that affects me. She’s a surgeon.”

It was as if a huge searchlight was illuminating the situation for Alex and she felt aggrieved that her support was being misconstrued and belittled, “I see. Well if I’m not needed here I’ll head back to Birmingham. I’m was going to leave later, but I think we could both benefit from some space.” With that, Alex marched past Bernie and Serena and left the kitchen.

Bernie rolled her eyes. She hates theatrics, “Al!”

Ten minutes later Alex was in the hall pulling on her shoes and coat. Opening the door she shouted through to Serena who she could see leaning on her forearms on the kitchen island, “Thank you for having me, Serena. Sorry, the weekends ended sourly. I’ll see you soon!”

Serena looked up and watched her best friend’s fiancée leave the house letting the front door close heavily behind her. Bernie leaned against the kitchen island with her arms folded and her back to Serena. She made no move to go after Alex. Serena knew it was pointless to expect the stubborn major to swallow her pride and speak to Alex. So she decided she would have to try and intervene instead.

Pulling the front door open Serena rushed out onto the drive. Alex was already in the driving seat and pulling the door shut when Serena appeared. Alex sighed at being stopped and put the window down. Serena gave her a coy smile, “I didn’t mean to get involved come back in. Why not stay until you have to leave later. At least have diner?”

Acknowledging the truth hurt but still, it needed to be said, “You are involved. There have always been three people in our relationship. Only now she’ll have to choose. I can’t do this anymore.”

Serena had expected a bruised ego and some resistance but not this, “Don’t be daft. She loves you. Bernie’s tired. We both know how cranky she gets when she’s tired.”

Alex let out a slow breath, “I know she loves me. The problem is she’s in love with you.” Her voice cracked and she held her hand up to stop Serena disagreeing with her, “I see it when she looks at you and doesn’t think I am noticing.” Turning the ignition on Alex paused then looked back at Serena, “Thanks for having me, Serena. Tell Bern I’ll call her Wednesday.”

Serena went to speak but the car window went up and the vehicle reversed out of the drive. Serena stood watching Alex drive away. Entering the house slamming the door shut Serena shouted, “Berenice ‘bloody’ Wolfe we are going to talk!”

An hour later a blushing Bernie dipped her head and sipped her tea. After a couple of sips, she chanced a glance at Serena who was still staring at her. “She’s never been the jealous type.”

“Why do you think that’s changed?” Serena gently enquired.

Shifting in her seat to find a more comfortable position Bernie lifted her right leg onto the big footstool and cradled her mug of tea between her hands resting the mug in her lap. Tilting her head to one side Bernie stared ahead contemplating her answer, “Honestly…” Bernie turned and looked into Serena’s eyes, “Me living here has rattled her.”

Serena supposed it was to be expected but was disappointed Alex felt threatened by her when she had done nothing but offer friendship and support to her and Bernie. Thinking back on the nights she had slept beside Bernie to help her through her PTSD nightmares Serena was pretty certain Alex would probably draw the wrong conclusions if she ever found out which would only increase her jealousy, “Well your living with your ex who has a better relationship with your children than she does, so I suppose there is that.”

Bernie nodded in agreement and admitted, “I don’t like clingy and she’s becoming clingy.” 

Serena didn’t know Alex that well. However she was a pretty good judge of character, and with Bernie picking her as a partner, Serena didn’t believe Alex was the jealous type per se, “Perhaps choose your words more carefully with her. Don’t you think she’s feeling a little left out?”

Bernie rested her head back on the cushion behind her head and stared at the ceiling muttering, “She shouldn’t have given up on me!”

Serena didn’t know what to say. This was for Bernie to work out, well Bernie and Alex. There was only so much she could do to bolster Alex in Bernie or her children’s eyes. And given that she didn't know Alex particularly well there wasn't much she could say or do. Bernie was in a reflective mood and Serena thought it best to leave her to her thoughts and offered to make them something light to eat as neither had much of an appetite. If they felt hungry again later they could always have a snack.

***

Warren Downs Army Base, Wyvern, England, Tuesday 19th November 2019:

Bernie entered Captain Preston’s office and pointed at the photograph of Emma and a blonde woman with big smiles and their arms around each other that sat on top of the filing cabinet next to her desk, “Is that your partner?”

Emma smiled broadly at the photograph, “Sally.”

Bernie took a seat in one of the armchairs and waited for Emma to take the armchair opposite her. Bernie’s gaze was fixed on the photograph and how happy and in love, the two women in it looked, “You look very happy. Have you been together long?”

Emma wasn’t there to talk about herself or her private life and swiftly changed the subject as if she hadn’t heard Bernie’s question, “Tell me about Lorna, Bernie.”

Turning back to face Emma, Bernie regarded the psychotherapist with wariness, “What do you want to know?”

In a neutral tone, Emma asked, “What’s the one residing memory you have of her?” Bernie remained silent just staring at Emma, “You don’t like talking about her do you?”

Bernie held her stony stare with Emma, “Not particularly, no.”

“And why’s that?” Emma pressed and crossed her legs.

Bernie dropped her eyes to her lap, “Because no good ever came from dragging up the past.” 

Emma didn’t acknowledge the answer and went onto asking another straight away, “Tell me about the day she died?”

Bernie abruptly pushed up out of her chair and folded her arms across her chest walking to the window. Standing with her back to Captain Preston she snapped, “Lorna has nothing to do with why I am here.”

Emma was writing in Bernie’s file and didn’t look up, “Oh I’d say she has everything to do with it. It all started with her.” When there was no reply from her patient Captain Preston looked up, “What happened the day she died?”

Bernie let her head loll back and stared at the ceiling conceding she had to answer the question to be able to move forward with the session, “We were carrying out a health clinic in a village in Helmand. Came under fire from insurgents and in the chaos, Lorna tried to help a man who appeared to have been shot. Turned out it was a trap and when she got within four feet of him he detonated his suicide vest. I tried to administer advanced life support to her. But she died in my arms.”

“The operational report states you refused orders to leave her and fall back.” Emma waited patiently for Bernie’s reply. These were painful memories she was making her patient analyse and there was no rush for an answer.

Bernie’s tone was flat but there was crack to it, “You never leave a man or woman behind. In war, we can only count on each other so you get on with your job and do your best that’s all I did.” 

As an army officer, Emma understood military mentality but her intuition was telling her there was more to this than military comradery and friendship, “And yet while under heavy artillery fire you refused to leave her. Even though you knew she was dead.”

“I promised her I’d always have her back. I had to make sure I got her out. Least I could do.” Bernie mumbled feeling the acute pain of loss as fresh today as it had been all those years ago when she was kneeling in the hot desert sand in Helmand Province holding Lorna’s bloodied, broken and dead body. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and willed the tears to retreat. She would not cry here.

“Must make you angry. Your best friend being taken in such horrific circumstances. Witnessing it. Not being able to change the outcome. With you one minute and in the blink of an eye gone the next.” Emma Preston wasn’t trying to be unkind. She was professionally probing her patient to react, to acknowledge locked down emotions which were the route course of her current state of mind.

Bernie opened her eyes watching a platoon of soldiers marching on the parade ground across from the medical centre and released a long sigh, “Lorna knew the risks.”

Emma cupped her hands on top of the folder resting on her right thigh, “What about you?” 

Bernie turned around to face her psychotherapist, “I know the risks. No good can come from being angry.”

Emma didn’t accept the stoic responses, “And you don’t think you would have benefitted from a leave of absence?”

Bernie sniffed derisively, “Me being at home feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t have helped anybody.”

Emma tilted her head to the right and watched Bernie’s facial expressions and body language, “It would have given you time to grieve, Bernie. And believe it or not, grief doesn’t fit into some convenient schedule. It seems to me you’re a rock for your colleagues and your family, but who's there to hold you up? You can’t be everything to everybody.”

Bernie had had enough. This topic of conversation wasn’t what she had expected to be talking about. She thought she’d be discussing her recent brush with death and perhaps the IED in Afghanistan three years ago. Not this. It had taken her years to carefully construct strong walls around her memories of Lorna and would only allow them out when she had a bottle of whisky to hand. Rubbing her hands over her face she walked over to the armchair she had vacated and picked up her navy blue beret putting it on, “Can we leave it there for today? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

Emma smiled and nodded her acceptance. She believed Bernie. The woman looked tired and she had pinched lines around her eyes, “Sure.”

Reaching the door and with one hand on the doorknob, Bernie paused. Wanting to give Emma a little insight into why talking about Lorna was so difficult she shared deeply personal information she had shared with no one before, “She was more than my best friend. I was in love with her. She never knew it. I was never brave enough to tell her. She always promised she’d be there if I fell. But she wasn’t, was she. So yes I was angry for a long time, still am to a degree.”

Bernie opened the door and left. Emma stared at the space Major Wolfe had just occupied and smiled. Finally the stoic major was opening up and working with her.

***

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Thursday 21st November 2019:

It had been a thoroughly enjoyable evening and one Bernie had sprung on Serena as a surprise. Having arrived home shortly after 6.30 p.m. Bernie ushered Serena upstairs informing her she had forty-five minutes to shower and change her clothes before the taxi arrived. To Serena’s delight Bernie had booked a table at the Italian restaurant with the extensive wine list they both loved. Bernie insisted on paying for the taxi and their meal. When Serena objected Bernie informed her this was her treat, a thank you for letting her stay in her home and taking care of her. Serena relented and accepted the treat with pleasure. When they finally left the restaurant Serena suggested a nightcap in their favourite city-centre pub, Chequers. Finding a cosy corner of the pub near to the open fire Serena won the argument this time insisting she buy their drinks. Bernie had a double whisky and a Serena large glass of Shiraz. 

“I was very glad you weren’t in the theatre today,” Serena chuckled. 

Bernie raised an eyebrow and feigned indignation, “Charming.”

“Hear me out. I had a very posh lady, of our age, with a cut-glass accent in for elective varicose vein ligation and stripping. Cameron was assisting. He was prepping her for surgery when she got a little frisky and told him coly, ‘You remind me of my third husband.’ Cameron asked how many she’d had,” Serena couldn’t stop her giggles, “With a sexy wink she answered, ‘two’. He went the colour of beetroot and asked Donna to complete the patient’s obs.”

Bernie honked her goose laugh trying not to let it have free rein and draw too much attention to herself. “That’s Wolfe irresistibility for you.” Bernie took a sip of whisky and added with a chuckle, “My poor boy in the crosshairs of a cougar!”

Serena raised an eyebrow, “He’s hardly a boy, Bernie. He’s a grown man and I dare say he’s had his fair share of girlfriends.”

Bernie sniffed, “He’ll always be my little boy,” and took another sip of whisky. 

Serena patted Bernie’s hand and chuckled, “So you won’t be letting on you know about his brush with marriage then?”

Bernie snorted and shook her head, “Absolutely not. He’s never going to hear the end of it. This is invaluable ammunition. Thank you, Campbell.”

Serena rolled her eyes, “Yes, well just remember I have to work with Doctor Dunn!” Chuckling Serena continued with her story, “I’ve still got to tell you the best bit. Coming out of anaesthesia Cameron extubated her ET tube and she smacked her lips and said loudly in perfect diction, ‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years!”

Both women fell about in a fit of laughter and wiping her eyes Bernie stated matter-of-factly around chuckles, “She needs to set her benchmark a bit higher.”

Serena took a sip of wine and pointed at Bernie with the index finger of the hand holding her glass, “And that remark is exactly why I was glad you weren’t there today!”

Bernie smirked and gave Serena a wink, “Where’s your sense of humour gone?”

About to retort to her friend's comment Serena noticed Bernie’s demeanour suddenly change when she sat up straighter and her body stiffened. Bernie’s expression instantly wary and whoever had garnered her attention Bernie regarded them through narrowed eyes and a frown. Being sat with her back to the wall giving her full view of the pub and both of its entrances/exits. Serena, on the other hand, had her back to the room so when a tall well-built man of their own age suddenly appeared beside their table it startled her a little.

The man wore an open-necked white shirt, khaki chinos and a tweed jacket. His salt and pepper collar-length hair matched his grey goatee. His blue eyes roamed over the two women like he was choosing his favourite dessert. Holding a half-drunk pint of beer his smile seemed cheesy, “Hello ladies, mind if I join you?”

“Yes!” Bernie groused.

Trying to be polite Serena shook her head, “We’re fine thank you.”

“Come on. Two lovely ladies can’t be left to themselves.” His chat-up lines were as bad as Serena and Bernie suspected judging by his roving eye and forwardness.

“Oh, we can.” Bernie muttered around a sip of whisky.

Serena looked the man in the eye and politely but assertively informed him, “We really would like to be alone.”

“You don’t have to be polite.” He chortled believing they would surely want him to join them. After all, why wouldn’t two middle-aged women not want his company?

Bernie sniffed, “Polite was the last thing on my mind.”

That comment was like a red rag to a bull and just encouraged the stranger even more, “I love a feisty woman!”

Bernie was the other side of a bottle of Shiraz and two double single malt whisky’s and her tolerance level was severely diminished, “I beg your-”

Serena intervened and cut across Bernie to send the man packing, “We’re enjoying a quiet drink and a chat. So if you don’t mind-”

“Oh but I do mind. It’s not right two beautiful women sitting on their own,” His cheesy grin was widening. Bernie and Serena were both thinking the exact same thing, this man’s ego was delusional regarding his sex appeal.

Bernie huffed, “Oh, give me strength!”

Giving Bernie a quick sideways glance and knowing her best friend was ready, able and willing to make a scene Serena cut in, “We’re not on our own, we’re together and want to enjoy a drink. Alone.”

Just as the man was about to turn and walk away Bernie pointed at his chest and stated, “Dog tags?”

Serena covered her face with one hand, “Oh boy!”

The man looked down as his tags and smirked, “Yeah. Served in Stan… That’s what we call Afghanistan in the military.”

Bernie raised an eyebrow, “You don’t say.”

Wrongly assuming he had finally gained their attention he ploughed on into the breach, “You never forget the place. The sights and sounds. The combat.”

Bernie swallowed a sip of whisky and lowered her glass to the table. Turning the whisky tumbler around she stared at the rich amber liquid swirl around the tumbler, “Saw much did you?” 

He nodded appearing serious for a moment, “Yeah, more than my fair share. But I don’t like to talk about it.”

“I bet you don’t.” Serena wasn’t buying that line for a second.

Bernie snorted, “Shoda! Dere create ma kawa!”

The man was taken off guard by the foreign language, “What?”

Bernie looked up and stared at him, “That’s Pashto, the language of Stan, Afghanistan.”

Still not quite getting the hint he asked, “You speak Afghan?”

Bernie shook her head, “No, I speak some Pashto.”

His curiosity got the better of him, “What did you say?”

Serena sat back and sipped her wine watching Bernie reeled the man in for the kill and marvelled at how obtuse this cretin was. The phrase curiosity killed the cat never applied more than right now as far as she was concerned.

“Literal translation, Idiot. Stop talking too much.” Bernie informed him without breaking her stare.

Still not acknowledging his attention was unwarranted he continued to dig a big hole for himself, “Don’t you like soldiers?”

Bernie snorted, “I don’t like liars!”

Feeling aggrieved the man became defensive, “Are you calling me a liar?”

Bernie finished her whisky with one large gulp and pointed at his dog tags with the hand holding the glass, “Yes. Did you buy those tags on eBay?”

He really was annoyed now, “How dare you insult me!”

Bernie sat back in her chair and folded her arms over her chest, “You’re the one being insulting. No real soldier would come into a pub with a set of dog tags hanging over his shirt and start talking about active service with two women in the hope he struck luckily!”

He was getting up a head of steam, “How the hell would you know what a soldier would do?” 

Serena snorted into her wine and wished she had a bowl of popcorn to munch on while she watched the entertainment. Bernie was expertly delivering this pest his arse.

With a raise of her eyebrow, Bernie introduced herself, “Major Wolfe. Twenty-five year's army service which included seven tours of duty between Iraq and Afghanistan, that’s Stan to us military types. Five of those tours were in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. I lost friends out there. Pieces of other friends are still lying in that desert and pieces of the desert are still in me. I know more about it than you will ever read in a newspaper, book or watch in a film!”

Realising he had put both feet in it and shot himself in the foot at the same time he spat out, “Dyke!” Then turned and stormed off.

“Nob head!” Serena shouted after him and finished her wine.

Bernie pointed in the direction their unwanted admirer had headed and added, “Perhaps you should get his number and give it to the posh totty who’s got her eye on my son.” They both erupted into a fit of laughter.

“Problem is. His type wouldn’t know how to handle a real woman!” Serena added in a droll sarcastic tone.

Bernie stood up getting her coat and satchel, “Come on Campbell let’s get you home before the carriage turns into a pumpkin.”

Laughing they made their way out into the cold night air pulling their scarfs and coats on and decided to take the short walk to the taxi rank. Locking their arms together they huddled close to gain some body heat and ward off the cold night air. It was 11.15 p.m. when they finally walked through the door of Serena's house and started removing scarfs, coats and shoes. Bernie yawned not able to keep her tiredness to herself any longer. “Cup of tea?” Serena asked heading towards the kitchen with Bernie following her.

Bernie yawned again, “I think I’ll get a glass of water and head to bed.”

Turning around Serena smirked at Bernie, “You’ve got no staying power Wolfe.”

With a glass of water in her hand, Bernie headed for the door, “Goodnight S’rena.”

The way Bernie said her name with that soft reflection in her voice always made Serena’s stomach flip, “Bernie?” When Bernie paused in the door and turned around Serena walked up to her and rubbed Bernie’s left arm, “Thank you for tonight. It’s been wonderful.”

Bernie replied with a slight nod, her eyes closed and a broad smile enveloped her features, “You’re very welcome.”

Serena leaned in and kissed Bernie on the cheek and whispered against her ear, “Goodnight. Sleep well,” Bernie smiled coyly. Heading to bed with a glass of water she knew sleep would be hard to come by with the lingering sensation of Serena’s lips on her cheek, her husky voice in her ear and her perfume consuming her senses.

Oh, it was going to be a long torturous night for Berenice Wolfe…


	11. Won't You Kiss Me On That Midnight Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Alex's relationship comes to a conclusion. On the anniversary of their break-up, Bernie and Serena attend Jason and Greta's first-anniversary party at Albies. Bernie bolts for the door and Serena acts on a decision that will affect their futures.

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Saturday 23rd November 2019:

As promised Charlotte returned the following weekend with her girlfriend in tow. After some resistance around short the notice Tara had finally relented when Charlotte informed her she would a) work her designated weekend off instead so this would be a swap not an extra weekend off, b) do the full practice audit of stock and medications Tara and her business partner, Scott Fletcher, had been putting off for a month and as an added bonus she promised to personally make it well worth Tara’s effort.

They left their home in Cranbourne, Berkshire at 07.00 a.m. and arrived at Serena’s house at 09.30 a.m. The door opened and Bernie stepped onto the front step with her arms folded over her chest and pouted watching the two women take their bags from the deep blue Land Rover Discovery. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”

Charlotte rolled her eyes and turned to drop her bad on the gravel drive, “We’re only half an hour late mother!”

“Ever heard of a phone?” Bernie huffed. She wasn’t really cross. She had been excited to see her daughter so soon after her recent visit the previous weekend.

From within the house, Serena’s dulcet tones were heard shouting, “Pot. Kettle, Bernie!” 

Bernie rolled her eyes and Charlotte sniggered. The interaction between her mother and Serena was like an old married couple. A bag was thrown down at the back of the Discovery and an unfamiliar voice to Bernie called out, “Charlie, mind taking my bag while I get Ruby to behave!”

Bernie’s eyebrow rose. Charlotte indicated with her thumb behind her, “Ruby’s the reason we’re 30 minutes late.”

“I thought it was just you and Tara visiting? I wasn’t aware you were bringing a friend with you.” Bernie informed her daughter.

Charlotte laughed, “Well we could hardly leave our beloved Ruby behind.”

Now Bernie was really confused and although she was open-minded to polyamorous relationships she hadn’t considered her daughter was in one, especially as she had never mentioned a Ruby before. All became clear when a panting excited Hungarian Vizsla came around the back of the Discovery to jump up at Charlotte who knelt down to make a fuss of the young dog. On the other end of the lead was a frustrated Tara, “Ruby! Down!” She instructed the dog in a soft Scottish brogue but Ruby paid no heed.

“Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Ru Ru!” Charlotte called the dog’s name in a sing-song tone and ran her hands up both sides of the dog's neck and rubbed under her ears and her tail wagged even harder with the joy of being loved by one of her mistresses.

“I swear you’re as bad as she is! I’m trying to instil some discipline here and you’re undoing it!” Tara huffed a little miffed, but by the fond look in her eye and a broad grin, it was clear she was far from annoyed.

“HAHA!” The loud goose honking noise coming from the house-made both Tara and Ruby turn to look at Bernie with surprise. Tara recognised the family resemblance immediately and knew the woman at the door had to be her girlfriend’s mother. Ruby began to bounce on the end of her lead and bark. Her tail wagging frantically and she would drop down so she was laid with her chest on the ground and her bottom in the air only to jump up and do it all over again. Her actions were attempts to initiate play with this potential new friend making the strange noise.

Bernie stepped down the two steps when Serena walked up behind her to see what all the commotion was about. Kneeling down on her left knee Bernie held her arms out. Charlotte looked at Tara who nodded it was ok to let Ruby go. The dog ran straight for Bernie and would have knocked her over if she hadn’t been ready for the bundle of russet red charging towards her. Ruby jumped into Bernie’s arms licking her face wriggling and whimpering at making a new friend.

“Hello, young lady. Good to meet you too!” Bernie chuckled at the excited young dog licking her face and neck, “Are you happy to be out of the car? Umm? I bet you are. Yes, I am happy to meet you too.” Bernie stroked the dogs head, under her ears and along her back. “Aren’t you a beautiful girl and a real bundle of fun?” The dog and Bernie continued to get to know each other. Bernie looked up at her daughter while calming Ruby down by rubbing her under both ears, “Can we take her to the park? She could probably do with a good run.”

Charlotte nodded, “In a bit. How about you meet, Tara first?” and pointed at the woman stood next to her.

Bernie had the good grace to go a little red and look embarrassed at the slip of her manners, “Of course. I’m sorry, where are my manners?” She stood up holding Ruby’s lead in her left hand and held out her right taking a step towards Tara, “Tara, I’m pleased to meet you.”

Tara stepped forward and Bernie got a good look at the younger woman who was dating her daughter. She was the same height as Charlotte, although her build was a little more muscular, and her hair was a dark auburn which highlighted her green eyes. Shaking Bernie’s hand with a firm grip and friendly smile she returned the greeting, “Very pleased to meet you, Major Wolfe.”

Bernie’s smile broadened at the polite manners and respect Tara showed for her girlfriend’s mother. It didn’t seem to be anything other than genuine and sincere. Bernie held her hand, “I think we can dispense with rank for the weekend. It’s Bernie, Ok?”

Tara nodded and picked up a large bag with all of Ruby’s food and toys and her large dog bed. Charlotte picked up both of their bags which even combined appeared to be smaller than the one they’d brought for Ruby. Bernie surmised it was no different than parents travelling with babies and toddlers. Serena stood to one side welcoming the two younger women into her home with a kiss to Charlotte’s cheek. Once Serena and Tara had made their introductions Serena informed Charlotte to take their cases up to the room she’s stayed in the previous weekend and show Tara where the bathroom was.

Bernie looked down at Ruby who was sat beside her watching her mums enter the house and addressed the young dog, “Looks like you’re with me kid. Come on I’ll show you where the treats are!”

“I heard that!” Her daughter shouted at her mother from halfway up the stairs.

Bernie rolled her eyes and matter-of-factly informed Ruby, “That one has selective hearing.”

“HA!” Serena snorted from the kitchen door holding the bag that was full of Ruby’s toys and food. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!” She turned walking into the kitchen with Bernie and Ruby following her.

When Charlotte and Tara returned downstairs they were greeted with mugs of tea and the smell of grilling bacon, “Thought you’d like tea and bacon butties.” When the two women grinned at her Serena knew she had made the right decision. “There’s ketchup and brown sauce in the fridge take your pick,” Serena suggested.

Charlotte noticed her mother was sat on a dining chair petting Ruby who sat in front of her with her tail brushing the oak flooring. Bernie had unclipped the dog’s lead and it sat across the top of the bogs bag of food and toys. Serena pointed to the door leading to the utility room and suggested, “You can put her food and treats in the top left wall cupboard in the utility room. Her water and food bowls can stay in there. It’s tiled so doesn’t matter if she spills anything. We’ll keep the internal door open for her to get to her water bowl.” 

Charlotte thanked her and set about putting the food and treats away in the cupboard and put the bowls on the non-slip feed mat they’d brought with them which would sit on the Welsh slate tiles which covered the kitchen and utility room floor. That done she returned to the kitchen and took the lead and hung it on the coat hook above her coat in the hall. Tara had taken the dog bed upstairs to their room. Being in a strange environment would unsettle Ruby and it would be best if she was in with Tara and Charlotte.

When the young women returned Serena had taken a pot of tea and mugs over to the dining table and was finishing bacon butties for everyone. Charlotte collected the two sauce bottles taking them to the table. Bernie sat at the head, Serena sat to her right and Charlotte and Tara took the seats opposite Serena with Charlotte next to her mother. Serena put ketchup on hers and Bernie’s bacon butties and Charlotte followed suit. Bernie turned around to take a sip of her tea and noticed Tara putting brown sauce on her bacon butty.

Bernie raised an eyebrow, “That’s a deal-breaker. Should be ketchup on bacon butties and brown sauce on sausage butties.”

Tara laughed, “I’m the black sheep of the family because of this.”

Bernie regarded Charlotte over the rim of her mug. Her right hand continued to stroke Ruby’s head. “Did you ask Serena if you could bring Ruby?”

Serena leaned over and patted Bernie’s right forearm, “She did. I told her it wouldn’t be a problem.” Bernie smiled and nodded at Serena.

Charlotte had a mouthful of crusty roll and bacon but attempted to talk around it, “Of course I did. I haven’t forgotten my manners!”

Bernie pointed at her, “Could fool me talking with your mouth full!”

Bernie picked one side of her butty up and bit into it. Serena asked Tara, “So what part of Scotland are you from, Tara?”

Wiping her mouth on a napkin she proudly proclaimed, “Newton Stewart, Dumfries and Galloway.”

“What brought you south of the border?” Bernie enquired and took a sip of her tea.

“After I graduated from Edinburgh University I wanted to specialise in equine sports medicine and rehabilitation which includes a fair degree of equine trauma medicine.”

The mention of trauma medicine garnered Bernie’s full attention. A broad grin spread across her face and Charlotte informed her girlfriend, “See you’ve said the magic word, trauma medicine.”

“Charlotte told me you’re a military trauma surgeon. That’s an incredible job.” Tara seemed to be genuinely in awe of Bernie.

The blonde trauma surgeon wondered exactly what her daughter had told Tara. She decided not to add that she might not be a surgeon anymore due to recent injuries and to just enjoy the moment. Ruby rested her head on Bernie’s right thigh and smacked her lips closing her eyes enjoying the gentle stroking Bernie was giving her left ear. “It certainly has its moments,” she muttered looking down at the dog.

Tara continued with her story, “I managed to get a placement with a top equine veterinary surgeon, he was the British Equestrian Team Vet, was based near Windsor and the rest, as they say, is history.”

Bernie’s forehead crinkled and she appeared to be frowning. She was in fact deep in thought, “Is there much trauma medicine involved?” Bernie was very interested in this area of veterinary medicine.

Tara nodded enthusiastically around a bite of her bacon butty. Swallowing quickly she answered, “Yes and rehabilitation has to be conserved when considering treatment. We’re dealing with a ton of animal we can’t tell to sit with their leg elevated. It’s a long process from injury through treatment and or surgery and onto rehabilitation and recovery.”

“Must be incredibly rewarding?” Bernie stated.

“It is. Although we can’t save them all. Putting a creature as gentle and beautiful as a horse down tares at my heart every time. Sometimes we have to put them down when the injury is first sustained because there is nothing we can do. Other times it's partway through their treatment… Or the really cruel times are when you think recovery is within reach and it isn’t.” It was clear to Bernie and Serena how passionate and compassionate Tara was about her career and her patients. 

With a chuckle, Serena chirped in to lighten the mood a little, “Careful. Bernie will be wanting to compare her Meccano set with yours.”

Tara lowered her mug of tea her face lighting up, “Do you call your orthopaedic hardware a Meccano set too?” When Bernie nodded in the affirmative the two women laughed loud. Bernie’s goose honking laugh made Tara jump and she stared at her partner’s mother in awe laughing harder.

Serena rolled her eyes and spoke directly at Charlotte, “Bloody trauma surgeons! They are all the same!”

Bernie put her mug down. Ignoring Serena's jibe she continued the conversation with Tara, “And you’re a partner at the practice?”

“Yes. Well… Not the one I trained at. I eventually set up Cranbourne Park Veterinary Practice, with a good friend, Scott Fletcher. We specialise in Equine and large animal medicine. It’s taken us ten years to get where we are today. I deal with equines and Scott deals with farm animals. We both have our share of dogs and cats to fill in the rest of our time.”

“Anything you won’t handle?” Serena enquired genuinely interested.

Tara chuckled, “Reptiles. Not my cup of tea. Horse’s and dogs are my favourites. Scott has a client who has birds of prey. That’s about as exotic as we get.”

Bernie glanced down at the Hungarian Vizsla sat beside her. The dog kept her head resting on Bernie’s right thigh, “How old is Ruby?”

Charlotte chirped up, “Nine months.”

Bernie regarded her daughter for a moment or two and asked, “You never said you had a dog?”

Charlotte shook her head, grinned and glanced sideways at her girlfriend, “Technically I don’t. She’s Tara’s dog. I’ve kind of adopted her.”

Tara snorted lifting her mug of tea to take a sip, “Bloody ruined her is what you’ve done!” 

Bernie turned her attention back to the young dog, “She’s absolutely gorgeous.”

Charlotte nodded chuckling, “And she knows it!”

Tara pointed in the direction of the dog, “Proper tart for a cuddle or a treat!”

“Like someone else I know,” Serena added in a droll voice.

Bernie smirked at Serena, “That’s quite enough from the five and nines, thank you.”

Charlotte leaned into Tara laughing, “See I told you.”

Bernie turned to look at her daughter and knew she would probably regret asking but she was too curious to not ask, “Told her what?”

Charlotte pointed at her mother and Serena, “That you’re like an old married couple.” 

“We are not!” Bernie emphatically objected to this assessment.

Charlotte laughed disagreeing with her mother, “Oh you are, mum!”

Bernie looked at Serena expecting her friend to jump in and agree with her. But Serena had remained silent. She looked at Bernie who was now regarding her with a raised eyebrow. Putting her mug of tea down Serena raised both eyebrows in a challenge, “Oh now you want my opinion?”

Charlotte couldn’t stop her peals of laughter, “I rest my case!” Tara grinned deciding to remain neutral in this discussion even if privately she agreed with Charlotte. Bernie and Serena did come across as an old married couple in her opinion too.

Desperate to take the attention off herself Bernie asked Charlotte, “Have you decided your speciality?”

“I’ve started off with small animals and assist Tara and Scott where needed while I gain further experience. My aim is to specialise in equine sports medicine and rehabilitation.” Charlotte informed her mother and Serena with a grin and glanced at her girlfriend for reassurance as much as any other reason. Tara nodded in agreement.

***

At 1.30 p.m. Charlotte and Tara decided a long walk in the park was in order for Ruby. Bernie and Serena tagged along for the fresh air and exercise. Once inside the gate, Tara let Ruby off the lead and the young dog ran around excitedly. Bernie threw a tennis ball and the dog would chase after it bounding back with the ball in her mouth and drop it at Bernie’s feet eager for her new friend to throw it for her again. The four women walked all over the park down one side of the large pond and up through the woods on the other side before following the path back along the other side of the pond. Bernie chased Ruby when she wouldn’t let go of the ball the dog having realised it was more fun to have her new friend chase her.

Charlotte strolled with Serena on her left and Tara on her right and held her girlfriend’s hand. “Do you think we should rein mum in before she does herself a mischief?” Charlotte queried aloud.

Serena smiled and chuckled, “We probably should. But it would take a very brave woman to do that. And I don't see any around.”

Tara glanced at the other two women then back at Bernie and Ruby, “I could make it about Ruby?” She offered.

Serena shook her head, “Leave her. She’s enjoying herself and I’ve not seen her this relaxed or happy for a very long time.”

“How is she doing?” Charlotte asked Serena knowing she would get an honest answer from the woman.

“Quite well actually. Her physical injuries have healed well,” She nodded towards Bernie and with a chuckle added, “As you can see.” There was a thoughtful expression on Serena’s face, “She thinks I don’t know her leg causes her trouble, aches, but I do. She’s been frustrated with how long it’s taken her to regain the dexterity in her right hand. But she's ready now for her surgical reassessment.”

“What are your thoughts on that?” Charlotte wanted Serena’s professional opinion.

Serena knew the young woman was worried about her mother and tried to be honest and as well as reassure her, “You know your mother. She expected to be working in an operating theatre three months ago and is utterly frustrated with how long it’s taking her. But she is doing very well and it’s promising.”

Bernie was walking ahead of them with Ruby. The dog looking up at the woman she had bonded very quickly with. All three women walking behind her noticed the limp begin to appear. Serena did a sideways glance at Charlotte noticing her staring at her mother. The young woman biting her bottom lip deep in thought.

Taking Charlotte’s left hand Serena squeezed it leaning in whispering, “Your mum is the toughest person I’ve ever known. She’s bound to have some residual issues with her injuries. She’s been blown up twice in three years and she’s not getting any younger despite her denial of that fact.”

Charlotte turned to Serena, “But she's been running around with Ruby for an hour and a half and is limping now.”

Serena smiled, “She’s still regaining her strength. She has shrapnel in that leg and she’s tired. But trust me today has done her the world of good.”

Turning into the gate at Serena’s house Charlotte accepted her mum was, considering everything she had gone through over the last four months, in good health and continuing to work on her physical health, “And her mental health?”

Serena’s expression was open warm and conveyed the honesty in her reply, “She’s having counselling with a military psychotherapist. She’s really trying.”

“Good. I’m glad.” Charlotte nodded and turned her attention back to her mother who was heading down the side of the house to take Ruby in through the utility room where she could clean her damp and muddy paws before letting her loose in the house. Serena, Charlotte and Tara entered the house via the front door.

***

Back from their walk, the four women enjoyed a late afternoon snack of mugs of tea and toasted English muffins settled in front of the fire Bernie had lit as soon as she arrived home. Belly full, warm and comfortable Bernie put herself on the floor with her head resting on a large cushion she'd angled against the front of the sofa in order to lay propped up next to Ruby. The dog laid on her side asleep. Her head against Bernie’s right thigh and her belly being warmed by the fire. Bernie stroked the dog’s velvet-soft left ear and smiled at her contentedly.

The two-hour walk in the park and playing fetch with Ruby had been just what Bernie needed to blow away the cobwebs and put her newly regained mobility to the test. It had tired out the blonde trauma surgeon and it wasn’t long, well about an hour after returning from their outing, before she dropped off to sleep herself. Charlotte smiled watching her mum dozing on the floor with Ruby for comfort one side and Serena sat on the sofa to her left. The silver-haired woman had subconsciously dropped her right hand to Bernie’s head and stroked the soft blonde locks relaxing Bernie and herself in the process. Serena enjoyed the relaxed warm feeling enveloping her at that moment.

Charlotte had made herself comfortable in her girlfriend’s lap and the two women snuggled in one of the large armchairs. The young blonde scrolled through the films available on Sky Cinema and selected two she thought would suit all tastes, but also fit her narrative of pushing her mother and Serena into recognising their undeniable sexual attraction and chemistry. But there was little point in putting them on while her mother competed in a snoring competition with Ruby on the floor. “How about, ‘Imagine Me and You’ first and then finish off with ‘Carol’?” Charlotte suggested in a matter-of-fact manner trying not to be too obvious, but judging by the look on her girlfriend’s face she hadn’t succeeded with her.

“I haven’t seen ‘Imagine Me and You'.” With a quick glance at her dozing friend Serena admitted with a sad smile she quickly tried to cover up, ‘Carol’ is a favourite of Bernie and mines.” Serena was either oblivious or had come round to Charlotte’s way of thinking. However, the younger woman believed it was more likely she was simply just oblivious.

“Well, why don’t we watch them later when mum’s awake and we can all enjoy them?” Charlotte suggested in a cheerful manner. Serena agreed with a nod and a smile.

“Charlie, told me you’re a surgeon too, Serena.” Tara asked genuinely interested in her hostess.

“That’s correct. I’m a consultant vascular and general surgeon and clinical lead of Holby City’s Acute Assessment Unit.” Serena announced proudly of her career and her achievements.

“Wow. That takes some skill to do vascular work.” Tara seemed genuinely impressed and although she was a veterinary surgeon, not a human surgeon, she still understood and appreciated the complexity of vascular surgery and the patience and skill required to carry it out be it on human or animal patients.

Serena appreciated the compliment, “Thank you. I love the delicate complexity of vascular surgery.”

Charlotte turned to her girlfriend informing her proudly, “Serena also has an MA in business studies from Harvard. She took it after completing her medical degree.”

“How did you?-” Serena was surprised Charlotte knew this about her because as far she recalled it had never come up in any conversation she’d had with the younger woman.

Charlotte cut her off with a chuckle, “Oh please! Don’t look so surprised. How do you think I know? Mum told me of course… She, umm, she talks about you a LOT!”

Tara jumped in with another compliment, “That’s an impressive CV.”

But Charlotte wasn’t finished listing Serena’s professional accomplishments, “She’s also been medical director, deputy CEO and acting CEO of Holby City hospital.”

“Always the bridesmaid and never the bride!” Serena added with self-deprecating wit.

Tara shook her head and disagreed, “Nonsense that’s an impressive career. Especially when you factor in all the people you’ve helped and all the lives you’ve saved.”

Serena wasn’t going to take all the glory, “Well I’m part of a very big and invaluable team. I couldn’t do it all on my own.”

Tara didn’t believe Serena wasn’t capable of taking any surgical procedure on solo if the situation called for it, “Oh I don’t know. I think you’d give it a bloody good go.”

Still singing Serena’s professional virtues and now also her mother’s Charlotte proudly told Tara, “Talking of teams. Mum and Serena have quite the reputation in surgical circles far and wide. Both renowned surgeons. I’ve had it on good authority when they work together they make a formidable team. It’s like watching a ballet apparently.”

With a whimsical expression and downwards glance at her sleeping friend Serena agreed, “We do make a great team, even if I do say so myself.”

Charlotte chuckled, “Mum has mentioned it on more than one occasion herself.”

When Serena got up to make them all tea and coffee Tara leaned into her girlfriend whispering, “I can see what you’re doing.” When Charlotte tried to feigning innocence Tara hissed amused, “Don’t even go there with the innocent ploy. Playing matchmaker with your mother’s love life is asking for trouble.” At the smirk spreading across Charlotte’s mouth, Tara added, “Make sure you let her know I had nothing to do with it!”

Charlotte pecked her girlfriend’s lips, “Coward. Where’s your sense of romance?”

Tara quirked an eyebrow, “I don’t do romance in my own relationships. I’m not getting involved in someone else’s. Especially when that person is my girlfriend’s mother!”

Thinking for a moment about her girlfriend’s statement a frown formed on Charlotte’s face and she informed Tara, “Yeah, speaking of, we need to talk about your ineptness where romance is concerned.” Tara rolled her eyes, rested her head back against the back cushion of the armchair staring up at the ceiling and groaned, conceding she had walked right into that one.

After an hour Serena decided she should wake Bernie, “Come on major time to get up its five-thirty.”

Bernie smacked her lips and blinked her eyes a few times getting her baring’s. “I’m good. Just five more minutes.”

Serena leaned down and tapped her shoulder in an annoying repetitive manner to get Bernie to wake up, “No. Come on, up! Your back won’t take much more of you laying on the floor and you won’t sleep tonight!”

Bernie opened her eyes and pushed herself up. In a grumpy tone, she muttered, “You must have been a sergeant major in a previous life!”

“Come on mum. We’re waiting for you so we can watch some films.” Charlotte tried to encourage her mother to join them.

Bernie got to her feet. Ruby lifted her head and huffed disgruntled at losing her backrest and flopped back down closing her eyes. Bernie stretched her arms above her head manipulating her back from left to right so it clicked and popped releasing the tension and ache that had settled there. Charlotte pulled a face at the noise coming from her mother’s back. Bernie dropped down on to the sofa next to Serena. Her stomach chose that moment to rumble. Turning to her friend she asked, “What are we having for dinner?”

With a shake of her head, Serena teased, “I swear you’ve got hollow legs. We only had muffin’s ninety minutes ago! How can you eat so much and never gain weight?”

“Fresh air’s made me peckish,” Bernie reached for her phone, “I’ll order a takeaway. What about pizza to go with the films?” When she received unanimous agreement Bernie brought the Domino’s menu up on her phone and began to take everyone’s orders. “What films have you picked?” Bernie enquired finishing off the transaction by entering her debit card number and pressed pay on the Domino’s Pizza app.

Tara huffed, “Romance.”

Bernie made a suggestion, “What about ‘Jurassic World’ or ‘Star Wars the Rise of the Skywalker’ ... Oh, ‘Ocean’s Eight’?”

Serena patted Bernie’s hand, “The girls have chosen, ‘Imagine Me and You’ and ‘Carol’. Let them watch them. I haven’t seen ‘Imagine Me and You’ and we both love ‘Carol’.”

Tara raised her hand above Charlotte’s head and pointed downwards with her index finger at Charlotte, “Can I point out the choice of entertainment this evening is all down to, Charlie!”

Bernie knew Charlotte’s usual go-to movie genres were action or sci-fi. She quirked an eyebrow at her daughter letting her know she was onto her. Charlotte had the good grace to blush slightly and looked away not able to hold her mother’s gaze.

The four women had enjoyed the two films while devouring two large pizzas. Charlotte and Tara had gone for a hot and spicy meat feast while Bernie and Serena went for the 50/50 pizza so Bernie could have pineapple on her pizza, two tubs of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream were split equally between the four women. Two bottles of Shiraz were drunk between them all which helped to wash the food down nicely.

Entering her bedroom around 11 p.m. Charlotte congratulated herself on a job well done. She had watched her mother and Serena share a pizza and a bowl of ice cream. If they had sat any closer they’d have been in each other’s laps. When Serena laid back against the armrest Bernie took her feet into her lap and massaged them. But while watching 'Carol' they were drawn together like magnets with Bernie's head resting on Serena’s shoulder Serena had put her right arm around Bernie’s shoulder and her fingers played with Bernie's soft blonde locks absent-mindedly.

Closing the bedroom door behind them Tara smirked at the smug grin on her girlfriend’s face and leaned back against the door, “Ok, I have to agree now I’ve seen them together that if I didn’t know otherwise I’d think they were together, romantically.”

Charlotte flopped down onto the side of the bed and grinned up at Tara, “Everyone can see it but them.”

Considering everything she had seen today Tara suggested, “Perhaps they do. But they don’t realise the other one feels the same?”

Charlotte dismissed that notion straight away, “Oh no. They both know they are in love with each other. The problem is they think they’ve had their chance and can’t reunite under the misguided belief they're doing the right thing for each other.”

“Well, that’s dumb and self-destructive.” Tara mumbled making her way around the other side of the bed to undress.

“Quite. Which is why I’m almost at the point of smacking both their heads together to get them to see sense!” Charlotte huffed and flopped back onto the bed in frustration.

“There is no denying the sexual tension between them. I don’t know how your mum’s fiancée can be in the same room with them?” Tara had her pyjamas on and indicated she was going to use the bathroom before bed. 

Charlotte got up and took her pyjamas from under the duvet and began to undress for bed. Today had to have had an impact on her mother and Serena’s relationship for the better. How could it not! Sorley even her mother wasn’t that stupid or that stubborn. The nagging voice in her head which always sounded like her smug older brother pipped up, “Of course she bloody is. She’s made an art out of being self-destructive with her personal relationships. Why would you think she’s going to stop now?” Charlotte hated to admit it but that was a correct assumption. Her mother wouldn’t do what was right because she never believed she deserved to be happy. 

The only way she was going to get Serena and her mother back together was to get Serena on her side first. One thing Charlotte knew with utter confidence was her mother’s inability to say no to Serena Campbell. It was time to bring in the heavy ammunition, namely Serena. Her mother wouldn’t know what hit her and there would be no going back once Serena was engaged in the plan.

“Oh, mum you have no idea what I’m about to unleash on you!” Charlotte muttered passing her girlfriend who had just re-entered the room.

Thinking Charlotte was talking to her Tara stopped and asked, “Sorry what was that?”

Charlotte replied sweetly with a smug smile, “Nothing. Just thinking aloud.” She left the room heading for the bathroom to prepare for bed.

Tara pointed to the dog bed under the window and addressed Ruby, “Bed.” When the young dog climbed in and laid down she patted her dog scratching behind her left ear, “You know if you spend any more time with Charlie’s mum I might get jealous.” When her dog let out a large yawn Tara chuckled and got into bed, “Thanks, Ruby. My ego didn’t need that!”

Fifteen minutes later Charlotte was back in the bedroom. After patting Ruby goodnight she climbed into bed and turned the bedside light off. Snuggling down under the duvet she cuddled up to Tara and captured her lips in a deep loving kiss. Tara wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and they wished each other a good night.

***

Warren Downs Army Base, Wyvern, England, Tuesday 26th November 2019:

Captain Emma Preston sat patiently in her usual leather armchair, right leg crossed over her left, with Bernie’s patient file rested on her right thigh and her pen poised to take notes during the session. Major Wolfe had arrived ten minutes ago and other than to say hello had said nothing else. Emma began to think her patient wasn’t going to talk about her repressed memories and emotions and perhaps she might have to start kick start the session herself.

Bernie stood leaning against the wall beside the window in Captain Preston’s office watching soldiers completing a drill. Her left shoulder and hip resting against the wall and her arms crossed over her chest. She struck quite an image in her army standard issue PCS-CU (Personal Clothing System – Combat Uniform) MTP (Multi-Terrain Pattern) camouflage uniform. Her demeanour was brooding, “You asked me why I went back into a war zone.” She ran her tongue across her lower lip, “It’s because it’s the only thing I’ve made a success of. It’s the only thing I have left of Lorna of myself… I told myself I was needed. It’s a lie. I had to be there it’s the only place I feel close to her…” Bernie sighed, “And I know it sounds stupid.”

Emma was glad Bernie had started talking of her own volition, “It doesn’t sound stupid.”

“I keep seeing that explosion. Lorna being blown up. I see myself running to her but I’m not quick enough. Her broken body in my arms. Her, umm, her last words were… ‘You’ve got this Wolfe. Trust you!’ Bernie swallowed hard and turned walking back to her chair but didn't take it choosing to stand behind it instead. Leaning forward she rested her forearms on the back of the armchair clasping her hands together, “The next memories I have flashing through my mind are the IED my Land Rover hit in Helmand Province. I didn’t know if Alex was alive or dead for a few days and that tore at my heart. I survived the IED because of her. No sooner are those memories finished then I’m back in Mogadishu being blown up. I feel cold fear thinking I’ll never see Serena again. When I close my eyes it’s all playing over and over and over in this perpetual loop I can’t stop… Maybe if I reached Lorna sooner I could have saved her…”

Emma finished making a notation in Bernie’s file and looked up, “Lorna died as a result of the explosion, Bernie. There’s nothing you could have done to change that. You’re a trauma surgeon. You know that.”

Bernie wasn’t ready to relinquish her guilt, “It’s my fault she was there. She was supposed to be in the field hospital that day. Only I begged her to swap with another doctor so she’d be with me instead. They took away a brilliant and brave doctor. They murdered my best friend and the woman I loved!”

Emma was glad Bernie was finally opening up, “How are you feeling?”

Bernie’s head was bent down and she looked up, “Current state?”

Emma nodded, “Yes.”

“Bloody furious!” Bernie groused.

“Good. Let it out,” Emma encouraged. Taking in the dismissive expression on the major’s face she continued, “Be kind to yourself Bernie. Remember you need time to heal too. It’s a healing that is not only years overdue, but that has been added to with further physical and emotional trauma and further bereavement. I know I needed time.”

Bernie glanced at the picture of Emma and Sally. She moved around the chair and sat down, “Sally?”

Emma nodded and glanced at the picture of her wife, “Cervical cancer. Its three years this month.”

Bernie shook her head hearing of another life lost before their time, “I’m sorry.”

“It might not seem like it now you’ve opened the flood gates. But it does get easier.” Emma offered in a gentle tone remembering how long it had taken for her to work through her grief to a point where she could remember Sally without breaking down in tears or feeling like the void Sally’s absence had created would swallow her whole. She had her moments in private and knew she always would. But the good days outweighed the bad now. Life had to go on. Sally would want her to live a full and productive life. And Emma wouldn’t squander her life when her wife never had the chance to live hers to the full. 

Bernie lifted her right hand and moved it back and forth between them, “So does this mean you are finished with me?”

Emma shook her head and closed Bernie’s patient file, “This isn’t the end Bernie. This is the start for you. The key now is for you to keep talking. Eight to twelve sessions of between sixty to ninety-minute trauma-focused CBT would be beneficial for you. Talking to someone at home as well. That’s certainly the recommendation I’ll be making in my report.”

Bernie licked her bottom lip in thought and hesitantly asked, “So does that mean I can go back to active duty?”

Offering Bernie a commiserating smile Emma shook her head, “Unfortunately the final decision doesn’t rest with me. But if it’s any consolation I think you have delayed-onset PTSD. You’re biggest problem is grief, Bernie. Your most recent near-death experience has released suppressed memories and emotions. I told you compartmentalising will only work in the short term and in the long term, it can be detrimental. You simply can’t suppress your feelings forever and what you’re dealing with is primarily delayed grief. Your mental state doesn’t detract from your abilities as a soldier or a medic in my opinion and that will be in my report.” Emma stood up and placed Bernie’s patient file on her desk.

Standing Bernie returned the smile, “Thank you.”

Emma was curious about one thing though, “Out of curiosity who are Alex and Serena?”

Bernie picked up her navy RAMC beret from the arm of her chair, “Is this off the record?”

Emma nodded at the clock on the wall and folded her arms over her chest, “Session finished five minutes ago.”

“Alex is the woman I’m engaged to marry. Serena is the woman I’m in love with!” There, thought Bernie, I’ve finally admitted it out loud.

Emma shook her head and chuckled, “Can't help with that one. I’m a military psychologist you need a relationship counsellor!”

Bernie smirked and raised an eyebrow, “Sessions over. That’s ma’am!”

Snapping to attention Emma nodded, “Ma’am.”

Bernie nodded back turned on her heels and headed for the door, “Thank you. As you were captain.” Leaving the psychotherapist behind her Bernie felt a little lighter. Oh, she knew had a lot of work ahead of her. But she had taken giant steps towards her psychological recovery in the past month. Stepping out of the medical centre Bernie put her navy RAMC beret on adjusting it to make sure it was sitting in the correct position with the right-hand side pulled down towards her right eye. Climbing into her taxi she clenched and unclenched her right hand and turned it this way and that. Passing by the main building of the barracks and out through the main gate Bernie let out a deep sigh and hoped her physical recovery would be as equally successful as her psychological recovery was taking.

Failure simply wasn’t an option.

***

AAU Holby City Hospital, Wyvern, England, Saturday 30th November 2019:

Serena had snuck into her office on AAU to grab a quick break. Fresh cup of coffee in hand she glanced at the empty desk across from hers. Ric had taken up residence in the space which would always be Bernie’s to her. Sitting down at her desk she took a tentative sip of the hot beverage and blew on it attempting to cool the liquid a little before taking her next sip. Serena glanced at her watch. It was 12.20 p.m. She thought about Bernie and that thought led onto thinking about Alex being at the house by now which led onto thoughts of Bernie and Alex being in the house alone. Serena huffed deciding she could do very well without such thoughts. Opening her desk draw she pulled her mobile phone out and opened it to check for messages.

Her inbox was full of messages she’d received from Charlotte over the past week. Since her visit with Tara the previous weekend the young woman had bombarded her with text messages. Taking a sip of coffee she scrolled through some of the best ones. Smiling and chuckling she shook her head at the forwardness of the young woman but admired her stamina and recognised the trait had to have been inherited from her mother.

Some of the texts made her smile. Others made her roll her eyes and huff out expletives periodically. On the whole, though she chuckled shaking her head and wondered how on earth she could put an end to the incessant messages Charlotte was sending with frequent regularity at a rate of up to seven a day every day for the past week.

They included;

Hi Serena, we’re safely home and heading into work. Thanks so much for having us. It’s been a fab weekend. PLEASE talk to mum. You two are made for each other. You’re perfect. Even Tara said if she didn’t know better she’d have thought you were a couple. Love Charlotte xx

Hi Serena, have you had the talk with mum? If not why not? You’re wasting time! I won’t stop till you sort this mess out! Mum loves you so much and I know you feel the same. She needs you to stop her making a huge mistake marrying Alex. Come on I know you love her and want to be with her. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! NOW! Please! Love from your hopeful future stepdaughter, Charlotte xx

Serena, yes it’s me again, I'm waiting for you to save my stubborn mother from herself! She needs you to step up Serena! PLEASE! If I have to beg I will. Mum’s too stoic and stubborn to recognise what’s best for her. Mums under the delusional belief you don’t want to be with her. She’s not following her heart because she believes she’s giving you what you want. We both know that’s not true! Tell her she’s wrong. Love, your hopeful future stepdaughter, Charlie xx

Hi step mum, do you seriously think calling me an annoying little shit will make me stop? I’m not dropping this. I love my mum. I want what’s best for her which happens to be you! Don’t let mum or me down by not telling her how you feel. She talks about you to everyone. Alex knows all about you but you know very little about Alex. What does that tell you? She’s in LOVE with YOU Serena! Love your future stepdaughter, aka the little shit who’s going to make you see sense even if it kills me! Charlie xx

Serena, I know it’s only been a week but time is of the essence. The pair of you don’t exactly move quickly, do you? You’re both exasperating in your denial that you can be together! Sort it out, Serena. I’m depending on you to save my mum from herself. Love Charlie, your future stepdaughter xx

Serena, I’m beyond disappointed in your lack of action! Frustrated doesn’t come close! Current mood: Bloody furious! I’ve decided first chance I get I’m locking the pair of you in the smallest cupboard I can find until you both come to your senses! For two intelligent women you’re both pretty dense about romance and love, aren't you! Are you both going through a midlife Sapphic crisis by any chance? I’d like the pair of you to get back together before I draw my pension! You’re very exasperated and frustrated future stepdaughter, Charlie xx

AGGHH!!!! Serena! PLEASE for the love of God my mum deserves to be happy and so do you! She can only get that with you. She wants you back but won’t ask because you ended the relationship. YOU have to be the one to ask. She won’t. She’s in love with you. What more reason do you need? As for her going back to the army. She won’t if you give her a reason to stay! Love always, your stepdaughter, Charlie xx

Serena chuckled and shook her head. Charlotte Dunn was every inch a Wolfe. The more Serena got to know the young woman the more her tenacity and loyalty never seemed to amaze her. She sighed rubbing her hand over her face, “Oh Charlotte, what am I going to do with you?” The voice in her head, which always sounded like her dead daughter Ellie, pipped up, “Would it hurt to talk with Bernie? Let her know she has options? What’s to lose? She can only say no.”

“What’s to lose?” Serena thought in her own voice and scoffed at that assumption, “Only my fucking heart all over again!” Turning her phone off she threw it back in the draw and stood up heading back out onto the ward hoping her busy workload would shut out the thoughts crowding her mind of Berenice ‘bloody’ Wolfe.

Stepping up to the nurse's station Serena noticed the pile of patient’s files sat waiting for a doctor to assess. Picking up the top file she perused the notes within. Closing it she put it down next to the pile of files and picked up the second one and perused those notes and continued to look through all the files. Serena was considering the test results in the fifth patient file when Cameron came up beside her with his focus on his phone. Head bent and brow furrowed Cameron read a text message from his sister and glanced sideways at Serena scrolling down the rather long text message from his younger sibling. With a quirked eyebrow, he considered the instructions Charlotte had given him.

Realising Cameron was just stood there Serena lifted her attention from the report she was reading and watched him for a moment noting the pained expression on the young man’s face, “Trouble?” 

Realising Serena was talking to him Cameron looked at her with a sheepish expression, “For you maybe.”

With a quirk of her eyebrow, Serena clarified, “Sorry? What?”

Waving his phone in front of her with a smirk Cameron informed his clinical lead, “Lottie’s bending my ear about making sure you understand the importance and expediency in speaking to mum.”

Serena rolled her eyes at her junior doctor, “Oh for heaven’s sake, Cameron. Enough!” Clamping shut the folder she’d been reading Serena sloped off annoyed she couldn’t get a minutes peace from Bernie’s children who were constantly pestering her about her relationship with their mother.

***

Serena’s House, Holby, Wyvern, England, Saturday 30th November 2019:

Having spoken to Serena on Thursday evening, to check she was still welcome to visit after walking out on her last visit, Alex had been grateful for the reassurance she was always welcome to visit. After speaking to Bernie she arranged to drive down Saturday morning. Having arrived at 9.30 a.m. they shared a light brunch in the conservatory with mugs of coffee and warm croissants.

As promised Alex had called Bernie on the Wednesday following the weekend she'd walked out on Bernie. Clearing the air between them they agreed not to discuss their differences until they could do so in person, which would be the weekend of the 30th November, her next weekend off. With small talk exhausted a silence settled between them.

Alex decided she would address the elephant in the room, “Do you still want to get married?” 

Bernie looked at her fiancée in surprise, “Of course.”

Alex wasn’t convinced, “You’re certain of that are you?”

With a nod, Bernie answered emphatically, “Yes.”

Again Alex wasn’t convinced, “Why?”

“I want to!” Bernie was emphatic.

Alex still wasn’t convinced though. She’d had two weeks to consider everything, “Why do you want to?”

Bernie turned further in her seat and with a raised eyebrow queried, “Why are you asking?” She was concerned where this conversation was leading.

In a matter-of-fact tone Alex stood her ground, “I asked first. Why do you still want to get married?”

“You asked,” Bernie mumbled.

Alex snorted, “Ah. So out of a sense of duty.” This was what she had feared.

Bernie pushed her left hand through her messy blonde locks and huffed, “No. Out of love.” 

Looking directly at her fiancée Alex mumbled, “You sure its love and not out of a sense of obligation?”

“What?” This was worse than Bernie thought it would be. But the question made her figuratively hold a mirror up and examine her reasons and motives. Could she, or should she, continue to ignore what was happening between them. What her future may or may not hold.

“You heard me.” Alex snapped hating the fact Bernie was stalling for time which only proved to her that her intuition about her relationship with Bernie was not on as strong a footing as she had thought.

Before she was about to contribute an opinion, which stood the chance of making matters worse, Bernie wanted to know where this was leading, “Al, what is this-”

But Bernie never got to finish her question because Alex suspected what was going to be asked, “I see how you look at her… Serena that is.”

“I told you there is nothing going on between me and Serena,” Bernie reassured earnestly.

Looking into Bernie’s eyes Alex could tell her fiancée was telling the truth, “No. But you wish it were.” 

Losing patience with her fiancée Bernie’s tone was tired, “Where are you going with this?”

“You’re still in love with her.” This was not an accusatory statement from Alex. It was a statement of fact.

Bernie put her left elbow on the arm of her chair and leaned her head against her hand. Crossing her right leg over her left she rested her mug she held in her right hand on her right thigh, “I’ve never denied that.”

Angry Bernie couldn’t see what the problem was Alex snapped, “So we’re together out of your sense of duty.” She sat forward putting her mug on the coffee table in front of her.

“Seems you’ve already decided on what the answer is. So why ask?” Bernie was tired of thinking about emotions. She was tired of the intermittent pain in her thigh. Tired of not knowing whether she’d be a surgeon again and tired of Alex’s constant need for reassurance lately.

Alex stood and pushed her hands into her hair pacing back and forth for a moment, “Agghh!” Turning to face Bernie she threw her hands in the air out of frustration, “Because I want to hear you say it.” She dropped back down onto her chair resting her forearms on her thighs and leaned forward towards Bernie, “I need to hear you say it.”

Bernie shook her head sitting up and uncrossed her legs. Putting her coffee mug down on the coffee table she took Alex’s hand, “You don’t have to.”

“Where love is concerned you’ve always been a coward.” Alex sighed and looked at Bernie through glassy eyes. Her eyelashes becoming heavy with unshed tears. Her throat felt tight and when she spoke it cracked with emotion, “One of us has to do the right thing for us.”

Bernie knew her next words would be an admission that Alex was correct, “We could be happy?” 

Alex was as sharp as a tack and picked up on the past tense in Bernie’s comment, “Could. Not can?”

Squeezing Alex’s hand Bernie was about to disagree, “Al-”

Ignoring the pet name Bernie used for her Alex looked away and wiped a tear from her right eye, “I was looking for reassurance my doubts are unfounded. That it’s just my mind working overtime.”

“I told you I am happy to marry you. What more do you want?” The pain in her right thigh was throbbing. She should get some pain relief but didn’t want to stop their conversation now they were dealing with their relationship problem.

Alex let go of Bernie’s hand and flopped back in her chair, “What more? Clearly, something you can’t give me because it belongs to someone else.” When Bernie lowered her eyes to her lap Alex shouted in frustration, “Your heart, Bernie. It’s not yours to give me. It’s clear it belongs to Serena!” 

Bernie couldn’t look Alex in the eye, “You want to call off the engagement?”

It was obvious Bernie wouldn’t admit to anything and wanted to carry on with the pretence and marry Alex regardless of her true feelings. “No. But we can’t get married. You’re in love with someone else.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Doesn’t mean we couldn’t be happy.” Bernie attempted to get her point across earnestly.

The writing wasn’t just on the wall for Alex. It had been chiselled in stone. She shook her head, “We wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn't be happy. I don’t want to be married to someone who is constantly thinking about someone else. It was different in Mogadishu. Serena was your ex, in your past, and over six thousand miles away. In our little bubble, when it was just you and me, I believed I could live with the fact she’s the love of your life because I got to be the one spending every day with you. Coming back here it’s clear that was a foolish notion.”

“We’ll move away. I’ll… I’ll never talk about her again.” Bernie thought the offer reasonable although she didn't know if shed truly be able to carry it off.

With another shake of her head, Alex disagreed and bit the bullet knowing Bernie wouldn’t back out of their engagement because of her outdated sense of duty. The stoic Major Wolfe was too honourable to go back on her word, even though she had done it once with Alex behind her husband’s back, it appeared Bernie was making sure she didn’t make the same mistake again. “You mean run away! You can’t keep running Bernie…” Alex pushed the fingers of both hands through her hair and blew out a frustrated breath, “The genie is out of the bottle, Bern. We can’t put it back in.”

Bernie leaned back in her armchair resting her head back against the top of the back cushion and stared up through the conservatory glass roof watching the clouds gathering overhead covering the sun. In a tired voice, she tried to reassure Alex, “I swear. I have been faithful to you.” 

Alex dropped her hands back onto her lap and studied her fiancée for a moment. Watching the waring emotions cross Bernie’s features, “As painful as it is for me to admit this. I’m not and never will be the love of your life. I-I have to end this Bernie. For my own self-respect. I can’t play second fiddle to Serena, no matter how much I like her.”

“You deserve better,” Bernie finally acknowledged still watching the passing clouds.

Alex agreed “I do.” Sitting up on the edge of her chair she added, “But you can’t help being in love with who you love any more than I can.”

A disquiet settled between them for a few minutes. Bernie sat up and took her engagement ring off. She held it out to Alex offering the term of endearment and promise of a life together back to her. Symbolically ending their engagement. But Alex initially wasn’t going to accept it, “I gave it to you. It’s yours.”

Bernie held the ring up in her right hand between two fingers, “Yes, but that was on the understanding we were getting married.” When Alex motioned to disagree and went to verbally object Bernie held her left hand up to stop her, “I won’t keep it, Al. This is your great grandmother’s ring. It belongs to you, not me. One day.” Bernie swallowed her emotions on a dry throat, and nodded with a sad smile, “One day there will be a woman worthy to wear this.”

Alex took the ring back and studied it before clutching it in the closed fist of her right hand. It was over. Her engagement. Her relationship. All her dreams of a life with Bernie. It was all over. It was all gone. Alex felt like she was suffocating in grief and had to get out, had to be far away from the woman she loved. Berenice Griselda Wolfe had turned into her personal kryptonite. Standing abruptly with a choked voice she rushed to the door, “I-I have to go!”

Bernie shot to her feet and caught up with Alex in the kitchen. Snatching her wrist in a tight grip she stopped the other woman from leaving. Alex spun around and Bernie engulfed her in a fierce embrace whispering in her ex-lover’s ear, “I love you. I will always love you… I’m sorry. So sorry.”

Alex’s voice was tight and roar with emotion. She mumbled against Bernie’s neck, “I know.” They held onto each other like two drowning people clutching the last life belt from a sinking ship and sobbed against each other’s necks knowing they would have to let go and drown in their emotions. Pulling back from the tight embrace and keeping their arms around one another both women took a moment to really study the features of the woman in her arms. It was an unspoken acknowledgement that this would, in all probability, be the last time they saw each other. It would be too painful for both to maintain contact.

Alex pulled out of the tight embrace and stepped back from Bernie. They held hands for a moment. Alex squeezed Bernie’s right hand making her ex look into Alex’s damp blue eyes, “You be kind to yourself, Bern. Keep being the awesome you that you are…” This was hard for her to say but it was important to say it so that in the months to come Alex would be able to move on from Bernie Wolfe. “Just stop running and allow yourself to be happy.”

When Bernie nodded her agreement Alex turned and walked away. Their joined right hands began to slip apart until fingers brushed past palms and little fingers entwined and Bernie gave a final tug. Alex paused and looked back at Bernie over her shoulder. The older woman had tears forming in her brown eyes. With a strained voice, the last words Bernie would say to this wonderful woman she knew she would always love were, “Be good to yourself and stay safe, Al.”

Alex’s throat was too dry and too tight for her to form a single word. Both women took a last look at a woman who would always carry a piece of their heart and for whom fond and loving memories would reside with them till their dying days many years from now. Alex grabbed Bernie’s right hand, lifted it to her mouth and kissed the back of her knuckles. With a final sad smile she turned and left.

The sound of the clock on the dining area wall was suddenly deafening and Bernie’s heart genuinely ached for Alex. She headed into the living room laying down on the sofa and pulled the folded soft grey blanket from the back of the sofa down over her and cried. Bernie was still laid on the sofa in the living room when Serena arrived home several hours later.

At first, Serena had thought Bernie and Alex had gone out when Alex’s car wasn’t on the drive and she entered a dark house. Making her way into the kitchen she made a coffee and took it into the living room. Putting her mug on the coffee table she put a table lamp on next to the armchair beside the window and closed the curtains. Turning around she noticed Bernie laid on the sofa under a blanket. There was no sight or sound of Alex. Serena frowned kneeing beside her friend and gently stroked Bernie’s cheek, “Hey sleepy.”

Bernie opened her eyes blinking a couple of times to get her baring’s. Once she was aware of where she was and who was with her she sat up and threw her arms around her best friend, “S’rena!” Bernie croaked out and held on tight.

Thinking Bernie had had another PTSD nightmare Serena rubbed her back and tried to console her, “It's ok. You’re safe.”

Whether Bernie heard what was said or whether she chose to ignore it was unclear when she mumbled against Serena’s neck, “The engagement’s off. Alex and I have broken up.”

Serena raised an eyebrow. She knew the couple were having their issues but never expected this. “Oh, Bernie,” Was all she could say for now feeling anything else would be inadequate. When Bernie was ready to talk Serena would find out what had transpired to cause their break-up. But as always she would be right beside her friend supporting and helping her through the break-up. Serena cursed the universe for never giving this incredible woman a chance at happiness.

***

The following day feeling the overwhelming sense of failure envelop her Bernie had decided to go for a run. It was about time she started to get into shape again anyway. Running was her go-to for relaxation. She could think while running and she enjoyed the solitude of the activity. She knew she would have to start gradually and build back up. So she walked marched for two hundred paces and then ran for a hundred and managed to get an hour in. It was a sensible start and wouldn’t undo all her physiotherapy but would build up her leg strength and stamina.

Bernie had been running for an hour when her leg began to protest with a deep ache. Accepting she accepted the pain would probably always stay with her. Slowing down her pace Bernie eventually conceded she’d done enough for today and decided to walk the rest of the way home. Serena had wanted to stay with her today, but Bernie had insisted she visit Jason, Greta and Guinevere as already arranged and declined the offer of joining them. She hadn’t slept well the night before and wasn’t in the mood to put on a happy face and engage in small talk.

Making it back to the house she was surprised to see Serena’s car there. She hadn’t left a note because she wasn’t expecting to be home after Serena. Entering the house she noticed the other woman sat in the kitchen at the breakfast bar of the kitchen island with her phone in her hand. She looked up with a relieved expression. Turning to face Bernie Serena held up her mobile and in an exasperated tone advised her best friend, “You know these are called mobile phones for a reason.” 

Walking into the kitchen Bernie dipped her head and regarded Serena from under her messy fringe, “I left mine-”

Serena picked up Bernie’s phone in her other hand, “In the living room. I heard it ringing when I tried calling you.” Not wanting to come across as controlling or unreasonable Serena explained, “You’re an adult free to do what you want. But if you don’t want to take your phone with you. Could I ask you to leave me a note just letting me know when you might be coming back?”

Bernie felt bad for worrying her friend, “Sorry. I didn’t think you’d be back before me.”

Serena put the phones down and patted Bernie’s hand, “No harm done. I suppose I'm being ridiculous worrying about a big macho army medic.”

Bernie was touched by Serena’s concern, “Worried about me? Is that why you came back early?” 

“Why is it such a surprise that I would worry about you? You’ve been through so much this year. We broke up then you were blown up. You’re fighting to get fit to be a surgeon again. Now you and Alex have broken up. Just one of those would be a major life event.” Serena smiled warmly at Bernie and got off the stool heading for her wine rack.

“I didn’t mean to cause worry. I seem good at upsetting people.” Bernie mumbled checking her messages and seeing she had one from Charlotte and one from Cameron. Both just checking in with their mother. There was a notification of a voicemail and Bernie knew by the time, which was forty minutes ago, that it had to be when Serena had called her. There were two missed calls both from Serena’s number. Nothing from Alex, but then she hadn’t really expected one.

“Right go and have a bath. There are bath salts in the bathroom cabinet. What do you fancy for dinner?” Serena poured out two large glasses of Shiraz and passed one to Bernie to take upstairs with her.

“I’m not really hungry. You choose something for yourself.” Bernie took the proffered glass and went to turn away but Serena wasn’t letting her off the culinary hook that easily.

“Not the right answer. You have to eat.” Pondering what she might be able to entice Bernie to eat Serena went to the fridge. Stood in front of the open door she spoke over her shoulder, “Not very seasonal, but how about something light? Either a Spanish omelette with salad or scrambled eggs and smoked salmon?”

Bernie was too tired to argue. Serena wouldn’t let her get away with not eating. Besides Serena was probably hungry herself having been at work all day. So reluctantly Bernie gave in with a shy smile, “Surprise me.”

Serena watched Bernie’s retreating form and the familiar limp which seemed to appear every now and again.

***

Albies Bar, Holby, Wyvern, England, Thursday 12th December 2019:

Almost two weeks since her break-up with Alex, Bernie found herself stood propping the bar up at Albies with a double whisky in her hand. She really didn’t want to be here. And certainly not tonight of all nights. It was Jason and Greta’s first wedding anniversary. When she had told Serena she couldn’t go Serena had told her she wouldn’t do her dirty work for her and Bernie would have to tell Jason herself. Bernie couldn’t let down the young man she had become so fond of. 

Deciding not to admit to her best friend the real reason she didn’t want to go was because it’s the one year anniversary of their own break-up. And how being in Albies with Serena a year on had been too painful to contemplate. So Bernie had reluctantly agreed to go but after doing her obligatory circulation of the room in order be polite she intended to anchor herself at the bar and get drunk enough till her heart became numb and her memories foggy. 

Since her break-up with Alex, Bernie had decided to put all her energy into getting back to work. With a date set for her professional re-assessment and psychological evaluation report in two weeks, she wouldn’t let anything divert her attention or goal. Personal relationships were simply too complicated and painful for her. Certainly at the moment. She considered the physiotherapist Jason had introduced her to when she arrived. The younger woman had made eye contact with her several times during the night. Bernie was a flute of Champaign and four double whiskies down and beginning to see the uncomplicated possibilities of a ‘friends with benefits’ option. She wondered if that would suit her better. Snorting at her assumption she would ever be able to keep just sex for the sake of pure unadulterated carnal pleasure from becoming complicated Bernie gave up on the idea entirely and settled for getting back to work. Back to the front line where life for her was less complicated or demanding.

If Bernie thought it couldn’t get any worse it did when the music started and “This Year’s Love” by David Gray began to play. Obviously Jason and Greta had decided to use the same music they had played at their wedding party a year ago. Finishing off her whisky in one big gulp Bernie slammed her glass down on the bar and pointed to it requesting a refill from the bartender.

Serena had been keeping an eye on Bernie from across the bar. She wasn’t clueless as to the reason for Bernie’s maudlin state. She was keenly aware of why she hadn’t wanted to come tonight even though Bernie never explained. She didn’t want to be here of all places or with Bernie of all people a year after they had broken up in this very bar. Bernie was obviously struggling and everything that had happened to her in the past year was down to Serena. 

If she hadn’t had the affair with Leah and pushed Bernie away she wouldn’t have been on the front line and/or been blown up again. Serena was hurting too. She had had enough of small talk and pasting a smile on her face for one evening. Excusing herself from the conversation she was engaged in with Ric Griffin and Sasha Levy Serena made her way to Bernie’s side. Holding her wine glass up she addressed the bartender with a smile, “Large Shiraz, please.”

Serena bumped her shoulder against Bernie’s to make her acknowledge her presence. When Bernie turned her head and regarded Serena with a sad expression Serena offered her a small smile nodding at the whisky sat on the bar before Bernie and attempted to conceal her concern behind a humorous tone, “Knocking those back a bit tonight aren’t you?”

Bernie quirked an eyebrow but didn’t return the smile. Of all people, she didn’t need a lecture on life choices from Serena right now. Picking up her glass she informed her friend firmly, “I can handle my drink!”

Serena flinched taking the barbed comment as a reference to her sometimes over indulgent enjoyment of Shiraz. Knowing Bernie didn’t want to be here anymore than she did, and was now onto her fourth double whisky, Serena put the comment down to the alcohol playing on Bernie’s sower mood, “I’m sure you can. It’s just-”

Taking a sip of her whisky Bernie put the glass down on the bar and sniffed staring straight ahead, “I’ve drunk my patrol section under the table. Four whiskies are not going to hurt me!”

Serena dropped the topic entirely and sipped her Shiraz. Pondering how to bring the elephant in the room into the conversation she decided not to prevaricate any further. Firstly Bernie hated it on the best of days but having imbibed four whisky’s Serena knew the blonde’s tolerance level would be non-existent by now. The only course of action was brutal honesty. As Serena went to speak people began pairing up to dance and Cameron suddenly appeared on the other side of his mother drawing Bernie’s attention to her eldest child.

Nodding his head in the direction of the people dancing behind them he cheerfully encouraged, “Shouldn’t you be whirling Serena around the dance floor?”

“Why would you think that?” Bernie stared at her son through narrowed eyes. A clear warning to tread carefully.

He ignored the glare both his mother and Serena were giving him. “Oh, I don’t know perhaps because it’s a party and that’s what people do at parties!”

“Don’t get smart with me Cam-” Bernie’s voice growled annoyed at her son’s obvious attempt at pushing her and Serena together on the worst possible night.

If Serena didn’t act now Bernie was probably going say something to her son she’d later regret. Taking Bernie’s glass off her she placed it on the bar and took the now empty hand pulling Bernie away from the bar area to the cleared space being used as a temporary dance floor. The music stopped and Bernie grinned in satisfaction turning to head back to her drink. Serena snatched her wrist halting any progress Bernie had made to return to her whisky. “Not so fast. They’ll be another song. Patience!” Bernie turned back staring at her friend not in the least bit happy at being separated from her drink. Serena tilted her head to the right and held her arms out, “Please tell me you haven’t forgotten how to dance?”

Bernie huffed and stepped forward, “Of course not!”

“Good then you can lead,” Serena grinned and winked.

Bernie snorted, “It’s hardly going to be ballroom!”

“Wonderful. Shouldn’t be too difficult for you then.” Serena retorted sarcastically knowing such a comment would pique Bernie’s competitive nature. The smug grin on her face faded fast when of all the songs that could have been played at the moment had to be the one starting now. “Bugger!” She thought to herself as a vivid memory of Bernie standing in the door of Albies a year ago with this song playing came to her. It was as painful now as it had been on the night. Bernie smiling, giving her a wink and tapping two fingers of her left hand against her left temple in salute before leaving. Serena fortified herself to dance with the love of her life, the woman who was no longer hers, to the bloody love song that had been playing when Bernie left this very bar a year ago tonight.

The low tenor voice began to sing,  
“I found a love, for me”

When Serena opened her eyes Bernie was stood with her arms open and a sad smile on her face. Her brown eyes glistening with unshed tears gathering on her lashes. 

The song played on.

“Darling, just dive right in  
And follow my lead”

Just as the song suggested Serena dived right into Bernie’s open arms. Bernie enveloped her best friend in her arms holding her close and rested her head on Serena’s shoulder. As always happened when the opportunity presented itself, Serena pushed the fingers of her right hand into Bernie’s soft blonde locks and began to play with them soothing them both in the process. 

The song played on.

“Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet  
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me’

‘Cause we were just kids when we fell in love  
Not knowing what was  
I will not give you up this time  
Darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own  
And in your eyes, you’re holding mine”

They swayed together in their tight embrace. Serena’s fingers playing with Bernie’s messy blonde locks. Both had their eyes closed enjoying the comforting familiar scent of shampoo and perfume and drawing on the strength and comfort they always found in each other’s arms.

The song played on.

“Baby, I’m dancing in the dark with you between my arms  
Barefoot on the grass, we’re listenin’ to our favourite song  
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath  
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight

Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know  
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I’ll share her home  
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets-”

Bernie stopped dancing. The song played on. She pulled back abruptly from Serena. A sense of panic had taken over her. Wide-eyed she placed her hands on Serena’s forearms and gently pushed her best friend away from her shaking her head, “Sorry. Sorry. I-I can’t. S’rena, I just can’t do this!” She turned and bolted for the door grabbing her scarf and coat from the coat rack on her way. Pulling on her coat and wrapping her scarf around her neck Bernie opened the door and paused glancing back at Serena. The look on her face was sorrow and hurt. With a weak smile, she dipped her head and left.

“Well, I don’t bloody know what happened! One minute they were dancing close the next mum was bolting for the door!” Cameron was hissing in desperation into his phone and pulling it away from his ear when his sister screeched back that he had to do something or all her hard work would be undone. “I know. I know. I think she was a racehorse in a previous life… Yeah, well I wasn’t trying to be funny! Maybe you should tie her laces together to stop her running away all the time!” Cameron began to make his way over to Serena, “Yes she’s still here. Looks shell shocked, to be honest. Right, right. Ok. Yes. Yes, Lottie, I heard you the first time. Bye.”

Serena was rooted to the spot despite the fact people were having to dance around her and she was receiving strange looks. Placing his arm around her shoulder Cameron leaned in so only Serena could hear him and gently suggested, “Don’t you think you should talk.”

Serena came to her senses. Her heart hammered and the reminder of Bernie’s exit from her life a year ago was once again a gaping open wound. Could she really let Bernie leave her again? Well she hadn’t actually left because Bernie was staying with her. But was this a sign that history was destined to repeat itself for them all over again. Serena’s inner voice chirped up, “She’s going back to the army. Let her go. Let her be happy.”

“Nothing to talk about. Your mum will be returning to the army.” Serena’s throat was dry and as a result, her voice was barely a whisper. The last verse of the song played on. Serena was lost in her thoughts listening to the lyrics.

“We are still kids, but we’re so in love  
Fightin’ against all odds  
I know we’ll be alright this time  
Darling, just hold my hand  
Be my girl, I’ll be your man  
I see the future in your eyes”

Serena had changed the lyrics from ‘I’ll be your man to I’ll be your woman.’ The lyrics were sinking in and making sense to her. Finally, the song was drawing to an end. The chorus repeated twice hit her in her solar plexus as far as her emotions were concerned.

“Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms  
Barefoot on the grass, listenin’ to our favourite song  
When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful  
I don’t deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight.

Oh, no, no  
Mm

Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms  
Barefoot on the grass, we’re listenin’ to our favourite song  
I have faith in what I see  
Now I know I have met an angel in person  
And she looks perfect  
No, I don’t deserve this  
You look perfect tonight.”

Cameron whispered, “Not if you give her a reason to stay.” Serena turned her head and stared at the young man wanting to desperately believe there was a chance. Nodding at the door he added with a smirk, “You’ll never know unless you go after her.”

Serena didn’t need any further prompting as she shot to the coat rack and once her red woollen coat and black scarf were fastened she headed out the door knowing if she didn’t catch Bernie outside she would find her at home. To her surprise, Bernie was pacing up and down outside with that limp back again but none the worse for her four double whiskies. Slowing her pace down Serena approached Bernie cautiously not wanting to startle her, “Leg giving you gip?”

Bernie turned and quirked her eyebrow. Her eyes still glistened with unshed tears, “Shrapnel’s a bugger in the cold.” She rubbed the midpoint of her right thigh around the front and side.

Not wanting to annoy Bernie or start an argument Serena suggested carefully, “I don’t think it’s just the cold though, is it?”

Bernie stopped rubbing her leg. The action wasn’t making any difference to the ache in her thigh and she felt it was drawing attention to the injury she carried there, “Military devices are designed to kill and it’s usually the shrapnel from the explosion that kills people. Shrapnel can travel at three thousand feet per second in all directions from the explosion.”

Serena visibly shuddered at the thought of what Bernie had been through, twice. But her most recent scrape with death was more shocking because Serena already knew her. Knew what she was losing and had been to the site of the bombing and seen what was left of the temporary military hospital. Bernie noticed her friend’s reaction and mentally kicked herself for being so insensitive. Pointing over to the bar Bernie dipped her head and apologised, “I’m sorry for running out on you… It’s just…I-I-umm-”

Serena stepped forward right into Bernie’s personal space and cupped her face between her hands halting any further words from the blonde. Bernie’s breath hitched and she held it in hopeful anticipation. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. Serena considered her next move would either be welcomed or rejected. It would either put them on the path to reconciliation or damage their friendship. Remembering the lyrics of the song and what Charlotte and Cameron had said she decided that the status quo wasn’t working and their friendship could withstand a nuclear blast. So what was she waiting for? Searching Bernie’s face for any sign of resistance and finding none there Serena dived in and claimed Bernie’s lips in a deep passionate kiss. 

Bernie instantly opened her mouth allowing Serena to slide her tongue in and whimpered slipping her tongue into Serena’s mouth. Both women enjoyed spending time becoming reacquainted with the taste and texture of the mouth and tongue of the other. Serena, true to type, pushed the fingers of her hands into Bernie’s messy blonde locks. Bernie wrapped her arms around Serena’s back pulling her flush to her own body. Moans and whimpers were emitted here and there and if asked neither woman could have said who made which noise. 

Their passionate moonlit tryst was brought abruptly to an end when the taxi Bernie had booked pulled up and when neither woman made any attempt to acknowledge his presence the driver beeped his horn. Regarding each other, with shy grins, they climbed into the taxi and headed for Serena’s house. Both hoping that the talk they desperately needed to have could wait a little longer while they enjoyed more kisses.

Unbeknown to Bernie or Serena they were being watched by Cameron from the door of Albies. His phone in one hand and the other rubbing his face while he updated his sister on their mother’s love life, “Lottie, it worked. Serena took the initiative and kissed mum… Yes, yes that’s what I said. YES! Serena kissed mum-” He sighed at his sister’s incessant questions, “Well of course mum kissed her back. YES, LOTTIE, REALLY!” He shouted out of frustration. “I’m shouting because you’re doubting everything I’m telling you. I saw them with my own eyes! Yee God’s I stood peeping on my mother having a necking session with her girlfriend who’s my boss!” Charlotte was enjoying her brother’s embarrassment and laughed heartily, “You laugh. You won’t be laughing when you’re paying for my counselling!” He relented seeing the funny side of it and chuckled along with his sister. Both siblings relieved their mother and Serena finally stood a chance at reconciliation.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive feedback is always welcome.


End file.
